My college essay

College Essays
1

<p>Why Dentistry?
The sound of teeth being drilled along with the sight of a man wearing a dreaded white coat and mask were the horrors I faced at the dentist. From a very young age, I had many problems with my teeth that continue even now while wearing braces. Hearing my parents say, “let’s take a trip to the dentist” led to absolute terror. Every time a baby tooth wiggled, I was frightened for my life. Now looking, back I realize that my fear was totally over exaggerated but common to most children at that age<br>
However, this is not about why I was afraid to go to the dentist but why I want to become one. My mother, who is an inspiration to me, instilled the value of honesty, compassion, love and patience from a very young age. That resonated with me and inspired me to want to help people.
Since I wanted to have a sense of what the dentists in my dental office really do, I asked my pediatric dentist if I could shadow her and she gladly agreed. Although, I was mainly an observer, I had the opportunity to interact with the patients and see many pediatric dental procedures. She exposed me to a diverse patient population with different dental problems and needs. I observed as she dealt with each patient individually and treated each one to the best of her ability. She familiarized me with strategies for oral health endorsement and disease prevention. She alleviated the fear I had as a child as she demonstrated compassion towards her patients assuaging them with love and patience. That is the reason why shadowing my pediatric dentist made me to choose dentistry.
As a dentist, one must be handy and creative. This pertains to me because I have been passionate about art and its effect on stimulating emotions and thoughts. Viewing art creates communication between me and the picture or sculpture. For a few months, I attended the Art and Design Studio of Rockland, where I studied fine art and design. After attending this school, I learned to paint landscapes and sculpt figures while also learning excellent judging skills that a dentist will need to use while doing dental procedures for instance the elements of space, shape, and color.<br>
Looking into the future, I will be obliged to fulfill my ambition of working within the dentistry profession. I am aspired, armed with confidence and compassion, to achieve this goal. One day, when I complete my dental school education, I hope to help children like the pediatric dentist that I shadowed. I will be a capable and wonderful dentist. </p>

<p>Please comment on my essay!</p>

2

<p>The sound of teeth being drilled along with the sight of a man wearing a dreaded white coat and mask were the horrors I faced at the dentist.
(awkward phrasing, avoid passive tense–but interesting intro!)</p>

<p>From a very young age, I had many problems with my teeth that continue even now while wearing braces.
(Sounds like you’re complaining)</p>

<p>Hearing my parents say, “let’s take a trip to the dentist” led to absolute terror. Every time a baby tooth wiggled, I was frightened for my life. Now looking, back I realize that my fear was totally over exaggerated but common to most children at that age
However, this is not about why I was afraid to go to the dentist but why I want to become one.
(Overly blunt statement of your subject makes this sound…kind of lame)
My mother, who is an inspiration to me, instilled the value of honesty, compassion, love and patience from a very young age. That resonated with me and inspired me to want to help people.
(Your mother is an inspiration? so is everyone else’s mom. Everyone values compassion. This does not show that you are unique.)</p>

<p>Since I wanted to have a sense of what the dentists in my dental office really do, I asked my pediatric dentist if I could shadow her and she gladly agreed. Although, I was mainly an observer, I had the opportunity to interact with the patients and see many pediatric dental procedures. She exposed me to a diverse patient population with different dental problems and needs. I observed as she dealt with each patient individually and treated each one to the best of her ability. She familiarized me with strategies for oral health endorsement and disease prevention. She alleviated the fear I had as a child as she demonstrated compassion towards her patients assuaging them with love and patience. That is the reason why shadowing my pediatric dentist made me to choose dentistry.
(Again, overly blunt stating of your idea. Also, you spend a LOT of time talking about what you did shadowing your dentist, yet it’s still incredibly vague, and we don’t learn anything about you.)</p>

<p>As a dentist, one must be handy and creative. This pertains to me because I have been passionate about art and its effect on stimulating emotions and thoughts. Viewing art creates communication between me and the picture or sculpture. For a few months, I attended the Art and Design Studio of Rockland, where I studied fine art and design. After attending this school, I learned to paint landscapes and sculpt figures while also learning excellent judging skills that a dentist will need to use while doing dental procedures for instance the elements of space, shape, and color.
(Interesting tie-in, but you don’t put it together well. It sounds like you’re saying that dentists need to be good artists.)</p>

<p>Looking into the future, I will be obliged to fulfill my ambition of working within the dentistry profession. I am aspired, armed with confidence and compassion, to achieve this goal. One day, when I complete my dental school education, I hope to help children like the pediatric dentist that I shadowed. I will be a capable and wonderful dentist.
(Whoa. Ego, calm down.)</p>

<p>Good: interesting change from fear to interest, shows determination</p>

<p>Bad: poor grammar (especially commas), overstating topic, not getting in-depth, not actually analyzing or talking about yourself (simply being afraid of something and being compassionate doesn’t really count), sounds egotistical at end, way too short.</p>

<p>Basically, if you kept the topic but COMPLETELY re-wrote it and made it more about you, it could be good.</p>