my essay for assignment of test#6 CB. Thanks

kindhearted · November 29, 2007, 1:01pm

Hi everyone, could you please help me one more time with this essay.
This one is for test #6 of CB, the last test.

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

People who like to think of themselves as tough-minded and realistic tend to take it for granted that human nature is “selfish” and that life is a struggle in which only the fittest may survive. According to this view, the basic law by which people must live is the law of the jungle. The “fittest” are those people who can bring to the struggle superior force, superior cunning, and
superior ruthlessness.
*Adapted from S.I. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action *

Assignment: Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Whether people have to be highly competitive to succeed or not depends on how they think of the word “succeed.” If you think of “success” as something too big, too difficult, you have to be superior to others. If you consider “success” as achieving something small but meaningful, as helping people or simply as enjoying life, you don’t have to be superior and ruthless.

If your dream is becoming a billionaire, you must be very talented and superior to other people. Bill Gates became billionaire when he was very young. Though he left Harvard after sophomore year, he must have learnt a lot about business, and also about “superior cunning” in this field. His corporation, Microsoft, had to face several charges of monopoly from European media companies. Everything took several years to settle, and if Bill Gates hadn’t had many talented lawyers, his corporation would have been punished with a lot of money. In other example, Microsoft took Linux community to court because the community had used Lindows for its product’s name, which was similar to Windows of Microsoft. As a result, Lindows was changed into Lin—s (Lindash). In those “business court,” it’s had to say which side has acted legally or which side is right; to win the court, you have to hire best lawyers, to use money and to cheat, if needed.

If your dream is not so big, you don’t have to be competitive or cruel, and you still have “success.” Some people in the world are fed up with the dog-eat-dog world, and they settle in small ranches. They can do farming everyday, raise animals and still have fun. They consider harvesting a decent crop or providing enough food for themselves or contributing a small amount to the economy as “success.” They definitely don’t have to be “highly competitive.” How about a teacher who considers “success” as seeing his or her students getting a full scholarship from good colleges. Those teachers might be busy or tense in work, but they don’t have to “struggle” ruthlessly to succeed.

People don’t have to be competitive to succeed, as long as they view success simply as any meaningful work in life. Those who view this concept as billions of dollars have to be competitive and superior.

The ideas are a little unconvincing; I found a more interesting example for this topic halfway through the essay, so I can’t insert this example …
What a pity!

Please tell me what do you score this essay and how to improve it ? Are the ideas OK ? What about grammar, word usage … ?

This is the last essay before the Dec test. I want to thank those who has spent time to judge my essay and give commentd; thanks to you, I know more about my weaknesses (since I’m non-native). Good luck to everyone on December test!

Coopjust · November 29, 2007, 1:45pm

6/12.

Your major mistake was taking two viewpoints. The Bill Gates one supports the idea that you HAVE to be ruthless, while the second example is weak. The first one contradicts it.

You need to take ONE viewpoint. You need to acknowledge that the other viewpoint exists, in your intro, but you don’t want to support it. In this prompt, it would be easier to refute the claim: You only need to find one example (obviously you would want more- I aim for five. First great, second good, next 3 good but short.)

You also have no evidence to backup that Microsoft has “cheated”. The money thing, yes- they can afford great lawyers, among other things.

Take one stance only. That’ll boost you quite a bit. Use more examples. Use your personal experience- its an easy source that the grader won’t know about, so you can make something up if needed. You can also use the experience of a friend.

Also, “success” varies by field. Most students on CC are good, and educationally, many find that they don’t have to be competitive to be successful academically. Your father or a friend might have a great job that doesn’t have him constantly competing with his coworkers. Use other examples.

Don’t stress about the low grade- if you take one point, I believe you’d get an 8/12. If your examples were better supported (and there was another one), it could be possible for you to get 10/12.

Good luck on your December test! :)

kindhearted · November 30, 2007, 2:58am

Thank you very much Coopjust.

I wonder what’s wrong with taking 2 viewpoints. I’ve seen some sample essays from CB that takes 2 viewpoints. For example, the one saying that restriction can both deter people from being creative and encourage them.

My second example is weak, so if it’s strong enough, may I take 2 stances ?

I have one more question: Will my essay is penalized if my example is not exactly true ? For instance, I heard that Bill Gates left school after sophomore year, but I’m not sure about that. I write that Lindows is a product of Linux community, but in fact, it belongs to a company that I don’t know the name.

Thanks

Coopjust · November 30, 2007, 5:55am

I haven’t seen that essay, and it seems to go against the CB rubric for essay grading, and several review books, all of which say: take one stance. Some note, and even encourage, mentioning the other viewpoint to make it seem weak so you can trash it and make your original look stronger.

The essay asks “Must one always be competitive to succeedor not?”

Really for the latter you would only need one example (on a technical level) to disprove the first. Of course, you’d need more.

The 2 viewpoints go against the rubric and against one another.

Your second question: No, your examples do not need to be true, and SAT graders do not have factuality as a criterea. Some CCers say “Make everything up!”, but I usually try to keep any book examples (e.x. Great Expectations) true, and I’ll make up studies and companies and personal experiences as needed.

I think 1 of my 5 examples was true in my 12 ACT essay… I always got 10 on the SAT ones, but 1/3 were true on that (book, personal experience, company).

The Bill Gates thing: He joined in '73 and left in '77, but I don’t think most people know that, and I don’t know if he was behind academically. You’d probably be safe on the Lindows thing, most people don’t know about different Linux distributions.

my essay for assignment of test#6 CB. Thanks

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