<p>My oldest son has a job and a nice place to live ,but no real friends.I worry about him ,but I guess there is nothing I can do ,other than talk once a week or so .I think he is depressed ,but I am afraid that if I mention this ,he might close himself off to me .Is there anything I can do ? He lives 3000 miles away .</p>
<p>I obviously don’t know your situation, but the first question that popped into my mind is, are you sure it’s because he is depressed? I only have two close friends, and they live in a different city. With a few exceptions, I much prefer to do solo travel and do it whenever money/time allows. I live alone (if you don’t count my pets). I am not one who likes to socialize. Outside of casual conversations with coworkers, I do spend a lot of my free (outside of work) time on my own. I am not depressed and have plenty of interests and activities to keep me occupied. I am in my mid-20’s.</p>
<p>By the way, I was probably more social when I was younger, but the older I get the more I enjoy doing things on my own.</p>
<p>Oh, and I have spent one of my birthdays by myself.</p>
<p>(Again, this is not to say that’s your situation, and he may be in pain and going through something - painful break up, etc. - this is just a different point of view).</p>
<p>I obviously don’t know why he is living 3000 miles away. Someone posted a link on Facebook to an article written by a guy who works with hospice patients…the article was about their greatest regrets. One was wishing they had done what made them happy.</p>
<p>If he is living away from family and friends for the best/highest paying/most prestigious job, over the course of phone conversations, you might “give him permission” to move it if would make him happy. Again, he might not be able to do so because of debt, or an offspring living nearby or a military commitment, etc. BUT, if he is free to pick up and move or get a more fullfilling job, encourage him to go for it.</p>
<p>One thing that might give him a temporary “people fix” is to become involved in a political campaign. Have him march down to the candidate of choice (presidential or otherwise) and let them put him to work. (But make sure he isn’t assigned to make calls from home, alone.)</p>
<p>Can you ask him if he’s happy? Has he always been a bit of a loner, or is this a new situation because of being away from family and friends?<br>
Sometimes a visit can tell you a lot. Can you visit, or fly him “home” for a long weekend?</p>
<p>Spending a birthday alone is no big deal unless the person makes it one in their mind in which case perhaps it is a big deal to them. Sometimes it’s just logistically difficult to spend it with someone else (like if you’re working long hours, etc.) and sometimes you just don’t feel like doing anything special.</p>
<p>How do you know he has no real friends? Did he tell you? There’s no way my mother would have known if I had friends or not and that’s as of 18 y/o when I left home and she certainly wouldn’t have known much when I was 32 other than I was married by then. </p>
<p>Why do you think he should ‘have real friends’, which is very subjective, in the first place? What do you consider a ‘real friend’? If you mean that in the stereotypical female sense (‘close’ friends with whom you share all kinds of emotional thoughts) then don’t be surprised if he doesn’t fit into that, many males don’t, I know I certainly wouldn’t. If you mean he never does anything with anybody, both male and female, it could be indicative of a problem or maybe he just prefers a good book or virtual gaming friends or something. Is this something new or the way he’s always been? Did he spend his last few birthdays with people other than parents?</p>
<p>Why would you be afraid to ask him about a medical or emotional issue - i.e. whether he feels depressed? You should be able to ask him that and he can answer it whichever way he wants. You’re a mother - you should always be able to ask about health issues you’re worried about but of course he’s not obligated to answer you, especially not in detail.</p>
<p>I just spent a few days with him a couple of months ago .He wants to be living where he is . I guess I wish he had a special relationship with someone .</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry about the fact that he spent his 32nd alone. Thirty-two isn’t a special birthday year, and at that age, most people are married and will celebrate #32 with their spouse and children (if any). I don’t recall attending any 32 birthday parties. If he is not married or in a relationship, then it makes sense that he might be alone on this birthday. People that age don’t generally know acquaintance’s birth dates, unless they have a social history with them, or an enthusiastic office-mate who makes the effort to find out everyone’s birthdate.</p>
<p>Check out his FB page. Did he get friends and relatives from far away wishing his birthday wishes?</p>
<p>I hear you. You want your son to have a special someone and celebrating a birthday with that person seems to be one of those days that makes a difference. Hopefully you made him feel special. Maybe sent a birthday cake. Or at least a cute card. (by email?) Think of this too: It’s important to you, but maybe not so much to him.</p>
<p>Sorry Bay, but I disagree. Today, they all know everything from Facebook - including birthdays. I agree that 32 is not a “big deal” birthday, but I feel for Faux - when my 19 year old told me that he went to the gym by himself on his birthday at college, I felt so sad for him. Of course his roommate and acquaintances there knew it was his birthday - I’m sure it was on FB, even if he didn’t go telling everyone. So I felt awful for him that no one acknowledged the day and asked him to do anything to celebrate. The big question - was HE sad about it? I would have to think yes. But, who knows!</p>
<p>I commiserate with Faux. Back to the old “we’re only as happy as our least happy child” parent proverb. When my youngest was unhappy at college his freshman year I knew that he was unhappy, although he said everything was “fine”(it wasn’t - and how I hate that response - “fine”) and I felt sad for him. Faux, the thing to try to determine, is whether it’s just you that is unhappy that he isn’t social, or if he is really unhappy about it too. I know how you feel about prying into his feelings, and worrying that he will shut you out if you push. It’s very hard when you don’t get feedback.</p>
<p>I give any young person who can move that far away a lot of credit!! Hopefully in time he will find his niche there. Maybe you can gently suggest an online dating site? Or come up with an organization he can join where he can meet like-minded people outside of work. It’s not easy!</p>
<p>UMMom,
I think celebrating 32 is much different from 19. At 32, at least in my world, people were not going out in groups to celebrate because they had serious jobs and families to go home to at that age. </p>
<p>On the other hand, my college-aged kids planned and organized their own birthday celebrations, by picking the place and inviting, via social media, all their friends to come join them. </p>
<p>If your offspring is not the organizing/planning type, I think it is perfectly ‘normal’ that there might not be a birthday celebration for them when they are single.</p>
<p>I can understand your feelings OP. Just because your son doesn’t have a special relationship yet doesn’t mean he won’t. A dear friend’s son just got married in his early 30s and they are hoping to have a baby. Another friend’s daughter just got married in her late 20s after never having had a date with another guy. Did your son seem depressed when you visited? It’s ok for you to ask him. Kids know their parents worry.</p>
<p>I certainly agree that 32 is very different than 19. </p>
<p>My point really was that we worry about our kids and just want them to be happy no matter how old they are. And when we think they aren’t happy - then we aren’t happy. But sometimes it is US, as parents, who project our expectations for happiness on them, when they really are “okay” as they are. The most difficult thing is when you don’t get much information - so you really don’t know how they are feeling.</p>
<p>He’s 32. He’s fine. He will feel worse if you make a big deal about it. Let it go. </p>
<p>And no they don’t know everything from Facebook. Does son even have one or post there?</p>
<p>I have friends with face books who st nothing not even birthdays…</p>
<p>Being at a distance makes it harder too. Does he Skype? Does he answer e-mails? I used to send my son the Final Jeopardy question most days just to get his answer and know he was ok.</p>
<p>He’s 32. Not 12. How many of our parents moved away with no Facebook, skpy, testing etc? My husband moved from Europe and his mother was lucky she got a once a month long distance phone call.</p>
<p>People left on steam ships and letters took forever. He will be fine. We need to let go. Generations of young adults moved away with much less and their moms managed and so did they</p>
<p>Stalking his Facebook sounds creepy to me.</p>
<p>Some of us are worriers. The Parent Cafe is a good place to process worries and maybe save our kids some of the angst.</p>
<p>Or I am beginning to feel I THOUGHT it would be a good place to try to process worries and vent, and hope to hear from like-minded individuals. Yet it at times turns out to be a place to be criticized and sometimes even belittled, and wind up more stressed than before. :(</p>
<p>Time to sign off!</p>
<p>The birthday issue is not important. Some people just really don’t care when their birthdays are, and don’t expect anyone to make a big deal, much less mention it. I always forget mine until some cruel person calls me up to remind me. Spending Christmas eve alone, when everyone else is with family or at parties would be a different issue.</p>
<p>Are you sure he really doesn’t have any social contact there, or could he just not be sharing it with you? I totally understand how sad it would make you as a mother, if you thought he didn’t have any friends or was never dating. But perhaps he’s just not telling you anything (like my kids)!</p>
<p>I’m not trying to belittle but to put this in perspective. I am just amazed at how much we worry over what for past generations would have been something parents were not even aware of. And who most often knew so mich less about their adult childrens lives.</p>
<p>Also, do we just want people to agree all the time? If so, just say, I only want people who feel the same way to respond.</p>
<p>First world worries, but it’s free here to express them. Or to express another POV.</p>