My college essay response to option 1 on common app

<p>The Mistake
Einstein has said “anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” The first time I tried something new, it turned out to be the biggest mistake I ever made. Since my parents are devout Hindus, I am expected to follow Indian customs and traditions, including refraining from the consumption of animal flesh. I was successful in this endeavor until I turned 12. At school, I told my friends that I was a vegetarian. They all gave me a puzzled look as if they were saying “why would you want to be a vegetarian?” They tried to convince me to eat a chicken nugget. I frowned as I expeditiously refused the suggestion. However, they continued to exhort me to eat a quarter of a chicken nugget. I had arrived at a crossroads in my life. On one side was my religion which forbade me to eat meat and on the other side was a new experience. At last, in a moment of weakness, I succumbed to peer pressure and put a small piece in my mouth. It was unlike anything I had ever tasted and it tasted disgusting. I spit it out. My friends derided my ineptitude in consuming meat. When it was over, I realized the magnitude of my gaffe. I had allowed a piece of an animal flesh to touch my lips, teeth, and tongue. I had violated the rules of my religion and committed a sin.
My parents questioned me about my day at school. I remembered my faux-pas and my hands began to perspire. I became uneasy and my hands began to vibrate. My guilty conscience led me to reveal the truth. My parents fell silent and for what seemed like a year I heard the clattering of forks and knives. My mom told me she was disappointed in me. After dinner, I was sent to my room. Surrounded by silence, I contemplated the impact of my actions. After mush introspection, I realized that my mistake was about more than violating the rules of my religion. I had sacrificed my ethics and values in order feel accepted. I had unconsciously drifted towards conformity. I promised myself and my parents that I will never stray from my customs. This experience taught me that I should never sacrifice my values. My ideals and ethics are what make me an individual.<br>
How is it?
should i add things or take away things?
is it a sob story?
does it answer the question posed by option number 1?
feel free to tear it apart it's only my first draft
i am applying to Princeton, NYU, UPenn, and Cornell</p>

<p>it's a good topic choice, but it could use some editing. in addition to whatever advice you get here, keep just reading your essay to yourself whenever you have a free moment, fixing whatever stands out to you as awkward or not as strong as it should be. </p>

<p>-it's very simply written so see if you can vary sentence structure and make it more complex
-use your own words- at times it's fairly obvious that you used microsoft thesaurus (expeditiously, exhort, gaffe, etc)
-you don't totally explain your motivations; did you try chicken because of peer pressure or because you wanted to try something new?
-try to show, not tell- use more descriptions rather than just stating what happened.</p>

<p>good job so far, and good luck! :)</p>

<p>-try to show, not tell- use more descriptions rather than just stating what happened.</p>

<p>this is sooooooo important. </p>

<p>know how to do this by asking ur english teacher or friends who know. </p>

<p>example: I transformed into a better person.</p>

<p>example: After a few years, the friends I got to know taught me so much about life. I learned to cherish what was important. When I was walking down the street, a few people kicked me but I learned to not get mad. I wanted to be a better person.</p>

<p>I kinda liked it...but i can say no more, since i personally dislike essays about relligion/moral values (no offence of course).</p>

<p>(by the way : i wouldn't call the things chicken nuggets are made of "animals"... if you were dissapointed in what you aet, wait to see from what they are actually made of) offence</p>

<p>For me, the essay just shows that you are a bit close-minded and that this experienced traumatized you in a way that maybe you won't risk trying something new in the future.</p>

<p>On one hand, I'm an atheist and I naturally consider silly that religions forbid things and considers them "sins"; so I'm biased.</p>

<p>On the other hand, maybe someone in the admissions office has the same opinion as mine, and that would be horrible for you. So, I would reconsider the topic if I were you...</p>