<p>Well, if it is a good rehab center, they should offer after school sessions. We have kids picked up via bus and they straight to the center. This generally lasts for months. Maybe they just haven’t talked to you yet about post-discharge plans. I would also get the GC at your D’s HS onboard ASAP. This is not the first time they have seen kids like yours.
Good luck.</p>
<p>I’m going to meet with my boss this week to discuss options. I’m feeling better about finding a workable solution, and I’m looking into a volunteer opportunity for D with someone I trust completely.
And in response to post #57, no, we didn’t know about any of the drug use until last Monday when D came forward. We would not have been okay with pot use.</p>
<p>Why don’t you leave the room after you’ve done the basic repairs and make decorating it a project for the two of you or for the family. Even let her pick a new paint color if she doesn’t care for the one you chose. Go shopping with her for new linens. If you’re crafty, work on window treatments, collages, scrapbooks, artwork…</p>
<p>Let her make a fresh start in her room as well and “own” it.</p>
<p>^When parents “redecorate” the former drug users room they are often going through it with a fine tooth comb to find the hidden drugs. My parents found drugs hidden in the walls where his phone hung. They also found it hidden inside the closet over the frame. Every inch of the room needs to get combed because they will hide things just in case things get too hard for them. The redecorate that the mom is speaking about may be what I am referring to.</p>
<p>Be glad your daughter has asked for help, but don’t blame yourself for not catching it. It is easy to dismiss signs that in hindsight are very revealing, but when faced with them for the first time aren’t. Your mind has to be geared to pick up on them and without extensive training and/or prior experience, these signs can easily be overlooked. I realize that there are some who always suspect the worst and sometimes they are correct and sometimes they overreact. For most of us I tend to believe we look for the good and will dismiss signs of drug use as something else until we can’t anymore. Good or bad, I just think it is sometimes hard to always expect the worst.</p>
<p>Don’t blame yourself, just learn and help your daughter overcome her demons.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear about your daughter. I really hope, for everyones sake, that she cleans herself up and stays that way. Give her support and she has to earn your trust. I have an ex-step-cousin who has had major drug issues over the years. She was about your daughters age when she started. They found out at school, she didn’t just up and come clean about it (which is good news about your daughter). I hate to say it, but check the whole house. I remember they found needles that she had hidden under my little cousins bed, who was probably about 10 or so at the time. She’s been in and out of rehab over the past 10-15 years… cleans herself up then a few months later falls back into it again. She had a baby about 2 years ago, we were all hoping that would straighten her up… She was doing so good while pregnant… stopped smoking, went to all her appointments (didn’t have a drivers license due to previous drug related incidents so family members gave her rides), got a job and her own apartment… everything seemed so good till she tested positive for cocaine while giving birth. It wasn’t in the baby and apparently was just a one time thing, but needless to say social services took the baby from her. She went to rehab, again, and after a few months was given the baby back. Almost a year later they came and took her baby again, and after a few months she got her back again. As far as I know she still has her this time around. I just hope she stays cleaned up because if she wants to keep the baby she needs to put her best foot forward. She’s a few years older then myself, I think maybe 31 or 32. Last time I saw her I thought she looked a lot older then she actually was. I don’t see her much or even hear much about her as my aunt who was married to her father (which would make her a step daughter to my aunt) has since divorced the guy. She doesn’t talk much to my aunt anymore and subsequently doesn’t really talk to the rest of our family either… however when social services took her baby they placed her with the same little cousin (who is now all grown up) that I mentioned earlier where she used to stash things under his bed. He and his wife at the time had a little boy and just a few months ago they had a baby. The second time around they tried to adopt the little girl permanently but failed and wound up returning her. I don’t know what will happen if they wind up with her again. 3 little kids under the age of 4 would be pretty hard. I think she was happy knowing that her baby was going to her ex-step-brother rather then to some stranger.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. She sounds like such a great kid, and your concern for her comes through loud and clear. You are a good mom.
Can you ask her how she could fill those hours? Would she work with you to figure out a plan? Because I’m thinking she’ll stick to it better if she’s part of the solution. Which also makes me think that therapy that gets to the heart of WHY she uses drugs will help dismantle their hold on her. Is it to relax? Then maybe she can figure out how to take her schedule down a notch.<br>
And maybe she needs to hear what you think she already knows – that you love her unconditionally, no matter how she does in school or where she gets into college or how she does on her SATs, etc. It sounds like she needs to turn down the pressure, and if she’s like many kids, the pressure she puts on herself is far greater than any pressure she feels from you.
Good luck. Keep us posted.</p>
<p>When my friends D came home they had a contract that they had written together with the staff of the rehab center. From what the Mom shared it was very specific and it took the pressure off the parents to be able to refer to the contract. It covered school, curfew, computer and cell phone use, eventual terms for getting a drivers license, meeting attendance. Not sure how long the contract went for. I know they also had scheduled phone appointments for the first few months with her treatment center.</p>
<p>Clearly your daughter is from a loving and emotionally accessible and supportive family.</p>
<p>What about recruiting a college student (do you have a university or junior college nearby?) to hang with your daughter during the hours of being alone, when she is most vulnerable. We are fortunate to live in a university town where we have found amazing (and now long-term “family members”) sitters for our children, over the years. And, to be sure, you can glean the mettle of whomever you hire (get recs, spend time with the person)–just keep checking in. And you also now know what to look for, in your daughter, re: symptomology when your daughter is using.</p>
<p>I cannot tell you how many parents think that pot is okay and offer the defense that pot is not a gateway drug. My daughter went to a very privileged, private high school in one of the wealthiest counties in the U.S. with the highest rates of alcoholism, West of the Mississippi. Those parents, too, are inclined to drink with their kids, refusing to think of alcohol as a drug or consider the science relating to alcohol use, pre-age 25 on the developing neurology of a teen.</p>
<p>You are doing all the right things. Hang in there! And, maybe, get yourself some counseling so as not to lacerate yourself about what you did or didn’t do, did or didn’t notice. We all love our children, dearly, and our intentions are honorable. Please let us know how she is doing. And, also, safeguard not only your physical health, in the face of all of this, but also the emotional health of your marriage.</p>
<p>There are many good suggestions here. However a child need not be left alone to use drugs. They can easily use them in school. Drugs are sold in school cafeterias and distributed during class between students. My kid sold them all the time to finance his habits. Most teachers and school administrators are totally clueless of how it is done.</p>
<p>
Ok, so either you are in complete denial, or you had a total disconnect with the fact that you had a teenager in the house. I have a sophomore and a senior, and something like this (alcohol, cigarettes, pot use) would be VERY hard for them to hide. Plenty of other people knew what she was up to - and I guarantee some of the other parents knew it. </p>
<p>So what do you do? Give her a room makeover? How touchy-feely. What is that? A reward? She needs to see the consequences of her actions. There is a lot going on in this situation, and it did not develop overnight. The whole family needs therapy so that they are not continuing to enable this destructive behavior. </p>
<p>Here’s a thought - it is very likely that your D is also sexually active. She will probably deny it if you ask, but you should get her to a gyn and have her tested for the full slate of std’s and put on birth control if she admits to being active now.</p>
<p>xaniamom…I actually thought you were a snarky kid when I first read your post. I actually looked back on your other posts and discovered that you really are a mom. How dare you pass such a judgement. I too thought I could not be lied to or fooled by anyone but I was…not for long but never the less it happened. </p>
<p>This mother does not need to reveal everything or anything. The fact that she is a mom and is going through this hell with her daughter should resinate with every parent. It could happen to anyone and I do mean anyone. Count your blessings and try to remember that your kids are not all grown up yet so you need to be careful to make statements such as the one you made. You really ****ed me off.</p>
<p>Xaniamom, you’re completely and utterly out of line. Even the “best” families can be shocked by this kind of news. Don’t kid yourself that your perfect little prince or princess couldn’t ever do anything bad without you knowing within 5 seconds. Life dosn’t work that way. </p>
<p>And really, DocT, do you need to be so negative? “Well, hope it works better for you than it did for us.” Is that really what the OP needs at this point in time? Good grief.</p>
<p>The OP needs to be realistic and have her eyes open. She cannot protect her child unless they sleep with her and watch her 24 hrs a day. Most parents have tried much of what she has said she is going to do. After meeting parents at all kinds of rehabs, half way houses, meetings etc., most have tried all kinds of stuff including quiting their jobs to watch their kids as much as possible. My wife was a teacher and picked my son up every day from school, it didn’t make any difference. I should point out that one area that does help and where kids have a big advantage over parents is that today parents do not communicate with other parents. Lots of times even those who do refuse to admit that their kid is doing anything. Kids stick together and cover each others asses - parents are clueless.</p>
<p>As far as Xaniamom’s view, it is easy for kids to hide what they’re doing. Its not just pot and cigarettes. Kids today are doing stuff that my generation would never have considered. For example,heroin is rampant in the schools something most people I grew up with would never have tried. When somebody is popping pills at the same time that they are going through hormonal changes and act in ways consistent with typical teenage behavior, it can be impossible to determine if they are using drugs. My kid had psychologists with expertise in drug therapy convinced he wasn’t using drugs even though we suspected but couldn’t prove it.</p>
<p>There are unfortunately no easy answers. There are kids who will try drugs (most do) and not become addicted. Others will become addicted for psychological, genetic reasons etc.</p>
<p>I would like to think I would know if my kids were doing drugs, but I don’t think I could know 100%. I am on top of D2 (she is still living with us), but I am not with her 24/7. We do the best we could for our kids, but sometimes unexpected happens. </p>
<p>OP - your kid is lucky to have you as a supportive/understanding parent.</p>
<p>I personally don’t know of any kids who have not done drugs. If you think that your kids have never done them, you’re naive. Most did not become addicts. I’m sure most parents here have done drugs in their younger years and most are not addicts - its the same with kids today. I’m sure many here drink alcohol from time to time and are not alcoholics. One of my son’s best friends in high school and who he did drugs with, is a professor at Stanford. Another works at a hedge fund. Although they did drugs, they didn’t become addicts. This is one of the difficult things that kids have to deal with. Some who became addicts would like to have been like others, who can drink or do drugs occassionally and stop.</p>
<p>If your daughter asked for help, consider yourself blessed. That is a good sign. It does not mean that she can avoid living one day at a time against this insidious disease for the rest of her life. I read a study that the outcome difference between kids who wanted treatment and kids who were forced to be there is negligible. However, I still believe it gives her a good start, since she will be listening to what people are telling her from the get go. It also means you might be able to avoid spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on long-term treatment. Might.</p>
<p>Do not ever think you should have seen it coming. Let that go. Your daughter will, as she becomes more educated about the disease of addiction, fully grasp that no family member caused it or could have prevented it (you can contribute to it from this point forward – more about that later). Addiction is baffling and cunning. No person is a match for the brain of an addict when every available resource is being put to work to cover up using. It is natural for your child to wonder why no one was helping her, or saw her disease. When she learns more, she will get why. It is possible for young addicts to fool even parents who are both in recovery themselves! I have seen it – I know. Not in my family but in others. Yes, men and women who were major drug addicts, but now attend meetings regularly, and know all there is to know, can still be blindsided when their kid starts using. Even when they fully expected that based on genetics, there was a good chance addiction would be a problem! So what hope is there for the rest of the population for whom personal experience was not in the mix?</p>
<p>You mentioned that you could “fix this”. You cannot. You can pay for your daughter’s treatment (and keep her in as long as you can afford according to her counselor’s recommendation – the longer the better) so that she has the necessary tools to take care of herself and prevent relapse, one day at a time. There is no cure, however. Not yet. You can also get treatment for yourself and your entire family because that is a 100% requirement. As strange as that sounds, please believe me. Because we are social creatures, when one person in a family unit gets sick with something that has a social component, the disease affects everyone in the family. Addiction originates in the midbrain (the reptilian brain if you will, the most basic area which also controls things like breathing), and then hardwires or hijacks the executive functioning of the addict to promote itself. The behavior and thinking of the addict is then fully engaged in promoting and protecting the disease. This hijacking then spreads to the entire family, where relationships, thinking, feeling, and behaviors are all warped to protect and promote the disease. People who love the addict then start doing things which they think is fighting the disease, but which is actually making the disease stronger and their loved one weaker (just like the disease asks for things, like crack, which the addict takes to feel better but which is deadly). A lot of therapy is needed because the way to properly support an addict or alcoholic is counter-intuitive.</p>
<p>The best thing you can do to support your daughter is to go to all of the family support programs offered by her treatment center. If you have the resources, the Betty Ford Center offers a family treatment week, which is world-class. If you could fly your whole family down to Palm Springs one week when they offer it, it is like a boot camp for moms, dads, grandparents, siblings, spouses – everyone. Takes about a week, and you can be out each day in time to enjoy some golf, pool, or sun. </p>
<p>Go to Al-Anon for parents. Find the online directory or call the intergroup office to locate a meeting for this group. If you cannot find one for parents you will still find parents at large, regular meetings. Get the book The Courage To Change and read it. Also read the blue book (the Alcoholics Anonymous book – sub out any words which appear to pertain only to old male drinkers from 1940, as the truths in this book are for every person everywhere at any age who suffers from addiction). Work the program, let go of any thoughts you or others may have about 12 steps and fully immerse yourself. It is not a cult, but just a group of folks in your community all carrying the same cross that you are carrying. Lean on each other. Keep going back, even when you do not want to. Listen. When your daughter is in a stable recovery, and you are feeling better, be humble and keep going back. Be there for others. Put something back in the pot for the next poor soul who walks through the door with their broken heart in their hands. You will learn from those rooms how to properly support your daughter by taking care of yourself. It sounds simple but it is not. You taking care of yourself every day specifically against this disease is the only thing you can really do to role model good health to her. When you have gone a few times, bring your daughter as a guest (assuming it is an open meeting). It will be good for her to sit and listen.</p>
<p>“Teen-centered narcotics groups” are something you need to be wary of. Yes, your daughter needs a sober peer group. Her best chance of finding one is at a sober high school or college (Augsburg’s Step-Up program is amazing, as is a similar program at Texas Tech, UT Austin, or Rutgers – see recoveryschools.org for info but know few schools have developed programs). NA is not usually as strong as AA in terms of the quality of group sobriety. AA is not just for alcoholics – there are probably more drug addicts in those rooms than pure alcoholics IMHO. If she can find an AA group with a bunch of solid old-timers in it, they will embrace her and become her sober grandparents so to speak. She should be spending at least some time each week with this crowd. </p>
<p>Strongly encourage your daughter to go to women-only meetings</p>
<p>I am not saying she should never go to co-ed ones, but I would make the co-ed ones be the young people meetings. AA and NA meetings are also places where court-ordered individuals can be found, or people attending for one reason or another who are not there with the best of intentions. In a super healthy group the room will monitor to some extent, but creeps slip through the cracks and older, unhealthy guys can prey on young girls. AA rooms are the best thing out there – it’s just a mixed bag to be honest so ask around to find meetings with good sobriety. This is also why it is a good idea for her to have strong ties with old-timers (women). Your kid is 16 – she is still so young, but healthy AAers will get that and put their arms around her.</p>
<p>People, places, and playthings (that includes online) – know what that phrase means and believe it. Make no exceptions. Get her away from all three, but do it in a way that she feels in control of the process. My belief if that hardly any young addicts should keep living in their same community or attending their own school. I can only think of one kid I have met for whom that worked, and I have met hundreds. As painful as this sounds, my two cents is that hardly any of them should go back to their own houses.</p>
<p>You are probably in for a major life disruption. When confronting the cost, pain, and inconvenience that comes with fighting this disease, always keep the alternative at the front of your mind. That is the permanent impairment, institutionalization, imprisonment, or death of your child. Forgive me for being brutally honest but this will not be the last time you will hear that if it is the first. The statistics for early-onset addiction are grim. The hope of recovery is REAL, however. Your daughter can live a healthy life, and one that will be even better than the one she would have led had she not been dealt this hand. One day at a time…</p>
<p>Realize the self-care that you now deserve and need. You are facing the very same kind of terrifying health crisis that a person with a child with a most serious from of cancer is facing. That is not an exaggeration, it is a statistical fact. But no one will set up a Caring Bridge website for your family, and it is unlikely that St. Jude’s or Marlo Thomas is including your child’s illness in their disease research. I hope I am wrong on that, but I bet I am correct. There is a terrible lack of research on addiction, in particular as it affects young people (and the disease does behave differently in children and adolescents). I doubt any families will be setting up a calendar to bring meals to your house. You deserve to go through all the stages of grief that any parent of a critically ill child undergoes, but it is unlikely that most of the people you see each day will have any idea what is going on in your home. This is why you need to embrace your new community, the community of families of alcoholics and drug addicts. </p>
<p>Filling your daughter’s free time…First, please know that there is no difference between families with stay-at-home parents and working parents when it comes to their kids having a problem with addiction. It does not discriminate. Yes, it is best if she is busy and not home alone. If she wants to use, of course, she will do so if she is alone or not. But keeping busy with activities she truly enjoys is definitely pro-sober. Yoga, art…whatever makes her true self happy can help fight the disease.</p>
<p>Clear out all alcohol from your house and do not ever drink in front of your daughter, even if it is one glass a month. If you drink enjoy it at other times. Your house needs to be a safe haven for her. Do not lock it up - get it out. Do lock up any and all prescription AND over-the counter (i.e cough medicines) meds at your home and grandparents’ homes. Check dates, properly dispose of old meds, and securely lock up all that you must keep. Get rid of alcohol based mouthwash and vanilla. Use alcohol-free products, and vanilla beans. Yes, all this is necessary not only now but to role model a future household for your child.</p>
<p>One other random thought. A cucumber can always become a pickle, but once it is a pickle it can never be a cucumber again. Throughout your daughter’s life she will come across people who will tell her that she can probably just have one drink, or she may believe after so many years that she can control it. She can never have mood altering substances for the rest of her life. She even needs to tell health care providers at the outset about the fact that she is in recovery, so they prescribe the right (not the wrong) things for her. The amount of caution she will need to take for the rest of her life cannot be overstated.</p>
<p>OP-- well, I started drinking at 13, added drugs in hs and graduated college Phi Kappa Phi and a full blown addict. Went downhill until I was 33 although I had started my own business in my mid-20s and sold it to change careers. </p>
<p>When I told my parents, who I saw at least once or twice a week even after college, they were clueless (and, frankly, in denial).</p>
<p>The fact that your D told someone and “outed” herself is a positive sign. I suggest that you build on that, BUT she has to really, really want to be straight/sober. Being understanding and supportive cannot replace her desire to get better. As many have observed, she has to earn back the trust of those she cares about. </p>
<p>Nothing is every guaranteed, but I do know of success stories of addicts who sought help while young. She will need counseling (IMO).</p>
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<p>Absolutely right.</p>
<p>spideygirl gives good advice on this.</p>
<p>I should also point out that there are experimental medications that require a psychiatrist monitoring. My son who is now 27 and doesn’t live with us uses it but I cannot remember the name. He relapsed after trying to get off the medication.</p>
<p>Spideygirl- Excellent post.</p>