<p>I started using drugs and alcohol at 14, I found AA at 32. I’ve been clean and sober for 25 years. Listen to spideygirl, she knows exactly what she’s talking about!!!</p>
<p>Very unfortunate situation.</p>
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5 seconds? The problems here go back at least a year, and probably longer, since the grade issues started when the D started hs - 2 1/2 years ago. I’m taking a harsh line here because no one else is, although spideygirl has laid out a harsh look at a rather extremum future path. And because I see what some of D and S’s classmates are doing and want to shake their parents and say “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?” But I don’t do that. And if their situation devolves into the OP’s situation, I will simply nod and say “Who would have seen that coming? Poor you.” </p>
<p>op herself admits that she has had a “hands off” approach to parenting. Hands off, while D’s grades suffered. Hands off while she spurned her EC’s and lied about what she was doing. Hands off while she smoked pot and came home smelling like, oh yeah - pot.</p>
<p>You want to act as if parenting has nothing to do with whether this happens to your kid or not. Yes it can happen to kids whose parents are more involved than “hands off”, but it is far less likely.</p>
<p>“Hands off while she spurned her EC’s and lied about what she was doing. Hands off while she smoked pot and came home smelling like, oh yeah - pot.”</p>
<p>Jesus, did your mom not give you enough hugs or something? I went back through the thread and there is actually no point in any of the OP’s posts where she mentioned knowing at the time that her daughter was using pot. I think you are projecting your own issues onto a completely different situation. Your belligerent insistence on berating and tearing down a woman who is clearly going through a difficult time in her life is completely inappropriate on what is supposed to be a supportive forum. I think you are completely out of line, and I would suggest sitting down and talking to someone about the issues you clearly have about parenting.</p>
<p>I think that MOST parents would agree that high school is the time to allow your children to grow as individuals and let them have more freedom. Tightening the leash is only going to lead to rebellion in later years. Most of the girls I knew in college who got a reputation for being party girls were the ones who came from very sheltered backgrounds and whose parents tried to control every aspect of their lives. Yes, bad things can happen if kids are allowed to have a certain amount of freedom, but what is the alternative? Bars on the windows?</p>
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<p>What she said.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl’s post…right on, too.</p>
<p>xaniamom, you’re way out of line here.</p>
<p>When my children were very little, my sister, whose daughter is eight years older than my kids, said "you need to watch out for drugs. Here’s the question to ask, regularly: ‘If you wanted to get drugs or alcohol, would you know how?’ "</p>
<p>My kids answered “yes” and named classmates, starting in FIFTH GRADE.</p>
<p>In ninth grade, one of my daughter’s classmates was a recovering meth addict.</p>
<p>Don’t just ask your kids if they do drugs. Ask is their friends do, or the weird kid they don’t like does…</p>
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<p>Shame on you. The OP did NOT say that her kid came home smelling like pot and she went la-di-dah over it. What arrogance on your part.</p>
<p>"You want to act as if parenting has nothing to do with whether this happens to your kid or not. Yes it can happen to kids whose parents are more involved than “hands off”, but it is far less likely. "</p>
<p>You would be surprised at how little parenting has to do with it. You’re kidding yourself if you think that more involved parents will make much of a difference in many cases. Peer pressure is way stronger for a teenager than anything a parent can provide. And as I said before - how many of you have never used alcohol or any drugs?</p>
<p>I have talked with quite a few young alcoholics who tell me they were an alcoholic from the very first drink they ever took.</p>
<p>Exactly. That is why it is disingenuous to preach to parents whose children have become addicts that it is because of poor parenting. As I said, virtually everybody has taken a drink and/or tried drugs. With that first step, there is a percentage that will become addicts.</p>
<p>xaniamom- Please start your own thread if you want to explore these issues of yours.</p>
<p>By the time our son graduated from high school, he had relatively few restrictions. It worked for him. He handled the freedom of college pretty well. He could have snowed me about what was going on in HS and it could have back fired. </p>
<p>We could have been in a situation similar to the OP’s. Or I could have held a really tight rein on the kid and he could have gone crazy when he had no restrictions in college.</p>
<p>Judgment is not helping here.</p>
<p>Those of you who have gone through this – should OP consider having her daughter change schools? I ask because it can be hard for kids to disassociate themselves from their old crowd - which may been a major contributing factor. </p>
<p>xaniamom – baffling posts. They’re strident and accusatory and completely unhelpful.</p>
<p>Remember this thread from not too long ago?? <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1016833-depression-alcohol-drugs-failing-help.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1016833-depression-alcohol-drugs-failing-help.html</a> The dad there was also venting and asking for help, though he has a daughter who was being very noncompliant and difficut in treatment (perhaps for a variety of reasons that DON’T need to be regurgitated here in this thread). Several posters, including some who are currently being very supportive of this OP were pretty harsh on the dad in that previous thread. His situation was somewhat different and his choices may have been different. but agreed, the attacks on the OP in either thread were unnecessary and uncalled for. The OP in the previous thread stopped posting because of the harsh criticism. Hope this OP doesn’t feel the need to do the same. Lighten up folks.</p>
<p>You know the saying: “Walk a mile in my shoes” It is extremely difficult to deal with this issue and becomes more so with time where you haven’t any legal means. </p>
<p>It is my sense that with the addicts that I know including my son, that they were addicts before they ever used.</p>
<p>xaniamom
</p>
<p>You are 100% wrong, xaniamom. Consult the medical community. Addiction is a brain disease - THAT is why the OP’s daughter got sick. Do you also blame the parents of diabetic children (a lot of similarities between addiction and diabetes)? Do you judge them as well, thinking diabetes doesn’t happen to kids whose parents watch the candy bar consumption? </p>
<p>All across the country right now, there are kids at the dinner table with their parents high on drugs, and the parents haven’t a clue. Grades drop, and there seem to be other causes. Or they don’t drop, the kid maintains top standing, but is smoking oxy anyway. Xaniamom, you really are clueless on this matter. When a person knows little about a topic, it really is a good time to just shut the pie hole.</p>
<p>I hope that in real life certain people are more compassionate than they are on this anonymous forum. Then again, character is who we are when no one is looking.</p>
<p>I want to thank all the helpful posters for the advice, encouragement, and great ideas. I am actually keeping a notepad by the computer and taking notes to share with the family. some ideas echo what I’ve been thinking, and some I never would have thought of and that is the beauty of the cc community.
Honestly, anyone taking a dig at my situation for whatever reason can’t possibly make me feel any worse than I already do or accuse me of anything that I haven’t already accused myself of a million times since last Monday. I only know that after this experience I will be a much more sympathetic person. I will certainly be less judgmental. I can only say that as a parent I have always tried to do what I thought best for my kids to help them become happy, independent young adults. I have two wonderful daughters, one of whom has a serious problem, and I am trying to find the best way to deal with the situation.
We had visitation with D today, and she looked very good. She looked healthy, and she was very upbeat. I asked her if she was worried about facing temptation when she comes home, and she said “I know I’ll need to keep busy”.</p>
<p>I think there is a strong desire to believe that if a kid has a problem, then the family must somehow be responsible–that way, we can believe that those problems will never touch our kids so long as we are good parents. It’s a lot more frightening to accept that the world is full of influences, including a person’s biological predispositions, that good parenting cannot overcome.</p>
<p>earswideopen, I wish I could give you a big hug. What a great spirit you have. This affliction is not what we’d wish for ourselves or our children, but there are many who do recover. You all are embarking on a journey that will change you forever, but you will become stronger, more compassionate and definitely wiser. You’ll run into this prayer somewhere along the way, it’s helped me keep going one day at a time.</p>
<p>God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.</p>
<p>Earswideopen, you’ve shown a rare ability to not become defensive, even when unfairly provoked and attacked in a hostile manner on this thread. That is grace under pressure, indeed.</p>
<p>So many people here are rooting for your d and family.</p>
<p>Take heart. You are not to blame for this and you are responding beautifully (though it may not feel that way at the moment) to one of the most difficult challenges a parent can face.</p>
<p>I encourage you to keep on taking in all the good and helpful advice offered (here and elsewhere) and let the rest of it slide right on past you. You have bigger fish to fry right now than dealing with uninformed and accusatory judgments on you. Stay focused on the positive steps you and your family can and must take. One step at a time, one day at a time.</p>
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Yet you are certainly making one. </p>
<p>spideygirl - sorry, but I think you are the one who is in the extreme here. And I speak from experience, not as someone who “knows little about a topic”. Those of you who think that parenting has no role to play in what your kids do or don’t do are giving yourselves a pass. You are not doing your kids any favors by doing so.</p>