My college environment isn't right for me, and it's affecting my academics.

College Life
1

<p>I’m currently a freshman studying at a state school who is living in the dorms. I’m attending school 2 hours away from home.</p>

<p>It’s only been a few days since I started living on campus, and I can already tell this isn’t the place for me. When I picked this school I was very confident and proud in my choice, but after finally being here, I regret everything. I was excited with the idea of dorming… Living on my own, doing things when I want, managing my own time, etc. After finally experiencing college life in the dorms, I now realize that it’s just not for me and I would probably be better as a commuter student at a school back home. My only goal in college is to get my degree; I’m not concerned with the “college” experience at all to be honest. I just thought living in the dorms might be a nice bonus while getting my degree at the same time. </p>

<p>My roommate is nice, but we probably won’t be great friends. Also, I know no one else here, and it seems that everyone already has cliques. I’m not a very social person and tend to be very reserved. This school is very social (not my thing). Also, it’s hard for me to connect with other people here because everyone wants to party, and that’s just not my thing. Most people here are nice enough to introduce themselves and make small talk, but if you don’t party, the relationship usually ends there. I’m also VERY close with my family, and I didn’t think it was going to be this hard leaving them. My parents aren’t getting any younger, and my sister needs all the support she can get because she is very shy. I help around the house a lot because my parents can’t do some things like they used too. Also, my grandparents live close to my parents, and I miss seeing them. I also feel like I abandoned them because I help them a lot as well. My college is about a 2 hour drive from home, so I won’t be going back often. Except for breaks most likely. My school has a good academic reputation, and that was one of the reasons I chose to go here. (Probably the best academically out of the colleges I got accepted to). This is not really a homesick thing, it’s more of a comfort thing. I need quiet and isolation to study, but I also need small intimate relationships like I did back home for support. My family makes me happy and keeps me going and I prefer to hang out with them than college students. Plus, a good number of my close high school friends attend college back home, and we’re really close. I really want to transfer to a college back home asap so I can just commute and not have to stay in the dorms. But I don’t want to let my family down after investing time and money to attend and dorm here. I mean, I can only imagine what will my family and friends think of me if I quit now. But in all honesty, I think I have to transfer to a school back home. I can’t focus here at school, and I feel like my academics are being severely affected. And academics are the reason I’m going to college.</p>

<p>I also cry at night sometimes just realizing how much I don’t fit in here. This isn’t the environment I thought it would be, and I feel like everything is coming in at full force. I don’t think I can even make it through the semester, but I guess I have no choice now.</p>

<p>So my questions are as followed:

  1. What should I do?
  2. How soon can I transfer out of a cal state school?
  3. Can I transfer to another cal state school closer to home?
  4. What about my housing license?
  5. How am I going to make it through the year if I feel this way?
  6. Any advice?</p>

<p>Please help. Thanks.</p>

2

<p>What you are feeling is very normal at this stage in the game. You haven’t had enough time to settle in to your new routine at the new school. No place is perfect - not even staying at home and commuting - but you just have yet to find your niche in this school.
Not everyone likes to party so your job is to seek out others who don’t party to find a group of people that you will enjoy. First of all, I would study in the library. There are lots of quiet places and many times the same people come back to study in the same spots so you can meet people there. Also, if you are of a religious denomination, try to find that group on campus. Those kids are probably not the partiers. Go to the club fairs and look out for groups that may interest you. My daughter joined the sewing club. Not many partiers there at all. Believe me, you are not the only one at this stage of the game who hasn’t made a group of friends. Another way to meet people is to get a job on campus. Maybe in the cafeteria or in the library. Or join your major’s professional orginization such as the young engineer group or whatever. If you feel the stress of college is affecting your ability to concentrate, you may want to go to your counselor or even to the student health clinic. They have professionals there who can help. Remember you are not alone and this is very normal. Just give it more time. Stretch out of your comfort zone.</p>

3

<p>You really need to give it longer – this sounds like pretty normal issues with settling in to me. There are people at your school who are also less social but looking for friends, you just have to find them. Just because your roommate isn’t one doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Some ideas for meeting them:</p>

<ul>
<li>On Friday & Saturday night when most people are out, leave you door open and play some music. Or go roam the hall of your dorm with a pack of cards (and maybe some Oreos :)) and see if anyone hanging around wants to play cards.</li>
<li>Does your dorm have a kitchen area? Get stuff to make cookies and do that on a weekend night. That could attract people in the dorm who aren’t out partying.</li>
<li>You have to scope out your own quiet places to study. Library, sometimes there are study areas in buildings on campus, etc. The student union at my college had this great study area that I used a lot (okay, I took a few naps in the comfy chairts, too, but also got a lot of studying done!).</li>
<li>Maybe look for opportunities to volunteer near campus. Helping organize an event or working with other students on volunteer activities can be a good way to get to know people.</li>
<li>Consider where your areas of interest lie and try to join a couple of clubs or organizations on campus that match those. Say the student newspaper, theater club, ballroom dancing, etc. You will probably meet some friends there. My D1 joined the swing dance club – also not a place with a lot of partiers, but they had fun.</li>
<li>Do you know anyone from home on campus? See if they want to get together for some non-party activity. Not because you necessarily want to hang out with them all the time, but so you can meet their friends and roommates. I met my best friend in college because a guy from my high school met her at orientation and introduced us.</li>
<li>If you aren’t happy with your dorm (maybe it is a super-social place), consider moving next year to someplace like substance free housing, a special interest house (like a language house), an all women’s dorm if they exist, or co-operative housing. Those tend to be close-knit places, and a lot of them have less partying. You might even be able to move at the semester break, depending on the policies at your school.</li>
</ul>

<p>New friendships don’t spring up in just a few days. It takes some time to get to know people and develop the kind of support system you have back home. But it is worth the effort for sure.</p>

4

<p>I went through something similar. During the first two weeks of dorming, I HATED it! But by the end of the semester, I loved it (I ended up commuting the next semester, but that was because of financial reasons). You should consider finishing up the semester to see how it goes. As other people have said, what you are going through is very common. </p>

<p>During the semester, I volunteered, got a job, joined two clubs, joined a gym class, exercised daily, and went to two weekly study groups. All of my other free time was devoted to studying and class time. This kept me very busy, so the time flied by. I didn’t have time to be miserable!</p>

5

<p>Thanks for the advice everyone. It means a lot. I mean that. I’ll try and grind it out and see where I’m at after a semester. </p>

<p>It’s been tough though because I literally tear up whenever I think of not seeing my family everyday. We’re so close, and I’m scared of not being with them. I do so many things that help my family, and I’m worried they’ll be stressed and tired without me. </p>

<p>I don’t know if any of you have felt this way about leaving family, but it’s my biggest fear and worry.</p>

6

<p>You can touch base with them daily if you need to. My D1 called me every day in college! I know there are parents here who say that is too much, but it was great for us. She usually called when she was walking to a class or an evening meeting, so it was only for about 10 minutes. Just right to catch up on the day and still feel close. :slight_smile: She was also the kid who followed me around when she got home every day because she HAD to tell me about her day, so maybe that is part of it. But if you want to call, do that. You will probably find that they are doing pretty well without you (don’t let that get you down, either!). </p>

<p>But try to make a real effort this year to try some activities you want to do and make some connections. Most of us have been there – that first couple of months of college can be a shock. It doesn’t feel like home and new connections can take a while to form. Just keep yourself busy, and make sure you do some things besides just study.</p>

<p>The best thing you can do for your family is successfully finish your degree and stand on your own feet financially, then you are in a better position to lend them a hand. It is easier to join things, go to office hours, and work in study groups if you live on campus, so keep that in mind as you work to build a new life for yourself on campus. Good luck, we are rooting for you!</p>

7

<p>Thanks so much for the advice and support!!! I think I might’ve made a new friend today, so hopefully that’s a sign of good things to come. I’m trying to maintain a positive attitude, even though it’s been hard. But I’ll definitely take everyone’s advice and I’ll see how things go.</p>

<p>@intparent
Thank you! I’ll definitely be in contact with my family often. I just love them so much, that it’s going to be difficult. But, I’ll definitely take your advice and see where that takes me.</p>

8

<p>Keep your priorities straight. Put your academics first. Won’t you feel silly if you get poor marks due to a short term case of homesickness. You’ve hardly been there, but already decided it has no chance? You won’t feel the same in a month, much less a year. Why do kids have no perspective, I wonder if this is part of that delayed frontal lobe development I keep hearing about.</p>

<p>You didn’t make intimate friends in high school overnight and I don’t know why you’d think that would happen now. But it will happen. Allow it. Just find people to hang out with until those special bonds form with one or two friends, friends of friends or classmates. Chat up people before and after class. </p>

<p>If you think you need help, be sure to visit the student health center, don’t hesitate. It is important to learn how to keep yourself going and not have to rely on outside sources for that. Think of this as personal development and building a stronger more adaptable you.</p>

<p>Keep your family in touch with the new things you are experiencing. Look for the positives about the school to save up to tell them. And about the surrounding area you are in when you get a chance to get out and around. Tell them about your classes and what is interesting. If you don’t have an interesting class, add one for fun. It’s so exciting for parents to get this kind of info. You are ONLY 2 hours away for crying out loud. There should be 3 day weekends here or there to go home for. Best wishes, things change.</p>