My mother is overbearing about my health.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi parents! I hope you don’t mind my intruding here; I wanted to ask for your advice.</p>

<p>Background info: I am 18 and will be going to college about a 4-hour drive away in a few weeks. My parents are both rather socially conservative though not religious. They are both doctors, and most of their friends are other doctors they’ve studied or worked with.</p>

<p>Though they were incredibly overprotective in my early teens, they have granted me more freedom and responsibility over my life in the past couple of years. However, there is one area where they refuse to let me grow up, and that is my own health. My mother has always accompanied me to doctor’s visits, and she is an active participant in those visits. When my doctors ask me basic questions that I know the answers to, such as what I’m allergic to, she answers without giving me a chance to. I have asked her to stop monopolizing my doctor’s visits, but her logic is that since she knows so much about medicine, as well as about my own medical record, she should be making my medical decisions for me.</p>

<p>While I don’t think she is correct in accompanying me to doctor’s visits when I don’t want her to, I had never had a serious problem with it. The turning point came when I asked her to see a gynecologist for the first time this past winter. I felt it was an appropriate time to do so, before I went off to college, and I had also been having some issues with my period that I wanted to discuss. My mother agreed, and we set up an appointment with her ob/gyn. Once we got there, my mother assumed that she would be included in the appointment, but the doctor asked me what I wanted (yay!) and I told her that I would feel more comfortable seeing her alone, so my mother waited outside. After talking to the doctor, we decided to put me on birth control pills to help regulate my period (which we told my mother) and as birth control (which we didn’t tell my mother, at my request, as I knew she would disapprove).
My mother assumed that the reason I wanted her out of the room during my appointment was because I was sexually active and didn’t want her to know. She became angry and started lecturing me about how I should wait until marriage, etc. At my next gyno appointment, she insisted on being in the room while the doctor saw me and talked to me, which I think was highly inappropriate. I became so tense because she was in the room that the doctor found it difficult to examine me, picked up on my tension, and asked my mother to leave. She refused.
My mother has since then even taken control over my birth control pills. When they arrived in the mail, she opened the package, saw that they had sent the generic instead of the specific one my gyno had recommended, and immediately called my gyno and then the company to change the order.</p>

<p>The second, and smaller, issue is that I have outgrown my pediatrician, and need to find a new doctor. Since many of my parents’ friends are doctors, my mother wants me to see one of them, since she trusts them to take good care of me. I don’t feel comfortable with this, and would rather have a different doctor. I don’t want someone whose children I babysit and who comes to my dad’s birthday party to examine me or know my medical history. But my mother doesn’t seem to understand my desire for privacy.</p>

<p>I would appreciate any advice! I have a good relationship with my parents in general now, and I just don’t understand how to get through to my mother on this one issue. Thank you in advance.</p>

2

<p>I am sure the medical professionals will offer far better advice, but I think since you are 18, the decisions are yours to make, including having her present for appointments. But even if it is a legal right, managing the family dynamics are more important. Time for a calm sit down conversation about fears, needs, independence, letting go, etc.</p>

3

<p>This is a difficult issue for you to navigate. I think you will need your doctor’s help with this. You need privacy, because there is a strong risk that you will not be honest with your doctor if your mother is there or may hear from your doctor (indeed, you admit that this has essentially already happened).</p>

<p>Others will probably note that you are an adult, and that your mother doesn’t have the right to accompany you, etc., and this is true. However, you are still dependent on your parents, and this is as much a family problem as it is a legal one.</p>

<p>One thing you might do is just cool it for a few weeks, and then when you go to college, go to the health service there and get a referral to doctors near the college. You will be there more than you will be at home, and it will make sense to see a doctor there.</p>

4

<p>Are you 18? If so your mother has no right to get information about your medical visits and needs. Heck , when I go to the pharmacy to get a list of all of the prescriptions, they won’t give me my college kids’ stuff because they are 18 even if we pay for the insurance which is through H’ s job, we paid for the doctor’s visit, went with them to the doctor’s visit, picked up the prescription and paid for the prescription. Have to get the kids to release the info. </p>

<p>In my day, most girls just went to a doctor local to the college and cut the parents out of that aspect of their lives. For some of us who are my age, we are incredulous at how involved parents are in every single aspect of their adult kids lives, since most of us, really all the students I knew, took care of their own things when they went off to college. Only truly serious issues got back to the parents. So it is with my kids. I was not really all that happy that my college student did not call me about his broken nose till it was medically fixed, but I am glad he took the responsibility on himself.</p>

5

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<p>WOW. As a medical professional, your mother is well aware that her behavior was grossly inappropriate, both legally and ethically. I agree with others that you need to find yourself another doctor near your college. Additionally, you have a right to refuse to see any doctor you don’t want to. I get that many parents believe that as long as you are financially dependent on them that they have the right to be involved in all aspects of your life, and for many issues, I basically agree. However, I believe your Mom has crossed a line and the only way you keep her at bay is to take charge of your medical privacy, i.e. no more gynecology appointments while you are in town.</p>

6

<p>Okay, you’re going off to Smith in a few months. COngratulations!</p>

<p>If I were you, I’d postpone all this until you get to college. There’s a health service at Smith. See a doctor there. It’ll be much easier than having the fight while you’re still living at home.</p>

<p>I agree with those who say your mother is inappropriately invading your privacy. It makes me wonder what she is so afraid of. Are there secrets in your medical records that she doesn’t want you to know? Was she molested by someone? I’m a terrible cynic, as others will happily tell you, but this behavior is just plain over-the-top and there has to be a reason for it somewhere. </p>

<p>I would suggest that you pick a time when you’re both relaxed–not at the doctor’s office–and ask “why do you feel the need to come in the doctor’s office with me?” Ask calmly, not confrontationally.</p>

<p>I did not go into the doctor’s office with my kids after they were 14 or so, unless they asked me to be there. When my daughter’s collarbone was broken (when she was hit by a car) two years ago (age 23), I <em>did</em> go in with her, and insisted on staying with her. I had very clear reasons for doing it, and I explained them to her, and she agreed. Those reasons were: “you’re on painkillers and you won’t be listening well; I want to make sure all your questions are answered and that we both understand the answers.”</p>

7

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<p>Yes, this. At college you’ll be in charge of your own healthcare, and unless you have a medical problem when you’re home on vacation you needn’t have your mother involved at all if you don’t want her to be.</p>

8

<p>While I do not approve of some of your mother’s actions (following you into the exam room, being nosy, insisting on picking a doctor she knows, etc.), this one I agree with:</p>

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<p>Although the FDA demands that generic pills contain exactly the same active ingredient as the corresponding brand-name medication, there may be a difference in the other, inactive ingredients, and the formulation can affect the way the active ingredient gets absorbed and distributed through your body. So I agree with your mother on this one. However, I would have handled it differently: first, I would have checked Medline and other reputable sources of information to see if there have been any reports suggesting that this particular generic formulation had some side effects not reported for the brand name drug, then I would have had a talk with my D, discussed the findings and asked her to call her doctor to change the prescription to “no substitutions allowed”. I’m surprised that your doctor even discussed your prescription with your mother. Isn’t that a breach of patient’s confidentiality? When my D was in the ER many miles away from home, she called me and asked me to talk to the doctor because she was scared, in pain and because I happened to know some things about the particular bug she thought she was suffering from, the doctor asked her again for permission if it was OK to discuss her health with me.</p>

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<p>Teenage_cliche, your mother’s behavior is totally inappropriate and shows an astounding lack of boundaries. That said, I think trying to go to a doctor without her knowledge might be tricky financially. I assume that your school health services are free so that part is easy. However, if you see an outside provider, you will need to show your insurance coverage card and the insurance company’s explanation of benefits will go to the address on file-your home address. I have to guess that your mother would question why you need a copy of the card and I assume you don’t have access to enough information to call the insurance company yourself to request a card, as well as that your EOBs be sent to your school address. Also, there may be deductibles and co-pays that you could not afford to cover.</p>

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<p>While I would have also suggesting using a health care practitioner at your college…there is one issue to keep in mind. Your parents will likely know you’ve been to the doctor. If you are on your parent’s health insurance, they will probably get some kind of record of the visit, if there are any charges – even if it’s just a co-pay. So…if you think they won’t know, they might.</p>

<p>As another point of reference: Even though my kids were still going to the pediatrician, once they hit puberty, I stopped going into the examining room with them, unless they asked me to.</p>

<p>Have you had any serious or chronic medical issues? I think that would be the only reason why I might even consider taking your Mom’s side on this one…</p>

11

<p>Can you enlist your dad’s support or that of another adult whose opinion she might value?</p>

12

<p>Dependents (including especially college students who are away from home) who are covered under their parents’ health insurance plan should always have their own health insurance cards. What would happen if you are far from home and have a health emergency? Even if ERs are supposed to take anyone without regard to ability to pay, the amount and quality of care one receives may crucially depend on the ability to produce evidence of health insurance.</p>

<p>That being said, the subscriber (most likely the parents) will eventually get an Explaination of Benefits form for any health care visit that utilizes the health insurance.</p>

13

<p>We pay a health fee at my D’s university and it covers all visits to the health center, including women’s health. I won’t see a bill appointments unless she is hospitalized. I think Smith might be smaller than that, but I’d bet there is something that could be done. Perhaps you cuold ask around at college. Planned Parenthood provides women’s healthcare.</p>

14

<p>You might consider Pm’ing Pizzagirl. She might have some suggestions for you.</p>

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<p>Why would the parent of any child going away to college question the need for a copy of the insurance card? In fact, why wouldn’t they insist that she take one with her?</p>

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<p>^Yes. D went through four years of college and had physicals, gynecological exams, etc. through the university’s health service. I only knew about these because she told me. The only time we ever got an EOB was when she once saw an outside doctor.</p>

17

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Both of my Ds’ colleges required a copy on file. Which was a blessing when my D1 was taken to the hospital by ambulance in her second week on campus with a monstrous case of food poisoning.</p>

<p>T_C make sure you have a copy of the health insurance card. Not having it could delay your care in an emergency. I’m sure your mother knows that.</p>

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And wasn’t the doctor performing the exam inappropriate, as well? I can’t imagine being present for a gyn exam, except in the highly unlikely case that my d might want me there. Our pediatricians handled the issue of parental presence quite well, I think. Once our girls were 14 or so (can’t remember the exact age now), they went in to the examining room by themselves, were weighed and measured, examined by the MD, and then got dressed. Then I was invited in to the MD’s office, with my d, for a brief recap and any questions. Yes, the MD certainly asked about sexual activity, drinking/smoking/drugs, other at-risk behaviors, stress, eating disorders, etc., out of my presence. I think this was absolutely appropriate. Some kids will not seek medical help if they think their parents will be told about certain behaviors.</p>

<p>OP, so sorry for your difficulty with your mom. It’s surprising that a well-educated professional, especially in this field, wouldn’t see that her behavior was out of line. Fwiw, you’ll probably find that she adjusts to the idea of you becoming an adult once you’ve been off at school for a while. Sure hope so!</p>

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<p>I hope she knows what HIPAA is. She is a doctor but not yours.</p>

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<p>Yowsa. My sons still invite me to come in for the annual check-up, but I’m only there for the general chat. I excuse myself for exams or sex/drugs/drinking conversations. They now do dentist visits and orthopedic stuff on their own since they can use public transit if I’m not around to drive. Navigating the health care system is an important life skill.</p>

<p>I can’t imagine not sending my kids off to school without an health insurance card. If they are injured playing a sport or in a car accident, the local hospital needs that info. I don’t want my kid on a gurney untreated with a torn ACL or needing stitches while someone tries finding DH or me to see if he has insurance. (My example is to distinguish between injuries that need urgent treatment, for which the hospital may want to confirm coverage first, vs. serious injuries, which hospitals will treat immediately.)</p>

<p>Agree that campus health will be competent to take care of your gyn needs. When I was in college, the health service recognized that a lot of young women were having their first gyn exams there vs at home (which was definitely the case with me), so they were very knowledgeable, comforting and compassionate. They made a serious effort to educate their patients, not just about birth control, but about their bodies.</p>