my admissions essay

Colleges & Universities Princeton University
1

<p>Hi! I was just wondering if anyone could read my essay and tell me what they think?</p>

<p>It’s quite an emotional rush, rowing with seven other bodies and one screaming coxswain, working together and toiling through the water. As I sit strapped into the boat I’m simultaneously torn between a want to give up, and a want to succeed; however, while racing, I am able to overcome such challenges by envisioning the finish line of the race. My mind is a tool; with it I can hear the sound of the fog horn blow as we pass under a bridge of screaming onlookers. I can feel the tension and the excitement that reverberates off of the crowd, and the energy and power that exists between me and my boat-mates. This mental power is what pushes me as an athlete, and consequently as a scholar and an individual
Ask any rower, and they will tell you that the strength within a crew is undeniably powerful. Not only is there a clear sense of camaraderie between teammates, but a great deal of trust and understanding. Rowing is unique because it relies on boat unity and communication. As a result, I neither want to let myself nor my teammates down. Rowing has taught me that my actions have consequences. My own determination has an impact on the success of the whole boat. Thus, I use my mind as an instrument to bring myself to the finish line and to finish with my team.
The lessons that I have learned as a rower are also especially applicable to my scientific method and curiosity. During this past summer I worked nine hour days conducting research in a lab. Finding results was supposed to be a “shot in the dark”, but there was a possibility of making a discovery. After many failed trials and frustrated evenings, I finally produced viable and significant results. The elation that came with my discovery was worth all of the failures and long hours of work that led up to it. Even though there were many instances in which I wanted to give up, I knew that the end result would be worth all of the effort that I had dedicated to my research. Like the cheering crowd of onlookers that awaits me at the finish line of a race, the end that I envision while conducting research is the satisfaction of having contributed and made a difference to the scientific field. My willpower played a great role in my research, and is something I havelearned to utilize through the sport of rowing. Thus, I attribute a great deal of my success in the laboratory to my character as an athlete.
Ultimately, I believe that being a rower has changed who I am as an individual. I have become a scientist who is unafraid of overcoming obstacles. A friend, who recognizes the strength of camaraderie and its power as an entity. And most importantly, a human being who has the capability to grow as an individual.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading! Please be honest and critique my essay!</p>

2

<p>Are you a Crew recruit?</p>

3

<p>I wrote a essay that’s similar to that</p>

4

<p>I’m not sure how valuable my opinion is since I’m only a junior in high school, but I’ll tell you a few things that you might want to consider. </p>

<p>First, in the beginning you say “my mind is a tool” and then later you say “I use my mind as an instrument”. That seems a bit repetitive and unnecessary. </p>

<p>There were two other things that kind of bothered me, but now I don’t remember what they were. Well, hopefully someone else will be able to give you more help.</p>

5

<p>Try to drop the “wonderful me” conclusions.</p>

6

<p>To me this essay screams typical, although you express an interesting topic and apply it in a pseduounique (is that a word?) way there is a certain lack of elegance evident in many other essays I have read. I suggest just going back and removing some words and make minute changes, trust me it will really impact your essay. Also it is never wise to post your essays publicly on the internet! PM me if you have questions or wish to gain additional insight, I have lots to give.</p>

7

<p>I strongly recommend that you do not post essays on CC…</p>

8

<p>To the above post, come on now, what are we going to do, steal them and turn them in as our own. If that is the case, I promise I wont do that.</p>

<p>Anyway, I think the problem is with this essay, is that I don’t feel very inspired. I read over the sentences, and I kind of lose focus on what you are trying to say. Obviously you have felt an impact from being on the crew team, but news flash, anyone who participates in anything feels a sense of pride. Your job, as the writer, is to go beneath the superficial obviousness of the experience because while you’re talking YOU ARE THE EXPERT. We shouldn’t have to find ourselves saying, “yeah, I already knew that.” Also, I feel a lack of authenticity. Because you don’t cite specific experiences (and this is more so in the paragraph about scientific research) the topic feels very distant. You don’t really go into what you studied and the detailess explination is bland and uninteresting. If you discussed EXACTLY what is was you did, then I think you’d be in the right direction. All things said, this essay needs a lot of work. While it is very readable, and has very few grammatical/structural errors, it lacks passion and vibrancy. This is Princeton we are talking about, not only will you be commpeting with applicants who are probably published authors (I kid you not), but you’ll generally be commpeting with the smartest of our year. I don’t think it would do you or me any good to say “this essay is great you’ll be in for sure” that would be lying. Try rethinking why it is you do crew/research and then write something that is so unique, that it could only come from you, because honestly, it doesn’t take someone who does crew to write something like this. The Princeton adcoms want to read something and say “Wow, she must really have a strong connection to crew…” Hope this helps.</p>

9

<p>There are a number of things that could be improved in this essay, but I’ll try to just comment on some relatively simple ones. </p>

<p>First of all, try not to overuse semicolons. Your writing will be a lot more powerful if you use them sparingly. As it is now, there are too many for them to have any real effect. One sentence, for example, would be better with a dash: “My mind is a tool – with it I can hear the sound of the fog horn blow as we pass under a bridge of screaming onlookers.”</p>

<p>You also need to pay a little more attention to a few minor grammatical issues. For example, “Ask any rower, and they will tell you that the strength within a crew is undeniably powerful” is not correct. It is rather widely used in the vernacular, since “he or she” is a rather awkward construction, but it is probably best to be a little more formal in this essay. It might be wise to reword the sentence to avoid this problem entirely. </p>

<p>The fragments at the end don’t really strike me as very effective either. While it can be acceptable to depart from what is technically formal grammar in an essay, I don’t think this passage is very wise. One change that you might consider, for example, would be “Ultimately, I believe that being a rower has changed who I am as an individual: I have become a scientist who is unafraid of overcoming obstacles; a friend, who recognizes the strength of camaraderie and its power as an entity; and most importantly, a human being who has the capability to grow as an individual.” I don’t think that that would be the best change of that passage, but it’s certainly the simplest. I feel like a hypocrite for typing that after criticizing you for using too many semicolons earlier, but I think it’s okay in this case because the semicolons are being used in an entirely different way grammatically.</p>

<p>I think your essay has a lot of potential, but it could use a little work. It is a somewhat common type of essay for college applications, but I don’t think that an essay needs to be unusual to be effective. Even without changing any word in your essay, though, you could make it even more powerful just by changing some punctuation. I think people really underestimate how much of a difference little things can make in good writing.</p>

10

<p>Here are some ideas about your essay:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your style is quite inconsistent throughout the piece. Try to keep your ideas in the same perspective and with more focus on you. The essay as it is has a very 3rd person feel which makes it seem like you are trying to market health insurance or something. </p></li>
<li><p>I think this idea will work fine if you rewrite it so that it is in the 1st person. The excessive amounts of 'I’s, side comments about the difficulty of rowing, and refereces to the opinions of others, for example these two sentences. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>“Ask any rower, and they will tell you that the strength within a crew is undeniably powerful. Not only is there a clear sense of camaraderie between teammates, but a great deal of trust and understanding.” </p>

<p>Now if I were an admissions officer (which I am not), I would be put off by these two sentences. The fact that you are basically asking the reader to consider things that are not centered on your thoughts and beliefs is distancing and decreases the overall effect of the writing. </p>

<p>As the (pretend) admissions officer who reads so many of essays which just scrape the surface of the lives of so many students, I love to see essays that place me INSIDE of your thoughts more than ever. In this essay I do not achieve that sensation, which means I wouldnt find it memorable (bad for you). </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Try writing it so it doesnt reveal the direction of the essay so immediately and conspicuously. That ruins the special feeling that readers have when they slowly submerge themselves into the piece. Write it as if it were a daydream that popped into your mind after completing the tournament. </p></li>
<li><p>You need to organize your thoughts so that there are more smooth and even seamless transitions of thought between sentences. For example, you write,
“My own determination has an impact on the success of the whole boat. Thus, I use my mind as an instrument to bring myself to the finish line and to finish with my team. The lessons that I have learned as a rower are also especially applicable to my scientific method and curiosity.” </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Do you see how the phrases are too choppy? The transitions are too abrupt between each extension of the idea. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>You write like you are trying to advertise insurance and prove a mathematical theorem at the same time. Cut down the use of ‘thus’. “Thus, I attribute a great deal of my success in the laboratory to my character as an athlete.” That sentence is much too formulaic in my opinion. Its unifying, but it doesnt add any strength. Rather, in a way it trivializes everything you wrote before it. Write a conclusion that does more than just sum up all of your ideas. </p></li>
<li><p>I try not to get into grammar and structure so much, but I think someone already mentioned that you need to do something about the fragments at the end of the piece. It’s just sloppy; you can easily fix that up. Also, just as a general warning, watch out for excessive passive verbs and unparallel sentences. These are probably the most ‘embarrasing sounding’ mistakes you can make other than blatant mispellings. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Overall - Your essay is too formulaic, almost to the point of cliche. Try to avoid this at all costs. Make it a personal experience, not an overtly self-glorifying demonstration. You need to keep a persistent perspective, style and overall focus. Try writing it like an entry in a diary or a journal first, and then take the elements from that and incorporate it into your essay. Imagine it like you met a close friend somewhere that you have not seen in a long time, and he or she asked you about the way you feel about crew, your scientific achievements, etc… How does it feel when you tell the person about the way in which it affects you? Make it personal.</p>

<p>JW</p>