I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Or, I do, but I don’t know why it’s gotten so bad. Why right now.
Little background information: I’m a transfer student at the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. This is my first year here (credits wise, I’m a sophomore), and I just finished my first semester. In which I failed three classes. I’ll pause here for sarcastic applause.
Okay, that’s enough.
I have chronic depression. It hasn’t effected my grades like this since… well, ever. It’s never effected my grades like this. A little bit in high school, but not too badly, and it didn’t effect me at all when I was at community college (I had maintained a 4.0, DESPITE feeling consistently crappy). So what’s different now that I’m at “real” college? Something in the water?
More challenging classes? Yes and no. Classes seem harder, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because I can’t drum up the motivation to do the work. Or crack open the textbooks. Or show up for class.
Social isolation? That’s a common way things get bad–lack of human contact. The only problem with that theory, my social life has never been better. I have a tight-knit group of close friends who I hang out with regularly. My best friend–who I consider to be basically family at this point–lives next door. I’m even in an emotionally committed relationship with someone who I genuinely like a whole bunch. I love my job (tutoring grade school), and I’m part of two wonderful social clubs. I can even manage to drag myself out of bed most of the time to go to meetings. By all rights, I should be happy. I should be productive.
But school. School is another story. For the first time, I’m experiencing the complete paralysis you always hear described. I honestly CAN’T do the work. It’s not too hard, it’s not too much for me, it’s not that I don’t have the time. I just can’t do it. Whenever I try, I just end up staring at my computer screen blankly. For hours. I don’t even do anything else, I just do nothing.
I’m pretty sure I’m on academic probation now, but I can’t even really manage to make myself care about that. I want to care. I want to be a good student. I feel incredibly guilty for putting my teachers through my hot and cold weirdness. Especially since they all KNEW I could perform. Seriously, I got As on all the assignments I turned in. I just… didn’t turn a lot of them in. I couldn’t. Forcing my fingers to move on my keyboard for more than five minutes exhausted me. At the same time, I wasn’t sleeping. Morning classes were especially likely to get skipped. So was work.
But that’s just a wordy way of saying that depression is ruining my academic life. Also, emotions are dumb, but numbness is worse. Anxious me can get things done. Too-tired-to-give-a-s**t me cannot.
I’m writing, I guess, to ask if anyone else has managed to come back from this. And to say that if any other students are going though this; you’re not alone. It sucks. I’m right here dealing with the suck with you.
I’m feeling a little better, I think. Better enough to be able to write this down. Post it, even.
I won’t lose my scholarship right away, so, bright side. I’ve decided to go to counseling once I get back to school. Work with an academic advisor too, to see what I can do. If I have to take the Fs, I will. They’re mine, and I earned them. I honestly do think I’ll be able to do better this time. I have all the support structure I need, I just need to convince myself to get out of bed long enough to ask for help.