My college grad moved away today

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have to admit this is kind of a doozy for a first post. </p>

<p>I’m feeling really blue (BIG understatement) right now, and thought the parents here would understand.</p>

<p>My son graduated from Boston University last week. Today he packed up his car and started the drive to his rented apartment in Los Angeles (we live in New Jersey). I knew this day was coming for a looonnnnngggg time. He spent his last semester doing an internship in LA and it confirmed to him that he wanted to make his life out there. He will have 2 roommates (who were in the internship program with him). </p>

<p>I am having a horrible time letting go. I"ve been crying on and off since graduation. I feel like I’m in mourning. As I’m typing this I am literally shaking. He’s 21 and has a good head on his shoulders. He has motivation and is hard-working. He is a great kid and deserves the world. </p>

<p>I"m worried for him, happy for him, and stressed out for him all at the same time. Not to mention how miserable I feel in about a thousand different ways. I haven’t ventured upstairs to his room yet…but that will be a killer for me. </p>

<p>I know time heals…but until then what do I do???</p>

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<p>First, give yourself a huge pat on the back for having raised such a fine, secure, goal oriented child - that is the ultimate success of parenting. Next, explore the true reasons why you are mourning - is there a void in your life that your child filled? If so, find a way to fill it - this is not as difficult as it seems - a new adventure, job, hobby, school for yourself, travel, knit, exercise - something former that used to give you pleasure - do it more…something new that you have never encountered - try it. Then, plan your first visit to LA (plan it with your son) - will you stay with him, or at a hotel nearby - how long - when? Finally, embrace this time as one of a renewal for you…redefine yourself, make your own goals - maybe go back to school yourself - ? The possibilities are endless. Most of all, be proud of the child you have raised and are now giving him the wings to fly.</p>

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<p>

Whatever works. I’ve had a couple times of intense mourning. The first was when a baby we’d fostered for 6 months (from birth) left for her adoptive family. The second was when my dad died. (My kids leaving was not one of those times. I was sad - but not in the same way.) During those times, there were occasions when all I could do was lie diagonal on the bed and sob. (Always diagonal - why???) Other times, I look at photos, I put a puzzle together, I go for a walk, I volunteer for something… What I do know is that I can’t plan what to do - and not everything works every time.</p>

<p>Time heals, in the sense that the moments of desolation become fewer. But they still come, and at odd moments. I’m driving down the street and see someone who looks like my dad, and I’m suddenly crying. With “my” baby, Sami, I couldn’t look at photos for a long time. Then I went through a period when I hung them on the wall. Now I don’t, and only daydream about her now and then. (She’d be 17 now.)</p>

<p>When my kids leave, I’m am sad for awhile. But I am so delighted to see them happy and productive and independent, that it softens the edges. My H has gotten into the habit of buying me something little (or rather, taking me shopping to buy something myself) after each sad good-bye. I’m not much of a shopper, but find that the act of buying myself a “consolation prize” helps both me and H. My kids know that this piece of funiture commemorates S1’s leave for college, that pair of violin earrings is in honor of D, etc. My kids are also good about stepping up the contact immediately following a departure.</p>

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<p>Thank you for your kind words, advice, and personal experiences. I appreciated your replies. I am going to try and follow what you spoke of: staying busy, be involved in something new, and plainly just expect to feel lousy for awhile…especially when I may least expect it.</p>

<p>For the moment, I will just cross my fingers and hope he gets to his destination safely, and has fun along the way.</p>

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<p>I understand how you feel. My older son graduated in 2005–and had to move home because he couldn’t find the job he wanted. He was home for a year, mostly moping around and miserable, making the rest of us miserable. Then he got a job offer in Japan. It was everything he wanted at the time–a chance to travel to the country he loves, to use his Japanese major, to have adventures. He has been gone almost two years now and loves his life there. I miss him, especially since we only see him about once a year. However, he is happy now, whereas he was definitely NOT happy that year at home.</p>

<p>You have raised a wonderful son. And now you are grieving over the end of this era of your life. It is a natural thing, although it hits some harder than others. Try to think of it as a beginning, not just an end. As others have said, it may be time to do something new. Is there something you have always wanted to do–write a book, take up painting, become active in some area of interest? Or some volunteer work you could do? I joined Big Brothers Big Sisters after my second–and last–son went away to college. I am now mentoring a ten year old girl (8 when we started) and becoming an important person in her life. There are so many places that cry out for volunteer help. </p>

<p>It will get better. In the meantime, keeping busy seems to be the thing that helps the most, at least for me. And occasionally putting on some music that reminds me of my son and allowing myself to cry for a bit. Then getting busy again…</p>

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<p>Los Angeles, hm? </p>

<p>Empty nester here, with time to kill so, would you like to make a movie together? Soft and hazy edges, you love him, he loves you and always will. The details don’t matter because the essential feelings are in place.</p>

<p>Focus in on expedia.com. Look at the big range of plane fares. Discover how, with some planning and saving, you can afford to visit him in his new location. Once you see him in his own environment, you’ll definitely feel closer to him in your heart. After you’ve visited him once, whenever he describes a day or tiny piece of an experience to you, you’ll have a shared imagination and enjoy his story so much more. </p>

<p>Perhaps he’ll reach out by email, cell, or Skype, on occasions much rarer than you might wish…but the sharing will be wonderful after all. He’s your son, after all. (ramp up the violins).</p>

<p>Now you look at your savings account and realize that he doesn’t need a cheesy Christmas present. He’s big. But if you send him a plane ticket home, he’ll show. Don’t ask him any more what he wants for his birthday or Christmas. From now on, he wants you to send him a round-trip plane ticket home. (Well, that’s my style, anyway.) If he’s on a tight enough budget, he’ll soon realize that it’s worth it to travel home and eat for a week off of your money than spend his own salary for groceries.</p>

<p>Fuzzy up the screen, change to black-and-white. Unless you are Native American or were forced over to America in slavery, somewhere back in your history there are ancestors who decided to make a huge journey. Were they from Ireland, France, Poland, China, India, Argentina…? Wherever they were, ONE of them decided their life would be better from a new, distant location.
When they said goodbye, they were never seen again by the parents (unlike today). Thank goodness for their courage, sense of adventure, and ridiculous
abandonment of the known pathway. He’s just repeating history now.</p>

<p>OK, back to color photography. (An optional scene, but one that just happened to us recently.) You’ve gone through some years of missing his solo presence and doing the best you can. You belong to new organizations, have taken up pottery, made new friends, and so forth. You’ll have adjusted. </p>

<p>Suddenly, the phone rings and he’ll tell you he’s engaged to be married, or has found his life partner and is ready to commit. After a decade of losing and diminishing, you discover that your family can actually expand again! It’s like an accordian, and you’re on the upswing. Thank goodness he followed his dreams and his muse, so was happy enough to meet someone who found him happily attractive, doing his life’s journey. </p>

<p>Well, that’s my movie proposal. Yours will look different, and you’re welcome to edit. </p>

<p>Seriously, it’s going to feel like a free-fall for awhile, but I’m writing to give you some of the post-adjustment calm that awaits you in the future.</p>

<p>PS, Has anyone suggested to you that “at least he moved to a warm place; someday you can retire there”? I get that all the time.</p>

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<p>I can sympathize…just this morning it hit me–the college grad is moving away for good!</p>

<p>But later I remembered he’ll be in a city that we would love to have an excuse to visit more often, so now we do. :)</p>

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<p>I am here with you as well!</p>

<p>My d just left on Saturday after her one week home for the entire summer. She attends school in NYC and is back there for an internship, work and some fun for her (maybe) last summer in NYC. </p>

<p>She will graduate next year and plans to attend grad school for her phd. Her brothers, her dad, and (I think most profoundly) I am REALLY hoping she gets into and decides to attend Emory, which would be a great choice for her for many reasons. As of now, she states it would be her top choice, but who knows what will happen? I am just very afraid that I might say too much about how much I would love for her to go there (she would be SOOO close!!), or that I will get very pouty if she decides to attend elsewhere. </p>

<p>Well, what happens happens and it will be for the best, I am sure. I do spend way too much time daydreaming about what it would be like to be helping her set up her own place just a half hour away as opposed to 14 or 15 hours.</p>

<p>I do hope you are feeling better, though! Hang in there!!!</p>

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<p>I can’t think that far ahead–have a JR college student this fall (only child). I only think about 3 months ahead right now. BUT, I know that deep-down it’s coming. Hang in there!</p>

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<p>lesliehr: You were right when you said that time heals. But you said that now you feel like you are in mourning, and that is because you ARE in mourning! And rightly so, since you are experiencing a loss. It is not a permanent loss, since you will see him again and you can talk to him on the phone. But it is a loss, nonetheless.</p>

<p>For me it is better if I just let myself go in grief, and really experience the depth of it without trying to make myself stop. I don’t want to compound a negative feeling by feeling guilty about it. I don’t fear that I will never stop grieving – it lessens in time. Without trying to fight it, I get through it a bit quicker.</p>

<p>My thoughts are with you as you go through this sad time. I hope you will soon feel like pursuing your normal fulfilling activities. By the way, I would also be nervous about my child (of any age) driving across the country. May he arrive there safely.</p>

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<p>I think that your S leaving was just more than a move. He is leaving for a New Home. Which is something we are aware and my W is very much afraid of, much like you. We have some hope that he will be within 250 miles of us on his next move. In the meantime he is homesick. He is tired of traveling and sleeping in different beds.</p>

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<p>OP here…
I’m so glad I FINALLY posted here on College Confidential. I’ve been reading and lurking for years…even feeling part of the community without ever having contributed. </p>

<p>I want to say THANK YOU !!! You all have literally reached out to me and HUGGED me with your words of support and compassion. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have tears rolling down my face as I type this. Your words have helped me feel better and more able to face the hole I feel in my heart. I know this sounds incredibly over dramatic, but it’s how I feel right now…BUT, I know this is temporary. Thank goodness for email and cell phones. I know my son is merely a phone call away. </p>

<p>My husband and I are hoping to visit my son in July. </p>

<p>He called last night from the road. He was somewhere around Columbus, Ohio and said the first day of his trip went very well. I think I’ll feel MUCH better after he has arrived in Calif. safe and sound. I’ll update.</p>

<p>Again, I can’t thank you all enough.</p>

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<p>leslie: I am so glad that you posted too! Please let us know when he arrives at his destination. The mother hen in me worries about all the traveling chicks out there, even if they are grown up. And you are not being overly dramatic – by definition feelings are not rational – they are feelings. You just have to ride them out. Glad you are feeling a bit better.</p>

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<p>p3t, your posts are always the best! Thank you. lesliehr, I’ll be in the same boat at the end of the summer (fortunately, S’s job starts right after Labor Day) so I’m feeling the imminence of this permanent shift in our family. By the time I go through this, you’ll be a veteran and I’ll be coming to you for guidance. Hang in there.</p>

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<p>OP here…my son arrived in Los Angeles last night after six days of driving cross country. He had a grand time. St. Louis, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City, Albequerque (sp.?) New Mexico, Grand Canyon, Amarillo, Las Vegas. He did really well…but I’m relieved he’s “home” now.</p>

<p>First thing on his agenda? Buying a bed!!<br>
Second? Getting a job!!</p>

<p>You guys are dolls…I’m doing better…thanks for sharing your life experiences with me. You truly helped.</p>

<p>I’ll update when he finds a job!! Hopefully that will be soon.</p>

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<p>My S the grad left this morning (with DH) for Chicago. All his belongings–clothes, guitar, keyboard–fit in our Ford Taurus! (Well, except for the books which will stay with us until whenever. That’s when we will know he’s REALLY gone.)</p>

<p>He has a job but has to buy a bed. :slight_smile: Probably an air mattress until he knows if the summer rental can be all year. Also a vacuum cleaner. And a chest to put his clothes in and a desk for his laptop. Thank goodness for the job. :D</p>

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<p>You have company here. My D went to college 350 miles away from home and moved 3000 miles away when she graduated from college.
My S went to college 3000 miles away and stayed in east coast 3 more years afterwards because of his job.
It is hard because they are so far away, but you should be happy that you’ve done a good job in raising him and he has the tools to start a new phase in his life. Sit back, enjoy and cheer him on his future endeavors.</p>

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<p>So lesliehr, how’s S doing? And how’s his mom? Are you getting used to your new life? How about some advice for a mom who will be going through this in August?</p>

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<p>Hello everyone and worrywart:</p>

<p>Wish I had better news to report…but my son is still jobless. Although it’s been about 7 weeks since his arrival in L.A., we are all really antsy regarding his situation. We always knew he’d have to supplement his income (because of the high-cost of living in Calif), but so far his “job” has been sending out resume’s and going on a few interviews.</p>

<p>On another sad note, our original plan of flying out there for a visit this month is not happening. Airfare was ranging about $500 per ticket. Too much for our meager wallet to handle. On the bright side, since my son is not working…we will probably fly him home for a long weekend, which is a lot cheaper then us flying out to see him.</p>

<p>We really don’t speak too much on the phone anymore. I used to ply him with ten million questions…and our conversations started to get strained. I figure when he has news, he’ll let me know. My daughter speaks with him nearly everyday…so she fills me in.</p>

<p>Hopefully I’ll have better news soon.
Thanks everyone.</p>

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<p>I’m convinced that if we only had one child and they moved my wife would want to pick up and follow. It’s our biggest fear, next to the unmentionables happeing to our kids.</p>