<p>I’m so sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>My thoughts are of you and your family. Best of luck.</p>
<p>I’m also a therapist. You did not say what kind of meds. An antidepressant (needing to be taken daily and needing time to kick in) is different than a prescription for something to help you sleep on an especially bad night or an anti-anxiety medication that can be taken to take the edge off during an especially bad day. The “here is something you can take if you really, really need it” medication remains in your control and it can be reassuring to know it’s there. I completely understand reluctance to go on an antidepressant or certain anti-anxiety meds this soon after your loss.</p>
<p>Thanks for the ICE tip. I’m not sure I can do it, but with S coming home from college soon, I’m sure he could program it in all of our phones. Hang in there!</p>
<p>crabbylady - please, as others have suggested here, take good care of yourself. I would imagine that every day you feel overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done… eventually. I would also guess that you and your daughters are having some serious discussions about their return to school, since they are so far away. I’m sure they are worried about you, and visa versa. I think meeting with a therapist is wise to help sort through what your options are at a minimum, and what the pros and cons of each option are. Take each hour/day/week at a time and remember that flexibility is the key to surviving this. Do what you only absolutely need to do until you feel stronger to tackle other tasks. The last thing your daughters need to worry about is your getting run down and sick, especially if they’re planning on returning to school in January. It might make things easier for them if they know you’re taking care of yourself, and have a professional to guide you through this.</p>
<p>I feel my postings seems so wooden and inadequate online. We all do have a clue that our comfort ideas are rather small scale compared to the magnitude of the absence of your husband and the changes you must go through. </p>
<p>I am also married to an attorney. I hope your appointment with someone in that profession was not too bad yesterday! I also know from experience that a first appointment with a counselor can also feel quite dissonant and not very promising at first.</p>
<p>Please know I am thinking of you and I am sure everyone here is only interested in listening and letting you know we are thinking of you in the most heartfelt ways. Words cannot say.</p>
<p>Crabbylady,</p>
<p>I continue to pray for you and your family, and I appreciate your updates as that provides me specifics to pray for. I remember when my brother was killed suddenly in an auto accident a few years ago; to this day I catch myself wanting to pick up the phone and call him. And thank you for the ICE reminder. My 20-year old son was in a car accident Wed. night – thankfully he and the other driver are both okay – but I had not thought of telling my kids or husband to program ICE in their phones. I will do that today.
Also, I remember my sister-in-law saying that she had to sleep in a different place for a little bit, on the couch in the family room. She just couldn’t face the bedroom initially. I realize everyone is totally different; grief doesn’t come with a straight forward playbook. Hold on!</p>
<p>zebes</p>
<p>p.s. a bit of bookkeeping: Don’t do anything in too big a hurry. Take a moment to breathe. When my father-in-law passed away, my husband had to manage everything for his Mom. He listened to someone in their local bank who told my H that he needed to take his father’s name off their checking account. Assuming the person knew what they were talking about, my H did that. Then his dad received a couple of checks and we didn’t have any place to put them. Thankfully, h and his dad had same name so (ahem, I know) H could cash the checks and put them in his mother’s account. No harm no foul … exactly. But it made my husband realize the enormity of what he was doing and he became almost paralized for fear of making a wrong decision. He finally realized that he needed to slow down, get counsel if he didn’t know, and cut himself a break. Hard enough handling things when you know what you’re doing, but when you’re grieving and dealing with others who are grieving as well … the job’s not so straightforward.</p>
<p>crabbylady,</p>
<p>You may not be ready for sad music yet, and if so, please skip this. I was listening to my iPod and the song, “A Woman’s Heart” came on. I thought of you and wanted to share the song - so I found a version on you tube.</p>
<p>[YouTube</a> - Eleanor McEvoy - only a woman’s heart](<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjQP9931NhU]YouTube”>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjQP9931NhU)</p>
<p>From the lyrics…</p>
<p>The tears that drip
From my bewildered eyes
Taste of bitter sweet romance
You’re still in my hopes
You’re still on my mind, oh
And even though I manage on my own
My heart is low, my heart is so low
As only a woman’s heart can be</p>
<p>You and your daughters continue in my thoughts and prayers</p>
<p>Crabby Lady,</p>
<p>I continue to pray for you and the girls daily. Thank you for checking in.</p>
<p>I haven’t looked in the “Cafe” forum for several weeks, and I just read this thread for the first time this morning. crabbylady, I read the news articles about your husband and he sounds like he was a wonderful and caring man. I am very sorry for your (and your daughters’) loss. I wish you and your family strength and comfort in your memories of your husband, as you all work through this horrible tragedy.</p>
<p>Hang in there, Crabbylady. Our family is thinking of you during this difficult time.</p>
<p>Some people use Valerian (a herb) to help with sleep, and just keep the prescriptions on shelf as back-up for the most restless nights.</p>
<p>Crabbylady,
Your news took my breath away. Such a loss to you, your daughters, and the communities where you and he worked.</p>
<p>I have become a convert to the usefulness of appropriate prescription meds. Without a good night’s sleep, the challenges of the day are even tougher to handle.</p>
<p>Dear Crabbylady, I am so sorry for your loss! I also have just lost my dear husband of 27 years, who I dated for 10 years before that. I don’t know how to live without him, so I understand the depth of your grief. As if the sadness and lonely abyss is not bad enough, I worry greatly about my kids and how I will ever unravel the legal and financial mess. Like you, we didn’t have any advance notice to put our affairs in order. Like you, I probably haven’t slept for more than a few hours in a row since it happened. Please PM me if you would like to talk.</p>
<p>PS - Screaming did not help me.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry lkf.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your loss, lkf. Let us know if we can do anything…</p>
<p>Dear Crabbylady,</p>
<p>Again, and again, I am so sorry and I do think about you. While my husband is alive and well I am personally very aware of how stress can totally disrupt a life. Since I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, and with a few serious false alarms along the way I think that I can say that I know the hatred of silence (equals death) and the what ifs. I began taking 1/2 of a xanax at night (with the doctor’s approval of course). It is the only way that I sleep. To get myself to sleep (especially when my husband is downstairs working late) I take a pill and put on (with the auto shut off) the game show network and I listen to the old, What’s My Line and I’ve got a Secret. They are really interesting, but calming. (no loud noises, themes or banging). As much as I like Leno and the like they are too loud. </p>
<p>The dog solution is really a good one. We adopted (at different times) two adult dogs. And when I have trouble sleeping and my husband is working, the female “knows” and jumps on the bed to snuggle. It helps to feel her breathing next to me.</p>
<p>I have also used relaxation tapes. If you have trouble locating them in Alaska there is a store near me that has a full range. PM me if you want the name. </p>
<p>I wish you peace.</p>
<p>crabbylady, so sorry for your loss. When my brother died unexpectedly and left me as his personal representative, I had also never met with a lawyer before except when writing my own will. Our attorneys were an absolute godsend to us. There is so much to figure out, and they were so helpful and kind, and tough when we needed them to be with a difficult heir. Our estate was very complex, and is still open 3 years after his death (due to the tough housing market and several properties to sell). I have come to consider these attorneys dear friends. So if you aren’t happy or comfortable with the attorney you are seeing (I have no reason to think you aren’t happy, just saying), consider finding someone else. You may spend a considerable amount of time and money with them, and there are some very good ones out there.</p>
<p>lkf725, I am so sorry to hear that you, too, have recently lost your husband. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.</p>
<p>Thanks DeniseC, aibarr and Mary13. I don’t mean to hijack the thread, but you really do feel like you are completely alone when a spouse dies so I wanted to offer that I am also newly widowed. I feel as if the people on CC are almost like family, so I really appreciate your support!</p>
<p>Sincere condolences, lkf–
Although none of us really know one another, we all our connected here on CC at least in some little ways through our children and their college experiences. If we can offer each other a little bit of support, then all the better. Hang in there, you two.</p>