My mom tells me she will be "helpless" without me.

Parents Forum
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<p>I am currently a senior, and I have been accepted to and intend to matriculate to a school across the country. My mom does not speak English fluently, and until I was in third grade, my mom had relied on my sister (ten years older) to act as a translator. Since then, she’s been using me to help her communicate with bank tellers, cashiers…etc. She also asks me to translate her mail. She relies on me for heavy lifting (water bottles and rice bags) and for odd jobs around the house as well. For example, every couple weeks, my mom fills six eight-gallon water bottles, and she relies on me to help her fill them up at the store and carry them in at home. A couple days ago, after coming home to find that I fixed the sliding door on the closet (it completely broke off a week earlier), she tearfully tells me that she would be helpless without me next year. She points out all the things I do for her and asks me who will help her when I’m gone. I realized that she actually relies on me for a lot of things…</p>

<p>Ever since I learned of my acceptance into the school, she’s been telling me how much she’ll miss me, asks if I will miss her, how often I will visit, and when I’m doing something that I usually do for her, she asks who will help her with this next year. She’s been doing this a lot more lately. First of all, I’m not sure how to feel. I know she’s happy for me for getting into my first choice school, so I don’t believe she is trying to guilt trip me into going to a state school and commute. I think this is common between parents and graduating seniors though, that the parents will let their kids know how much they’ll miss them. But my mom is really seriously making me feel bad, especially since she believes she needs me for everything. What do I do about this? I don’t want to tell her to “stop complaining”</p>

<p>Also, I’m not sure how well she will be able to cope when I’m gone. She still can’t speak or understand English well enough, nor can she read very well. She does pretty much know the basics, though. And like I mentioned before, she also relies on me for a number of things. I’m wondering what can I do between now and when I leave in order to make the change easier for her? I mean, for example, she needs help from me to add contacts to her cell phone, and to listen to her voicemails. I have tried, countless times, to teach her how to do this on her own, but she still does not remember. (I kind of think that she’s not learning, because she expects me to do these things for her anyway)</p>

<p>She points out that if I had planned to go to a state college, she’ll have me help her out with groceries, water, and other various stuff on weekends. So what can I do to help her when out of state?</p>

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<p>All of the things that she is listing are things that could be done by someone who is not related to her – so I think that you should work on finding other helpers for her. It doesn’t sound like she needs constant help – just someone to come by a few hours a week to help with the heavy lifting. These are the types of services that can be provided via community service agencies, or perhaps via a church – you might also have neighbors who can help out with some of the tasks. Also, if finances allow, you might be able to hire a teenager in the neighborhood for some of those tasks as well. (If not, perhaps you can make arrangements via a social service agency). </p>

<p>It sounds like your mom really is scared and starting to worry, but even though it’s going to be hard for her, it will also be good in the long run that she is forced to become more self-reliant. Just as you are making a transition to adulthood as you go off to college, she is going to be making a transition – it will be hard at first, but the end result is that she will be more independent and confident. </p>

<p>Where does your older sister live? If she is nearby, maybe she can start to help out a little more. </p>

<p>If not – start by contacting local service agencies. You may have to make a few calls before you find the right place. Ideally, there may be services geared to immigrants from your mom’s native country and/or people who speak her language – such as a cultural center. </p>

<p>Do reassure her. It would be a good idea if you could try to find one or more support people to get involved in her life right now – so you can get to know them as well and exchange phone numbers – that way if she calls you when you are away and needs something, you will know who to call to take care of whatever problem has arisen. </p>

<p>I think a lot of parents feel this way as they face the empty nest – they wonder what their lives will be like when they are alone. But the problems your mom has raised are all very practical matters – so they really do have a practical solution. </p>

<p>I know you want to protect your privacy online, but if you post some general info about where you live (city or state) and the ethnicity or language involved … it’s quite possible that there will be some CC’er who can point you to some good leads for the kind of services I am talking about.</p>

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<p>I understand this, since I rely on my kids more and more as I get older. In my case, it’s not a language difficulty but other reasons. It’s easier to ask my kids to help with something than to struggle to do it myself. Physically, they help me with heavy lifting and household chores…in fact, I am asking them to help with a broken closet door this week! When they’re not here though, I figure stuff out myself. </p>

<p>You’ll get a lot of great advice here. Personally, I suggest giving her a hug when this comes up. It’s time for both of you to learn to be more independent. She will figure stuff out - maybe she’ll buy smaller bags that she can carry, for example. </p>

<p>I asked my kids to write up easy instructions for me for some of the things that they had handled before they went to school. If your Mom isn’t reading much, draw diagrams or use pictures. Does she have any neighbors or friends? Ask them to keep an eye on her when you’re gone. See if you can put together a little support system for her.</p>

<p>In a way, this is a little like having a kid who doesn’t want to do something that you know is good for him. If you hug him and provide a support system, you’ll get a lot further than if you talk, talk, talk and try to reason with the kid. You’ll never talk your mother into feeling good about losing your help. She won’t see this as an opportunity to become more independent. She’ll miss you, she relies on you and she’s panicking a little. All you can do is hug her over and over again, and remind her that you’ll talk frequently to compare notes on how both of you are doing in this adventure. Both of you will have things to talk about. Then, frankly, I’d change the subject to something more positive. The more she panicks and anticipates being lonely, the worse it will become for her. </p>

<p>In my opinion, it’s a little like handling a child who says he doesn’t want to go to the pediatrician. The more you try to convince the child that the visit is necessary, the more attention you focus on the visit. The kid gets a lot of attention for being afraid of going to the pediatrician, so it becomes a self-rewarding behavior. If you just say it’s no big deal and move on to another subject, you aren’t rewarding the kid for fearful behavior. </p>

<p>So try to let some of it roll over your head a little - after all, it doesn’t sound like she’s refusing to let you go to your school. She’s just sharing her fears and loneliness with you as you approach graduation in the wistful hope that things can stay the same. Yes, it’s very normal for your Mom to worry about the changes that are coming. It’s also normal for you to worry about how she will adjust without you.</p>

<p>My secretary’s daughter called her every day for her first year, and I got to see my secretary’s face light up with happiness. They only talked for a few minutes a day, but she was so thrilled to still feel part of her daughter’s life. It was very sweet. My own kids call at least once a week from their schools, and I’m happy when I hear from them too. That first year is an adjustment for everyone.</p>

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<p>I don’t want to sound harsh but I have a foreign-born parent too and the thought of making a permanent home in a new country and not learning the language is ludicrous. You know what? Your mom is going to have to learn to read, write, and speak English. And you know what? This will be really good for her in the long run. I know life without you as actively involved will be hard for her for a while and I know you’re worried but she will figure it out. Some of the things you do for her she’ll figure out how to do on her own.</p>

<p>In the time before you leave I’d focus on finding her an ESL class. Then start letting her do little things without you. Seems like she could make a <em>lot</em> of progress in the next 7-8 months.</p>

<p>And yes–expect a lot of tears between now and when you leave. Moms are miserable to see their wonderful children go, but they also know it’s what’s best for them. You’ll be able to leave with a clear conscience if your mom is in a better position to be independent by then.</p>

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<p>Your mom would be able to function with so much more confidence if she were able to speak English. Perhaps you can gently motivate her to begin some courses for adults now or this summer, while you’re around to encourage her and help her get started. She is probably frightened that she’ll need help and won’t be able to find a way to handle problems on her own. Ask around for adult education classes; as my friends and family members retire, most of us are hoping to volunteer in just such programs and, I assure you, they are usually taught by people who are eager to help immigrants, as many of us recall our own immigrant parents and grandparents, are are eager to give back. Within such a group she might find more support for herself, and perhaps a friend or two. Also, the suggestion to phone home each day or every other day is a wonderful one. As time goes on, you may be able to phone less often, though some children will continue to phone home briefly each day just to say hi and to touch base. It might offer the reassurance that she needs as she adjusts to being alone. Take a copy of your home phone book with you and know that you really could find any resource she needed (plumber, doctor, etc.) with just a quick phone call. With technology today, many of us are helping to care for someone who is out-of-town and it can be done.</p>

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<p>If your mom attends church that can be a huge resource for help and assistance especially within the immigrant community. I have a friend in HR at a company with a high number of immigrant workers spanning over ten different languages and cultures and the company often taps into the churches to assist with helping the employees with everything from understanding basic documents and verbal messages, to day-to-day issues like finding day care, mentor assistance within the congregation, etc. The type of issue you are facing is not unique. Often immigrant families come to rely on their children to be the bridge and when the “last” child is heading out these older family members are often lost and scared.</p>

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<p>Unless you plan to live with your mother forever, it is time for her to develop coping skills and make adjustments that will make independent living possible. Buying water or rice in smaller quantities is one example. Lest I sound too harsh, my mother came from a foreign country and was not fluent in English. She never became fluent but was able to manage. Your mother will also.</p>

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<p>Right now, you are the “crutch” that she is using. You are familiar and easy and comfortable; but momma will find other ways to manage without you, and she may actually grow to enjoy herself doing so. NOTHING stays the same in life.<br>
I agree with the poster who said to hook her up with ESL classes now (maybe you could go along with her the first few times…), and try to increase her involvement in church or senior citizen or outside activities.<br>
And - why the heck are you storing 8-gallon jugs of water? If it come out of the tap and is potable - drink it! ;)</p>

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<p>^^or think of alternatives to that status that will breed independence for “mom”…for the price of buying bottles of water, install a filter system for the tap water. Everytime she asks you for help, try to think of an alternative solution that does not require “help.” Be firm, but respectful.</p>

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<p>LaTina - Your mother has been in the U.S. for over ten years and isn’t yet an autonomous adult? What if you stayed home and went to a local college so you could help her - in four years would it be “If you go to grad school or pursue your career goals, who will help me when you’re gone?” If you consider marrying, will it be “If you settle down and raise your own family, who will help me when you’re gone?” Will you be living at home when you’re 50, helping your mother to do all the things that she didn’t attempt to learn to do for herself? It sounds as if the roles are somewhat reversed and that you’ll need to nudge your mom to spread her own wings and take flight - with love to be sure, but perhaps with tough love if necessary.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for all of this seriously great advice! I did not realize that there would be agencies that provided these type of services. Since I live in a very large Vietnamese community in OC, I do not believe it would be too hard to find that kind of help for her!</p>

<p>As for having her taking English language courses, I have pushed this idea ever since I was in elementary school (local elementary schools offered these language courses!), but she tells me she does not have time. I am not going to push her into going to classes, I’m hoping she will be able to pick up more English as she stops relying on me to translate. I know she has friends her age who are more fluent and more confident with their English, so they are an option for translating her mail, or anything else she needs!</p>

<p>We store 8-gallon water jugs because they taste better than filtered tap water. Maybe we can find a brand of water filters that doesn’t have the filtered water taste, this issue does not seem too hard to deal with!</p>

<p>Lastly, I know that for the kind of school I’m attending, there are Parent clubs available. Hopefully, I can get my mom involved with the parent clubs. Perhaps she’ll meet another Vietnamese parent, or maybe she would be able to practice speaking English more around the other parents. This sounds like something she’ll be up for!</p>

<p>I’m a little worried about the communication. I know that for the first couple of months, I will not be able to call home. Maybe this will be a great way for her to practice writing in English, or me writing in Vietnamese? :D</p>

<p>Thanks again, parents! Is there any more advice for what I can do within the upcoming months?</p>

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<p>You can start to recognize when you’re doing things that she can do, or things that will have to change. For instance, whenever she asks you do something, remind her that next year (or less), she should start to switch and make that switch slowly and seamlessly. The water is a perfect example. Have her purchase a different water system (filter or smaller jogs) now to get her used to the bigger changes coming. You can make this a fun outing, where you are both part of the discussion and decision. If you are asked to help around the house, fixing doors for instance, show her how to do it or find someone she can call to do these little maintenance jobs.</p>

<p>Most importantly, as mentioned here, she should begin to get more comfortable with the English language. If she speaks to you in Vietnamese, answer her in English. Write notes in English. And show her how words look and sound in English compared to Vietnamese. It’s very hard to train an older brain to learn a new language, especially because her pronunciation will never be good, but it is possible to know it enough to get by. She at least has to start and right now.</p>

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<p>Why won’t you be able to call home?</p>

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<p>Would you be able to email home? If so, many public libraries allow people to set up gmail or other email accounts and access them from library computers. You MAY be able to find libraries which offer keyboards with other characters. Alternatively, you could tell your mom that one reason she should learn English is that so she can read and exchange messages with you. </p>

<p>Your mom may be worried about being “foolish” if she goes back to school for ESL. Maybe you could buy her one of the many computer programs to learn English or have her use them at the library. Or you might be able to find a one on one program, which she might be more willing to try.</p>

<p>I don’t know how it works in OC, but here in New York, the libraries are FANTASTIC resources for immigrants. They are a good place to start looking for programs which might help your mom. Talk to a librarian and explain the situation. If you have a good relationship with your GC, talk to him/her too.</p>

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<p>Why won’t you be able to phone home? Are you entering the Naval Academy? I have never heard that they prohibit plebes (think that is the right term) from calling home.</p>

<p>Have you spoken to your Mom’s friends about this situation? Maybe they can help her become more independent. If she goes to the bank with a friend and sees then interacting independently as needed - perhaps that will give her more confidence.</p>

<p>Do you have any other relatives in the area that can help her?</p>

<p>The good news is that you have several months before you leave - start transitioning now. Push her gently to do more on her own. She may be able to do more than she lets on - but just finds it easier to have you do it for her.</p>

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<p>I will leave my computer at home, so I don’t see any reason for her to go to the library. She is trying to learn English through CDs, but I feel like it’s very ineffective. (speaks phrase in Vietnamese) (repeats phrase in English) (Now you try it!)</p>

<p>My mom really is not able to fit English classes into her schedule. I’m pretty confident that she has enough of a basic understanding of English, but she just needs to practice. If she wasn’t relying on me to communicate with her bank tellers, I’m sure she would have figured out that they would always be asking for the same thing. I guess there’s plenty of time between now and when I leave for her to practice doing these things for herself.</p>

<p>–</p>

<p>From what I understand, there are only three days when I’m allowed to call home using a cell phone during the first couple months? Though have read some things about buying a phone card and making collect calls?</p>

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<p>I’d start by contacting these folks at the Vietnamese Community of Orange County:
and see if you can speak with a social worker there.</p>

<p>[Vietnamese</a> Community of Orange County, Inc.](<a href=“http://www.thevncoc.org/index.html]Vietnamese”>http://www.thevncoc.org/index.html)</p>

<p>Best of luck as you move forward on this.</p>

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<p>Another thought – while you and your sister won’t be living at home, would it be possible for your mom to offer a free room to a needy college student in OC who could, in turn, provide her with some hours a week of assistance?</p>

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<p>Thanks again, parents!!</p>

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<p>Well…does your mom use the computer now? If not, you might want to get her a Vietnamese keyboard. There are also little sticker kits with Vietnamese characters that can be put on a regular keyboard. This would enable you mom to send you messages. Since you will be very busy, your mom could email you and you could answer when you have time.
That, of course, is assuming you will have access to email.</p>