My Essay--Critique?

<p>Hey, I've applied EA to Chicago, but I'm looking for some opinions on my essay (as I know it's a major part)...I did the "language as a connector" option (#2).</p>

<pre><code> O fair God! ‘Tis thee that hath charged us with the peculiarities of the tongue! To the Greeks, thou hath given the ancient words of Homer; to the Romans, the playful adornments of Ovid. Come hither, ye English, and revel in our development of language—for by heaven’s time it will be too late, and all men will speak as one.

The Bard I am not. Clearly, I have yet to master the ins and outs of the iambic pentameter. Nor do I possess the poignant qualities of a poet, instead being forced to melt my girlfriend’s heart with a steady stream of gifts rather than heartstring-pulling sonnets.

<p>However, what I lack in rhythm and emotive guile I make up for with a rather innovative vocabulary. I’ve always been fond of combining words—from the aforementioned “heartstring-pulling” to “grandiloquent,” (a combination of grandiose and eloquent) I always manage to invent the perfect word if the thesaurus is not sufficient (aside from which, thesauruses—or is it thesauri?—are too uncomfortable and a little disconcerting to others for me to keep in my breastpocket). Obviously, I need to go outside more.</p>

<p>My friends tell me that my vocabulary is a wide and esoteric one. Other people possess lexicons shaped by sports, philosophy, medicine and even fashion. Our passions, interests, and knowledge—essentially our innermost selves—are defined by the words we choose, from the colloquial to the technical. Venturing out into different phraseology is like putting on a costume—you change who you are with the words you use and connotations you attach to them. Which is why I always find it fun to talk like a rapper at times—“What izzle uphizzle G-unit?” I’ll say to my friends. They find it funny because it is unlike me to use those words, just as I find it amusing when some of my less intellectually-esteemed peers say to me, “Greetings and salutations!” </p>

<p>It’s not just my vocabulary that differentiates me. There are subtle cadences to my speech as well—most of the time, I’m talking too fast for my own good and end up contracting words or melding one suffix into the next word’s prefix. For example: It’s prolly nodda gud’idea to typapers like this (translation: It’s probably not a good idea to type papers like this). Evidently, it loses some of its humour and playfulness on paper, as speech is always more dynamic than prose. Some may call it mumbling and poor enunciating (I pronounce “tt” like “d”—i.e. “button” becomes “budden”)—I say it simply allows me to pack the maximum amount of information into the smallest breath possible. And when I just cannot think of anything to say, I put together long strings of “Whatchamacallit…you know…”</p>

<p>Language is the fingerprint of the mind, revealing the true nature of individuals. The village idiot could conceal himself as an intellectual by donning a lab coat, thick-rimmed glasses, and by sticking a calculator in his pocket—but as soon as he opens his mouth, he’ll be exposed. In the same way, anyone listening to me speak with a friend will be able to figure me out: I like to read (a lot), I watch an obscene amount of Jeopardy! and I’m messy and absent-minded. If you want to find out the truth about someone, don’t analyze their ideas, as those can be faked—analyze the words and how they are said, be it fast, slow, prosaic or florid. Because while people can tell lies, people never lie.</p>

<p>Anyone care, or no ;)?</p>

<p>I guess it's too late...brave of you to post it. Overall I liked it pretty much. Now the bad news:</p>

<p>All over, you introduce a number of interesting ideas, but don't develop them too much. Since you did have interesting thoughts I thought it served the prompt, but I also thought you could have developed them more and left out a few other things that left you in a more unflattering light. Some of what was not flattering was to try to poise yourself as precocious.</p>

<p>Also--lexicon used where jargon is more apt? But I liked you thought of it. Stuff like that.</p>

<p>I hated the last paragraph. It reminds me of the #1 problem with essays on CC (was it your original 1st para?) in that it lectures the reader in broad sweeping generalizations. Edit out this drivel: "Language is the fingerprint of the mind, revealing the true nature of individuals. The village idiot could conceal himself as an intellectual by donning a lab coat, thick-rimmed glasses, and by sticking a calculator in his pocket—but as soon as he opens his mouth, he’ll be exposed."</p>

<p>I admire your taking on this topic and you have some good ideas going, but this is a first draft. Take heart, most are. I have to say I was shocked that my dd wrote crap for a month then finally got her essay into shape in the last couple of days and worked to the final hour, I think, at least the final hours. It turned out simple and true, but perhaps not her finest hours in showing the thinking your are trying to show here.</p>

<p>What's your overall impression of this as a college admissions essay (and not an academic piece, hence some of the undeveloped ideas--I tried to keep it short)?</p>

<p>My English is not the greatest but here are my two cents anyways. Your essay is good because it showed that you have mastered the English language quite well for a teenager. Your essay is bad because your philosophy, that "ideas" could trick but not the way you say it, might not be recieved so well by the admission officers. Your essay lacks ideas, so you use beatiful prose to cover the void. I hope the admission officer agrees with your philosophy.</p>

<p>So-so overall. A bit hard to read, makes you sound like a pompous dude trying to impress instead of being real and honest. Lexicon is a bad word choice.</p>

<p>I have to say that I just sat down and wrote--this is what I got...I feel that's pretty real and honest, however, it's a problem if I don't come off that way...</p>

<p>I liked it. :) Honestly, I do like this essay very much. I mean, I got a sense of who you are as a person from this thing...especially the voice. Loved the intro. :) good luck.</p>

<p>I also liked it. It almost brought a tear down my cheek:) You may want to change the ending a bit.</p>

<p>Look a few threads back, there is a website with essays from class of 2008. They may help you structure your essay, especially the ending.</p>

<p>what's the thread? I am looking...but I am not finding...:(</p>

<p>This should do it.</p>

<p><a href=""&gt;;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Thnx a lot!:)</p>

<p>Ok, someone just mentioned this word to me...ooops</p>

<li>grandiloquent, magniloquent, tall -- (lofty in style; "he engages in so much tall talk, one never really realizes what he is saying")</li>
<li>grandiloquent, overblown, pompous, pontifical, portentous -- (puffed up with vanity; "a grandiloquent and boastful manner"; "overblown oratory"; "a pompous speech"; "pseudo-scientific gobbledygook and pontifical hooey"- Newsweek)</li>

<p>Hmmm...I always thought I made it up...</p>

<p>Maybe it just entered my subconscious. Damn.</p>

<p>Hahahaha. At least you didn't say you made up "university" or something.</p>

<p>Maybe they won't know it...</p>