I bet we’re not the only one with a smart kid who struggles with perfectionistic tendencies. I believe that perfectionism can hold us back from reaching our potential just as much as disorganization, laziness, etc. With that in mind, I have changed my message to my 10th grader completely. When she begins an assignment, I always ask “how much is it worth…can you budget your time proportionally” and “Do you have a clear understanding of what the teacher wants?” Since I started asking these questions in 8th grade, she has now internalized them. Second, I never say “You are smart” when she gets an A…I say “You must have used great study strategies. What paid off the most? Did you do anything that took time and didn’t really pay off?” I just started this verbage this year, and have seen dramatic improvements in her time management. What do the rest of you do that helps? Looking for tips for IB and honors next year…aak!
I very much believe its an important skill to learn. a wise woman once told me that is just as important to learn when its ok to do ok, rather than your best at all costs.
I just had this argument with my own kid–a homework assignment, worth 20 pts…the expectation of the assignment was to cut and paste something to show mastery of the computer program they were learning. my self taught doofus spent roughly 20 hours diy’ing the whole shebang–she could have whipped the meat of the assignment out in a flash, but honesty chose to overcomplicate the whole thing. I couldn’t make her see that she needed to balance doing her best with the weight of the assignment…no matter HOW much “extra special” stuff she did, she was getting the same 20 pts as the kid that slapped it together. it is very hard to convey this skill as a parent–while I want her to exceed and do her best, I certainly don’t want it do be disproportionate to the end result. imo, its a skill worth learning, but can be very tough to balance with enthusiasm. even I recognize her diligence and skill–i’m certainly proud of her–but at the end of the day…its still the same 20pts.
I have also dealt with this issue. But I wouldn’t focus just on how many points is it worth, except when time is really at a premium and some triage has to be done. Ask your child if they are learning anything from all the extra effort. It’s one thing to decide that an assignment has value over and above the points and spend time on it because they find it interesting. But a waste of time to slave over it if it’s not something they are enjoying doing or learning from.
I do think it’s a mistake for parents to tell kids that the purpose of the work is to earn those points.
Your point is well taken, mathyone. It makes me sad that With the amount of homework given, most of the time she must triage. That said, there are plenty of assignment that clearly get the extra mile regardless of point value.
^My first spent more time calculating what needed to be done to stay just north of a C than he did doing the actual work - in every subject.
My second put disproportionate amounts of effort into subjects/assignments that she found enjoyable/interesting rather than ones she found unpleasant - with absolutely no regard for grades.
My third is competitive and wants to compete academically, so he follows the closest to the OP’s strategy; putting in the greatest time and effort where he will benefit the greatest in terms of grades.
And my youngest is the ultimate perfectionist and would not tolerate anything less than her best work whether it is a midterm exam worth a third of the grade or a poster on the Roman Colosseum.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe they were all raised in the same house.
I remember when my kids were 3 and 9. I made a comment to my Mom about how I couldn’t believe how different they were. THere was a very long pause, and she said “Have you LOOKED at your brother and sisters?”
I let my kids do their own work AND manage their own time. I help if asked but only if asked. I don’t think it is wrong to help kids who need help but I do think that by high school parents should allow the kids to drive the homework bus.
I had no choice. My gifted kid was/is as strong willed as his parents. Years later he finally let us know how bored he was in HS- despite being accelerated et al, too bad there weren’t the online opportunities that now exist back then. Post #8- agree with you, but for us we had no choice in “letting” and “allowing” him do things his way- defiance is a word that comes to mind. Personality plays a role along with parenting.
Our kids weren’t perfect. There were times, even in HS, when we offered assistance when asked. NOT for day to day homework, typically…but for more long term assignments or projects.
It’s wonderful IF a student can handle all of their own homework/assignment issues in HS. But you know…we all don’t have perfect kids who can do so without a little help.
@thumper1 - who said they had perfect kids? Surely you aren’t referring to me.
The OP asked what others do that helps. I answered. My answer is that I let them do their thing and help when asked. That doesn’t mean I think they are perfect. It just means I let them do their thing. Sometimes their thing wasn’t/isn’t perfect but I still let them do it their way unless they ask for help or it becomes apparent that they need help. You see so many threads here on CC from college students who flounder their first year. I am sure that a large percentage of those kids are super smart but never learned how to manage their own work load. IMO college is too late to learn that skill.
Because I am in special education and used to helping, with DD1 I always had plenty of suggestions and gave lots of practical strategies. I am sure that many would call me a helicopter parent, but every child should be honored for their differences and parented as they need to be parented, and we felt that’s what she needed. Some of my help was accepted, some was (I thought) discounted or ignored. Although it initially irritated me, I realize that is a high schooler’s JOB - to differentiate from their parents just like they do when they are 2. DD1 went away to college on the other coast and I was very worried that she would flounder. Guess what? She flew. All that stuff I told her to do that she had discounted? She did all that and more. When I asked her about it, she said “It’s not that I wasn’t listening - I just put that advice into the freezer in my brain, and defrosted it when I needed it”. Important lesson. DD2 needs NOTHING that DD1 needed (of course not - that would be too easy), but needs a different tone and method of guidance (more the “Wow - you figured that out” and the “Stop studying and go to bed” variety). I learned and learn new strategies from both of them. I must admit that a technique I learned from a poster here (wish I could remember who) has been an important key to parenting both of them of late. When DD1 calls for advice, or DD2 asks for guidance, my “go to” is now to say “I can give you advice on ways I might handle that, but you are in the situation and you know best. Here’s five ways you can handle it - would any of them work?” I then remind either one of how they successfully handled a similar situation in the past, and what great judgement they had. Someone also said to never call back to give more advice after kid has vented unless they ask. They aren’t asking you to lay in bed at night and think about their problem, and it is disempowering to think they haven’t reevaluated and made the best choice.
I’m not really involved in the day to day week, I rarely know what the homework is, and often don’t even hear about the tests. My hs kids would be offended if I tried to micromanage that. Where I feel they may need some support in hs is for preparing for big exams like APs. Kids who are used to getting by with zero to a few hours study at most may not be thinking about a longer term study strategy.
I, too, pretty much let both my kids manage their day to day work on homework, exam studying etc. with pretty regular check ins at the dinner table (how are things going are you all set for this week’s text/assignments? is anything big coming up?). I am pretty sure both kids would call me a nag and it’s true that they were both very responsible about getting their work done. They really didn’t want to hear our lectures about not waiting to the last minute, etc. And they were both pretty packed schedule wise so they had to buckle down and get to their work rather than procrastinate. D13 has done just fine in college grades wise with a ridiculously busy schedule. We shall see how S16 does in engineering. I have been preaching to him to keep up, not bet behind, seek help, etc.
There’s a little book I found recently by Brian Tracy called “Eat That Frog!” which I am finding helpful in my own life. Some kids of HS or college age might find it helpful as well. Very fast read.
I’m pretty much a hands-off academic parent, but I do have a child who not only has perfectionist tendencies but also slight anxiety/OCD issues. One of the big lessons I have to convey is how not to be overwhelmed by large projects and just get started. So rather than telling her what she should do, I ask her how she can break the work down into smaller segments so that she can tackle a little at a time. Once she gets into the project/assignment, it becomes easier for her to manage. I consider this a life lesson, because I know I won’t be there for her in college or in life when something goes wrong; she’s going to have to learn to handle things herself in her own way.