<p>I’m adding another brick to the leaning wall. Sending good thoughts your way, Sunrise.</p>
<p>Another brick in the wall (with apologies to Pink Floyd) for you, Sunrise, and anyone else needing a spot to lean…</p>
<p>PS - Musee d’Orsay is also my favorite! I did not think it would be possible to top the Jeu de Paume (when it housed the collection), but I was pleasantly surprised.</p>
<p>Another vote for Musee D’Orsay. That painting will always remind me of you, sunrise, and of this thread. Thanks for the interesting information on the painting, which I had not known. </p>
<p>I wish I could be as eloquent as skier29 and some others who have such beautiful thoughts that they can express with such grace. But I can be one more brick in your wall. </p>
<p>buenavista, I am sorry that your husband is fighting cancer. I think that I would prefer to have cancer myself than to watch a close family member suffer. </p>
<p>I imagine that there must be a letdown after a huge, successful party. You’ve looked forward to it and planned for it for so long. It too bad that this came for you at a time of high anxiety about the cancer, sunrise.</p>
<p>Back from MSKCC.</p>
<p>The scan is still clean. That’s good news. However, given that the blood marker has consistently gone up and the level is now above the normal range, I am not out of the wood. In fact, most women who recur see their blood test number go up for several months till they finally see tumors showing up on the scan. So, this may be what’s going on now.</p>
<p>If this is the case, my cancer is deviating from its usual MO: mine goes from zero to hundred miles in a nanosecond. When I recurred 6 months ago, it went from the nadir blood marker number to 1 inch tumors in mere three weeks. I think the current regimen is “somewhat” working - not finishing its job, and at least is slowing down the growth.</p>
<p>So, if it is indeed happening very slowly, it’s also good news. It buys me more time before we have to deploy heavy duty arsenal - the kind of arsenal I really need to preserve since you can use them only so many times before you develop resistance. Women like me exit the stage either when their body can no longer take the punishing treatment or when they run out of drugs that they can use. </p>
<p>We decided to run one more blood test. If the number goes up again and the trend is accelerating, we need to change the current treatment protocol. We will use something milder and gentler and see if they manage to bring the number down or at least keep it at a bay a while longer so that we buy more time before the firework starts. When the tumors finally show up, then we go for the heavy artillery. </p>
<p>If, for whatever reason, the trend is reversing, and the number is going down again, we will keep the current treatment regimen as long as its bringing down the number. The odds of this is not high, though NOT non-existent because sometimes the number can go up for reasons not related to cancer. </p>
<p>Overall, I guess the news is good. But, it’s bitter sweet. I still feel like I am held as a hostage. I am not winning. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But still, it’s a much better scenario than what I feared.</p>
<p>Another good news: I can still trust my cancer meter. It hasbeen quiet all along, and for a good reason since there are no tumors.</p>
<p>I should be happy that it’s not the worst I feared, but at this point, I am just really tired. I will have a good night sleep, and will be my upbeat self again in the morning.</p>
<p>Thanks for your support…….</p>
<p>Nice to know your cancer-o-meter is still clicking along, and that you have plans and backup plans. Wishing you a good night’s sleep, and fond memories of what sounds like an amazing party.</p>
<p>This %$#@ disease is like the sword of Damocles at times. News can be good, but it still doesn’t feel safe.</p>
<p>This is my understanding: There are two good indicators, the clean scan and the cancer-o-meter. The blood numbers may tell a different story, but the cause of the rise could be something other than tumors coming back. So the cancer may still be in remission; if it isn’t, you have a plan. We are all rooting for remission. </p>
<p>Thank you for updating us, even in your exhausted state.</p>
<p>. But still, it’s a much better scenario than what I feared.</p>
<p>Thank you, Sunriseeast for posting tonight. Namaste. Sleep well.</p>
<p>thank you Sunrise east for your post. So many contingincies but you seem to have a clear lucid view of things, and so glad you didn’t see tumors today! That was a good day despite the blood levels. Was hoping to hear from you this evening! </p>
<p>Faline2 in Virginia</p>
<p>Sunrise,</p>
<p>Glad to hear! I’m sending wishes and thoughts for continued good news your way. </p>
<p>My husband has had aggressive advanced prostate cancer for 9 years. At present he is very limited in what he can do, he has issues with balance, vision, hearing, fatigue, appetite, stamina, pain… Can’t walk well w/o assistance… Years ago we were, as you are, attentive to the tumor markers and blood tests…<br>
But he felt good, and could do pretty much anything he wanted for 8 years…</p>
<p>I remember thinking how lucky we were that he felt good for so long. Even so, I wish (at the time) that we had truly appreciated how well he felt for so long…</p>
<p>Enjoy yourself, every day, live life to the fullest.</p>
<p>Sunrise: I checked the site all day hoping to hear from you. Praise God for today. I hope the blood test jives with the cancer-o-meter.</p>
<p>So happy for the news of a clean scan! You can deal with the rest when you have a chance to regroup.</p>
<p>I hope you sleep well and do indeed wake recharged. Thank you so much for taking the time to post even after such a stressful day. It means alot to us lurkers. SEE, YOU ARE STRONG!</p>
<p>Hurray for the clean scan! What great news. :)</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking about the blood markers. And, for the sake of optimism, I’m going liken them to Gary Sinise’s character in the Apollo 13 movie. He was the astronaut whose bloodwork showed he was about to come down with a cold. As a result, he couldn’t be on the crew. (I think) Kevin Bacon’s character took his place. </p>
<p>Anyway, Sinise’s character never did catch a cold. He remained healthy on earth the whole time the astronauts were facing their life-threatening malfunctions. But, because Sinise was grounded, he was able to be the most knowledgable trouble-shooter and was instrumental in bringing the crew home safely. </p>
<p>I’m going to believe that the bloodwork is flawed and you’re not sick after all. Isn’t that what the scan and cancer-o-meter are saying, anyway. </p>
<p>Peace.</p>
<p>My husband also had a blood marker for his type of cancer, and at our very first meeting with the oncologist she warned us that at some point we would definitely get false positive results that would end up being lab error.</p>
<p>Keeping my fingers crossed that lab error proves to be the explanation!!</p>
<p>Sending restorative thoughts your way. Even with good news, there are days when the challenge of constantly navigating cancer can wear you down. May your batteries re-charge as you face today.</p>
<p>After pulling off the event for your husband, I can also understand feeling a bit of a let-down. You worked so hard and had so much to anticipate with it. It was all it could have been. I’m guessing that you will be finding another project after you re-group. It seems to serve you well. </p>
<p>Thanks again for sharing and know that many root for you every day.</p>
<p>Scan and cancer meter trump blood work! Thank you for the update. You have an army of virtual friends caring about you. Please do get some rest; you have had a busy few weeks!<br>
You said your news was bittersweet. Borrowing from a very talented writer upthread: I hope the sweet fills your mind while the bitter only “accentuates the gorgeous contour of a master piece sculpture.”
In a way, we are all waiting for the “other shoe to drop.” You just are more informed about which shoe.<br>
Hugs to all whose families are affected by cancer. Thank you for the gift of this thread, Sunrise.</p>
<p>today was a beautiful day! A fit day for me to regain my posture. I feel silly and sheepish for being morose last few days. Usually, it takes only a couple of days for me to recover from whatever funk I am dealing with. But this time, it took longer - I guess I have been on an alert for last several weeks, and it just took a bit longer than usual. </p>
<p>In spite of everything, I am so blessed, while so many people with my condition are struggling under difficult circumstances. I always think about this… I should count my blessings.</p>
<p>S1, on a spring break from Chicago, has been like an ointment on a wounded soul. He volunteered to come with me to MSKCC on Monday when I was getting a scan, and again on Wed for a consult with my doctor. What a sweet, sweet kid! He held my hand. Hugged me. Told me that he couldn’t believe his luck for having such wonderful parents. He is telling me all the things people don’t expect to hear from their offspring unless they are lying on a casket at their funeral. I will never forget that goofy grin on his face when he surprised me by showing up at the door step with a bouquet of flowers the day before last thanksgiving, when he was supposed to be visiting his friend’s family nearby in Chicago. </p>
<p>I ended up taking him to a nice restaurant after the consult with my doc (my H also joined, but he had to get back to the office). Cost me more than I expected, but you see, as an older woman having a date with a good looking young man, you are expected to pay through the nose 
This is a kid in whom piercing intellect, wisdom, kindness, ambition, and maturity miraculously coexist in perfect harmony. </p>
<p>S2 is less demonstrative, but during my H’s party, when my H gave a speech and mentioned me to tell everybody how much he appreciate our life together, S2 held m hand the whole time in one hand and the other arm draped over my shoulder. I know what this means. He feels much more deeply than he appears. I also know he is much more scared about my condition than anybody in the family. He invited us to an award banquet in his college in April. I am looking forward to it. There is a benefit of having him in a drivable distance (4 hours) unlike his brother.</p>
<p>Unlike girls of my generation where I grew up, I never considered my life mission to be a good mother to perfect children. Somehow, I managed to have what all my peers were indoctrinated to wish for over anything else in life. I feel very sheepish about this whole thing - somewhat undeserved really, since I did not ask for it, and certainly, I did not pay a hefty sum for it…</p>
<p>So, regardless of what happens next week, I must remember these are intangibles that the glory of life is made of, not my blood test numbers or a poisonous drink of the chemo cocktails. So, next week I march again with whatever concoction they come up with. This weekend, I will enjoy an unexpected gift of the early spring.</p>
<p>So glad your results were good. Hoping the marker was an aberrancy. Somehow i just feel you will suceed. Another vote for Musee de Orsay. I have been in a funk as well, took some time off, then have worked out alot. I realized my onc appointment I thought was next week was this week. Its insidious, and just weighs on you. Puts me in that “place” for a while, you were out of that" place" with your party. then you regroup. Isnt for the faint of heart. Thank you for sharing your journey, you give such voice to how we feel. So eloquent. I understand the limbo you live in but am so glad it is this news and not something else. praying the markers go down.</p>
<p>sunriseeast,
Thank you for taking the time to update us even in your exhausted state. Perhaps all that went into pulling off that wonderful party for your husband, including being unusually devious in pulling out a large sum of money ;), has thrown off your blood work. Let’s just trust that clean scan and your personal cancer-o-meter. Much more reliable. Enjoy the early spring!</p>
<p>“intangibles that the glory of life is made of”, Sunrise what a beautiful description of the essence of life which is too often overshadowed by its impermanence.</p>