My mom is over controlling and its really out of control

Parent Cafe
21

When you get back to school, go to the health center and see a counsellor about how you are feeling. Your friend just can’t see what the fuss is over s ballgame and thinks it is over the top.

When you get to school, tell your parents you will call every day at x, and text in the AM and PM, but you have to set a boundary bc it Interferes with study time. Maybe you will FaceTime before bed so they know you are not partying. On the weekends, same thing. You need to be hitting the library and can’t keep coming home, but you will follow the same phone/text schedule.

Try your best to set a boundary by pre-empting their calls and worries.

22

There are mental health services at your university. There also are free (or very inexpensive) mental health services available in your community. Yes, you can access these things without it showing up on your parents’ medical insurance. Do that.

Depending on your major, you might have too many projects to work on during the weekends to ever go home. You also could get a job that has hours on the weekends. That would be a good thing - you’d make money for your expenses, you’d gain some more work experience, and you’d be too busy to go home.

Your dad sounds like the level-headed one. I’d say call him when you want to speak with a parent, and just text your mom multiple times each day. Heck, you probably can program your phone to do that for you.

23

Yeah my dad is a bit more with the flow. He figures if it past maybe 10:30 he’ll just ask me when I am coming home and thats it. He doesnt really try to plead me to come home unless its really late like midnight

24

As others have said, you are in an awkward position, whether I agree totally with what others have said or not, the reality is as a college student you are dependent on your parents, which is why it is awkward. Barring trying to pay for school on your own would be difficult, schools like Purdue are not cheap and “working your way” through an expensive private school these days is getting to be less and less possible,sorry, with tuition, room and board at 60k a year, even assuming your are legally liberated from your parents support, and get financial aid, it still would be very hard to do (when I was going to school, you probably could, even though I went to an expensive private university, even given the difference in salaries, it was a lot more possible back then).

Before you went to school and ‘ran wild’ or whatnot, how did your parents treat you? Were they very controlling back then, did they always want to know where you were, etc? Or did this happen after you went off the rails a bit? The reason I ask is something you wrote hit a chord (discord?) with me, that they expect you to go home every weekend. Did this, too, happen after you had your issues, or was this like this before? While a parent has the right to set the rules for their children, if they demanded that before you got into trouble, that to me would be a sign they are having trouble letting go of control; likewise if they expected you to call in every hour if you were out as a high school kid, especially past 16 or 17, it would be a sign of things not quite right to me…not that it really matters, while I personally believe that as a parent there are boundaries with using things like paying tuition and school as leverage, it is a reality that parents do that.

If you think that most of this happened after ‘the incident’, then it is your parents reacting (or overreacting) to what happened (reacting or overreacting is a point of view thing), it is about trust, and that is very easily broken and not easily repaired, just read up sometime what happens when a spouse cheats and the aftermath.

Okay, so what can you do? I personally think your parents are a bit over the top, I don’t think constantly having to check in like that is necessarily a rational reaction to what is going on, but I also don’t know the entire story of what happened. All I can tell you is what I, as a parent, would expect from my S if something similar happened (and believe me, there is nothing worse as a parent when your kid is seemingly slipping up, and there isn’t a lot you can do about it, or think you can’t, you’ll understand it someday with your own kids,if you have them, and while you may react more calmly or sanely (in your opinion), you still will feel it, I promise you) is signs from him of taking responsibility and acting like an adult, not a kid pouting (and I am not saying you are, talking about a hypothetical).

First of all, I think you need to talk to your parents, negotiate with them. If your issues happened a while ago and you have been on the straight and narrow, then point that out to them, and negotiate based on that. For example, with going out, if it were my son I would want to know when he was going out, and also when he thought he was going to return, and that if he was going to be late, to me that is perfectly fair. If you otherwise have been responsible since your screw up, if it has been a year or year and a half since you went wild, then point that out, and tell them you think you have demonstrated responsibility, and show them how. If you have an internship and are working, that is proof, and so should a clean track record since the hard times. Maybe set up a trial run, tell them if you go out, on top of letting them know when you are going out and when you expect to return, that you’ll check in during the night to let them know you are okay, maybe text a couple of times. I realize it is grating, but maybe with that they’ll relent, then you can work towards proving you’ll be okay. If you go out several times and nothing bad happens, maybe they’ll let you go out in peace.

Likewise, with coming home every weekend (which I assume is because they don’t trust you), at first maybe spend 1 weekend on campus a month, then work it out. I went to school relatively close to where I lived, and in some ways it was a mistake, there was a weird dynamic with my family; it wasn’t they didn’t trust me, it was something not quite healthy for a different reason. Again, negotiate the terms, tell them you’ll check in while staying the weekend, and maybe get them to the point where maybe it is 1 weekend a month at home. The key thing about being an adult is dealing with difficult situations, and in this case if you have issues , it is dealing with them in an adult fashion. While I don’t recommend trying to pit your mom against your dad, you may be able to talk to your dad and see if you can make him an ally, he may be able to help support you in negotiating things. I think your mom really got scared with what happened to you, is probably thinking of a lot of horrible things that could happen, and is the reason she is acting the way she is. It is why getting your dad as an ally may help. I am loathe to criticize your mom, because I think she is doing this out of love and wanting to protect you, but I also think that if it has been a while since the crap happened, that she needs to learn to trust you again, bottling you up or any young adult is not a way to let them learn to be adults IMO.

25

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If I had told her I was going to a baseball game alone then she would have freaked out and said no.


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This part sounds strange to me.

With your prior history, I can imagine that your mom would freak out if you told her that you were going to a party, but to a ball game???

26

It’s hard to know how legitimate your parents’ worries are. But it’s something you can’t live with. I think if you came home and were forced to take a “nicotine” test and passed, that should be the only test you have to take for quite a while!

In some states parents are required to pay for their children’s college education, assuming they are financially able. You should find out if you live in one. In any event, you need to get out of that house and live on your own. Try not to screw up your life.

27

I don’t understand your saying “going to a baseball game alone” when you went with a friend. What did you mean by “alone?”

Also, if you were in school 6 hours away when you were partying, how did your parents even know about it? Did you tell them? Or did you get into so much trouble that it required your parents to get involved? If the latter, then I can understand their lack of trust. If your parents are really that controlling, why don’t they make you live at home and commute to the nearest college? They must be willing to let you have a little independence or they wouldn’t let you live on campus. I think you need to communicate with them in abundance for a while. You should call them every hour before they have a chance to call you. Then gradually start calling them less and less, all the while keeping your nose clean and doing well in school.

28

I agree with other posters here who say to utilize the mental health services at school when you return. Discuss your feelings with a counselor and come up with a game plan to go to your parents later in the year, and lay things out.

The way I see it (and it’s hard to tell from a post) you screwed up and took a big divot out of their trust (esp mom). I get it and understand that - the same would be true if you were our son. However, unless you have portrayed yourself in an overly rosy fashion here, it seems you have gotten it together - you had a good internship and you have a very strong GPA at one of the toughest engineering/comp sci schools in the country. I’ll give you the C in MV Calc this summer b/c you just plain took on too much.

Assuming you are not an ongoing addict to some substance, which I cannot tell from your posts, you have pretty much held up your end of the bargain after screwing up. This needs to be relayed to your parents in a way that is non-defensive so that they can cut you a little slack, Granted, you will still need to play by their rules while they are paying for your school, but there should be some time off given here for good behavior. As I said, talk about this with a counselor at school and come up with a strategy to have this conversation, maybe at winter break, or sooner, in a way that will yield the highest probability of getting through to them.

Good luck, and don’t take on so much despair - your parents love you and are trying the best way they know how to see you through - hopefully you can slightly alter their reality to make the next couple of years more bearable, and then you are on your own with your great degree to make something of yourself.

29

How can your mom/parents believe you are not putting yourself in any danger? It sounds like they are unsure, so the random testing.

My two kids are 19 and 21. They are pretty independent and we as parents trust them, but they have earned that trust.

Seeing a therapist can perhaps help in re-building trust and a better relationship. The more you show you are responsible - and can be trusted, the less stressed your parents will be - and perhaps can then not worry that something bad is about to happen. It sounds like some of this is affecting you negatively and even more so is affecting your mom (and then her interactions with you). Your dad may not be as verbal and emotional about it all as your mom, or your mom feels free-er expressing herself.

Do you have other siblings? Is something making your parents worry more because of some incident with a friend’s kid - and they are wanting you to avoid some negative consequences?

Sometimes my kids will say I am a ‘control freak’ - and it is kind of funny that they sometimes complain about me to their friends, and their friends will say “but she gave us fresh cinnamon rolls”. We leave it to the kids to call us; I will text or send a facebook message to have them call when they have a chance if we haven’t heard from them for a while.

You are not only seeking trust, but boundaries. However as other parents on this thread have written, your parents are financially supporting your education pursuits and living expenses. By showing them respect and being patient with their needs, you can be an adult 20 year old and gain more independence.

30

@earlvandorn

I know of no state were MARRIED parents are compelled to pay for their children’s education.

31

Yes, I’d like to know from Earlvandorn what states require married parents(like the OP has) are required to pay for college…

32

Add me to the list. What states mandate that parents pay for college educations?

33

^^^I think he must have been thinking about divorced parents in some states. OP’s parents clearly are together.

34

" It definitely sounds like you want it both ways-- the benefits of living under mom and dad’s roof, but none of the hassles involved in that."

Yup.

OP, you need counseling. Go back to Purdue and get some free counseling:
http://www.purdue.edu/caps/

It cannot hurt. There is no effect on your schooling, and it is confidential - no one will tell your professors or department unless YOU choose to give permission for them to.

My brother lived on campus three years, about an hour from our house. He got into drugs and alcohol, even possibly dealing (after not even smoking a cigarette or having a drink in HS). His grades slipped also. Anyway, my parents insisted that he live at home instead of on campus. They made him come home 10 pm or before except on weekends. He had to improve his grades or they would kick him out and stop paying for his college. He sucked it up and graduated in 5 years.

I don’t think the issue is your parents trying to keep tabs on you, and them wanting you to follow a curfew. It’s that you don’t want a curfew, but you also don’t want your parents to check up on you.

You can be 20 and say “but I’m an adult” but EVEN if you were 20 and living with a roommate, they might want you to be home by 11 pm so you don’t disturb them. And EVEN if you were at school, your mom might call and worry you.

Please seek counseling at school, and until then, take a deep breath. Most people do not “have a housekeeper” to play interference for them. You need to live your own life, but it seems like you need counseling to make some good decisions about how to deal with your parents.

(and yes, I believe ONLY in the case of divorced parents can parents be required to pay for any college costs)

((and when my mom was driving me nuts while I was at college, I stopped talking to her for several months - it worked well))

35

1). Go get counseling at your school. You need help to control your outbursts.

2). If you want someone to trust you, you need to be trustworthy.
“Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I am at the game in town with Jeremy. The game will go until 10 ish and I probably won’t be able to hear the phone, so I plan on my being home at around 11; I hope that’s okay. I will check my phone for your texts. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. If you want to meet me or pick me up, that would be cool”.
You lost their trust, YOU have to gain it back.

3). If you can’t do #2, then start looking for jobs and plan on quitting school. You can then get a place to live and re-plan your educational needs. If you want to be independent, to come and go as you please, then you have to survive independently, without help from Mom and Dad. This is what adults do. This means working and quitting school until you can afford to pay for it yourself. A lot of students have to do this because there is no other way. The excuse that you would have to go to work “half my life to go back to college” is lame and cowardly.

“Its not as easy as just leaving school and waiting. If I did that I will never get a degree then because what would happen is that I would not have any classes to take at community college that would actually count towards graduation since I have exhausted lower level classes and eventually I’ll end up working half my life to go back to college.”

Lots of people do this. You can put your education on hold by advising your school. It’s not that big a deal. You want to be treated like an adult, MAN UP and ACT like one.

Most of us on this forum have or had children at this age. I can honestly say that all of our children have probably done something stupid as adults. Young adults can and do rectify their mistakes by building trust, which takes a LONG time. It’s being respectful of the other person and considerate of their needs before your own.

BTW a LOT of companies do drug testing because it is required by their liability insurance companies. So, even places of employment play Mom and Dad.