My mom wishes to bury me for college financially. Please help!

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I have to have Penn

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<p>Go for it! You CAN make it happen for yourself. And what a good feeling that is!</p>

<p>I don't know how much money I would be making in a year.</p>

<p>Max,
It seems that both you and your mom are taking extreme positions that keep either of you finding any kind of compromise position.</p>

<p>Not going to Penn doesn't mean getting "screwed over." That's as extreme a comment as your mom's thoughts that college is a waste of time.</p>

<p>I think that your presenting your concerns to your mom as if she's trying to bury you (I assume that your subject header reflects how you view this situation) are adding fuel to the flame. She also may view your insisting on college as indicating that you do not value your family because of their lack of education.</p>

<p>It really could be helpful if you and your mom would sit down with a person like a counselor who might be able to help the 2 of you hear each other, including both of your hurt, anger and grief, and then work out a solution that both of you could comfortably live with.</p>

<p>I agree NSM... I can see your point, but how can I argue this without getting angry? Any way I try to present the argument she screams at me. She just absolutely hates the idea.</p>

<p>yes, Max. I agree with NSM. You might need some professional counselling. Even the title of your thread, the use of the word "Bury", gives me pause. The loss of your father may be all mixed up in your decision making--and your mom's too.</p>

<p>Do you have easy access to a counselor?</p>

<p>I was trying to get a hold of a a financial aid officer that is the mother of a friend of mine and have her try to help us through things.</p>

<p>How about a counselor who can help with issues of grief and anger?</p>

<p>A priest?</p>

<p>We've tried that before and my mom lied about a lot of the things that I felt were main problems in the family.</p>

<p>You can earn at least $3,000 summers for tuition
$2,000 during the school year for your expenses + books
and a $5,000 loan every year is a little steep- but if it enables you to attend your 1st choice school it isnt' unreasonable.
It sounds as if your mother is very depressed I would encourage her to try and work- as it can help a great deal to be occupied while trying to get distance from a tragedy.
I understand what you are going through- my father died on fathers day the week I should have graduated from high school ( if I was on track to graduate- which I wasn't)
my mother gave me $1,000 most of which I spent on a car to get to work. I didn't expect any more from her as she had never mentioned helping any of us attend college or even that she thought we were capable of attending college.
You are way ahead of where I was- you have been taking a strong courseload in school, and you have very good options even if you don't get to attend your first choice shcool.
If you read through some of the posts on the board- you will see that other students have gotten a lot out of where ever they finally decided to attend school, even when it was far from their first choice
good luck.</p>

<p>Okay, how about focusing on you? Do you have a school coujnselor who might be able to help you work through these issues? The better you understand the situation, the more strength you will have to actually take on the challenges of getting yourself to Penn.</p>

<p>legend - Try to separate the issue at hand from how angry you and your mom are at each other. First examine the realities that everyone has reviewed with you here on the level of debt you have to take on. Figure out what your rational decision would be about where to go to college. Then examine the anger you and your mom have between the two of you. You guys have been through a lot. Lots of teenagers and their moms scream at each other. But this is something that affects your life so you have to work hard to make an intelligent decision.</p>

<p>If counseling isn't available, find another adult to help you work through the actual facts of paying for Penn - because you should be ready to do this if it matters to you and your mom just can't bring herself to pay. Separately, find an adult, or a friend, or just come here to vent about how angry you are that your mom won't do what you think she should do. </p>

<p>Sometimes anger is useful, it propels us to fight hard and to accomplish a lot. Sometimes it gets in the way. In this case, it's just going to get in your way.</p>

<p>I am really sorry you are going through this right now. I have a suspicion that mixed in with this anger is sorrow. That's usually how people work.</p>

<p>Maybe you could "borrow" the money from your mom? Instead of an outside company/firm.... agree to a 10 yr repayment plan after you are graduated and begin a job? That way, she won't go thru it all herself...and will get money back down the road?? not sure how to even broach this if all dialog is shouting but, perhaps your neighbor who is financial consultant can help strike a deal? Best wishes</p>

<p>What is the best way to alleviate her anger?</p>

<p>I usually do not get involved in discussions about one's finances and typically resent a certain sense of entitlement by students. In this case, however, I disagree with the comment about HAVING to show more empathy towards the mother, and that the mother is under no obligation to pay for higher education. </p>

<p>Well, I beg to differ on both counts. In addition to the death benefits, Legend's mother receives $1,500 a month in child's support FOR Legend. Part of the $14,000 represents the cost of room and board. In this case, the $18,000 received by the mother is not exactly meant to allow her to avoid rejoining the workforce. I feel that it is entirely heartless to tell Legend to look for job when his mother is "grieving" at a craps' table in Las Vegas. </p>

<p>I agree that $500,000 is not very much, but there is no reason to believe that the $500,000 should guarantee a lifestyle of idleness and R&R. Most families -including families with one breadwinner- do NOT have such a nest egg and go into debt to help their children afford college. </p>

<p>This is a very sad situation that compounds the tragic loss of a father. I agree that Legend might attempt to reconcile the different opinions, but I would advise him to find out exactly how much of the benefits are supposed to be for his benefit (the 1,500/month) and investigate if his father did not leave a will that might contain provisions for educational expenses. Children owe their parents respect, but the parental obligations do not stop when life takes a turn for the worse.</p>

<p>I think what's getting overlooked here is that this was as huge a loss for Legendofmax as it was for his mother. I don't think it's fair to tell him that he lacks empathy when this has undoubtedly been just as hard on him as on his mom. He just lost his father- I applaud the fact that he's ready to go to college this fall. </p>

<p>Legendofmax- I don't have the kind of good advice that parents on this board are likely to give. What I do want to give you is my absolute best wishes and my heartfelt condolences. I can only imagine how difficult these past few months must have been for you and your family. Good luck.</p>

<p>perhaps you could try to defer admission for a year or even two??</p>

<p>Legend - I realize you are under alot of stress over this - BUT please consider your mom's situation also - she is also under alot of stress too. I realize also that you have suffered a tremendous loss - your dad - your mom has also lost her life partner - your family is in the midst of very chaotic times right now and probably will be for several months to come. The timing of your college needs is difficult for all of you - and we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. It sounds as tho your mom is very stressed out and may be having a very difficult with all the adjustments of the past few months. </p>

<p>You are in a very difficult situation for a young person and maybe there is some type of compromise you can approach her with - like maybe you/60 and her/40 split of this 14,000 - with you taking loans for your share. BUT YOU need to approach this in a calm and mature fashion - maybe even put it in a letter to her - instead of trying to confront her. Explain - from your heart and respect how she feels about things also. By offering her an alternative and keeping the discussion about this in a positive light - maybe - just maybe you will be able to work with her on this. Right now you sound very very angry with her. This may be a good time also for YOU to get outside support - I am sure you have some feelings for your own loss that make it difficult for you to maybe objective and your actions may be just as baffeling to your mom.</p>

<p>I am sure there is SOME way to work thru this - another adjustment in both of your lives. Raised voices and anger will not get you anywhere - a calm and gentle approach may be a better way to deal with this. I am sorry for your loss and for the hard feelings that have come out of all this for you.</p>

<p>I somewhat agree with a couple of the above posts - that mom does have the ability to help you - as money is coming into the household for ''you'' - I guess my question would be - where does that $$ fit into the picture when you leave the nest for college?? - I would think it shoud be earmarked - at least in part - for education. Your mom may not see it that way - and you may actually have a legal issue regarding those funds.</p>

<p>legendofmax - Baby you may not be able to fix her anger. But cheers is right. Take care of yourself. And right now that means figuring out how to pay for Penn. If xiggi is right and some of the $1500 is child support maybe there is something in his suggestions. Try writing it all down - How will I pay for Penn?</p>

<p>"In addition to the death benefits, Legend's mother receives $1,500 a month in child's support FOR Legend. Part of the $14,000 represents the cost of room and board."</p>

<p>This is what sparked her anger over the phone. I told her that I wanted to put that money towards college and she exploded and told me I was being disrespectful -- she had to live off that money and she thought it was horrible that I even mentioned it.</p>

<p>So it isn't child support - that's all she has to live on?</p>