My advice to consider your friends when choosing a college

College Search & Lists
1

<p>It is conventional advice that you shouldn’t pick your college based on where your friends are going; that you will always make new friends and that you should actualize your full potential. I agree that actualizing your potential is good, but I don’t think that it should be pursued at the expense of your friends. </p>

<p>First, let me say that a college doesn’t necessarily determine your success in life. People like to talk about statistics about how there are more successful people coming out of prestigious universities, but how do you know that is because of the university? Perhaps the university admissions process simply screens for people who are more likely to be successful no matter what college they go to (and to avoid the 'you are bitter that you didn’t get into a prestigious university" argument, I am an undergrad in a top 10 US university). I mean, think of some of the successful men of our time: Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry Ellison. They all dropped out of their prestigious universities, which seems to indicate it was their own personal drive and intelligence that got them success, not their university. But don’t focus on this argument that much, for my claim is equally as baseless. It isn’t my point anyway.</p>

<p>My point it that friends play an intergral part in a person’s life. Good friends cannot be simply replaced. Good friends keep you motivated, they bring the best out of you, and they keep life enjoyable. I can honestly say that I would have not done as much as I have without my friends. I wouldn’t have become an intellectual, I wouldn’t have learned how to be understanding or how to achieve many of my goals. When you think of your success, your friends play a key role. </p>

<p>I am saying this because, as a sophomore, I have witness a lot of people transfer schools or wanting to transfer because of their friends. American society values extroversion, so it is implied that a normal person can make friends in any circumstance. However, the reality differs. Some people are introverted. This is not to say they are antisocial, but that they value personal connections and close groups of friends. For them, it may be difficult to make a group of new friends in a short period of time. This becomes harder when you are in college, for classmates aren’t as likely to take time to talk to you as they were in high school. I know a lot of people who were only able to befriend people from their dorm rooms or suites, or to make superficial friends, because that is their method of making friends. I know a lot of you extroverted people will ague some psuedo-social darwinist theory that you need to get out there and make friends, that it helps you learn how to interact in the real world, but really, this isn’t how it works. Not only on a social level, but on a psychological level and even a neurobiological level. It’s not like everyone is made to be an outgoing businessman; some people prefer only have a small group 3-5 friends that they can share all their intimate secrets with. </p>

<p>Thinks of it this way: if you are married, you will probably go to college with your wife because she is your “soulmate.” Well, sometimes platonic love can reach this level with friends. </p>

<p>I’m not saying everyone should go to school with their friends. I’m not saying everyone who thinks they are super-interoverted should go to school with their friends either (I am pretty introverted, yet I went to a school alone and I met a few really good friends). I just want eveyrone to consider this aspect. Try to understand the person you are and what is comfortable for you, what will help you actualize your potential. Do not simply dismiss friends as a factor of a college. We are not all the same</p>

2

<p>If you are suggesting picking a school that your hs friends are going to, which I believe you are, or at least making that a factor, I’d like to disagree. One of the biggest factors in finding a school along with intended major, financially doable, is fit. Does this university fit you? The closer you can get to a good fit, the more likely you are to find ‘your people’. You are a much different person, and choose much different friends when you are 15/16yo then when you are 19/20yo. There’s a lot of development going on between those years. That’s not to say that someone you were friends with when you were 16 may not be a life long friend, however it is far more likely that the people that you meet and chose to build friendships with in college will have more in common with your ‘adult’ self and be longer lasting friendships. I’ll go back to the importance of finding a school that fits you. If you do this, your odds of finding a group of friends that suits your comfort zone, be it 5 or 50, is far more likely. If you have hs friends attending the same school, no reason to avoid it. But to follow hs friends to a school that is not a good fit for you in other areas, then depending on those friends as you each go through the natural changes of growing into young adults and possibly growing apart would be selling yourself short.</p>

<p>I’m not discounting your example of students going to school and sometimes not finding what they were looking for and wanting to transfer. This would be more a matter of ‘fit’, not because they didn’t ensure they had hs friends at college.</p>

3

<p>I like hearing a different perspective from the usual “I want to get away from my high school classmates and/or this town.” I think it’s wonderful when people enjoy the company of their classmates. Different people have different approaches, and it’s not just due to the I/E split. Some introverts like being anonymous and/or starting from scratch, and some extroverts like being extroverted around their old friends!</p>

<p>What’s most important, though, is that wherever you go, be open to new friendships. Have you heard the saying, “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold”? Some of my “gold” friends are people I no longer see often, and some of my “silver” friends have become gold. My closest friends are people I met at different times in my life, from my high school days, to college, to young parenthood, to the present.</p>

<p>One of my children chose a college without even considering whether any of her high school friends would be there. Another child chose his college based partly on knowing some people who would go there – a baseline comfort level that he needs.</p>

<p>I agree with blueiguana that overall fit is the most important consideration. I would have strongly discouraged my son from choosing a school that was not otherwise a fit for him merely because he knows people going there. However, I’m glad that he has both.</p>

4

<p>Yes, I understand that college friends could be more of a “fit” for you, but I think this argument is based on the false assumption that you are only friends with people from high school because of social necessity. The fact is, some people do meet their best friends from high school, their platonic soulmates. You have to try to determine if you have done that, and if you are the kind of person who values that and its potential. </p>

<p>Also, I’m a believer in the notion that college “fit” is bs. College is what you make out of it, and really this comes down to friends. Let’s say you are an intellectual student that decides to attend some crappy state school even though you don’t care about sports. Well, I have visited friends in a lot of state schools and they simply ignore the sports and happily mingle with intellectual students to discuss philosophy. All niches can be filled in all schools, so why not go into college with your niche (friends) anyway?</p>

<p>I really believe that if you have good enough friends (again, I mean friends that are your fit, not superficial friends, his kind of friendship is more likely with introverts since they aren’t as social to begin with and try to choose friends wisely. Just a generalization though), then you will enjoy your college experience. Think about what you would enjoy more: being a loner for 4 years at an ivy, or hanging out with your friends, having them support you and do things with you, for 4 years at a crappy state school?</p>

5

<p>Hey, wait just a minute – “a crappy state school” vs. an Ivy? There are a lot of good to great to really great public universities, and they are full of intellectual students, some of whom actually love sports as well as academics. :slight_smile: Many students choose a public university over an Ivy for reasons other than where their friends are going.</p>

6

<p>I had close friends in high school. We all went to different colleges and met new friends.
Guess what? We are still friends, now officially “old” friends. We all enjoyed our different paths and have wider social circles now (having added friends from our careers, new neighborhoods, spouses, etc.) but we still see each other, and enjoy each other’s company. And I know if I am ever in need of help, my old friends will be there for me. </p>

<p>So, it isn’t an “either or” proposition!!!</p>

7

<p>Marsian: Ya, I know. I was only talking about the crappy ones (note I didn’t name any to avoid controversy). </p>

<p>Bean: I don’t see how your experience disproves my argument. You just fit into the “can make friends” category. I know we all idealistically like to think everyone can do this, but in reality, many people have difficulty, and they might never meet as good friends as they did from high school. I mean, if you marry in high school, are you going to divorce your spouse thinking, oh I’ll just meet another one? I don’t necessarily believe in the power of the individual, but that we are all shaped by our environment or genetics, and so, many times pushing people into the deep end will just kill them, not teach them to swim.</p>

<p>My argument rests solely on knowing yourself. If you know you can make friends, then take the risk. If you know you can’t, then don’t. If you are unsure, then you unfortunately have to gamble, but if you fail, then don’t blame yourself; it’s just how you are.</p>

8

<p>I can understand how a small minority of VERY shy and introverted people would be better off going to college with their best friends. The emotional turmoil that the absence of these would cause could be catastrophic…ON THE OTHER HAND, I also think that these people should put a strong effort to eventually not have to depend on these friends. What’s going to happen when you graduate? Will you also base what grad school you go to and/or your JOB on where your friends are heading to? Even if your friends have the exact same academic and professional interests, the odds that you will be accepted into the same grad schools and/or work together are VERY slim. Even if you are accepted, will both be able to afford that grad school? Again, I understand that some people have a much harder time than others meeting and connecting with new people, and a lack of support from family members would certainly make things worse, but they can’t pretend that they’re going to be around their high school friends forever. An effort to be less dependent on these friends would be better in the long term.</p>

9

<p>

But you have no way of knowing whether this is true–perhaps without your old friends to rely upon, you would have found new friends who would have supported you in the same or other ways. I understand that you weren’t ready to leave the high school social cocoon and felt the need to maintain it as much as possible when you started college, but all of us have to make new connections in life at some point–those high school friends may scatter to the four winds when they graduate college, and you may end up living far from all of them. For many, college is the ideal time to learn how to forge new relationships and work on discovering what kind of people you want in your adult life (they may be very different from those who were appealing to a 16 year old). By choosing a college where you cling to old relationships, you lose that learning opportunity, and you may find the post-graduation “real” world more difficult to navigate as a result.</p>

10

<p>You are right. I rescind my opinion. It is true that at some point, you will need to diverge from your friends, so college is a good time to start. </p>

<p>However, may I offer an amendment. For some, it is better to retain a net e.g. go to school in a city where your friends are going to another school.</p>