<p>I heard that drugs and sex happen for teens between 3pm and 6pm. Always thought that was a great time to have them involved in sports, clubs or supervised at home.</p>
<p>The nearby AA and NA meetings will be the place to start because there will be other teens at these meetings. Has your daughter mentioned anything about the the difficulty of returning to her “old” environment once she is straight? There are many really good drug rehabs that will encourage young drug abusers to move out of the environment during the initial period of one to two years. The thinking behind this is that it could be very hard to be around the old friends and users while trying to remain clean. You might want to talk to her rehab councelor about their opinion of her coming home.</p>
<p>As far as judgement goes…there is only one person who can judge you, and the way you are handling this situation by standing by your daughter and seeing to it that she is getting what she needs is all that you could do. I would recommend parent support meetings as they were a life saver for my parents and for my husband and myself.
I would not recommend your daughter coming home to an empty house after she gets out of rehab. That initial period is still too iffy. If you and your husband could take turns adjusting your work schedule than that would be ideal. Do either of you still have parents that are young enough to live with you on a temporary basis. Are there aunts or uncles that are available? This is the time to tell your family that you need them and be sure to tell them why. I think when a young abuser is made aware that many people are pulling for them they have a better chance of remaining clean.</p>
<pre><code> Your daughter and family will be in my prayers.
</code></pre>
<p>Could your DD start on the winter track or spring track team? At our school they practise every day till 5 PM then take the late bus home. If she has an active place to go that is positive, maybe that could help. You could ask the coach to let you know if she doesn’t show up at practise. Otherwise, I would work with her current treatment facility to ask what support is available in your area. They should know what programs are available for teens. Best wishes to your family as you navigate through this trying time.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the encouragement and advice.
As for sports, DH & I intend to require some form of participation. D would not want to run track in part because her older sister did. I have been wondering if part of the reason D2’s confidence level was low enough that she started using is because her sister was an academic superstar and athlete and I know D heard comments and comparisons from teachers and other students. Since sports will be limited at this point in the school year, and frankly D couldn’t make a team not having been physically active at all for the past year, I’m thinking we join a gym that offers a range of fitness classes. I really like the idea of one of those martial arts/self defense classes because I think it would be a confidence booster.
We live in a big city, so we should be able to find options. I’ve just been surprised that when I ask for suggestions at the treatment hospital they haven’t really had any. I do know that when the time for discharge comes they will have a list of recommendations, and I hope this will include support group info.
Finally got more than two hours sleep last night!</p>
<p>I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>The after school activities are a great idea but she will really need to attend meetings. The problem with these short term programs are that they help you to clean up but they don’t last long enough to work on changing the behavior of the kid. That is why I said that initial period home is especially iffy. The busier her schedule (without being to demanding) the better she will be. The gym is a good idea but you will still not know if she is really there.</p>
<p>It is not your fault. But now is the time to become the dreaded helicopter parent. She cannot come home to an empty house or not have anything specific to do after school that is not supervised. This is definitely the critical time. Hopefully, your job will continue to give you the time you need to help your daughter now. If not, you may have to make other changes. She needs you now.</p>
<p>I love the idea of the gym - however, is this something you and she could do together? It could be a great bonding time for the two of you, both on the commute back and forth and at the gym itself. Hopefully she might start opening up about a lot of things.Then when your older D is home, maybe they could go together. But if your younger D is resentful at all of the older D, maybe that would not work as well. Maybe she just needs the dedicated time with you. I would not send her off alone to the gym. You also need to find a way to fill her evenings. Family nights with movies or games? Civic organizations? Girls’ night out with you and the older D when she gets home? Volunteering at a local food pantry, animal shelter, hospital, nursing home?</p>
<p>We have had issues in our extended families. It takes a team effort and a lot of support. She is lucky to have such a loving, supportive family.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear about your daughter’s struggles. I’m glad she was able to ask for help and that she is has a strong support system and a family that loves her. Good-luck. My thoughts are with you and your family.</p>
<p>I think that you should MAKE her join the track team, if that is all that is available, whether she likes it or not. Track tends to be a sport where people of widely divergent abilities participate, from future Olympians to those who can barely finish a race. All are supported by the coaches, the team, and the crowd. The kids tend to have excellent camaraderie, be very accepting of all types, and be among the athletes LEAST likely to be drinkers and stoners. And the daily training plus companionship and discipline will be good for her, physically and mentally. </p>
<p>The fact that her sister ran track should be irrelevant, no matter how large it may loom in your mind and hers. It is time for her to learn that she is her own person, and that is fine.</p>
<p>I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I believe, from what I am seeing in the community, that drug abuse is the greatest danger facing our society. </p>
<p>I only have one bit of advice/commentary. I have been told, by people who should and do know, that the teen/youth AA and NA meetings are not the best place for teens and young people who are serious about getting clean and staying that way. Not to say that the meetings are not a good thing, because they are a lifeline to the people I know who attend DAILY. Sometimes twice daily. Just not the teen ones.</p>
<p>I strongly disagree with making your D do anything in regard to joining a team. There are huge social issues with hs sports that you may not understand. Some teams may be huge partiers and very cliquish while others may not.
If you force something like a particular sport you may be forcing her in with the exact wrong group and forcing anything sends the message that you have no faith that she can choose better peers and activities.</p>
<p>I disagree with “making” your daughter join a team as well. These teams could be very cliquey which could be a negative thing when self esteem needs to be repaired. The gym with mom sounds like a wonderful way to bond with your daughter while she gets stronger. Family activities should be a great support system for the whole family including the younger sibling who needs to be part of this. Maybe you and the younger kids could all go together…laughter and fun are a good way to remember the important things in life.</p>
<p>Are you in a position to ask for a leave of absence from your job or can you work from home in the evenings to reduce your hours at the office? You need to also consider that siblings are at a greater risk of drug use when they have an older sibling who has/had a drug problem.</p>
<p>I think your idea of a non-HS sport is very good. No point in getting her involved in something new at the competitive, varsity level and having her self-esteem take another hit or worse, having her teased for not being as experienced or fit. Lots of people begin other fitness activities for pure recreation and exercise - golf, tennis, riding (all are offered indoors during winter here), swimming/water sports, volleyball, ice skating, etc. all are likely to have clubs/leagues she can join, and generally offer afternoon hours, watchful adult supervision, and access to lessons/coaching. She can even compete with others at her skill level if she chooses and many offer opportunities to volunteer during the sessions for younger kids. Meanwhile, there will be a whole new group of people to meet and interact with and it will not put her in the awkward position of being the kid on the HS team who’s not as good as her older sister. I’d find out if there’s something she’s always wanted to try and go from there.</p>
<p>I also disagree with forcing your daughter to join a team, and think that her autonomy and free choice should be preserved as much as it is safe to do so. Change really does have to come from within. There is really no way YOU can prevent a relapse. It is up to her. (Not that you can’t set things up to be optimal for her, but you can do this almost subtly.)</p>
<p>What did she used to like to do? Is she musical, or like acting, or a reader, or anything like that?</p>
<p>I agree that teen meetings can be a problem, though not all. Al Anon or a parents’ group would be good idea for you, or perhaps a therapist of your own to help you through.</p>
<p>Does your daughter have a therapist to talk with once she is home? I might have missed that.</p>
<p>Where did she get the money to pay for cocaine? With whom did she do it, do you know? At her age, it really is hard to stay “clean,” and even harder to stay away from alcohol or pot. Does she have friends who are sober and drug-free?</p>
<p>I would definitely try to be home after school, no matter what it takes.</p>
<p>I think asking the older sister to “babysit” would be a big, big mistake. It would worsen the issues between them (with the older one, who is already the “good” one, having responsibility and authority over the younger one) and the older one deserves her own freedom when home. A recipe for resentment in both directions.</p>
<p>A lot of parents out here are dealing with a variety of issues, whether medical or psychiatric issues, drugs or alcohol, or some unhappy kids. No need to blame yourself. Just one foot in front of the other, and don’t look back…</p>
<p>Cocaine is a big problem for some at the most selective colleges. I know two boys who have dropped out for treatment recently. The road is rocky at this age, but many end up thriving.</p>
<p>Someone in my family of origin had a big cocaine habit in his early twenties and is now a major corporate executive in a creative field. It happens all the time.</p>
<p>earswideopen:</p>
<p>As someone who has had your experience for the last 15 years, I sympathize with you. Even with wanting to get help, it is very difficult to stay clean for extended periods of time. Make certain that you do not blame yourself for what has happened and also make certain that this doesn’t impact your relationship with your spouse. Is there a family (grandparents etc) predisposition to using drugs or alcohol?</p>
<p>"Make certain that you do not blame yourself for what has happened "
Yes, Do not blame yourself. There are giant international and domestic gangs (and companies) dumping drugs into middle and high schools. They give them free in middle school yard in California. It’s a GIANT problem in America that American people don’t want to deal with it right now. How can a 15 year old girl run away from a giant net all over her head every day, every where, and every moment of her daily school life !!!</p>
<p>and the schools frequently pretend that they don’t have a problem - especially those in affluent areas. In the inner city, the schools admit that drug use is an issue.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all of the responses, but I just wanted to give you a students’ perspective. You did not fail her as a mother. In fact, she asked for help, proving just the opposite. When people are in moments of desperation, they blame their situation on others. High school is a time where students transition from using their parents as an excuse to accepting the responsibility for themselves. It is not a straight trajectory and it is common for young adults to go back to blaming their parents. It is not your fault and you are reacting in the best way a mother can. Good luck!</p>
<p>Thanks again, all. several of you articulated what I feel about the hs teams. freshman & sophomore years we strongly encouraged D to find a sport to pursue, and both years she humored us by saying she was considering lacrosse, or bowling, etc, always missing the deadlines. I don’t see that requiring her to try out and set herself up for failure would be the best thing. I WILL be requiring that she be physically active and we’ll decide together between the gym idea, and possibly taking up running with us. She always nixed that idea in the past, but again she’ll have to pick a healthy physical outlet.
Also, I’m not going to wallow in a deep well of guilt, although I will forever carry a feeling of having failed my kid. I’m just to the point of saying everything that has happened up until now is the PAST, and we have to deal positively with the PRESENT and plan for the FUTURE. I want D to face her past, own it, take responsibility for it, and move on. People will hear about it so there is no hiding. She has to find a way to grow from it and not wear it as a cloak of shame.<br>
As far as friends, D does have a core group of kids she’s know for many years who are ready to be a support for her. D really did live two separate lives, the dark, drugged one was with a whole separate cast of characters. we’re canceling her cell phone, gettg her a brand new number and she will only enter the numbers for the people we know for a fact are good for her. For the foreseeable future we’ll be checking the call logs online. This may sound drastic, but I think it is how it will have to be for now.
Told D’s grandparents & aunt today. Glad to get that over with! Dh is not ready to tell his side of the family, he’s just too emotionally exhausted. Oh, and he is busy painting her room. Today we took everything out, I am washing every item, scrubbing the floor, we’re painting and replacing old worn out furniture. d has been living in what I thought was a typically messy teen room, but I now see it as a symptom of her low confidence and the chaos. At least now we’ll know that every bit of the drug paraphernalia is out and D will have a fresh room in which to make her fresh start.</p>
<p>Running is a bit intense for the non-athlete. Biking can be a fun but challenging family activity. There are significant up-front costs, but it’s a great activity and bike clubs abound throughout the country. Good luck, it sounds like you have a great plan and I don’t think your limitation of the phone is the least bit drastic.</p>