my admissions essay...

<p>A young boy about the age of 8 is sitting quietly in the back of the classroom. His eye invariably examining through the cozy classroom, he acquired a mouth to speak with, but has not yet acquired the words fully. He is free from authority, but is not yet free from his own conscious. He has the pencil in his hand, but only spills out a drawing from the solid ink of the lead. His ears are concentrated toward the locution of the teacher, but nothing meaningful to him. Isolation has always been with him in this classroom, never to be a hobby that interests him, only to leave him as a speechless alien from the rest. He notices no loneliness. He notices no bareness. Life in the classroom has always been like this. An ambiguous irony, unnecessary paradox stalked through his life, leaving him as a victim of the unrevealed future. He does not realize that in 10 years of period since that exact moment, he’d have to experience this same ordeal four more times. As the words from his teacher slowly dozes out, his conscious comes back to the classroom, back to the place of learning…
No five hundred pages of tightly written novel can even superficially outline my life. No one-thousand paged novel can either. My life has been a struggle, it has been a victory. It has been a failure, it has been a success. Since the moment when I walked through the gate of the Portland Airport of Oregon, a new part of my life was already greeting me with its devious smile, enveloping me with the burdensome adventure I’d have to encounter. Separating me callously away from my friends, left here in this foreign land, my quiet innocent soul was alarmed by the forewarning of obscurity. My tongue was thirst for communication. Every time, every where, all I was surrounded by was only the strange language which I have not yet familiarized with. School, Market, Neighbors, Clubs, everywhere, Strange people, strange words haunted me through rest of the day. Fearing the human contact with the outside society, I could not even bring myself to look into the faces of people who spoke to me. So this was it. This was my life. Living as an outcast to the world, living as a prisoner of my own fear. I have already lost my confidence and zeal.
January 31, 1996. Snow, Storm, Hail, Rain, Ice. The town was covered by the icy chills, icicles hanging down from the high roof. Broken Trees everywhere, Collapsed houses everywhere, and one person lying down on the bed, coughing and coughing, unable to resist the might of the sickness, being tortured by the undefeatable coldness. This was the day that would change my life, to awaken me from my own world, and to lead me to my guidance. My grandpa, who always stood like a guardian to me, never fails to amuse me. Always stood strong like giant colossus, calling my name out of worry to check upon by me, now lying down helplessly in the damp cold place out in the foreign country, with no friends to comfort him. That moment, I realized. This was the fate of my grandpa. This was the fate of a person who was left in unknown space friendless and speechless. From that time on, only one word came into my mind: Learn. It was time to let myself out into the foreign land and face the challenge, and defeat it.
Learning. I cannot say I’ve been successful. In fact, maybe I’ve been a failure. But through this concept of learning, I’ve come to realize that life cannot be overlooked on mere fear. Three years, I’ve always carried a dictionary along with me. Three years of intense hunting for new words, thirst for the defeat of the language barrier that has been the main obstacle for blocking me out from the society. Three years of catching up with the rest of the students. Worn out dictionary as the result of my “hunting”, as I entered the Jr. High school, I was finally able to extricate the dictionary out away from me. Clubs, Church, Sports, for three years, I have been frenzy for social opportunity. I have acquired the first chair as the school orchestra cellist. Not enough for learning. Too much to learn, too little time. 8th grade, the year of my pride. Admitted as a member of the All-State Orchestra for Oregon state, my friends began to envy me as a great cellist. Birth of the quintet: two violinists, one violist, one cellist, and a bassist. My first job. All-State Orchestra was not enough for me. I have crossed the line of the language barrier, not it was the time to cross the line for my limit as musician. Practice after Practice, hour after hour, we quintets prepared for the first upcoming event to play in. We never knew this would be our last one as together, also. July 1st, 2001. Time for the show down. Wedding is always beautiful. Music glistening, filling in the airy environment, bringing joys to the people. The first $50 I have ever earned in my life. For the first time in my life, I was proud of myself.
By the time I’ve reached 11th grade, I’ve moved five times since I walked through the gate of Portland, OR. I’ve challenged myself greatly during my high school year. I was so thirst for the word “Honors” and “Advanced”, this is when I learned the value of elitism. Try to go ahead. Don’t just try to catch up with everyone. Work more, Go more. Although the result has not been too satisfying to match up with my desire, I have successfully went beyond my imagination of my life. Who would have known? 10 years ago, I was just a little boy who used to sit way back in the room holding a pencil drawing random picture, always a dictionary by my side. Now, I was walking the same path as every ordinary American students are walking, not at all falling behind. All because of the one concept in my mind: Learn.</p>

<p>btw, the prompt was: accomplishment of life, dedication toward college, and what i think is important about learning.</p>

<p>I find most of this incomprehensible. Maybe it would help to be more direct.</p>

<p>I'm not sure what you are talking about here. Who is the young boy? Was he born without a mouth and then aquired one through surgery?</p>

<p>This does not make gramatical sense:My tongue was thirst for communication.Wedding is always beautiful</p>

<p>This is true for everyone, so you don't need to say it:No five hundred pages of tightly written novel can even superficially outline my life. No one-thousand paged novel can either.</p>

<p>Show, don't tell: My life has been a struggle, it has been a victory. It has been a failure, it has been a success</p>

<p>Most of this is strangely indirect. Also too long.</p>

<p>well, i never meant to make this too confusing. I've learned that college looks for figurative language, so my attempt was to make the descriptions a bit... "interesting". I'd tried to imitated some of famous novel's style (as you've probably noticed). One thing for sure is that my convention is a mess.</p>

<p>But most of all, I'd like to know about my style of writing. First, the young boy represents me. I was wondering whether to point out that the boy is me toward the end of the first paragraph, but i find it not very flowing with the rest of the essay. </p>

<p>"Was he born without a mouth and then aquired one through surgery?" lol, well, im sorry if my wordings confused you. What i meant was "I've had mouth to speak, but i have not yet possessed/acquired words to speak" meaning i didnt know the language so i couldnt communicate with others. Sorry for the confusion here. :(</p>

<p>for what it's worth, i understood the OP's message perfectly. But yes, various language problems are a problem in this essay.</p>

<p>Your essay has great potential, but it needs some work.Try writing your esay the way you would tell it to someone and I think it will read much better. After you write it the way you would tell it, it can be edited.</p>

<p>grammer: "during my high school year" you need to add an s to year</p>

<p>The style bugs me.</p>

<p>"No five hundred pages of tightly written novel can even superficially outline my life. No one-thousand paged novel can either." </p>

<p>This is pretty cliche.</p>

<p>"I was so thirst for the word “Honors” and “Advanced”, this is when I learned the value of elitism."</p>

<p>Elitism typically has a negative connotation</p>