My Harvard Essay - what do u think?

College Admissions
#1

<p>pinned up against a wall, calloused hands enveloping my neck, pushing tighter and tighter until I collapse. i asphyxiate, try to catch a gasp of air as i see my life endangered right before my eyes. i look at the murderous face in front of me and try to cry out in agony, not from being strangled but from realizing that its that of my own father.</p>

<p>unfortunately, this isn’t another excerpt from one of Anne Rice's new macabre novel. Instead its a page from the autobiography of my life. </p>

<p>My life as I knew it would change forever the night my father decided to do away with me and my mother. It was the climax of a childhood filled with pain and abuse. It was a scary night. I remember the eerie silence as I felt a dark figure creep towards me in my light slumber. It was close to midnight, leaves were rustling outside and a cool breeze was blowing in from my window. Suddenly i felt a rush of power jump at me. Shocked by the suddenness of the situation, I yelled for my mother. Soon enough my calls were answered with my mother rushing into my room. </p>

<p>She was trembling, terrified, and she had a look in her eyes worse than death itself. Clutched in her hands was the phone, it took a few seconds for her to spring into action and dial "9-1-1". All the while, I hopelessly struggled against my father who was much bigger and stronger than me. </p>

<p>I remember praying to G-D as my mother tried to rip my dad's hands of my neck, but to no avail. He quickly slammed her into the wall and re-assumed the position of trying to murder me. </p>

<p>The police finally arrived.</p>

<p>He let go. Yet, I felt even more excruciating pain when he did. Ironically, I felt worse when he let go. </p>

<p>Sirens. Questions. It all led to nothing. </p>

<p>My father was placed under house-arrest. My mother and siblings directed to a shelter for the night.</p>

<p>I continued to cry, scratching away at my eyes, hoping that I could rip them out along with the daunting images they held. </p>

<p>An ambulance arrived. The EMT’s couldn’t provide me any succor. No one could. Not even G-D himself could resuscitate me. I knew that the fingerprints on my neck would disappear after time, but it was the emotional scars that were permanently ingrained in my mind.</p>

<p>I couldn’t be more wrong.</p>

<p>I went to the shelter
There were books there on an old dusty shelf that seemed to be unnoticed by many.
Frayed and tattered, the books I encountered provided a newfound sense of relief I knew I couldn’t find elsewhere
Dickens, Dostoevsky, Chopin</p>

<p>Among the yellowed, moldy pages I encountered the likes of Edna Pontellier, Sydney Carton and Rodion Raskolnikov who would unknowingly give me a newfound sense of appreciation. I was able to relate and feel the same pain that Carton did when he evolves into the selfless martyr who must die at the hands of a guillotine. I discovered that I should not partake in the same Nihilism that so enraptured the life of Raskolnikov. Most importantly, I realized that I must control myself and especially this rude ‘awakening’ in my life and prevent myself from obtaining the same fate as Mrs. Edna Pontellier.</p>

<p>Although what I read was fiction, it gave me something to relate to. That day I realized that I’ve been taking to many things for granted. It prompted me to have a rebirth of my respect for education, learning and for once in my life I felt thankful for the knowledge I had. I realized it was the most valued thing under my belt. It all made me realized that I was blessed to have a loving mother and sister who provided enough love that would inevitably erase all the scars I allowed myself to receive from my father. </p>

<p>My life is too short it seems. Two great things I learned with this powerful experience is that life is fragile, delicate and can be snatched away in a second. Second and most importantly, is that life is also limitless and as a result one should never give up, quit, or even forfeit. Applying these principles to myself I find that I want to become knowledgeable of the world around me not just for my sake, but for that of others as well. </p>

<p>I PLAN TO SUBMIT THIS TO HARVARD EA, I know that its kind of personal, but i dont mind showing the world a slice of my life. so here it is, thanks in advance if you help me edit it!</p>

#2

<p>I thought that this essay would be on how you were changed through your father's actions but then it transitions to your love of books and its effect and meaning in your life. Whilst I can see the connection, I cannot help but get the feeling that you are somehow trivialising the incident with your father... I would concentrate on one thing if I were you.</p>

#3

<p>y17k is right on the ball.</p>

#4

<p>it's two great essays crammed into one. the transition from 'dramatic father abuse' to 'love of reading' is choppy and doesn't come off effectively. you need to either develop a stronger link between the two aspects, or choose which will be your topic - growing from abuse/literary world provides comfort. this point is really important because you write well, but it's like there's a huge dividing line between the two halves - even the tone changes significantly, from narration to contemplation. Part 1 will make a good story because it's vivid, but is a touchy topic because it's quite personal. Part 2 will make a good essay because it's fascinating, but this section comes across as a tad too detached. Also - your essay is full of cliches (leaves rustling outside etc.) holla if you need specific pointers & good luck with Hvrd EA</p>

#5

<p>What's the prompt?</p>

<p>If it's open ended, stick with the first experience. The transition between the two stories is a bit too weak, seeing that the first part is full of powerful imagery and phrases. Personally, I would stick with that one.</p>

<p>But, I am in love with this sentence:</p>

<p>"I continued to cry, scratching away at my eyes, hoping that I could rip them out along with the daunting images they held. "</p>

<p>Beautiful! Wonderful writing.</p>

#6

<p>I am not usre this is exactly what Harvard is looking for. They want to know how this experience affected you. I am not aying it didn't, it must have, but they will want you to tell them directly. I see this as more of a narrative of something that happened to yu rather than an admissions essay that is supposed to tell us something deep about you.</p>

#7

<p>i think i see his connection between the books and his abuse. it goes together well. Nice essay.</p>

#8

<p>your essay is clearly very personal, and you articulate well, though I think that you're use of your love of books sounds a little more like name dropping. It isn't necessary to the plot, and actually comes off as a bit pretentious. (no offense, honestly). I think that this is something close to your heart, and you don't need to clutter it with heavy wording and authors names.
I agree with a pirior postor when they said that this is like two great essays in one. Cut it down, and focus. Right now, its all over the place. I know this may sound harsh, which is odd because I actually like the essay. sorry!</p>

#9

<p>this line is repetitive:
"He let go. Yet, I felt even more excruciating pain when he did. Ironically, I felt worse when he let go." (the reader understands that you felt worse when he let go from the second sentence, thus the last line is neither necessary nor "ironic." consider a complete rephrase of the last sentence.)
like the others said- two great essays cobbled together does not an amazing essay make. stick with one and u should be good.</p>