Sorry to keep making these posts, but it gets out of hand for me to handle. Basically tonight I went to a baseball game with a friend. I am 20 years old so I just told the housekeeper that I would be out late tonight at a baseball game and she was ok with it as long as I let my mom know by calling since she is away on business. The thing is my mom has many issues and is controlling of me. If I had told her I was going to a baseball game alone then she would have freaked out and said no. I went anyways figuring she would find out that I went and figure there is nothing she can do about it.
A little back story on my past. Few years back I went to another college and I did get a little out of hand with partying. The thing is my parents are completely against any type of drinking or drugs(Which is ok with me since they have their reasons and I respect their rules). Although since then my mom has gotten a little out of hand “protecting me”. She calls me a few times in a span of a few hours when I am hanging out with my friends( Often times at 9 pm… 9 freaking pm) and tries to make me come home. Often times on the phone she has a crying tone and tries to get sympathy from me since she is scared for me or something like that. She also tries to make an effort to tell me that I shouldn’t have many friends because a lot of people are bad they’ll get me into “bad things”. She also feels the need to lie to me that she needs to ask me if I am smoking or drinking because “our doctor asked her to”. One time I came back home at like 8pm from a restaurant with my friends and she had the nerve to nicotine and drug test me to check if I was doing anything bad. Also another time I got angry at my parents for not letting me go on the weekends to the city to work on a internship and they thought it was an excuse to do drugs so they woke me up in the morning to drug test me. Basically they feel like after finding me try various things at my old college that they need to make sure I am not going back to that. Instead of a college 6 hours away I now go to a college 2 hours away from home…
A lot of the time I can only describe a bit of a panic attack whenever it gets past 10 pm and I am with my friends because I am worried my mom will keep calling me and just bothering me to come home. Like at 11pm I need to bother my friend at a grad party while he was playing FIFA to drive me back home since I drove with him because my parents kept hassling me to come home.
The list goes on, but a lot of the time they call me overweight ( I am 5’ 11’’ and weight 178 pounds and 33 waist size… you do the math ). They say I am oversensitive and that I am giving off a loser mentality since I keep complaining about them. I have said things to them like I feel like I am “persecuted”.
So back to the whole baseball game story. Basically I decided to go to the game and forget telling my mom because all she’ll do is say no(shocker? My dad would have probably said yeah but that wouldn’t have really prevented anything with my mom). My dad was also away on business. I get on the train around 10:40 and I get a text from the housekeeper saying that my mom is mad at her for letting me go and that “he is not allowed to go anywhere”. My mom calls and is literally sobbing asking me where I am and what I am doing. Keep in mind folks I am 20 years old. My friend said he can’t really deal with my problems anymore since he couldn’t deal with my melt down on the train contemplating whats going to happen to me when I get home( Will I be kicked out of college for this, etc). He said that he might have to stop hanging out with me, but I need to go to counseling. I feel like at times my mind is going to explode because of the immense stress my mom puts on me making friends and my mind in general. I don’t think its healthy I want to graduate college and move far far away from where my parents live. Most kids want to be close to their parents but I feel like a huge wedge is between us.
This problem has gotten to the point where I have recurring nightmares of my parents coming home from their trips. Just them coming home from their trips and that is enough to give me a cold sweat.
My mom feels all a counselor will say is “your mom loves you very much and thats why she is doing what she is doing”. She feels she is doing this to protect me and she won’t be done til I get married.
At the moment I am a full time summer intern at a finance company locally and have performed very well there. At school I keep a decent GPA and have a good social circle. It seems when I am away at school away from my parents for a period of time I feel much better( I feel awful for saying that since they are paying for my school).
I need to hear some different opinions and advice on this whole situation. Leaving college is not a option and living on my own. I don’t know what to do.
Unfortunately for you, your parents have all of the power in the relationship, since they can threaten to stop paying for your college. Unless you are willing to drop out of college for now, live on your own, and go to work until you can return to college as an independent (for financial aid purposes) student, then the best you can do is graduate as soon as possible and then find a job and live on your own.
On the other hand, it does look from your story like you initially gave them reason not to trust your judgement with recreational drugs (including legal ones like tobacco and alcohol).
Just call your mother when asked. It the housekeeper says to call, call. Text her if you can and you don’t want to talk. Yes, your mother may be over the top but your actions only make it worse.
It didn’t sound like you “forgot” to call, it sounds like a pretty deliberate decision. That type of action makes things worse.
It definitely sounds like you want it both ways-- the benefits of living under mom and dad’s roof, but none of the hassles involved in that.
It also sounds as though their behavior is a reaction-- you “did get a little out of hand with partying.” You mention a change in colleges; I’m wondering whether that “a little out of hand” was severe enough that it prompted that change?? And whether maybe your definition of “a little out of hand” would be called something else by the adults on this board??
You’re 20 years old. You can do whatever you want. If you don’t like the rules involved in living under your parents’ roof, then get a place of your own.
But stop being sneaky-- asking the housekeeper to run interference because you’re not adult enough to deal with this on your own. That most certainly is not part of her job description. And don’t “forget” to fill your mom in. It’s sneaky and disrespectful to your mom.
Its a complicated issue, and each incident has its own circumstances, but some parents very much resent and are hurt but the child’s unwillingness to give them a chance to say “Yes”. Maybe they deserve that, and maybe their behaviour is what leads to it, but not always. Sometimes its the kid who decides he’s not willing to take no for an answer, so he arranges things in a way that there is never an option presented.
Your mom is concerned about a relapse, justifiably. You failed your summer course (other thread), and now you are going out again behind her back. Your housekeeper set out a clear condition by which you could go to the game. You didn’t meet it. To your mom it looks like you are headed back on a downward trajectory.
Prioritize your academic performance this fall. Try to reach an agreement with your mom–if you meet specific academic goals, maybe you get a bit more freedom in the spring. What you have is basically a full ride scholarship from your parents. Many scholarships come with conditions, and if you don’t meet them you lose them.
I agree w posts 3 and 4. You essentially are saying “treat me like an independent adult” yet you are living the life of a child, in parents home and supported by parents. It is a common dilemma, most kids go through it as they actually do approach adulthood.
You want independence? Start supporting yourself.
Just to let you people know I am not a bad student. I got a 3.55 GPA in Computer Science at Purdue as a sophomore last semester. My parents forced me to switch colleges(honestly I didnt mind that anyways because Purdue was better for my major) Also yeah I just told my mom what I did.
Its not as easy as just leaving school and waiting. If I did that I will never get a degree then because what would happen is that I would not have any classes to take at community college that would actually count towards graduation since I have exhausted lower level classes and eventually I’ll end up working half my life to go back to college.
Also when I said partying. Yeah I did. You know what that happened two years ago and now I just feel like I am kinda stuck.
I dont want to be dependent on my parents, but also be realistic. You guys are twisting it out for me to be the bad guy.
Also I didnt even fail my summer class. I got a C in the class. My parents were just upset that I didnt do better. You try juggling commuting, working 10-6 at a internship, and studying multi variable calculus in a series of 6 weeks.
Anyone can leave college and get a job…and become self supporting. You know…many students do just that because their parents can’t or won’t pay for college. They work…save money, go to college part time, etc.
Your parents have set some boundaries for you…and you have two choices…
Accept and adhere to those boundaries and they will continue to pay for college. For heaven's sake...you live at Purdue a good chunk of the time...oh...on their dime.
If you want to make your own rules, accept that you will also likely be paying for college yourself...like tens of thousands of other students your age. Move out, get a job, rent a room. Become self supporting. Then you can make all your own rules...all of them.
You had a trust issue with your parents, and as a parent, I going to tell you…that is a hard thing to get past. I won’t comment on whether I think a 10:00 curfew is reasonable, because really all that matters is that your parents think it is.
You are leaving for school in a couple of weeks. Is it too much to adhere to your parent rules for a few weeks? Once you get back to Purdue, you can stay out all night every night.
I apologize for assuming it was an F. It sounded that way on another thread.
It is not a question of “good guy” or “bad guy” IMO. Thumper is right about your choices. Your housekeeper, your mom had expectations. You blew it off, and now seem genuinely puzzled why people aren’t supporting your choice.
Apologize to them both. Tell your mom what your goals are for the semester. Achieve those goals. And then try to negotiate a bit more leeway. Last year we heard your dad was going to move in with you on campus. It sounds like that didn’t happen, so you have already made a vast amount of progress. Keep working at it, but don’t screw up like you did with the ballgame.
If you had never given your parents any reason to doubt you, I could agree that they are way overboard in their restrictive boundaries. Having given them a reason to doubt you, I say you suck it up and abide by their rules for the short time you are in their home over the summer.
Does this controlling behavior follow you to college? Does your mom call you every night and demand you stay in your room after 10 pm? Is she showing up unannounced on campus to drug test you? Does she contact your professors to check on your attendance? If you are having to answer to your parents multiple times during each day at college, then yes, you have reason to be upset with their behavior. Not sure what you can do to minimize their involvement in your college daily life.
If your parents were pretty restrictive in general during your childhood, I would tell you to bide your time and do things their way until your college education is paid for and you can live independently. Is there any possibility of getting a summer internship that takes you away from your hometown? I suggest doing some research to find an outstanding opportunity your parents can’t say no to.
See my parents are pretty restrictive when it does come to college as well. One time I slept in to about 11 am and keep in mind I usually never sleep in and I got 8 missed calls and when I called my parents back apparently they were on their way to see whats up since I didnt pick up. They have come to campus if I refuse to come home over the weekend. See they really want me to come home every weekend even though its like 2 and half hours away. Usually get sick of wasting time since I basically only spend one day at home.
Are you the “bad guy”? Well sure you have done bad things, sure you broke your parents’ trust, but many of us have done some or all of those things. Trust can take years to build but only an instant to destroy. Generally speaking I’d say no, you are not a “bad guy”. But I’d say you are a child on the verge of adulthood. You want independence, you want to play by rules you see as fair, but you want mom and dad to provide your home, a housekeeper, and probably much or all of your school costs. If you expect them to provide that stuff for you, then you are imposing rules on them, aren’t you?
That isn’t really bad; it’s just a part of growing up. A child’s perspective of what adulthood is is just guessing. they often see privileges without realizing all the responsibilities. Try to understand we have seen adulthood by living it.
Is leaving school an easy choice? No. You don’t have to explain that to us. But it is an option depending on what you want to do about these parental rules. Or, you could just soak up all the benefits of parents gifts toward your education and complain about rules (re post 3)
And look at the long range beauty of this situation- now that you know all there is to know about good/bad parenting, if you become a parent, you’ll be perfect!
so my post 17 doesn’t seem too harsh, let me add I went through much of this when I was a child on verge of adulthood, and so did my S at about that age.
I have done that before and she thinks something is terribly wrong if I dont pick up her phone within 15 minutes. She starts calling so many times so I have to pick. Yeah I guess I have to deal with it.
My friend who went with me thinks that my family life isnt normal and that there is something terribly wrong. I guess he was mad I was freaking out on the train. I dont know if he was overreacting or not. I just got worried. The thing is I didnt go out and do drugs, drink, smoke, or any of that. It was a innocent ball game I spent my own money on because I was bored after work. I guess you guys are right I should have let my mom know, but what is done is done.
I only ask a few things out of my parents if I can see their respect in me. One is that they dont call me 10 times at 10 pm when it isnt even that late. Another is dont expect me to be home every weekend and waste 6-7 hours of my weekend. I can come home maybe one or even twice a month, but any more of that its just a huge waste of my time and their time since they have to spend time picking me up. Three I just want the benefit of the doubt sometimes. The thing is I feel I did mess up, but life is about messing up. I feel you guys think I should be on lock down, but their rules also are messing with my social skills and my mental health. They are indian so they feel going to a psychiatrist is out of the question since they think its a waste of time and money, but my mind is always on the verge of a breakdown. I tell them that and all they say is that they are doing this for my own good. I cant see how my parents expect me to have a girlfriend or get married if I have a curfew of like 10pm. I’m more than will to pay them money to have them leave me alone