<p>Time to hit “delete” re: this supposed friend. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>The only reason to not take this job if it is offered to you is if you feel the change in jobs would adversely affect you and your family. It is a big decision to change jobs. Laws have changed- in the bad old days women could be discriminated against because they just might get married, become pregnant and need a leave of absence… I suspect that by the time you have to make a decision your health will be even better, at the rate your treatment seems to be working. I am amazed at your energy and what you accomplish- most of us can’t keep up your pace.</p>
<p>Wis,</p>
<p>you hit the nail on the head. A key consideration in making a decision would be, how it would impact my health in the long run. I am convinced that my previous job with a ultra toxic organizational culture completely antithetical to my own value system and belief has a lot to do with what I have now. I can’t afford to walk into the same trap. </p>
<p>A few months ago, I would have said “I can handle anything. I have been through worse” No more. I would be paying a lot closer attention to the organizational culture of this company. This is partly why I am slowing down the process - not only to finish the chemo treatment but also to do some research on this organization.</p>
<p>Hard work, tough business problem, long hours - all this I can handle. But there is one thing I won’t let myself be trapped in: toxic organizational culture. I know none of the Fortune 100 multinational companies have a community of brotherly and sisterly love and piece. Hey, some of my professional colleagues work for a company known to be the best company in the world to work for, and some of the stories I hear are pretty bad too. I have no illusion. And, I can handle A LOT, but there are some organizations with toxic culture that is several sigmas away from the norm, and I must make sure that I avoid them. </p>
<p>To me, it’s now a survival game - in more than one way. I guess this is the kind of “newly imposed vulnerability” that I must accept going forward.</p>
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<p>What a jerk this woman is. No, she did not receive an engraved invitation to comment on your way of thinking and conducting yourself, and it’s not for her to decide that it’s OK for you not to disclose this. I would take her off the email list immediately and not look back. (Though you say she wasn’t close to you – why would she be on the list in the first place? No need to overshare such intimate details!)</p>
<p>I wonder if this (former!!!) friend herself offers a disclaimer: Caution, I am a mean-spirited and insensitive b@#$% without scruples or insight into the pain I cause. Also self-righteous. Proceed in this relationship at your own risk. </p>
<p>Because, personally, I think it is highly unethical for her to engage in human interaction without a warning label.</p>
<p>I like the way you think about this work decision. One thing about life’s biggest challenges is how clarifying they are of one’s priorities. “Newly imposed vulnerability” is the opposite side of the “strong enough to choose right for me” coin. You are indeed strong and you are in position where others are revealing their true colors to you. Nice to have the awareness of when to move away and when to approach. It is going to serve you well on all fronts. Best to you!</p>
<p>I go to a forum set up for women with the same type of cancer I have. You start to see a pattern of posts various women make. There are amazing researchers who post incredible amount of research they have done with links to all shorts of scholarly sources. They are there helping others. I am very grateful of their effort to educate other women who are just starting this journey. I am mostly there to gather information, learn from other women’s experience and when I can provide my input, I do (I am a newbie, so I don’t have a lot to contribute yet). </p>
<p>Then there are women who mostly go on and on and on whining about how their families are not understanding enough, and how their medical staff are callous, and how the whole world should pay more attention. It’s a support site, so I get it. Those who can’t vent in other places can safely unload themselves and move on. Yet… I am starting to see that it’s not always the case. One woman was saying how enraged she was that the receptionist at her doctor’s office answered her phone call with a business like manner as if she was taking a reservation at a hotel, while SHE had a CANCER. I started to tune out whining discussion threads of this sort. </p>
<p>I have always made jokes about how the most god awful people get magically transformed to be the most amazing saints in their funeral. I used to say “simply because you are dead, doesn’t make you a wonderful person”. </p>
<p>Same with the life threatening medical condition. The fact that you are an advanced stage cancer patient does not suddenly make you the most sympathetic person worthy of the world’s attention and adoration. Awful, selfish people become cancer patients too, and some of them become even more awful, unlovable, and selfish. A serious medical condition can make one a very self centered person, and it’s not a pretty sight. Yes, I have a serious condition, but that does not mean that the world revolves around me. </p>
<p>When you have an accident, have a surgery, recover in three weeks and get back to the normal state, the whole world can baby you, take care of you, and make you the center of the universe during that intense period. They can do that since it’s a short period of concentrated care and feed all for one person. In short, it’s a 100 m sprint, and everybody can push themselves to the limit for a 10 seconds worth of peak performance. </p>
<p>However, cancer, especially with advanced stage diagnosis (like mine), is anything but a sprint. It’s a marathon. If I were to become a long term survivor, it means I learned to manage it like a long term chronic disease. And, it may have to be maintained for life.</p>
<p>It’s the longest marathon anybody has ever run. And, like in a marathon, you need to pace yourself. The caregivers need to pace themselves too. WE, the patients need to HELP OUR CARE GIVERS pace themselves. We can’t burn them up with constant neediness and demand for their sympathy and understanding without giving them some room room to breathe and a respite from all this here and there.</p>
<p>As soon as I realized what I have and what it implies for my future, I decided that I will be an ecosystem manager. Meaning, not only I have to work with my condition for the optimal prognosis on a long term basis, I also have to “manage” all the resources I have at my disposal for a long term sustainability. The most important resource I have in my mind is my husband’s affection and dedication. I needed to make sure that i don’t just burn it up for a short term maximum performance.</p>
<p>It’s really like managing natural, renewable resources for sustainable harvest for years to come. The key strategy is NOT to overtax the system on a short terms basis, and deplete their ability to renew themselves. I encourage my husband to go on business trips even on my chemo days (I actually prefer to go to chemo by myself - it’s my spa day). I try harder than before to lend him a good pair of attentive ears for his work related issues. I try to expand my support circles so that he gets a less concentrated dosage of my uncertainties and worries. In fact the key reason why I decided to spread the news of my condition as widely as possible right from the beginning is to make sure I have friends and supporters who are willing to step in so that the burden that falls on my husband’s shoulder is kept at a reasonable level. He is my number one resource. I must protect him. </p>
<p>I have a similar attitude toward the medical care staff. Yes, to me, this cancer is the entirely of the universe. However, I must be cognizant of the fact that, to them, I am one of many. I can easily understand why they may suffer from a sympathy fatigue syndrome. Unless they are all supermen (superwomen), they can’t continue to wear their hearts out on their sleeves for every single one of the patients they encounter and maintain enough sanity for their own loved ones at the end of the day. They have seen many of the patients they cared for not making it. At certain point, they need to also protect themselves. I can understand that need, and I sympathize with it.</p>
<p>The other day, I had a chemo nurse with a rather a bursque attitude. I asked her how many years she worked in the oncology wing, and she said 15 years. I said “it must be hard for you to see so many patients with on-going life threatening medical condition. It must be hard for you to see some of the patients you cared for not making it”. I could see the tear welling up in her eyes. She said “there are times when I go home and just sit and cry…” I felt so much sympathy for her… I try to be extra cheerful around my medical staff. They are my renewable resources too. I would like to be something “positive” in their daily routine, however minuscule and evanescent it may be . It’s not all altruistic. I believe I get ten folds back with their own positive energy amplified by my effort. I want to start a virtuous circle. </p>
<p>I would like to make sure that this cancer of mine is a net positive event for me, and I believe I can tip the balance by using it to expand my universe and try to be a source of support for others while they also support me. By using this cancer to grow as a person, I can and will make this a net positive experience for me. I refuse to let my cancer make me a small person living in a very small kingdom tyranically ruled by the needs of that tantrum throwing child that I envision for my cancer.</p>
<p>sunrise- you are both eloquent and brilliant. I too have read the people one forums who whine constantly, not just in reaction to one bad experience, but apparently on the look out for less than ideal situations. It cannot be appealing to those around them.</p>
<p>Sunriseast, you need to write a book. Copy and paste your posts from here and save them for later compilation. They would be helpful to others facing a similar situation, and their families.</p>
<p>Sunrise - I think that you should write a book also. Your posts are eloquent and inspiring. I’m so glad to hear that the chemo is going as well as can be expected.</p>
<p>Sunrise, You are spot on about caring for your caregivers. I have been in the care taking role for a friend who has a terminal illness for over eleven years. The needs have been profound from the beginning and there have been many “helpers” in the circle who have burned out and left the fold. In the beginning of her illness, this friend had a hard time prioritizing her needs and, as a result, asked for everything from many and all at once. For some, the spirit was willing but the body was weak and they found themselves backing away. I have managed to stay in but only by setting some boundaries with her family. Blessedly, she has survived much longer than her original prognoses had determined and there is still a lot of need for caring friends. She has learned to whittle down what she really needs and ask for those things that are necessary. This has resulted in people feeling more willing to give more than she asks for because they feel safe from the constant demands and are willing to offer more on their own.<br>
She is, in return, a wonderful and loyal friend and like you, has learned lessons from her illness that could not be taught in any other way.<br>
Being by her side, in varying capacities, has been an honor. I’m sure that the caretakers in your life feel that way about you.</p>
<p>Well, you’ve learned that you do not want to get to know that woman better. An update on your health and employment situation is an invitation to pass judgment? What qualifies her as the ethics guru? And how insensitive of her to share her experiences with twinges in the joints…</p>
<p>Your son sounds like a magnificent person.</p>
<p>It would seem to me that the Americans with Disabilities laws provides protection for a person who has/had cancer and is being employed or potentially employed by a company or other entity covered by that law. That said, if the law provides a standard of behavior, why would “ethics” dictate a higher standard? Since my training is in law, I have to say that if it is legal, then this is the accepted standard.</p>
<p>I think where sunriseeast’s former “friend” should have kept her mouth shut, even if this was what she thought. Tacky and unempathetic - to say the least. Better to know what she is about. I think she probably was jealous that you have this great opportunity, even though you have cancer. After all, you are supposed to crumple up and wither away - sarcasm intended here folks.</p>
<p>However, I can imagine that this was coming from was some version of her own view of the “golden rule” (and quite a bit of chutzpah). I doubt she would really be so “noble” if she was in your position. </p>
<p>I think there are areas in life where it is necessary to go above and beyond what the law might require to be ethical, but these are usually not in the business arena. </p>
<p>Keep thinking good thoughts and forget about what is not good or helpful. As I said in my earlier posts you need to decide what is best for your life in this context.</p>
<p>sunriseeast,
Thank you for the privilege of sharing your journey in this way. I can offer nothing but my attention, learning, and positive thoughts. I do hope that you find your posts here to be therapeutic.
Best,
Mafool</p>
<p>Re the job: If you take it, would you get enough sick time so that you could go to the necessary medical appointments?</p>
<p>It seems to me that one of the toughest challenges for any new employee is trying to function in those first few months when you have little or no time off coming to you. I think it’s especially difficult if you have to switch your insurance when you get the new job. You need to find and see new doctors, but you don’t have the accrued sick hours in which to do it. </p>
<p>Will you be able to meet your medical needs as a new employee without having to take so much unpaid time off that your full-time status (and therefore eligibility for health insurance) would be in jeopardy?</p>
<p>sunrise, I’ve been following your journey even thought I haven’t been able to post. You remain an inspiration and in my thoughts. May today’s chemo (and all of them) be easy for you. :)</p>
<p>I would like to thank everybody, posting or lurking. Please accept my apologies for not individually responding to your posts, words of encouragements and suggestions. Please know that I take them all to heart. </p>
<p>My weekly Friday chemo again was easy to handle. When I walked in, the receptionist asked “are you actually that full of energy? Or are you faking it” I said, I am slowing down so that other people can catch up! Even though they all know me by now, according to the hospital protocol, they have to ask my name and date of birth. For date of birth, I said MM/DD/1980. She had this puzzled look: I explained, every time I come here, I am going to shave a year off". (these days, I go there 3 times a week: chemo day, and to get shots to boost the while blood count so that I can continue with program. The blood count tanking and hair falling out are the only side effects I couldn’t escape from)</p>
<p>During the chemo fell asleep, and the kind nurse let me sleep for two hours after infusion was completed. After I awoke, she said “you know, we should start charging you for room”. I said “I want a frequent mileage program credit since I come every week” We both had a good laugh.</p>
<p>She said, if serious side effects were to develop, they should show up by now (8th weekly chemo out of 18), and since I don’t have any so far, it looks like I am getting away scott free. I hope so too!</p>
<p>It was fascinating to talk to her. She has 35 years of experience as an oncology nurse. I asked her in her long career, what changed most? </p>
<p>She said “we used to kill people. Now we save them” </p>
<p>Apparently, even as late as 15 years ago, they did not have anti nausea medication, the shots that boosts the white blood counts, the right dosage that is effective yet not overdosing. And, scarily enough, cancer patients were not encouraged to eat high calorie nutritious meals in fear of letting cancer cells and tumors thrive on it. So, many patients died of the chemotherapy treatments before they had a chance to beat the disease.</p>
<p>She said “it was a bloody game of the survival of the fittest, but now, we are starting to reach the point where we can help our patients manage their cancer like a chronic disease”. This is precisely what I envisioned for myself. I don’t need to be “cured” to have a full life. i just need to hang around one step ahead of my cancer. </p>
<p>The more I get to know about cancer, the more I feel that cancer has a unduly bad rep. In truth, cancer is far kinder to life that other debilitating disease. Of course one can die from it. But then again, you can die of a stroke as a result of high blood pressure, or you can have a fatal heart attack as a result of clogged artery. But when you think of it, with cancer, you can stay in remission, and even if it comes back, you go through 18 week chemo therapy and if that buys you another remission, you go back to your normal life. No weekly dialysis or bed ridden existence. </p>
<p>Though I did not choose it, my cancer is now my companion for a very long time, since clinically speaking, my condition is not considered “permanently curable” - not yet, that is. So far, it has not been such a bad companion. It took away certain things, but it brought precious gifts too. I will have to find a way to “get along” with this companion. This is why I eschew all militaristic, jingoistic violent lingo (combat, war, battle, fight, kill, warrior, conquer, etc). No way to call your companion. Rather, I would like to negotiate a peace treaty. I think I can do that…</p>
<p>Weekend is starting. And finally weather is warming up in the East Coast. I think I will go for a long walk in the woods nearby today.</p>
<p>Sunriseeast, you are amazing and inspirational. Thank you for letting us accompany you on the journey, even in some small way. I admire your attitude and grace.</p>
<p>Your posts remind me of my friend, who has had cancer for over 10 years and has a blog. She warns her illness periodically that if it doesn’t behave, she will have to bring out the big guns! An uneasy truce, but it’s her life. Meanwhile she does all sorts of remarkable things and enjoys life.</p>
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<p>I know that no one wants to advertise for chemo, but it would be comforting to some people to know that. My mother has always said that if she gets cancer, she wants no treatment. I’m sure it’s because she has known so many people from the earlier era.</p>
<p>Think seriously about the book. I was thinking about this yesterday. I think friends and acquaintances who have never battled cancer, or experienced the death of a child or spouse, etc., either come across as idiots, or are trying very hard not to come across as idiots. I bet some who say the wrong thing later beat themselves up over it. I’m not excusing anyone’s poor behavior - I just think that many people don’t know how to behave (and if they avoid the person going through the situation, will never learn how to behave.) Hence, your book!</p>