<p>Getting her an Iphone was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made! She is 12 and last year she went to a 3week summer camp. At that time, she wanted an ipod (she had one but it was not working well so she needed a new one) and a cell phone so she could use it to call home. She asked for an iphone because Ipod+cell phone = iphone. I thought it made sense. so she got an iphone. The whole summer she was fine. the camp (with CTY) had strict rule about cell phone use. she obeyed without problem. </p>
<p>For the most part, she is a good kid. At least she does well in her school work and that’s her own efforts. But lately she gets addicted to the phone - even though she denies it. my h. and I found that she used the phone TOO much. When we visit our friends, we have to warn her not look at her phone when people talk to her. She promised not to. but she did. It happens often, in different settings, when she really shouldn’t use the phone… I’m so frustrated!! I hate myself to getting her that phone. </p>
<p>She is about to turn to 13, demanding her own space and privacy. She doesn’t like parents to tell her this and that. I don’t want to make her mad. But we feel something needs to be done. What can be done? Any suggestions? I know it’s all my fault. but is there anything I can do to avoid bad conflict and still put some control over her use of the phone to at least partially correct my wrongdoing?</p>
<p>I agree - unless special situation, a 12 yr old doesnt need a smart phone.
At the camps my kids have worked at- ipods are not allowed because they interfere with your ability to enjoy camp/make friends, I agree with that also.</p>
<p>“She is about to turn to 13, demanding her own space and privacy. She doesn’t like parents to tell her this and that. I don’t want to make her mad.”</p>
<p>You’re the parent. Set expectations and limits and follow through with a set of consequences when they’re broken (each and every time). If you continue to choose to let her do as she pleases at 12, what do you think it’s going to be like during the tough teenage years?</p>
<p>Getting her the iphone wasn’t your biggest mistake. Being fearful of getting her mad is your biggest mistake. Stop worrying about making her mad for crying out loud. If you don’t want her to have the phone, take it away.</p>
<p>This is a poor habit for her to start and you’d be well advised to take the phone away until she is more mature. Let her have it only when she needs it to call you. She’s flexing her teenage muscles early, and if you don’t let her understand that you control the phone, i.e., you pay the bill and can cancel at any time, then you’ll have much bigger problems than phone usage on your hands in a few years.</p>
When you visit your friends, have her phone in your pocket, or at home. When you’re in those “different settings,” have her phone in your pocket or at home. Problem solved.</p>
<p>When she’s studying, remove the phone from her reach. When she goes to bed, keep her phone with you.</p>
<p>If she gets mad, tell her, “You either use it as appropriate, and not when it’s inappropriate, or we’re cancelling your service altogether. Your choice.”</p>
<p>She’s 12 going on 13. She’s pushing your buttons and testing her limits. If you can’t stick to your resolve now, get ready for a bumpy 6 years coming up. It’s just like when she was 2. If she knows you mean what you say, she’ll come to understand where her limits are. If she thinks a tantrum can change your mind, she’ll keep throwing tantrums.</p>
<p>She’s 12 going on 13. She’s pushing your buttons and testing her limits. If you can’t stick to your resolve now, get ready for a bumpy 6 years coming up. It’s just like when she was 2. If she knows you mean what you say, she’ll come to understand where her limits are. If she thinks a tantrum can change your mind, she’ll keep throwing tantrums.</p>
<p>Agree- I have changed my mind in parenting, but I always try and make the change ASAP, admit I made a bad decision, and change it.
Now she seems to have lived with this bad decision for a year, but while it will be harder to lay down appropriate rules now, it won’t be impossible & I agree that it is better to do it now, than try and later. Kids need rules to slam up against, & while they love high tech toys, they don’t need them.</p>
<p>You’re the parent. She’s 12. Take away the iPhone. End of story.</p>
<p>You don’t want her to be mad at you??? She’s 12. She’s going to be mad at you. More than once. If not, you’re not doing your job.</p>
<p>Do your job. </p>
<p>Sorry to be harsh. But being a parent does not involve basing decisions on whether they will make your child mad. That is a recipe for disaster.</p>
<p>Actually, if you don’t take control now, you will likely have a very bumpy time for the rest of your lives! YOU are the parent and a 12/13 year old is not–you need to step up & make & ENFORCE rules or take the phone away entirely.</p>
<p>I will say that in many cases 12/13 is the worst of it. It is hard for everyone, they have social, emotional & academic pressures that have intensified along with all the hormonal stuff to boot. As older teens the other things may keep getting more challenging, but the hormonal stuff should eventually smooth out.</p>
<p>If you can give them the knowledge that their parent will be their parent- which doesn’t include being their friend- at least not at 12 ;), then the subsequent years may be easier.</p>
<p>Gosh thank you all for the comments. also talked to some of my friends, I do need to be tough. I feel much better already listening to you all. I’ll get back to you after several days - they’re not going to be pleasant days, but you’re right, better now than latter.</p>
<p>I completely agree with musicamusica and others in that I knew that I was doing a good job when my kids got mad at me for holding firm with rules that I knew were best for them.</p>
<p>I don’t really understand the need to get all harsh and draconian by taking away the iPhone altogether. Maybe my reaction is colored by the fact that I love my iPod touch, and it is never far from me! But really, why not have a serious talk with her, clarify the boundaries, and then enforce those boundaries, along the lines suggested in Chedva’s post? Why the sudden need to swoop down and swipe the iPhone from her hands, never to let her have access again?</p>
<p>It’s a lot easier to control a feature phone and the cost makes loss or damage much easier to swallow. I’ve been at the Genius Bar several times where a parent came in with their child claiming that the iPhone was defective. The Genius just did a test, told them that it was water damage that wasn’t covered by warranty and gave them their options to pay for replacement. Basically the child and most likely the parent knew that the child damaged the phone but were trying to get a free replacement.</p>
<p>Last time I looked, cellphones weren’t a human right, and werent’ guaranteed by the Geneva Conventions, and failure to provide one at all times isn’t considered child abuse - yet. They are excellent tools for communicating with the world, and like all such tools, it can help to teach their appropriate use.</p>
<p>Most 12 year olds are not capable of the self-control needed when it comes to smart phones. You are setting her up for failure.</p>
<p>My D is 15 and I have set the parental controls (via AT&T) to turn off access to the internet and texting at 9pm. She can only receive and make phone calls to me. Was she initially annoyed? Yep, but that is my job.</p>
<p>I agree with all the others that this will be just the beginning if you are worried about making her mad. Kids crave boundaries, set them.</p>
<p>I agree with Chedva’s plan in post #6 - of setting guidelines with the phone rather than just taking it away.</p>
<p>My daughter’s friend had phone issues - even into hs. Her parents ‘solved it’ by taking away her phone.</p>
<p>The friend didn’t suffer much. At home she used her mom or dad’s phone, and outside the house she used my daughter’s phone.</p>
<p>Which meant that the mom was texting my daughter at least 5 times a day to give messages to her daughter (ie, my daughter’s friend). And the friend was using my daughter’s phone - to text people outside in and out of our network. And the friend’s friends were all texting my daughter to get a hold of the other girl!!!</p>
<p>It was a huge mess. </p>
<p>Ultimately, I think my daughter confronted the mom and said that altho she was trying to punish her daughter, she (my daughter) was getting a raw deal as well.</p>