So, my best friend is also my roommate, and we are now seniors in college. We’ve been rooming together since sophomore year, and we’ve never had any issues and barely any fights at all. She started dating this guy last October, and they’ve been together ever since. They literally are together every day. Last year, they always slept on the futon outside and were continuing to do that until earlier this week, when they decided to sleep in the room. OH and btw, he basically lives with us because he works in our area and his place is 40 minutes from his work (i did not know this before i got to school, and she never told me or asked me if i was okay with it).
The next day, i asked her if that was going to be a permanent situation, because I’m not completely comfortable with him sleeping in our room all the time. She went on about how its her room too and she has a right to do what she wants and got super defensive, and I replied back saying that it wasn’t fair to me (this was over text). Since he lives with us, we didn’t talk about it again until today since we wanted to talk about it alone. She told me that she and him are going to move out and find their own place since they feel uncomfortable sleeping in the living room and in the room as well. She was not very understanding of why I was uncomfortable with them sleeping in here and brought up sophomore year when my sister used to visit me a lot on the weekends. This was never an issue with her, and the fact that she brought it up honestly really upset me. My sister came up a lot because she was really lonely at her school and I always welcomed her because I love her and wanted her to not be alone. I feel like she just brought it up to be petty. She said when my sister was here, she really just wanted to hang out with me alone, but 90% of sophomore year, she went home on the weekends and we did not hang out a lot. Anyways, I even told her that I’m okay with them sleeping in the room occasionally, just not all the time, which I think is super reasonable. I don’t know why she is acting so offended just because I said I wasn’t comfortable with her boyfriend sleeping in my room all the time…
I’m upset with the fact that she’s moving out and the way she handled this situation. It doesn’t feel right. She didn’t even say anything about not living with me anymore and just flat out told me, “Well we’re just gonna move out and find a place.” I don’t feel that she is treating me like a best friend at all, and things don’t feel the same.
Also, I know that when she does move out, we’re never going to hang out. We barely hang out now, only when we walk to class together. She is always with her boyfriend.
I just wanted to know other opinions on this situation. Is she right in moving out of our apartment and the way she is acting in this situation?
I’ll bite. If she signed a lease and her name is on it, then she needs to figure out how to get out of the lease. It’s not fair to you that he is there everyday and not paying rent and doesn’t have a dedicated room to stay in.
Wait and see how things go, the roommate might settle down and see that you aren’t being unreasonable.
But the relationship has changed, she has a boyfriend and that’s who she wants to spend time with. Unfortunately these things happen.
But since the lease probably has you and her name on it, and not his, I think you can negotiate that he isn’t there all the time.
It’s a sad fact of life that friendships don’t always last and that people often make their romantic relationships a higher priority than maintaining friendships. So what she’s doing to you as far as spending more time with him and not with you is her choice and you can’t do anything about it.
As far as her moving out and finding her own place, that’s her decision too, unless you have a lease for the apartment with her name on it that requires her to pay her portion of the rent during a specific time frame. If so, she’ll have to fulfill her terms of the lease. If that’s the case, you still have the problem with the boyfriend which, no, is not right or fair to you because that wasn’t part of your arrangement. I’m assuming that he’s not contributing towards the rent (which is not fair), but even if he was, all of you sleeping together in one room isn’t what you signed up for either. She should be mature enough to know that.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I hope that you can discuss this with her and find a fair solution to the housing problem.
As far as the friendship is concerned, I’d advise you to try to make new friends. She’s obviously choosing him over you.
The thing is I’m okay with him being in the apartment in the living room. I’m just not okay with him sleeping in our room every night, which they have not done since that night, but I’m upset with her that she is taking it so far as to move out and not treat me like I’m her best friend
Also, she is literally like my only friend here at school and I’m basically her only other friend, and she knows that, which is why I guess it upsets me more that she wants to move out, knowing that I’ll never see her and be alone at school. I’ve also expressed to her how lonely and homesick I feel at school and I just feel like she doesn’t care at all.
It’s not unreasonable to not want her bf to sleep in the same room as you, but that desire and her desire to not sleep in the living room are incompatible.
You’re a senior. You have like 1.5 semesters left. You can branch out to make new friends, or you can just slog through your remaining time at college, but you cannot force her to continue sleeping in the living room if she doesn’t want to.
I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She is moving forward in her life and has decided to move to a new place with her boyfriend. They have a right to their privacy. In the four years at college you should have taken the chance to meet lots of new people. It is best to not take it to heart and start focusing on your own future.
You, unfortunately, are not the first woman to be dumped by a girlfriend when a guy enters the picture. It is very common.
Is she on the lease? If so, she at least has to pay her rent through that period, unless the lease alllows her to find someone to sublet and she does that.
Can you afford your own room or a studio next year?
I agree that it’s unreasonable for the BF to sleep in the same room as you.
I assume they did it because the futon is uncomfortable. Between their own discomfort – and your (reasonable) discomfort with the alternative, which is sleeping in your room – they made the only rational decision. Wanting to sleep together, they will get their own place.
Sadly, this is what happens when people grow, meet significant others, and want to spend time with them. Definitely hold your roommate to whatever she signed: she shouldn’t leave you high and dry with the rent.
But in the end, there’s not much you can do about the situation. It’s hard to lose a roommate. It’s doubly hard when the roommate is also your best friend. If this friendship is important to you, let them go graciously. Odds are their romance won’t last (most college relationships don’t) but even if it does, a true friendship is worth a bump here and there.
How would you propose to solve the problem? They don’t want to stay at his house as it is 40 minutes away. They don’t want to sleep in the living room. You con’t want them in the bedroom.
Is there a way to rearrange your living space? If not, I don’t see a way around it.
What are you going to do after you graduate? Do you think that she has an obligation to live with you and be your friend indefinitely?
I can understand this being upsetting to you, but you have to have a more mature mindset about it. You can’t make her provide you companionship if she doesn’t want to. You can’t force her to keep being your friend if she’s decided to branch out on her own. Especially at your age when people are moving on to jobs and more serious relationships.
You need to take this opportunity to become more social and meet new people. If she’s the only friend you have after going to college for three years, you’ve not been making the most of your social opportunities. Now is the time to start learning how to do that, because that’s what people have to do in the real world.
I was a shy introvert at your age and I went through a few periods in life where I didn’t have a constant companion - I basically had the same experience as you in college - where three of my best friends dropped me in favor of their boyfriends (who later became their husbands). What happened in my senior year was that my friend and I rented a two bedroom apartment - with one room for me and one for her and her boyfriend and we split the rent three ways. She wasn’t a very good friend during that year and spent all of her time with her boyfriend, but I didn’t have to find another roommate, and the financial situation was a great fit for all of us. Maybe that could be an option for the three of you? If not, then you’ll just have to accept this upsetting, but common part of being an adult.
I agree it sounds like she’s just not that into you. This is a warning to you that you should not put all your eggs in one basket. One friend is not enough. You really need to get out and find other people to socialize with. In the meantime - I’m not sure how the monetary arrangements work since apparently you have a one bedroom apartment.
My sophomore year I had a suite arrangement which essentially had two single rooms and a living room, but there were three of us. The person who was in the living room walled off their area with book cases and dressers so there was a bit more privacy. (It was me the first term, then the girl, who was actually spending more of her time with her boyfriend in another suite, traded with me.) Which is to say, maybe there’s a way of putting a bed in the living room and moving the futon.
I’m not upset about the act of her moving out, I actually think its the most logical solution, but I just think the way she is handling the situation, she isn’t treating me like her best friend. I agree that I should have made more friends, but I didn’t. Also, the futon uncomfortableness is not the problem, she just feels awkward around the other roommates, who don’t have any issue with it and are barely ever here.
Sorry to say, but she’s not your best friend. Or even much of a friend at all.
You two WERE good friends. You are no longer. She shifted her priorities. She never had any obligation to treat you as her best friend, btw. It was good that you drew the line at sharing your bedroom. She needs to keep paying her share of the rent- not you taking on that. There is nothing wrong with either of you, you both are going in different directions. It is sooner than you like but was going to happen someday. It is difficult for you but a learning situation.
Move forward. Life happens. You have your own life- independent of her. You are in college to get your degree, do so. Time will heal the currently fresh wounds.
The thing is, I am very independent from her. I don’t rely on her for anything and I have my own life. We don’t really hang out that much, we just live together but we’re still best friends. She just spends all her time with her bc now. Well, I thought we were best friends until this situation happened. It’s not even like she’s being mean, it just seems like she doesn’t care about me. But otherwise, our relationship has always been super healthy, and we’ve been there for each other through a lot. I don’t want to lose her as a friend…we’ve always talked about being each other’s kid’s god mothers…
Best friends grow apart. It happens.
Maybe when she moves out, you guys can be friends again. Sometimes 3 is a crowd and it creates a stressful situation. Outside of that, the friendship my be salvaged.
But I think she’s making the logical choice. She wants to sleep with her boyfriend so she’s getting a place so they can do that… privately.
I lived with my roommate all 4 years of college. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. We talk maybe once every 6 months now. We still love each other, but life happened.
I still don’t see what you want her to do. You want her to stay and be you best friend. That’s not going to happen. She wants to live with her boyfriend.
It sounds like you have other roommates too. Just look at this as a good thing. She’ll have to pay the rent or get someone to take her place. My daughter didn’t eat in the dorm cafeteria her first year, so she and her roommate agreed to eat together once a week. They weren’t best friends but did get along and wanted to stay connected. She does the same with other friends (D lives in a sorority house and has all meals there) for coffee or a meal. You have to make an effort to keep a friendship going.
It’s all about significance. Your “best friend” once considered you a significant person in her life. A mature person would still be able to maintain the significant friendship while pursuing the “significant other” in that person’s life. Apparently, your once “best friend” no longer considers you as significant, not realizing that she could still need you when she has to face that eventual falling out with the current “significant other,” like all immature persons do. You sound very independent, and that’s a great trait in a person. Move on. You’d be stronger for it. Unfortunately for your “best friend,” I’m not so sure.
There is only one side of the story represented on this thread. If the roommate posted, she’d probably sound perfectly reasonable, just like OP does. It’s just that both of their perfectly reasonable desires can’t come true at the same time – at least not while they’re living together.
You don’t have to live with someone to stay friends with them.