My "killer" paragraph for HAAS-is it enough?

Transfer Students UC Transfers
1

<p>So this paragraph in my personal statement is going to be the key factor in my application as there is no way I will be able to outshine the other HAAS applicants with my 3.75 GPA. Furthermore, I still have 2 major pre-reqs left to take in the Spring. Will my internship experience (see below) be enough to get me in or will most of the HAAS applicants still outshine me in this criteria? </p>

<pre><code>“While this will be my future, it is also, to an extent, my present. I recently worked with the Green Lifestyles Film Festival as a marketing intern. In this job, I prepared the business model for the Green Lifestyles Network, a networking concept for green professionals, and this process piqued my interest in green business. I created a social media strategy for the project, upped the website traffic, and was responsible as well for teaching others to connect with the online community. As a result of my efforts, our Facebook traffic grew 81%. My success in this position showed me that this field, for which I have such a passion, is also one in which I can excel. The business world will eventually need to find a way to bring smart business economics and sustainability together. The Green Lifestyles Network will be a part of that, and I want my future endeavors to be as well.”
</code></pre>

<p>P.S. If anyone who is experienced with UC admissions wants to read my whole essay, feel free to PM me. I’ve worked really hard on it. :)</p>

2

<p>mike, your paragraph sound great overall. It was nice of you to share with us, but be careful. ^^</p>

3

<p>Thanks man. Yeah, I know it’s risky, but I won’t have it on here for long.</p>

<p>Sent from my HTC Glacier using CC App</p>

4

<p>Maybe you should say “at this job” instead of “in this job”. But I’m not sure. Otherwise it sounds great!</p>

5

<p>i would change the word ‘eventually’ to something like ‘undoubtedly’. I’ve learned ‘soft’ language when trying to persuade like ‘sometimes, maybe, perhaps,…etc’ does not contribute to convincing the audience all that much… just a suggestion :P</p>

6

<p>Sweet comments guys. Thanks!</p>

<p>Sent from my HTC Glacier using CC App</p>

7

<p>yo mike i would be sure to correct some of the many comma splices before you send the app, overall id say its a good paragraph but it still lacks the hook. The main thing Schools look for is following the prompt instructions. Have someone look over it, its still got errors but the thesis is there.</p>

8

<p>how serious are comma errors and grammatical errors?</p>

9

<p>You’re content is great but you could improve the paragraph in terms of additional details that give insight as you as a person. Slight tweak by adding a couple of “personal statements” if you get what I mean.</p>

10

<p>Not too serious they mainly look for the thesis " main point" of the prompt and make sure you follow it, without putting too much crap to make you look good; as they get several thousand PS a year.</p>