My Jealousy is Getting Out of Hand. Please Help!

College Confidential Community
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[It’s long but please read it]

I’ve met a friend 3 years ago when I was a freshman in college, and let’s call him Friend B.
Throughout the years, Friend B and I have become very close friends. We study together, do things together, even share the room together. I have close friends my whole life, but those friendships are nothing compared to the one I have with Friend B because we have been through so much together. And he’s really the one that I feel the most comfortable telling things to.

At the beginning of the year, I’ve noticed my sentiments towards him has slowly transformed into a kind of jealousy. Since we spent so much time together, I’ve started to compare myself to him unconsciously. Other friends and people might not notice this but it’s very obvious to me that Friend B is better than me on so many things. He excels in school. He always wins when he comes to sports. He beats me every single time on video games…I’m fully aware that this kind of jealousy is not healthy, but it has grown to the extent that I could barely even keep it in check.

My jealousy has become MUCH worse when I found out that he’s way more popular than me in our friend group.

For instance, I’ve organized a birthday dinner a while ago, and Friend D (a mutual friend of ours) showed up late. When he saw me, he simply gave me a pat on the shoulder and said “Happy Birthday man!” and immediately proceeded to sit next to Friend B. They didn’t stop talking throughout the night, and completely left me out. Like, wow, it’s my birthday. At least show that you care a little…

Also, I’ve noticed other friends would tend to ask Friend B to do things with them far more than me. It’s not that they don’t like to spend time with me, but I am just never their first choice. It’s starting to look like I’m always the “tag along” guy…

Little things like these give me the impression that the friendship that I have with Friend B is not as important as I thought to be. I might call him “THE best bud”, but he would call 10 other friends his “best buds” too. Not only I’ve become unreasonably jealous of his other friendships, but I’ve also started questioning my self-worth to other people. I always ask myself, what are the things that he has that I do not have??

I’ve noticed that my jealousy was getting out of hand when it gradually became an emotional problem…I started to have some (really slight) suicidal and self-harm thoughts. I understand that it’s important for me to talk to someone about this, but I’ve yet to do so because it’s absolutely EMBARRASSING for a guy to say that he’s jealous of a friend.

It’s why I came here. Am I just overthinking this whole thing? Am I just being too possessive of Friend B? Should I even talk to him about this? Please help me out. Thanks

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Instead of being jealous, why not try to more like him? Try to actively socialize more, study better to improve your grades, etc. Look at him for motivation and inspiration instead of simply being jealous and not doing anything.

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You need to talk this over with a professional counselor.

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I agree with justonedad- speak to a professional. Don’t talk to your friend about it- I can’t imagine it would do anything but make your friendship even more strained but please don’t be embarrassed about this. It’s not an uncommon or strange feeling to be jealous of someone who seems to have everything fall into place. Discussing these feelings with an experienced professional will allow you to figure out how you can feel better about yourself in a safe and confidential space. Please don’t beat yourself up over this but do take action!

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Thank you all for the comments! I really appreciate them!

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I strongly disagree. You are not him; u are u. If u try to be someone you’re not, it’s a burden to maintain a facade. It’s a recipe for stress.

After all the peer pressure to conform in high school, the MOST important lesson u should get out of college is being confident in just being u. Confidence is the most powerful quality that other people find attractive. Emotional clinginess is a turnoff.

I do agree that u should seek professional counselling. I also think u should try to segue into other activities that don’t involve this same circle of friends all the time (i.e. clubs were u can meet people with similar passions, where the focus of the group is on the passion rather than on a particular person).

I also think u should stop sharing a room w friend B.

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I agree with GMT. Be confident, and learn to be independent… you will be much happier when you live life the way you want to live it.

Take up some personal hobbies. Explore your interests… Learn to entertain yourself. That’s the real key to happiness (and confidence), in my opinion.