<p>I hope things work out better for you than it has for us. If an addict wants to get it, they will find a way regardless of how protective a parent is.</p>
<p>I should also point out that it is a good idea to go the rehab route while she is still 16. After 18, you won’t be able to force anything or get any information unless the child signs off on it.</p>
<p>Find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. Consider outward bound type programs. My thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>One of the most difficult things to deal with for an addict is being back around their old friends who encourage them to use again. I assume your family counseling may discuss this, but is it in your D’s best interest to go back to her same school? Is SHE interested in making a change as part of making a fresh start on this?</p>
<p>Also, at many schools there are lots of other after school activities besides sports. Things like yearbook, quiz bowl, competitive speech, or other activites she might be able to join. Or maybe she could volunteer somewhere. There are “out of school” sports, too – yoga class, or my D took up fencing last year when she dropped her high school sport (only 2 days a week, though). Although we have pushed our D’s to do something athletic for their health, if this were my kid I would be more concerned about her mental health at this point. It is important for her to find other activities besides drugs that interest her and give her life more meaning… I am not sure I would insist on something athletic at this time, but I would encourage some activity that interests her. You also might be able to get the school to “bend” a deadline for something she wants to join if you tell them why you are doing it. I would leave it up to her to pick something, but I would step in to discuss it with the teacher/supervisor to get her signed up.</p>
<p>Definitely work with her on finding a physical outlet that she can be enthusiastic about. It is not any kind of “outlet” if you hate it and are only doing it because you have to, then it’s a chore and an exhausting one. I think a physical outlet is a good idea but it needs to be something she can get into or I don’t think it will help her mentally. It also wouldn’t be the end of the world if you started with an emotional or creative outlet for now if she isn’t receptive to a physical one. My sister got really into graphic design and is now self-employed as a professional graphic designer at 17 years old. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>As someone that isn’t particularly into sports, I am a big fan of swimming and pilates. Rewarding, and something I can do without embarrassing myself with my lack of athleticism. I joined a women-only gym and it is a really supportive, really fun environment. It’s mostly ladies my moms age and a few my age but they’re a good influence and everybody gets through the workouts together.</p>
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<p>NarAnon, NarAnon, NarAnon. Get your daughter into NA, too, but YOU and your family need to go to NarAnon meetings. You’ll find out how not-alone you are, and you’ll find out how other parents of other addicts–who are regular parents with regular kids, wondering how the heck this could’ve happened to their family–cope with what’s happening.</p>
<p>Please, please go.</p>
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<p>One of the things that makes track good is that normally at most schools there are no tryouts. You just go. There are no cuts. Everyone participates at their level. There is no “failure.” People compete against their own personal bests, and if you improve–as you surely will if you keep going to practice–you have succeeded.</p>
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<p>Yeah, just like you did before? And how well did that work out? I think it needs to be a requirement, and one where YOU do not have to be the enforcer. I can see it now: she says she’ll run with you, or go to the gym with you, and every time you lace on the shoes or get dressed to work out it becomes a battle, with you begging and pleading and threatening to try to get her to go. Not a positive scene, IMHO. </p>
<p>On the other hand, if she is at school, with peers, all of whom are getting ready for practice, it ceases to be an issue between you and her. And she is rewarded by being able to spend time with peers. Yes, it would certainly help if it were something that she actually enjoyed or found satisfying to some degree, but given what you have described I would suggest that you say “track unless you find something else.” A regular yoga class would be great, the gym would be great–if it doesn’t become a daily issue of you begging and pleading and threatening to get her there. </p>
<p>Believe me, I am the farthest thing from a jock. I know how beneficial it is to have peer companionship in continuing a healthy exercise program, as opposed to parental nagging.</p>
<p>I have observed our HS’s track team pretty closely, and I have never heard of a kid being taunted because he or she wasn’t as good as an older sibling. And there have been cases where the older kid was a multi-event state record holder. There are families where the younger siblings surpassed the older while still in HS. No taunting.
I have been at track meets where Joan Benoit Samuelson was watching her kid run. Remember her? Winner of the first women’s Olympic marathon in LA? her kid didn’t win, or come close. No one taunted him. </p>
<p>Of course it would help if you knew that the atmosphere was similar to that which I describe. But the key point, to me, is to add peer companionship and take yourself as enforcer out of the equation. There will be ample time for you to play that role.</p>
<p>consolation, point taken, and no I didn’t insist on D joining a team in the past I only encouraged. You will surely understand that the rules have changed now and we’re working on strict rules & guidelines and extreme parenting. I’m not giving lip service to this. I am making plans to save my d’s life and will follow through. also, D’s big sister ran track and everyone on the team except freshmen knew her and this would be awkward at best for D. Please understand that she is particularly fragile right now.</p>
<p>I do like the ideas of both yoga and pilates. As I understand it both these forms of exercise require concentration and control and these characteristics will be key to d’s progress. I also think an all female gym is the way to go. Even less pressure there! I’m also researching stuff like acupuncture for recovering addicts. Heck, I am open to any ideas. </p>
<p>I fully intend to try a nar-anon meeting in my area. I want to check it out before taking D to one. I do have concerns about taking my 16 year old D to a meeting open to all ages and ranges of addicts. I’ve been told that there are attendees who are there under court order who have no interest in cleaning up their lives. I don’t want my kid there if that is the case. Does that sound terrible? Sorry, but my gut feeling is to exercise extreme caution with everything now.</p>
<p>Perhaps it would be instructive for her to see what happens as time goes on to addicts and hear their stories. Many parents think of addiction as something that their teenagers will just grow out of - just a youthful indiscretion.</p>
<p>Yes, I thought about that too - see what can happen, hear the cautionary tales. However, I am a little scared about her meeting addicts not interested in recovering. I worry about her finding new sources, new supply lines once we cut off the originals. I will check it out and see what the atmosphere is like.</p>
<p>Point of clarification… NarAnon is a group for the families of addicts. Narcotics Anonymous, or NA, is for addicts themselves–they’re different groups. I can see why you’d be hesitant to take your daughter to an NA meeting… but NarAnon is not for your daughter. It’s for you. It’s for your husband. It’s for your other children. It is a safe place for you all to figure out how to love someone with the disease of addiction, and how to support the daughter you love rather than enable the addict that she’s confessed to being.</p>
<p>In rehab, your daughter will develop a program for herself. She will be responsible for working her own program to help her stay sober. Honestly, I wish that the addict in my life would go to NA meetings to see those people who have no interest in cleaning up their lives… Hear their tales of prison, courts, disease, abuse, and violence. Hope that it would make her decide to change her life, because if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that an addict only gets sober if THEY WANT to get sober… You can’t make them get sober. What a blessing, that your daughter is seeking help-- maybe seeing the explicit effects of what happens if she gives up on making this life change would help steel her resolve. That isn’t my point, though. Your daughter’s path to sobriety will be laid out by her, her therapists, her physicians, her sponsors, her recovery coaches… YOU need to take care of yourself, though, and learn how to help your daughter. Helping an addict can be exceedingly counterintuitive; NarAnon helps you figure that out.</p>
<p>Please go. You all are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>As far as NA is concerned, my experience is that the only addicts who seem to not be serious about recovery are teenagers. The older addicts aren’t there to waste time and brag about their exploits.</p>
<p>OP, I’ll join the consensus of opinions here that, in this case, forcing your D to join the track team is not the way to go.</p>
<p>I admire the way you are rallying, as a family, to try to help your D. Your and your H’s work on her room, giving her a clean, fresh start (both literally and figuratively) while you also make what I think are really sensible control moves (i.e. The cell phone) speaks volumes about your love and devotion to her.</p>
<p>You will continue to be told what a long hard road back it is, and the likelihood of setbacks. That is a reality.</p>
<p>The other reality, the one I hope you keep equally in mind (and in your heart) is that there ARE success stories…many of them, particularly with addicts of your D’s profile (young, relatively short-lived period of use, desire for help, strong family and friend support system, etc).</p>
<p>You have a battle to fight and so does she, but the odds look very favorable for her compared to many others.</p>
<p>Best wishes to you, your D, and the rest of your family as you face this difficult time. Your D is lucky to have you.</p>
<p>“The other reality, the one I hope you keep equally in mind (and in your heart) is that there ARE success stories…many of them, particularly with addicts of your D’s profile (young, relatively short-lived period of use, desire for help, strong family and friend support system, etc).”</p>
<p>Amen sister.</p>
<p>To earswideopen,</p>
<p>Didn’t have time to read this whole thread, apologies if this is out of place. I’m 22 and a college senior, and last year my roommate was a major drug addict (she was a somewhat random roommate–a friend of a friend of a friend, etc). Pot, pills, crack, coke, heroin (just once she claims), inhalants, excessive alcohol…etc etc. Add depression, suicidal thoughts, and a suicide attempt (that landed her in the ER with yours truly the only one available for support)–well, she was a mess. All of this started for her when she was only thirteen and escalated until last winter, when she was 20.</p>
<p>The story has a happy ending though because she did get treatment and go through a lot of counseling. She’s really begun to put her life back together and has a job and a great boyfriend. She took a leave of absence from my school but plans to return in the fall. We don’t speak much but do touch base with each other on occasion.</p>
<p>The MAJOR difference between my roommates case and your daughter’s is that your daughter sought help from respected adults and has the support of a strong family. While she might be in a really tough place right now, she’s already shown remarkable maturity and a sincere desire to change. I’m glad you’ve realized how challenging it would be for someone to seek help in this instance, and I hope you’re impressed with your daughter that she knew how to get help when her life spun out of control. While you may think you’ve failed as a parent, I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. Obviously your daughter knows that she can trust you to help her through this and had a good enough head on her shoulders to find the resources she needed, things that require remarkable parenting to instill in teenagers. I sincerely wish my roommate had been more like your daughter, and that her family had been more like yours. </p>
<p>Wishing you and your loved ones lots of strength,
Kristin</p>
<p>PS: Don’t feel bad asking big sis to take care of her little sister during her break. It’s what big sisters are for, and a role I’m (I have 3 younger siblings) all too happy to fill. I don’t think you need to phrase it as babysitting though, even if that’s what it really is. Just talk to big sis about it. I think you’ll be pleased to see how quickly your older daughter will step up!</p>
<p>PPS: LOVE IT that you redid her room for her. A fresh start makes a huge difference and having a cool place to call your own is definitely a step in the right direction. My mom and sister redecorated my room while I was away at college, and the new one is much more sophisticated and clean that my high school room. It makes me feel like a young adult rather than a bratty teenager trying to hang onto my past.</p>
<p>When you attend a NarAnon meeting, they can counsel you about the pros and cons of your daughter attending NA.</p>
<p>Years ago, I had a friend who was in AA. Many of their meetings were open meetings that anyone could attend, and my friend asked me to attend some meetings with him. I discovered that you didn’t have to say whether or not you were an alcoholic. You didn’t have to say anything at all. You could just listen.</p>
<p>There may have occasionally been an individual at those meetings who was shaky…even drunk. But the majority of members were very strong individuals who were greatly invested in helping (and protecting) new attendees. </p>
<p>It is hard to imagine that 12-step meetings could be undesirable because of certain members, but you’ll have to investigate for yourself.</p>
<p>So she was using pot for a year and you were ok with it. How were you rationalizing that? You think you are leaving the past in the past, and want HER to face her past and “own it” whatever that means, but this didn’t happen in a vacuum. You and H should be going into therapy and “owning” your role in this.</p>
<p>Where did you see that the OP was tolerating a pot habit in her D? I didn’t get that impression at all.</p>
<p>Does she have a sponsor yet? Perhaps the sponsor can get her to adfternoon meetings after school. Good luck!</p>
<p>Xaniamom…Did I miss something on this thread or was that on another thread posted by the OP?</p>