My lesson from Exeter

Prep School Admissions
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<p>First off, I wanted to say that this is my very first post. I joined this site when I looked up “How to get accepted into Phillips Exeter Academy”, and I was led to this community site. While I was reading the thread that I had been led to, I got a feeling this was the site where I would be helped sincerely.
I am going to tell a story now, so if you don’t like stories, please do press that back button and not leave hurtful comments please.</p>

<p>Background Info: I’m Asian. (Explains most things about me.) I live in Los Angeles, CA. Not the richest, but not the poorest either. Been taking piano lessons for 9 years until I quit 3 years ago. Current 8th grade at a public school. Figure Skater, never went in competitions though. (But this is the sport I love most and want to pursue.) Playing flute for 4 years, currently on hiatus, playing in my free time. (Again, no awards. Yet.) Math Olympiads Highest Individual Score 3 years ago (not important, but Im proud of it.) President’s Award 3 years ago when graduating elementary (not important but still, I like saying this, makes me feel important.). Assorted collection of Awards from basketball, water polo, junior lifeguards, piano, and synchronized swimming. (embarrassing to say, most of them are “most improved player” awards. :S)</p>

<p>So while I was applying to the Ten Schools (you know what they are) I got lazy and the only application I completed was Exeter. I didn’t take any SSAT prep classes, or tried studying hard. I did take the ISEE to see what it was like, since they are similar. When the results came, I thought I did pretty good. 78%. Yeah, as a fresh 8th grader, I was proud to be that score with a test taken by up to 12th graders. But that was only my fantasy. Because I didn’t take up to reality. I knew straight As were a given, and since I had straight As and taking the highest honors classes, I thought I was in. I wrote an essay that I myself was very proud of. My English teacher told me he didn’t believe I wrote it because it was so good. So there I was, full of myself, so sure that I was a future Exonian. The more I saw the video I was sent, the more I looked through the courses booklet, I felt getting more and more absorbed in the thought that I would be packing soon and taking my flight to New Hampshire. My transcripts were sent, and I had my whole future planned out. I would go to Exeter, be in the Harkness Table. Find my true inner strengths academically. Study French (because I am self-taught, but I suck) and Animal Behaviour. Go to M.I.T. to study medics for animals. Get a license. Go to Harvard. Study law. Get degree. Have a job in the Supereme court doing cool juries on Animal Rights. Even though I was 14, I had the brain of a 5-year old. This “plan” I had was equivalent to my cousin’s “I wanna be a princess” future. But I never realized this till the admission decision email. Yep, got turned down. Not even waitlisted. I can translate their “I am very sorry but honored…” to “Arrogant fool, you think this is a joke? We are THE rich people school. Go away.” Haha, I was pretty stricken. I dropped my phone (i was reading the email from it) and bawled. This was in my house, at night. I went to my parent’s room, and mom tried to console me. Didn’t work, so went to the roof of my 12 story building, and cried, looking at the moon. I didn’t know why I was crying, the shock was still settling in. Since this was thursday evening, I went to school the following Friday. I went in my pajamas, all depressed. When my friends did the usual “are you okay” rounds was when everything finally sunk in. My future, my plans, shattered. No alternate paths. Nothing in front of me, no more stepping stones. For the whole week I cried myself to sleep. But I know that this experience had matured me. If I were to be really accepted, I would never have tried my best, do things the easy way. In all honesty, I suck up to my teachers, never really study for tests, and I never did try my best for my applications. I was pushed to try harder, and I set a new goal, graduate in AT LEAST the top 10% in my middle school. I am actually going to open a book and study. I was blessed with a talent for memorizing things, but I never really used it. When I read in CC about the girl who was the class president of 900 students, captain of VA volleyball team, 99% on SSAT, I sank more into self-regret. Can you see how ashamed I would be? A mere straight A student, not trying hard, and proud of 78%. No awards, no captain, nada. I’m in yearbook, for goodness sake! So this is my review on my non-acceptance into Exeter. As they say, a blessing in disguise. I will try again to Exeter, apply to other schools with it, and actually complete applications. I also want to admit, my applications were completed a few days after the deadline, because there was a delay in transcripts. I am going to be a better and renovated applicant, someone who actually tried their BEST. Not have stupid fantasies about doing things the easy way. I am going to win awards, and be the best of best, not “good enough”. So this was my share on Exeter Admissions.</p>

<p>P.S. I would like to sincerely apologize to all the other applicants out there, to have someone as low as me be competeng with them. I promise in the future, I will be a worthy enough opponent.</p>

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<p>Great story! First of all, you don’t need to blame yourself as many qualified applicants are not accepted due to limited number of spots. You have great stats and I’m sure you will have a positive outcome next year if you widen your net a bit. Good luck and hope to see you in the BS circuit next year. Btw, you can accomplish your goals of becoming a SC Justice or whatever without having to go to a BS at all.</p>

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<p>I am sorry. However you seem so self motivated, I recommend reapplying. I applied last year and got w/l and this year things turned out for the better so I am sure you can do it.</p>

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<p>Don’t beat yourself up too much. As you state, maybe it is a blessing in disguise, because you now realize you want to live up to your potential and have no regrets in the future.</p>

<p>At the same time, there were probably many kids with exactly your stats who did get in. Keep in mind, you can do everything right and still not get in because it’s still very subjective. Kids with hooks or wanted athletes and musicians get in first, then the rest, well is pretty subjective…</p>

<p>I think the real lesson is not to gauge your self worth by an acceptance or rejection. You’re pretty cool the way you are and I am sure you have a lot to offer any BS or college. Good luck in the future.</p>

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<p>@harimeexD - If you truly start working hard and applying yourself now, the rest of the story may not be a fairytale. I mean, I’m certainly not convinced that becoming a Supreme Court justice is realistic, but in 4 years, MIT is still very much a possibility. From there, who knows? </p>

<p>4 years ago, I applied to only three boarding schools: Deerfield, Phillips, and Lawrenceville. I was wait-listed at all three, and I don’t even remember writing a follow-up letter. I was just convinced that my chances at the Ivy League were completely shot, since I knew that 4 years later, I’d be competing against the same people that I competed against for boarding school admission. But now, as a current high school senior with college acceptances in hand, I can safely tell you that going to a top boarding school is certainly not the only way to get into colleges similar to MIT, etc. (Which should be obvious, but it wasn’t obvious to me when I was in 8th grade.)</p>

<p>Do <em>not</em> give up your ambitions. Just do the hard work that you’ll need to make your dreams into reality, and in 4 years, you’ll see how much you improved.</p>

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<p>@Z.Exodus2008</p>

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<p>Outstanding post! If this were twitter I’d be retweeting it every day!</p>

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<p>Thank you everyone for being so inspirational and comforting. I will try my hardest, and I’m definitely changing. I don’t have the attitude I had before… I’m going to throw myself into extra curriculars, and everything, and don’t spare time at all. Just gotta be careful to see that I actuall walk the talk, though. I won’t be “good enough” anymore, that’s for slackers. Funny though, the me before all this seems so younger, I feel like I grew up so much.</p>

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<p>As a parent of an unsuccessful (and rather crushed) applicant to Exeter, Andover and St Paul’s, let me tell you that it’s not just you kids who can be naive about this whole process!</p>

<p>It seems to me that the places go to two types of student: the truly exceptional (from whatever background), and those whose parents know the system. These are parents who, first of all, have the resources to pay without requesting financial aid. Despite the whole needs-blind declarations, more than half of the students at Exeter pay full tuition. How can the student body represent society as a whole if more than half of them come from families who can afford $42,000 a year for high school? Even if the schools are genuinely not looking at finance when making their selections, they still manage to pick the “right types of kids,” the majority of whom are from pretty wealthy backgrounds.</p>

<p>Our son applied along with 2 good friends from his middle school. Their only true edge over him was that they were better soccer players than him; he is academically slightly ahead of one of them, and well ahead of the other. BUT their parents specifically declined to apply for financial aid. The smarter of the two got offers from all of Exeter, SPS and Andover. The other got an offer from Andover (as a legacy, admittedly). Our son got rejected by Exeter and SPS, and waitlisted by Andover (we’re not holding our breath!).</p>

<p>I know this can sound like sour grapes, but I genuinely believe it is naive to think selection is blind to your financial status. When we attended an Andover open day a few months ago, they clearly said that one practice they would view very negatively was an applicant requesting financial aid after initially stating they didn’t require it. I can understand that that might mess up their budgeting, but if they were truly needs-blind they wouldn’t need to ask about money until AFTER the decisions!</p>

<p>Don’t get me wrong, I think all the students selected are worthy of their places at these schools. I think I saw somewhere that Andover said 75% of its applicants were academically capable of attending, but they could only take less than one fifth of those. Unless you are a super-achiever, your family circumstances will strongly influence your chance of selection.</p>

<p>There is more to “knowing the system” than just money, of course. If you read through these boards you will realize that there is an art to applying to top schools, often known best to private feeder schools. I am sure that if you apply again, you will seek out every piece of advice you can!</p>

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<p>Good point.</p>

<p>But Andover is the only one of the three schools that you mentioned that claims to be need blind. Neither Exeter nor SPS make that claim. As a matter of fact, Exeter even says on its website that those applying for aid may be in a more competitive pool.</p>

<p>It goes far beyond just checking a box for FA, though. The things that prep schools value so highly in kids often come with a hefty price tag. I know that they all say that they read an application with the opportunities the kid has available in mind, but at the end of the day, the kid who has been able to do XYZ because their parents could afford it, or because they lived close enough for it to be viable will get the spot. My own kid will continue to do everything that is available to her, as limited as it may be, but she’ll never be able to compete with kids from more affluent areas or who come from large suburban schools that have competitive ECs like MathCounts or Robotics, Speech and Debate, etc. or even more “basic” things like school newspapers, quiz bowls, or honors classes.</p>

<p>So back to firebird’s post - not only are the schools not blind to financial need in regard to the ability to pay tuition; they are also not blind to lack of resources at home in the years preceeding the application.</p>

<p>There is only so much that an applicant has control over. At some point, we parents have to say, “ah well…” and do the best that we can.</p>

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<p>@Firebird</p>

<p>Having gone through the prep school admissions process this year for the first time, I admit it was a steep learning curve for the whole family. CC was very educational. Here are a few things that were eye-opening:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Do not underestimate the competition. At a recent revisit day to a GLADCHEMMS school, I saw athletes with junior national experience. County championship pales in comparison. Assuming that ~60,000 students take SSAT every year, there are 6,000 scores of 90 percentile and above. Even if we take out half (for repeat test takers and those who do not appy to HADES (we did not w/ >95 percentile)), there are 3,000 applicants to GLADCHEMMS with >90 SSAT. There are not enough spots for everybody.</p></li>
<li><p>Your school’s track record matters. If a middle school regularly sends its students to a prep school and those students perform well, future applicants from the school would be considered favorably.</p></li>
<li><p>Humility is important. Most applicants are high achievers. But schools do not want classes full of arrogant kids. It should not be “I am the best kid”, but “my parents, teachers and school helped me excel” attitude. </p></li>
<li><p>Passion for hard work should shine through. As the OP said that everything was easy, so hard work was not required. With their curricula, prep schools will rapidly take you to the point where without hard work, failure would be guaranteed. </p></li>
<li><p>About 50% of kids at most prestigious schools get FA. That is great. Others pay, but as far as I know family wealth and intelligence have never been negatively correlated. Quite the contrary. Money helps but not that much more. Plenty of excellent FP applicants get outright rejections.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>As you state Firebird 96, there is an art to applying and there are factors beyond the FA and child having “wow” credentials, like legacy and knowing perhaps what schools need to fill their programs, or even a leg up because an applicant went to a feeder school.</p>

<p>It’s not enough BION (Believe it or not) just to be superbly smart and overachieving, if you’re unhooked. Almost all who apply are superstars, so who gets in? I believe it is parents who know the system, what the school wants to see on an app, geography, legacy, and feeder school apps that have a time tested relationship with the top boarding schools.</p>

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<p>I am so proud of you, that you discovered something I only found much later in life. What I do see a lack of, even now is a genuine passion. The students who are school presidents, have amazing awards and such…are nice but they are not the kids who go to MIT. MIT would like to see a genuine love and passion for learning. I am happy you enjoy ice skating for sake of it, and not for awards. However, MIT is an academic school, and it perhaps is time to discover your passion and go well beyond the normal student in terms of passion and dedication to this subject, preferable STEM, if not, then go for a LAC school, :)</p>

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<p>Well I stand corrected regarding Exeter and SPS being need-blind! I remember Exeter being need-blind in the past, and had totally missed where it had abandoned the policy because of financial constraints. Like I said, I’m NOT one of the expert parents! And I guess SPS never was…</p>

<p>When our son got a 98th percentile on the SSAT I naively thought he was a sure thing. But there is more to it than that.</p>

<p>And, to be clear, I don’t think these schools accept dumb kids because they are rich (whatever you may think about GWB!). I think the kids from wealthier backgrounds tend to be better prepared, which is what money buys you. Like HarimeexD, we are certainly not poor, but we ARE people who are one paycheck away from problems. Andover told us that not one student had had to quit there despite the fallout from the financial crisis, but that tells me they are probably careful in that they tend to pick families who are financially secure…</p>

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<p>^Regarding that, they may not be dumb, but there is a plethora of mediocre kids who excel in sports, and because they are more well to do, they can get better training from qualified instructors at a really young age.</p>

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<p>@Kunathah:</p>

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<p>Not entirely accurate since arts, language and music are strong there and it is possible to get an Art&Design degree (little known). MIT’s application pool is filled with students passionate about STEM - so what helps separate the pack are those students who have other passions and are more well rounded. The days of the “supernerd” have waned. It is possible to be academically smart and passionate about arts and or sports. They have, on occasion, admitted students who were both brilliant and working out for the Olympics (or playing in an orchestra, etc.)</p>

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<p>This won’t help, because I know there is some sense that parents with loads of cash and/or who know how to navigate the system do better than those who don’t. But that’s not entirely true - as evidenced by the fact that the schools turn down legacies and rich kids in great numbers. </p>

<p>Also - while need blind for some is the goal (Exeter stopped when the endowment took a hit) it’s important to understand that for most schools, the annual budget is $20,000 MORE than the stated tuition. Exeter’s budget is approx $65,000 per student. An alum provides the funding for every student’s personal computers, and the alumni network provides the vast majority of funding towards an endowment. When Exeter realized that they were getting only full scholarship students or trust fund/full pays they started a specific endowment aimed at the middle class. It was such a popular concept it was fully funded more than a year earlier than scheduled. Those donations came from alum - many of whom have children who were subsequently declined. In the meantime newspaper articles about the “free under $75,000” policy caused applications to rise because it put the school in reach to those who would never have considered it before.</p>

<p>It hurts to be declined. I know. I almost didn’t write my annual donation check the year my daughter was turned down. But I realized that someone, somewhere had made it possible for me to go. And I’d do the same for someone else’s child.</p>

<p>So the issue about FA is hurtful to those of us who post or lurk on the boards (I know - the conversation extends offline) because it doesn’t take into account that parents and former students donate a lion share of the aid - and full pay students carry the brunt of the financial load.</p>

<p>It’s simply not possible to run a school with 1,110 students (or less in the case of smaller schools) where the student body reflects the economic distribution of the US. 1% of the nation holds the majority of the wealth. So the reality is the full pays are carrying much of the load for the school which is why they have more leverage. They make it possible for the ones on FA to go.</p>

<p>But it is also clear, as I’ve spoken with parents over the last few months, that a lot of middle class families did get aid - enough to make the stretch. There are more “partial aid” families on the roster than full scholarship kids. Many are first-timers who didn’t know the system any better than other parents. Many are taking out loans or installment plans to make ends meet - a sacrifice for sure. Many looking for more than what they can get locally - a place for their child to fully explore his/her potential among like-minded, motivated peers.</p>

<p>Last year I thought the system sucked and was angry. Then I watched my D, who had more perspective, shake it off and try again.</p>

<p>This year we are stretched financially. But tight as things are, I’ll still write the alumni check to a school that turned my D down because the money lets someone else’s child benefit from the same education I received decades ago. Maybe someone on this board.</p>

<p>Wishing the best for all the parents and students here still waiting in the wings and hoping the journey, rough as it is, leads them to something marvelous down the road.</p>

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<p>Thanks! :D</p>

<p>It is hurtful though, when AOs tell me that my d should do X,Y and Z to strengthen her application and I don’t have the means to give her those opportunities - either because they are simply unavailable, or I can’t afford them.</p>

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<p>@harimeexD. </p>

<p>Your initial post was an AMAZING essay which showed your introspection and great humility. If you decide to try BS application again next year, you might consider submitting that essay as as a very sensitive and uplifting example of how you failed at something important, learned from it, dusted yourself off, then had the courage to try again. </p>

<p>Good luck to you!</p>

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<p>@neato</p>

<p>I cannot presume to know your circumstances and sincerely hope your daughter gets off the WLs.</p>

<p>But as someone who came from a country compared to which US seems like a cornucopia of opportunities, I would suggest that there is always a place for creating new opportunities. When my son first joined little league baseball and soccer league, I realized the effort and time coaches put in. I decided to give back my forming my own team so that more kids could participate. All it took was some initiative from me. Similarly I started a new activity at my children’s school so that I could share my passion for it with other children. Someone I know started a local student chapter of an international non-profit; it helped her children with community service experience and has continued to help others over the years.</p>

<p>There are so many parents who are in the same boat. Start something new and they will all jump in, many will help while others will be there just for the ride!! But I can assure you that creating an opportunity for your kids will be rewarding beyond just school and college admissions.</p>

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<p>This is one of the best threads I’ve read on CC - a couple of takeaways:</p>

<p>The application process is much like life in that we learn about ourselves along the way and are given plenty of opportunity to look back with regret and/or forward with new-found dreams and determination.</p>

<p>The process is more or less ‘fair’ depending on one’s perspective. My own view is that it is more fair than many other things in this world.</p>

<p>Best wishes to everyone here …</p>