<p>They had one of those relationships where they would have hours long conversations that to my ears sounded like exclaiming " no, sh…? " back and forth.
He treated him more like he was an ex-girlfriend that he still had a crush on, while they were best friends since high school, he didn’t even tell him we were getting married, until he showed up at our door one summer Saturday morning, when we were getting ready to attend our wedding.</p>
<p>I may have found him interesting if they weren’t attached, but from my POV he was the person who aided and abetted my husbands addictions and of course that made me the ’ _itch’.</p>
<p>He lived in a rural community outside Seattle ( well it used to be rural), and had been on disabilty for years because of health problems. ( He is my age, but had juvenile diabetes w complications)This past weekend, a neighbor found him in the snow after an apparent diabetic coma. My husband is taking it very hard- but since we aren’t getting along- I am not real helpful. * I’m not being a _itch, just not overly solicitous*.</p>
<p>He came home from work early to get a phone call from his friends ex girl friends son, whom he raised ( not his).- I am just staying away- but I was wondering- what do you do when your sig other has friends you cannot stand?</p>
<p>It’s been ages but I always found being nice works best. Don’t put them in a position where they feel they have to defend friendship.
Sorry about what happened to the friend. Do try to be supportive, it will help you in the end. Do you want to be right or do you want to be married is my saying. You married for reason, he must be a good person you seem to be. Water finds it’s level, you’re good he must be also.<br>
L</p>
<p>no unfortunately he is actually dead. I knew his health was declining- but this was a surprise. A neighbor found him in the snow- the same day he died.</p>
<p>which particulary sad because his " son" who, he raised although not adopted or married his mother ( they haven’t been together for over 5 years) , as far as I know doesn’t have any legal ties to his estate ( or could he argue that his mom had a common law marriage?)- although hopefully he wrote a will.</p>
<p>His *son<a href=“who%20as%20far%20as%20I%20know%20wasn’t%20called%20by%20the%20neighbor”>/i</a> went over to his home for a regular visit, arrived to find the older mans brothers ( whom he was estranged from) , going through his things. He had been the oldest in the family and the one whom the wealthier relatives had left money to, so I imagine it will be a big mess if he didn’t leave a will/anyone knows where to find it. ( I think either both his parents are already deceased or the surviving parent has late stage Alzheimer’s) :(</p>
<p>As for how you fit into this…I’m sorry but I’m confused. You didn’t like the guy. Okay, now he’s dead. You don’t have to have liked someone to provide comfort for those who are grieving their death. Or do you feel like you do? </p>
<p>I’ve not been in the situation of not liking any of my husband’s close friends. However, I think it’s a little, well, odd to try to tackle that subject in the same thread where we are talking about a man who froze to death. I can’t quite explain why, it just doesn’t seem right.</p>
<p>I’m sure your H now realizes what a good deal he got instead of his friend’s life, so maybe the best thing to do is just be supportive and 'there" for your H, even if you couldn’t stand this guy.<br>
The friend’s family will have to sort out the legal stuff…what a mess and what a reminder to us all to make sure stuff is in writing.</p>
<p>*As for how you fit into this…I’m sorry but I’m confused. You didn’t like the guy. Okay, now he’s dead. You don’t have to have liked someone to provide comfort for those who are grieving their death. Or do you feel like you do? *</p>
<p>No it isn’t that I feel like I have to be solicitous- and I can be sorry & I am, without making casseroles for the family ( which is what I usually do).</p>
<p>Its more that I was more or less going to move out, last night in fact, except for the sudden snowstorm- because H is not happy unless everyone else is miserable. ( I think it is inherited ) Which of course isn’t a new thing, but it’s taken me this long to realize that, that isn’t my fault, and even longer to realize that there are other ways to live.</p>
<p>I am just staying away- but I was wondering- what do you do when your sig other has friends you cannot stand?</p>
<p>When addictions are involved, it’s completely different than if you just don’t like the person, think he’s boring or rude, or whatever. In this case, it sounds like your husband is coping with the loss of his friend as well as the tragic circumstances of his death. Part of your husband’s youth died along with this man. For now, maybe you can try to tone down any negative comments you might be tempted to voice about the friend, tempting as that may be. Certainly your husband is well aware that you didn’t like the guy and thought he was a bad influence. Keep an eye out for the ways your husband chooses to cope with the situation… any triggers… guilt over how he could have been more helpful to the friend or could have been more involved in his life… suddenly becoming close to the “son” or taking him in even if they weren’t close before…getting pulled into the messy family dynamic… Good luck.</p>
<p>I think there are ways you can be respectful of your husband’s grief, without neglecting your own needs. You do need to set some boundaries, and not because you didn’t like the guy, but because you are both extremely vulnerable right now.</p>
<p>So yea, one of my younger patients I’m seeing now (she’s a couple of years younger than me) has a husband who is filing for divorce this week. I’m sure there are two sides to their story, but whenever you feel awkward about what you should and shouldn’t do, remember the continuum - at least you’re not filing for divorce while your husband is on hospice.</p>
<p>* least you’re not filing for divorce while your husband is on hospice.*</p>
<p>That would be awful- all the way around.
I guess we are at the age however- when things change- the kids grow up & you say " who the heck are you?"- our parents become even more demanding & buying a sports car just doesn’t have the same cachet that it used to. ( I would buy a horse but where would I put it?)</p>
<p>I do know a very religious woman in my sisters family ( LDS) who divorced her husband after he was found to have a brain tumor. His behavior apparently changed quite a bit- but it surprised me.</p>
<p>But I decided I really don’t want to be one of those women whose life gets better after her husband dies. I know a few- who are in their 70’s or ( much) older & while it is gratifying to see them enjoy themselves, it is also poignant to watch- cause you can only do so much when you fall asleep after dinner. ( or during)</p>
<p>I was just talking to an old friend, been good friends for over 30 years, grew up together, and she said she is waiting for her husband to die so she can enjoy herself. I still remember how in love she was and the obstacles she overcame to marry him. Sigh.</p>
<p>Whatever the future brings, I hope it works out for the best.</p>
<p>Emeraldkity4, I am so sorry for you. Making a decision to leave usually comes from many years of thought before it finally comes to fruition. It sound like your husband’s friend really had no life and your husband provided all that was lacking. No matter what has happened in the past, a person has died that your hubby had a longterm relationship, so it is natural that he would take it hard. You are in no way in obligation to like any of your family, husband, kids, etc’s friends. You may opt to be peripherally supportive in the sense that you choose to remain silent about your feelings towards the friend and just be the ear.
Before you go, I always say to my own friends that entertain the idea of leaving, that you have to earn your way out of a marriage and that means exhausting all avenues to repair a marriage. But if all has been done and there is nothing left to do or it is dangerous to stay in a marriage, by all means exit. Please take care of yourself and all the best to you.</p>
<p>I am sorry you are in this difficult situation. If you are the least bit unsure of your decision and there is a chance you and H may reconcile, then my recommendation is for you to be as supportive as possible. If you reconcile, your H’s recollection of that support could be healing. If you choose to reconcile, your H’s recollection of your lack of support could be equally as damaging.</p>
<p>I agree with MilkandSugar ^^, but I would also add that your husband is someone you have a long history with, children together, etc., and IMHO it would be cruel and selfish to move out right now. Give him a few weeks to absorb the news of his friend’s death and to get used to that idea. There is no “deadline” for when you must leave.</p>
<p>There’s also a nano-chance that, without this friend around, you’ll like your hubby more. Maybe.</p>
<p>EK, I’m sorry you’re going through this. As I posted on the gratitude thread, my husband spent most of 2008 figuring out where to go with our 23 year marriage. We were on the cusp of separating, as well, and had the details all worked out, but ultimately decided to give it one more try. Being so close and both understanding how close we really were to ending our marriage proved a watershed for us. We’re working on it and had a magnificent Christmas. It is very fragile, but we can both see the pain of being out of each other’s lives. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best and if you ever need someone to “talk” to, I’m available! If I could make one tiny suggestion it would be to step back and wait till your husband is back on his feet before making a permanent change.</p>
I still remember how in love she was and the obstacles she overcame to marry him. Sigh.</p>