I’m not sure Hillel will be “enough” for a frum parent, hence my focus on Chabad.
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Meet the Community - Brandeis University Meet the Community - Brandeis University
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That’s why I added the edit above but maybe you missed it - many Jews of all stripes tend to go to Chabad events. Once you’re there you can do your own thing. And of course you will have plenty of chance to meet non-Jews in class, dorms etc. But if it helps to set your mom’s mind at ease then I assume meeting the rabbi can’t hurt?
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Yes, I guess your right. Do you think I should pretend I’m going to be more religious than I am planning?
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Hence the issue.
I look at this as goals.
But this is a hard one admittedly.
If you want to go to a secular college and enter the nursing profession you mentioned, what do you have to do to achieve that goal?
I don’t think denouncing your religion is going to get you to your goal.
As stated above, once you’re in college the choices you make are up to you. But she’s paying the bills. Sometimes you need to give to get.
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I don’t know if she would help me out though even if she thought I was going to be more religious. I think she’s not planning on helping me pay or being supportive either way. But I guess it can’t hurt to keep her as happy as possible in the circumstances.
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Hmm
. What’s the point of her going on a college tour then?
As stated. Talk to an Orthodox Rabbi at one of the colleges. Or if there is someone in your community now that is open minded.
I know this is tough.
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She wants to go on the tour because she knows I’m going to college whether she likes it or not, and she wants to feel like she has more control over me and my decisions.
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I just think she doesn’t necessarily need to know all your plans on that front.
Also - you might find it hard to just switch entirely. Being able to connect with more secular Jews may be a more comfortable environment, at least to begin with.
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Honestly, having Shabbat with 100 students or Passover with 300 of your closest friends is actually kinda a cool experience.
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So let her having that feeling of control then. Give her that for now. She isn’t going to change. Your goal is to have the ability to go to college. If you look at what we know from her perspective, then I don’t blame her not wanting you to go. But if you give her what she needs, I think your chances improve. I would look for colleges that have a Rabbi you can speak with, which should be all you stated. Also if they have good mental health services. This way if it comes up you already looked into this aspect. This shows maturity.
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Will do! Thank you for all you advice and support. I really appreciate it.
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We went on all college visits with our kids…over 30 visits between two kids. We went to the info sessions, and on the tours. Lots of students had parents with them…actually…most had parents with them.
I believe you also need to work for a couple of years as a nurse.
Are you planning to apply to direct admit nursing programs? You should check your community colleges to see if they offer nursing. You can get an associates in nursing, work while getting your BSN, and then continue on to become a NP.
@2plustrio is a psychiatric NP one that requires advanced training after the NP status is achieved.
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@EastH I would suggest you do a chance me/match me thread. It will give the folks here some better information in terms of college suggestions.
Go to the chance me/match me section of this forum. When you click on that section, you will see a blue button for new messages. Click that and the template will pop up. Please complete the whole thing. Folks here might be able to help you.
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OP, there are tens of thousands of Beis Yakov graduates who have graduated from college, grad school, are working professionals. So try to de-escalate the conversation going forward. Make this less about lifestyle and focus on your educational goals. You need to be ahead of the curve, not playing defense
Look at Touro to start and see if you and your mom can find common ground. Go from there. They’ve got all kinds of special programs for woman only classes, sensitivity towards whatever concerns she has.
My mom was taken care of by a cardiac care nurse at a huge teaching hospital…in the ICU, one of the top facilities in the country. We got to chatting… She was raised Satmar, and was working on her NP degree. I asked if her parents were supportive of her ambition, work, lifestyle, etc. She described her journey…a fascinating story. But basically said that once she reframed it as “I want to heal the sick and save lives” they came around.
So change the channel with your mom. Stop talking about your lifestyle and what you will or won’t be observing. Don’t go there. Talk about your drive to heal people and save lives. And that starts with becoming a nurse and learning everything you can. And then take her on college tours and know that everyone else on the tour wishes their parents would stay home. Every time you make an issue out of something trivial you make it easier for your mom to say " you aren’t mature enough for college".
So focus on your drive to save lives. Gonna be tough to argue that point. The Rambam was a physician in an age when medicine was nowhere near as advanced as it is today. You have an opportunity to stand on the shoulders of giants by going to college to study healthcare!
Good luck. You can do this.
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I had a college friend in the same situation. She chose a college with a huge Orthodox population, convinced her frum parents that it was a “safe” place to go where she could continue to be Orthodox, and then never set foot at Hillel or the kosher dining hall and lied to her parents for four years. It was what she needed to do to get the education she needed (30 years later - she’s not Orthodox now).
If that’s your route, the secular schools popular with Orthodox Jews these days are SUNY Binghamton, University of Maryland, Rutgers, Brandeis (my daughter goes here and loves it).
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If your mom isn’t paying anything for college either way, that will limit your college choices to what you can pay for on your own. Maybe you move out, work full-time (maybe get certified as a CNA which you can do in Ohio now, assuming that’s where you live), and take community college courses part-time.
As others have said federal student loans are capped at $27K total undergrad for most students. Your mom will have to complete FAFSA every year for you to qualify for these loans because you are her dependent, until 24 in college financial aid land. There are loan companies that give non-cosigned loans to undergrads, but their interest rates are high, typically in the mid-teens, so I would generally not recommend that. Ascent funding, one of CC’s partners is in this business.
Will you qualify for any need based aid?
If your mom would pay for college in certain circumstances, for example, if you follow the strategy blossom laid out, then she gets to go on college tours. You would have to agree on a budget with her. Then, run NPCs at each college with her, so she understands what college will cost.
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If you live in/near NYC look into the CUNY schools – if affordable, some have dorms.
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CUNY is a good suggestion too. Queens College is affordable, has dorms, and has a frum community (which you don’t need to be a part of)
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If you follow some of the advice here and reach out to the Rabbis on campus before going, your mom might start getting excited about the prospects of college by going on tours with you. College tours are very much a sales pitch and most of them do a very good job at selling their schools and getting kids AND parents excited.
I also wanted to say that it’s the rule, not the exception that parents go on tours with their kids. 99% of students will have their parents with them.
Also a note that most universities are very multicultural and open minded places. No one will judge you by your attire, nor by your mom’s questions.
Wishing you the best!
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