OP, the same thing happened to my D her freshman year and it was ROUGH. Many many tearful calls home to mom. It was really very hard on both of us. I think the best you can do at this stage is just listen, even though you badly want to fix it. We can suffer with our kids, but we can’t suffer for them.
The good news is that she did pop back, and I’m sure your son will too. But it’s not easy. Good luck to you both.
While it’s very painful for the kids, I would never drop everything to be with them.
There are worse places to feel lonely and heartbroken than a college campus in the fall with literally hundreds (if not thousands) of smart, attractive people of the sex to which you respond in your immediate vicinity looking for someone to have fun and maybe some romance with. I don’t mean to downplay the real pain involved in a breakup. But there’s a miracle cure close at hand as soon as he feels ready, and maybe even before that.
If I sent 30 or more cards in a period of one month to either of my Ds, they would think I was the one who needed help.
LOL, @Nrdsb4 – I’d get an annoyed phone call… and I’d be hearing about it for years later
Even if it resulted in him getting annoyed by me for sending a card, at least I’d know he’s distracted and not consumed by the hurt of getting dumped.
Let your student know you are there for him. Tell him you always want to hear the good the bad and the ugly. He doesn’t need to spare you and that you don’t always expect him to call just with good news.
I think just the reassurance that he can call will anything is helpful. Text or call him more frequently this month to “check in” on how he’s doing. Surprisingly, my student really likes this. I think they just want to feel they are not alone.
Encourage him to talk about it with his peers, so many have been through it it. Again, he just needs to hear it’s hard and that he is not alone.
“Breaking up is hard to do.” --Neil Sedaka
If your son is at an OOS school, I’m assuming he has health insurance coverage from his home insurance or you bought the full coverage plan at school. Perhaps he has the option to see a CBT therapist in the city where he is now, instead of being on the waiting list for a school counselor.
I mention it because we have a kid going to an OOS school and bought the full coverage plan there. It is excellent insurance, better coverage than our home insurance.
Good luck to you both. It’s HARD.
If your family is at all religious, he may also be able to talk to a local minister, rabbi or priest. Just an idea. Sometimes it helps just to find a sympathetic listening ear.
The same thing happened to my son. He called me very upset saying he wanted to come home for the weekend. I drove hours to campus, picked him up, made him a nice dinner, consoled him. So he’s home a few hours and he says “Can I take him back to campus. His frat was going to a basket ball game and having a party”. I was relieved and happily drove him back.
The best thing to do is to get back into the swim of things. Go out. Attend parties. See friends. Forget about it.
"Encourage him to talk about it with his peers, so many have been through it it. "
It’s hard in a new environment, especially where you don’t have long term friendships because you’re new to college.
I’d be careful about talking about it to peers at school too much. It can get old and you don’t want to come across as the “debbie downer” when everyone else is looking for fun and relaxation. Honestly, other than a one time conversation, most college aged friends aren’t too good of a sounding board with this kind of stuff, IMO.
Be there for him as much as he wants to talk about it. If the intensity of his sorrow and broken heart goes on for more than another week or so, do consider seeking some counseling even if it has to be off campus and costs $.
If he won’t go to counseling on his own, encourage him to speak to RA. My D found her RA to be well trained and very helpful in some stressful freshman situations and that might avoid what @doschicos is referring to plus a little more confidentiality than with random group of friends.
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I didn’t say talk about it all the time. But yes, other students and peers may be the best people who understand what he is going through. (just like most stressors–those who are going thru it or have gone thru it understand best and can offer support). Talking about it is better than not talking about it.
Not everything needs a therapist or counselor on or off campus.
Sorry to OP and all of those who are and have dealt with this. Breaking up with first serious love is very painful. Some of the suggestions are good: RAs CAN be helpful, private counselor trained in CBT near campus can also be a plus, or a trained religious leader. On the other hand, some folks just handle things in their own time and way.
Agree also that it can be a catalyst for your child to engage in activities, including volunteering and socializing with the dorm and campus and community. Good luck! A nice care package he could share with buddies might be useful.
I’d be concerned that going to see him or flying him home may send the unintended message “we don’t think you can handle this on your own”.
My folks were never told when I broke up with long-term BFs and never did anything. I handled OK. I did immerse myself in activities to help heal from breakups. I’m sure your S will weather it and grow.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to each and every one of you who responded. It was so helpful to hear all of your advice and perspectives, and I really appreciate the moral support too.
Week two was just a little better than week one, but still painful. He is pushing through and doing everything “right”… he is eating, sleeping, exercising, going to class and trying to do things with his new friends. He has joined a club or two and is going to the meetings. I know this sounds really good (and I am certainly glad that he can do these things!), but his affect is still so flat (usually a very happy, upbeat kid) and it is clear that he is just “going through the motions.” I am certain that he is not in danger from a mental health safety perspective, but I am also sure that he is far from ok.
I am lucky to be flying out for parents weekend in three weeks. That will be a mixed visit, I imagine, as his ex had bought a ticket to come with me - so I’m sure she will be on his mind that weekend. Will focus on trying to do some dinners out for him and some new pals while I am there. Offered to come out sooner, but he declined - so sent a couple of care packages.
He is open to counseling and we are investigating options off campus - which still have a wait, but not as long.
I really appreciate each of you!! Just hearing about your common experiences - and that things do get better, albeit slowly, for these heartbroken freshman - makes me feel optimistic. Thanks again, everyone! <3
I think he’ll do fine. Getting “dumped” or being rejected will happen to us all in one way shape or form at sometime or another and in its own way is a learning experience. As difficult as it is to be so far away from home he is also away from things that might constantly be reminders of shared friends, events or experiences. While I’m sure it’s on his mind a lot, he won’t be around people who will help him dwell on her all the time. It’s not the new start he thought he was going to have but it is a new start and one without encumbrances. Remind him you care and show interest in his new experiences. I would discuss the old ones only when he brings them up. I think you’ll discover as time goes on he’ll have a lot more to talk about concerning his current life and his old experiences while always a part of who he is will become more and more just memories.