My MIT Essay B... How does it look?

<p>Hey everyone, I'm applying EA to MIT and this is what i came up with after many tried. Can you tell what you think about it?
Essay B:</p>

<h2>An application to MIT is much more than a set of test scores, grades and activities. It's often a reflection of an applicant's dreams and aspirations, dreams shaped by the worlds we inhabit. We'd like to know a bit more about your world. Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?</h2>

<pre><code> On a gloomy monsoon day, I was returning home from school. The wet ground was full of puddles and earthworms of all shapes and sizes crawled around. I was coming home early because the monsoon was out of control: several strong trees had collapsed and the roads were flooded. Half of my gum-boots were filled with the rain water and as I walked I could hear the dripping sound as more water accumulated in my rubber gum-boots. As i got to my house, I held the blue water bottle that was hanging around my neck and emptied the water out of it. Then i took the mails and ran up to my apartment. Ofcourse all this time i had my umbrella with me, but did not use it since I loved getting wet and playing in the rain.
As i got home, I took a warm shower and was excited and couldn't wait to get along with my friends. There were many things to do: Pingpong, Monopoly, Cards, Videogames, and the list goes on. But wait, I faced something that changed my entire day... it was the biggest surprise of my life. My dad told me that we would be immigrating to America.
Fast forwarding ten months, it was 11:30 AM and I was at the JFK airport. Throughout the flight, I kept thinking of what I had left behind: friends, relatives, teachers, childhood neighborhood, and almost everything I had until the age thirteen. In fact, I also had to leave behind my paintings, science projects, and the cricket bat because of weight constraints... those airlines. Anyway, I got out of the airport and sat in the car. I saw wide stretches of roads with freely moving traffic without pan-handlers, and fast food restaurants were everywhere. Although the day was sunny, there were periodical cool breezes which kept the temperature cold. I felt as if even hundred jackets wouldn't keep me warm. At this point, I knew I wasn't dreaming... I was in America!
Everything in America seemed extremely convenient, for example those rectangular boxes such as microwave, big screen TV's and dishwashers which made everyday activities easier. It looked like a land of paradise until I began high school. This is when the true test began. During the first week, I was once playing baseball with others in the Gym class. Baseball is very similar to cricket in ways that you hit the ball and run. Thats exactly what I did except, I kept on running to the bases with the bat in my hand, which is what I was used to because of cricket. Everyone was confused and yelled and the same time and I had over twenty sets of eyes staring at me. Eventually, I realized what I was doing and although it was funny, I was embarrassed. Although many things were common to kids here, they weren't very common to me. From then on, I realized that I would have to work harder to prevent such incidences from happening again. I looked up and learned the lecture materials beforehand so that I could participate and answer the teachers question. I turned this into a habit and overtime I became confident and no longer had any trouble expressing my opinion or speaking up. I started becoming bold, strong, and confident outside but when I came home, my world was different. My interaction with parents was completely different than with others; it was like living in a different world. The language, the way of talking, topic of discussion, and the food were all different corresponding to the indian culture. Eventually, I have now learned to blend the two cultures together by emulating the best of both. The experiences have graphed an unique personality for me which is not all American or all indian but a mix.


<p>Comments: The essay is not complete, I still have to get to my main point about the dream and aspiration. I know its kind of verbose and long but i have to cut it down. My main point that i want to get across but dont know how is that I moved here.. faced challenges... it was hard but overcame them... goal was to learn as much as i could... and dream since a kid was to become a doctor for which i moved here since i would have more opportunities.
I can include my biotechnology camp, medical internship, and 4 years of hospital volunteer if needed. Another problem is that my writing gets too boring too read and i use too many "I"
Thanks a lot guy, i need to send the essay in soon... help!</p>

<p>bump..... anoyone?</p>