<p>Idea - Create a set of English/Vietnamese cards </p>
<p>Each time you go out and need to translated for your mom, come home and make a 3x5 card for your her new set of “translation cards”. Write the sentence(s) you needed in English and it Vietnamese. Perhaps you could even draw a related picture (or paste in a magazine photo)</p>
<p>Your mother may or may not want to read the English to the clerk, but if needed she could just show the card. Over time, perhaps she will even learn those survival sentences. </p>
<p>After you have a few cards in the set, you could start bringing them on your errand trips and encourage your mom to try things on her own with cards, and you nearby to help as needed. It’s possible that a dozen cards will cover the majority of her common needs.</p>
<p>After ten years she probably knows more than she lets on or at least more than she thinks she knows. If she’s watching TV then you can assume she has basic comphrehension even if she had trouble responding to others. She just needs practice and to gain in confidence in her impending independence. I love the idea of the computer keyboard stickies and the OC Community looks like it has great resources!</p>
<p>don’t know if this has already been addressed, but you should start with your local community college. in southern cal, most community colleges have what is called an ‘annex’ or continuing/adult education branch. find out where yours is…call and explain the situation to somebody…and they can direct u to where your mom can take english classes. lots of people do this, and it’s usually free with very flexible scheduling (weekends). </p>
<p>she’ll feel better and will likely meet a friend or two.</p>
<p>They have have ESL, computer, and citizenship classes focused on Vietnamese speakers/immigrants; programs for seniors and/or the disabled, including transportation (not sure if this applies to your mom/yet); and other programs that might be of a assistance. They’re located in Santa Ana but have a service center in Westminster (“Little Saigon”). You could just call them up ((714) 558-6009) and explain your situation and see what help/ideas they may have.</p>
<p>Just a thought! Best of luck to you! You sound like a great daughter!</p>
<p>Your mother sounds a lot like my father-in-law. I tell you, this man managed to get his whole family out of one country, kept them together through the refugee experience, resettled in the US and now, well . . . </p>
<p>You’ve got cultural stuff going on here. My husband, as the oldest son, is supposed to take care of this man, and he never lets us forget it. He claims he can’t “find” the airport, a doctor’s office, or even our house! We’re supposed to go pick him up and manage all his transportation needs. He can’t read well enough to do any paperwork, etc. Interestingly enough, upon arrival in the States, his English skills were the best. He seems to get worse and worse every year. Part of it is an excuse to demand that he’s “cared for” the way he thinks he should be as the father. </p>
<p>After 23 years of it, here’s my take . . . He’s amazingly adept when there’s no one around from whom he can demand “help”. When my husband literally can’t help him, he very quickly finds other resources. He uses cultural and guilt to get what he wants. My husband, who strongly feels the need to be the good son, gives in very easily and too often, reinforcing his dad’s learned helplessness. </p>
<p>I wholeheartedly agree with whoever said that when your mom starts in on the “how will I ever manage without you!” Give her a hug. Tell her she’ll be all right. If your Vietnamese community is anything like ours, there are resources, friends, lots of shirt-tail relatives who will make sure she gets what she needs. </p>
<p>Whatever you do, do NOT give up this opportunity and stay home. H and I never left the area because of H’s dad. H’s younger brother got out. I guarantee you, FIL would have been fine if H and I would have, too. The man who can’t find his way to my house or the airport? Well, he can drive half way across the state to a party at someone’s home in another city and find it just fine. </p>
<p>Good luck. The next few months will be rough, but this is something you need to do. Your mom will manage.</p>
<p>Your public library probably has lots of English-learning materials that your mom can try out. I’d suggest trying out the Rosetta Stone package if it’s available. That one is all in English (and only English) and the situations and examples are taken from everyday life. Your library also might have a drop-in English conversation group one or two days each week.</p>
<p>It’s tough, but you seem to know it will be best for you to go to the right college. I too am a single mom/single child; my daughter went far which is tough, but I want her to get the best possible education. I am a little different, in education, but it sounds like she just hates to see you leave (make excuses). I think finding her some support, thru church, neighbors, etc. Maybe you highschool had an ESL program for parents.</p>
<p>My daughter and I did pretty much everything together, so it is a big adjustment. It has been hard, but it has to be that way. She actually wants me to move closer to her college, since it is months to 1/2 yr. until I will see her again, but we will see.</p>
<p>Maybe you can reassure her that you will be better off this way in the long run to help her in retirement (that is what my daughter says)…</p>
<p>I also cannot lift, and sometimes get help from my daughters with shopping. When they are not here, the local grocery store folks give me lots of bags to keep them light, and even help me get things in the car. Or, I just buy stuff for one day at a time.</p>
<p>Some of your mother’s habits sound cultural, like the water and rice. How many people will be in the house when you leave? She could buy small packages of rice and, as many have said, use filtered tap water. You can’t say no to your first choice college just because filtered water doesn’t taste as good as the water your mother has always purchased!</p>
<p>The lack of contact may be hard for both of you. I spend a lot of time with my daughters. When the older one went away for the first time, it was to an arts program that did not allow cell phones or computers. For five weeks, she wrote me letters. It was good for both of us: we discovered that we could survive! I had a similar experience with my other daughter. Perhaps you could do something like this: go away for a couple of weeks to give your mother a practice run.</p>
<p>Your mother may be expressing some emotions about your leaving, through these practical matters, such as your translating or lifting things. The particular tasks may be easily addressed, relatively speaking, but the emotional process is another thing entirely, and difficult for all of us. I would try to steer conversation toward the real problem: grief and fear at the loss of your company and geographical distance between you.</p>
<p>Take good care of yourself and know you are deserving. Help your mother find substitutes while you are still there, yes, but when you are gone, she will learn how to cope and may even grow right along with you. Reassure each other of the lasting nature of your relationship, and show gratitude to one another for your close bond. </p>
<p>In the weeks before my daughter left, she would take my arm when we were walking. For some reason, I found this very comforting. It was the start of a new relationship in which she could sense what I needed, after all those years of me sensing her needs. </p>
<p>It is true, nothing stays the same. Take care!</p>
<p>I’ll get around to talking to my mom about the changes that will come up next year, and how we can prepare for them. About talking to older family members or friends, though, I hope you all can see how that would be a little awkward for me. It’s awkward enough for a kid to talk to an adult, and it’s even worse when you factor in the language barrier. Unless you all meant that I should talk to my mom and give her ideas on who to look to in order to build that support group? That’s still a great idea! “Auntie knows how to use a computer, maybe she can help you communicate with me!” It will be fun to see her learn how to use a computer. She’s always wanted to watch movies online!</p>
<p>I want to thank those who have shared some insight from their own experiences, it takes off some of my concerns. It sounds like you all are telling me that my mom will be just fine on her own, though it might be hard at first. I understand that changes will have to come. Thanks again!</p>
<p>There is also something else I would like to have addressed. Every now and then when I get some money (mainly from relatives at family functions and birthdays, and my part-time job), my mom likes to take my money. I really have had no problem with this. Even though I don’t really have as much spending money as I would like to have, whenever I really need something (new clothes, books, standardized test fees, et al), she’ll give me the money I need! The system really keeps me from spending too much of my own money. I’m not exactly sure what she’s doing exactly, with the money I’m giving her. I’d like to believe that she’s saving it up for me, though I really don’t care if she’s just spending the money on herself either.</p>
<p>She knows that I will be earning a stipend while at the academy. She asked me if I would mind sending her some money while I’m there. I told her that “they said” I’ll be earning ~$800 a month, though that number will likely be significantly smaller, since they’ll be deducting uniforms and books, and I’ll have to spend money on my own necessities. She told me that if I happen to get $800, if I would mind sending her $500, or at least any of my extra money. </p>
<p>My issue is, though I do not mind sending her some money, I don’t want her to be relying on me for extra money, especially now that I expect to be making a little more than I have been. I also don’t want any money issues to add any more stress to either of us. In the past, there has been a couple times when she would “complain” more or less that the money I’m giving her this month is less than that of previous months. It also bothers me that she insists that I be thrifty with my own purchases in order to have more money available to her. I can’t help thinking that I would like to feel like I’m being taken care of, at least at this age, instead of having to feel that I’m taking care of someone. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Furthermore, I don’t even know how money will work next year. </p>
<p>In my hesitation to give her a “Yes, mom, of course I will send you money” answer, she quickly tells me that next year, I will leave her and not think twice about her, because I obviously don’t love her enough to give her a quick and sure answer. (This part is more a rant than anything else; I know that parents love to exaggerate) I moved on to a different subject, but she brought this back up earlier today. All I could tell her is that the money situation would be unpredictable. She most likely expects me to send her my money. </p>
<p>Although, I believe this may be a way for me to help her while I’m out of state, I still would like to save and keep my own money. I don’t want to tell her this, however, for fear of being majorly guilt tripped. Am I wrong for wanting to keep my own money? I do believe I owe my mom, for being my mom, but I also can’t help but to feel that there’s a limit to how far I have to go to pay her back.</p>
<p>I have done a lot of things to prepare myself for the next year, but I still can’t feel right if I would have to keep worrying about my mom. Though, I realize I’m probably panicking for no reason, as all of you have mentioned, there is still plenty of time to do things in order to prepare for the change.</p>
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<p>My mom won’t let me go to sleepovers. I have gone to sleep away camp for a week at the most, and I have slept over at friends’ houses (through rebellion). She never gives me a good reason for not sleeping over at a friend’s house (she lives three houses down the culdesac, literally). I do like what you are suggesting though. I need to spend nights away, in order for her to get used to the idea!</p>
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<p>Funny thing is, before creating this thread, I was more concerned about her handling those tasks rather than me leaving. The way I saw it was: All parents have to experience their kids leaving at some point, and this is an inevitability for all parents, and they all will learn to deal with it. I did not realize that parents often relied on their kids for various things.</p>
<p>Somehow your mother’s survived this while time without your money so I don’t see why she’d need you to send your stipend to her. A stipend is for the person receiving it to use for what they need. Her expenses should decrease once you leave since you won’t be there eating the food, etc. Unless your mother can’t subsist without your financial support you should hang onto the money. Your expenses will likely be more than you expect.</p>
<p>I think it’s good you’re going away to college. Your mother is too controlling, she’s burdening you with emotions (guilt) you shouldn’t have to deal with, and it’ll do you both good to each gain a little independence and the growth that goes along with it.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be too concerned about all the little things she states she doesn’t know how she’ll handle once you’re gone - these are all trivial things easily accommodated so she’s likely either using it to try to pull you back or it’s just her way of saying how she’ll miss you and she wants reassurance you’ll miss her too. Hopefully it’s really the latter and you’ll both do fine as most do.</p>
<p>Open a checkbook when you get to the academy, and don’t have your financial information sent home. </p>
<p>You’re not getting a large amount after taxes and the deductions for uniforms and books, and you’re going to have expenses from dry-cleaning, school supplies, etc. that you may not expect. If there’s anything left over you should save it for your own emergencies, a deposit on a car (or housing, or an engagement ring LOL) someday, or other personal expenses. Maybe even start to save for retirement! </p>
<p>You’ve been a great kid up to now, and money shouldn’t change anything. It’s not like you loved her up to today, and you stopped loving her tomorrow because you can’t promise to give her money. Likewise, surely she isn’t saying that she only loves you for what you can do for her? It sounds a little like she’s getting more and more frantic about what she’s losing, instead of being happy for what you’re gaining.</p>
<p>All you can do is tell her that her expenses will be much less since she won’t be paying bills for you, but that you can’t guarantee that you’re going to have anything left over to send to her since the balance of the stiped is supposed to cover personal expenses in the program. It’s not a question of withholding anything. You may not have anything to give her. (Tell her you’ll do your best not to ask HER for any financial help while you’re there.) </p>
<p>Sometimes it’s the parents who have to cut the ties to force a kid to grow up, but sometimes the kids have to force the parents to make their own lives. It’s tough love, but it sounds like it’s time to start easing her away from being so dependant. You’re not a spouse, you’re a kid.</p>
<p>I really don’t know how much of this is cultural. The expectations your mom has of you are not “normal” for mainstream America, but I hesitate to give her values disrespect either.</p>
<p>I would never, ever expect any of my kids to send me money from hard work they were doing, such as a stipend at school. Most parents here would say the same, I think.</p>
<p>Threads come up every once in awhile, in which the family culture involves the kids giving earnings to the parent, or taking care of the parent, and the kids are often very conflicted about going away and leaving the parent to fend for (usually) herself. Sometimes there is poverty in the background, sometimes not.</p>
<p>I wonder if you could find a support group in your community, or a social worker or counselor who understands your mother’s culture, and the conflicts you are experiencing (and will experience even more when you leave) between your mother’s culture and that of mainstream US.</p>
<p>My daughter’s roommate has a similar situation and is working it out with a counselor on campus, which is another possibility.</p>
<p>Clearly, if sleepovers have made your mom anxious (see the threads on the new book out about Chinese parenting, by the way: that parent also forbade sleep-overs), then your going away to the academy will cause major panic at that loss of control and contact.</p>
<p>Please take care of yourself as you join the larger culture. The conflict between guilt and loyalty to your mom, and aspirations for yourself, may be difficult. Getting counseling is not a sign of weakness, but a very smart thing to do. Good luck!</p>
<p>The money thing is cultural, too. Do you have great big birthday parties with dozens of relatives but the party was really for the adults? Dh and his cousins laugh about those “Asian” parties where the kid gets 10 minutes of attention and then your folks take most of your money to pay for the food and liquor they bought for the party. Like you, they just shrug it off as the way things are.</p>
<p>When my father in law bought a house, he demanded a large sum for the downpayment. When he had an accident, he demanded we give him a car. When he dies, his wife will come calling for funeral money. Just the way it is. If you have it, they expect it. Sometimes, they expect it even when you don’t have it! Bottom line, to keep family peace, you will probably have to send something, but not the majority. You can tell you mother, yes, I will send something. But, she does not get to pick the amount. Send what you feel is fair and tell her you needed the rest for school expenses. You will have to listen to a little grousing, but if she’s like my FIL, you’d be listening to that no matter how much you sent. It’s almost like a game. I send, you complain it’s not enough, but we move on.</p>
<p>Do not send her any money. You are being offered this stipend (a carefully chosen amount, based on years of experience: See next paragraph) for your expenses. Don’t argue about this now. Tell her, as others have suggested, that you’ll see what the situation is and determine funding later. Once you are away from her influence, I’m sure you’ll see more clearly that what she is asking is impossible.</p>
<p>From the Academy’s website: Midshipmen pay is $764 monthly, from which laundry, barber, cobbler, activities fees, yearbook and other service charges are deducted. <em>Actual cash pay is $75 to $100 per month your first year</em>, increasing each year to $400 per month in your fourth year. (emphasis mine).</p>
<p>What is she living on now? Social security? Disability? Whatever it is, her expenses will be lessened now that you won’t be there. Don’t let her guilt you into promising anything. </p>
<p>Definitely seek help on overcoming guilt feelings. They are not beneficial to anyone, neither to you nor to the person who is laying them on you. If you don’t feel comfortable seeking professional aid, find some books or on-line information on ‘overcoming guilt and shame’. Talk to your advisor about all this. They’ll want to know what pressure is being laid on you at a time when you have quite enough to think about already. They may even be able to run some interference for you if she gets to be too demanding. </p>
<p>You have grown into a fine person. You don’t owe your mother anything. I speak as a mother of a delightful young lady on the cusp of leaving home behind. I would be ashamed to treat her as your mother treats you. She doesn’t owe me a one damn dime…let alone any requirement to give up her dreams to cater to my needs. I have raised her to fly free; I will not clip her wings now.</p>
<p>Undoubtedly, your mother will find someone else to prop her up once you are gone. That’s what emotional vampires do. It might be a neighbor, a gentleman friend, a church member but she will find someone. They can walk when the burden gets to be too much…you will probably always be connected to her. But you should be in charge of how much you are willing to give. Set a limit of your time, your emotions, your money and do not exceed it. If she starts whining on the phone, you say ‘gee, mom, sorry, gotta go…’ and you hang up. If she whines in person, cut your visit short. Try to find some place else to spend your leaves. There should be arrangements for that through the Academy. I know there are families in Annapolis who will care for midshipmen who have nowhere to go. May you find another family who can show you what ‘normal and happy’ looks like.</p>
<p>While you are getting responses from many points of view here, it seems that not a single one does not support you in your endeavor. I, too, am a mom. And I, too, have reared my daughter to fly at this point in her life. Yes, I miss her (she is about to graduate college, not high school) when she is not home, and it hurts sometimes. But that is about me. I have to control those feelings, as real as they truly are. I am the adult here, and my daughter has her whole life ahead of her. Your mom is the adult. She needs to stop needing you this way. Maybe she relied on you too much as you were growing up. While I hate to judge, it seems that she didn’t play the role of the adult enough in your life. She has no choice now. Please try to understand that you are not responsible for her at all. I feel that the only thing you owe her is respect. But you clearly do respect her so much. She needs to grow up. You have already done a great job of doing just that. Good luck to you! Take your turn now.</p>
<p>Can’t you get her to the local library so she can eset up a gmail account & be able to email you?</p>
<p>Around here, we have the Literacy Volunteers. Most of the students are immigrants who are learning to read (and also speak) English. See if you have a similar group where you are. Each volunteer tailors their “program” to the needs of the student they are paired with — if a person needs to learn money denominations, they get some coins and work on that. If it is reading food packages in the market, they go on a field trip and practice those.</p>
<p>Also, have you checked the Catholic Diocese of your area? They probably have an immigrant or refugees outreach office. Many Vietnamese are Catholic so if you have a large Vietn. community where you live, there are probably programs available through the diocese to help with English and other issues. </p>
<p>At the school you will be attending, is there an Asian student organization? I bet there are other students who have parents not unlike your Mom! Maybe there are some Vietnamese students at that school whose parents live in your area, too. You students could possibly form some connections between your parents that would help your Mom get over the initial hump of having you away. The other parents would certainly understand where she is coming from.</p>
<p>LaTina, I don’t have much to add to the pages of good advice you’ve already received. I just wanted to tell you what an impression you’ve left on me. Your maturity and compassion shine through every post you’ve written. And to now learn you earned a service academy appointment makes me so proud of both you and the academy admissions system for selecting you!</p>
<p>I’m confident you’ll figure out best to juggle being both daughter and resourceful, patient and thoughtful teacher. It sounds like your mom will be fine once you are gone, especially with the additional knowledge and skills you can help her acquire before you leave.</p>
<p>On the money issue, you will need every penny for your expenses and, if there’s any excess, personal savings (a good habit to begin now). Again, it sounds like your mom’s finances will not suffer (and in fact may improve) by your absence. No need to feel guilty about not sending money home! Your mom wanted you to be raised in America for a reason. Now, because of your hard work, you have secured the highest honor our country extends to a high school student. I’m sure your mother will be satisfied with the bragging rights that come with having a child entering the most prestigious echelon of US military education and service. (And perhaps she needs to be educated about the conventional disparity in pay scales for civilian vs. military professions in America? i.e., the fact you’ll be long on intangible measures of success–prestige and power, to name two–but short on monetary success.)</p>
<p>LaTina-- No new advice, other than to reiterate that , yes, part of the expecting money is likely cultural. It was in my family, with hard feelings that summer earnings all went to cover part of my college expenses, board, books and personal items, rather than contributing to the family home. In your case, it does not seem to be a lot of money. Also, if the money is for your expenses, are there limits on how it may be spent? In other words, once it is yours, is it yours to do whatever you want, or is spending it on something other than your living expenses breaking any kind of rule? If you are going to travel back home to visit mom on any breaks, do you need to pay for your tickets or is this covered by the academy? If you have to pay for this, then you will need to be saving for plane fare! The suggestions about helping your mother set up a gmail account, and suggestions about either social service support or informal support from family/friends are great ones. </p>
<p>Different culture, but my immigrant mother bitterly complained that this country “takes people’s children away from them.” In many countries and cultures, young adult children attend university while living at home and stay at home until they are married, if only then to move in with in-laws. So, your mom may be feeling (for the second time if she went through this with your sister) not just the feeling of impending loss due to your going away, but a parallel loss that this is a different journey than that of young adults in her own culture, in some ways, the loss of her own culture. My mother is deceased, so I cannot tell her that I now understand how hard it can be to let go (having one D in college). I also know, from experience, not to place guilt on my child for doing what is normal, growing up and experiencing life. </p>
<p>It is hard to be in the middle, the bicultural first or second-generation child, but it is also a gift that will help you understand not only American and Vietnamese cultures but also other cultures with which you may come into contact. That is, you have a different cultural lens from which to view life. </p>
<p>I also want to say, though this is a trying situation for you, you do present your mother very fairly, without vilifying her. </p>