…by his girlfriend of several years. Completely out of the blue. He is so devastated, is thousands of miles from home at an out-of-state college and has only a limited support system there after three weeks on campus. He is so sad. He is going to classes and trying to keep up daily life, but it is a struggle. It has been a week. How long is too long for the grieving to be so severe? He tried to get an appointment with campus mental health but there is a huge waiting list. I have no previous experience with my adult children going through a breakup. Help!
Sorry this happened. It is VERY common for a breakup like this to happen at the first Thansgiving home (the “Turkey Drop”). At least then they are home with you. If it were my kid and I could afford it, I might fly out for a weekend and just coddle him a bit, and make sure he is okay. If I couldn’t go, I’d send a care package or two and touch base regularly.
My bff is dealing with this through her daughter, but the breakup happened mid-summer. Her D is still a bit of a mess. Just tonight she said, “I was getting impatient with her, but at 50 something years old, I had to think back really hard to remember just how painful and how devastating those first breakups are, but when I really thought about it, ya - they were brutal and the effects lasted a long time.”
It’s a big deal, especially if this was his first big love and it sounds like it was. Besides this catastrophic event, she may bounce back in or out in some form (haunting snapchats or texts) and the messing up with his mind and heart may continue. The grieving can last a long time - with compassion I would find a gentle way to remind him not to mess up his future gpa over this by tanking the first semester - and to put his pain into his school work. Like intparent said, can you go see him for family weekend or can he come home? (although sounds really far for a weekend…). I would hope he doesn’t isolate himself from others cause he is sad, encourage him to get into a club, a job at a coffee shop, anything to keep him social. He should still put his name on that long list with mental health (this is such a problem at a lot of colleges - kids can’t get the help when they need it most, but that’s another thread). He will likely still need it when his time slot comes up, and it is a good sign he did that - he wants to know how to get through this.
Good luck and hugs to him.
I agree - if you can get out for a weekend visit or if your son can come home, it might be beneficial. I find it very telling for today’s youth that the wait for counseling was so long. I think today’s youth have a tremendous amount of stress and pressure on them and at the end of the day, for what? So unfortunate.
I feel your pain! The same thing happened to S2 in mid-October of his freshman year and it was rough. He was devastated. And, those heartbreaking phone calls still give me a pit in my stomach when I think about them!
That “alone” feeling is also an added difficulty as they are not surrounded by their high school or childhood friends. Our son had made a good group of friends when the break-up happened but he didn’t feel comfortable enough with them to bare his soul. His close group of high school friends where all scattered around the country and, although were very supportive, were still busy finding their place in their new lives. Thus, the phone calls home!
My advice is to continue encouraging him to stay active, join clubs, etc. This helped our son tremendously. Our son did not want us flying down to visit him but your son may be ok with it. Also, our son blocked her social media feed (he did not “unfriend” her) so he didn’t have to see the constant flow of pictures which is a horrible reality for this generation.
As cliche as it sounds, time does heal all wounds and he will recover. You asked - How long does it take? Our son was starting to recover by the semester break and by February of the next semester he was much better. Of course, some heal faster and some take longer. On a happy note – fall of his sophomore year he met someone else and has been with her for 3 1/2 years now!
Wishing your son the best and hugs to both of you!
Same thing happened to my D, 3 weeks in. It’s tough to have this happen at the same time they are adjusting to college life. I would love to tell her she’ll be better off in the long run, and really dodged a bullet, but it may be too soon for that 
I remember it taking months. In fact I don’t think I was truly cured until I met a new someone I liked even better. Luckily for me I put my misery into doing really well in my classes. My parents were overseas at the time - my Mom wrote me a nice letter saying even though it’s trite it’s true, “Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” Hugs to your son.
What are the counseling opportunities off campus? Would your insurance cover it if he saw someone in the local community?
Does he have a fall break next month? Could you go out or fly him home. For me, having an event to look forward to helps.
What is his sport? Can he run, swim or join a tennis club on campus? Sometime staying active when depressed is the hardest thing to do and the lack of physical activity from the body’s inclination to mope when sad can create a devastating spiral. Even just having him chat with you while taking a brisk walk across campus can elevate the chemistry in his body and help him tremendously.
Counseling center is good idea - students don’t need long term issues to go see a counselor, they are there for “one time” events as well. Counselor at D’s college talks to freshman and said breakups were top of list of issues they see and that boys seemed to need help more, maybe cause don’t have the same support group as girls (generally).
Sad for your son, and for the helpless feeling you’re dealing with yourself.
I might be tempted to send a Hallmark card every day for a month or so. One of my nephews went through this his freshman year, and he was devastated. My SIL felt helpless, but it was his father who helped snap him out of it via lots of distraction and a large dose of humor. B told us during the holidays that all it took was just talking to him about stupid, foolish, completely unrealistic revenge plans that would shock his mother…
Good for him for looking into counseling. I agree with @dwhite that he should look into some social activities. When D went through a break up, I would send her uplifting quotes via text or social media. I have a whole board of quotes on Pinterest for every occasion. 
When S experienced a break up in college, we had a heart to heart conversation but he avoided talking about it again after that. Our conversations focused on moving forward in school vacation, etc. I think it was helpful to help him look towards the future.
It takes roughly one week for each month of the relationship. Something like that.
A family friend gave me this timeline after my first break up when I was in college. It proved to be accurate whenever a signicant relationship ended. It certainly doesn’t ease the pain, but at least shines a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. The first month can be brutal.
By XMas vacation, he will feel dramatically better.
It is very hard. My student’s high school boyfriend (boarding high school) broke up with her right before Spring Finals. The best thing is to increase the frequency of your calls and texts. Encourage him to call you whenever he needs to hear a friendly voice. Tell him to allow himself to think about it for a half hour only per day (pick a time), then he needs to put it out of his mind. Tell him to tell himself before bed, that his body needs rest, and to push it out of his mind. Let him know you understand how it hurts, but to try to focus on his work, it is something at least he has some control over. It’s never easy.
This is very common. I needed to suddenly leave home one day instead of having dinner to travel to my oldest’s university to just be there for her when the same thing happened (I called to get a hotel when on the way), and I suspect that there are lot of parents who have done exactly the same thing. Being more than a thousand miles away would seem to make this tougher.
When a kid goes off to college a LOT in their life all changes at once. Very often (probably more often than not) if they have a girlfriend or boyfriend this won’t survive the first semester at university.
Taking more than a week to recover is quite normal. Pretty soon he should at least notice that otherwise life goes on. Hopefully he will keep up on classes or at least soon get terrified enough to put in a heroic effort to catch up.
This may be common – doesn’t mean it’s not very painful for the kiddo – AND his mom. No advice, just a virtual hug for you, OP. When kids are unhappy, it may be even harder on the parents.
My younger one has gone through many relationships and each one was hard at the end. She usually cried her heart out and then moved on. I tried to just listen when she wanted to talk, but not to bring it up when she didn’t want to. I tried not to make too big of a deal out of it. I also tried not to bad mouth the ex just in case if they should get back together.
This is all part of growing up. I think most of our kids are strong enough that can make it through without a lot of intervention.
So sad…but this will be very good for him in the long run that this happened early inthe year…he won’t have sacrificed his social life. My DD got dumped June of freshman year and regretted the time she spent visiting him on the weekends.
This is why my son chose to break up with his gf of 3 years a few weeks before he left for college. She still came over and they talked up until he left. I know she is still hurting. He was going to be 12 hours away and after college will go to vet school (hopefully) so really didn’t feel like he wanted to try a long-distance relationship. He has moved on fine and has a new gf already! She still like him but is leaving him alone. I know it is hurting her though through her mom. At least she had some time at home to adjust.
He will be ok but it will take time.
Hugs, this is hard. And if my son is any indication, they don’t discuss these things with friends.
I’ve had those phone calls. When the kid is far away and hurting. Not fun.
As an aside my D is supporting friends who’ve been dumped recently. Every single person thinks her situation is different and how could she feel so bad? As I told daughter being dumped makes you appreciate the next relationship when it’s good. But it takes awhile and you think you are alone. It’s not fun on your self esteem. Stinks.