My over achiever S is feeling STRESSED!!!. Should he quit swimming?

Parents Forum
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<p>I’m no psychologist but overachievement and stress are often close companions and some people are just programmed to overachieve. A large part of the dilemma may be merely vocabulary. Try to see if you can get him to understand that he is DISCONTINUING swimming because of other priorities and not QUITTING. Surely there have been other things which he has discontinued growing up. This swimming thing is just one more of those things.</p>

<p>It would be nice if he could work on the overachievement thing a little bit too IF it is leading to undue stress. But like I said before that just may be who he is and merely needs to manage those things which cause aviodable stress.</p>

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<p>Orignaloog, that is great advice. Something I need to work on is how I word things. Many times the same advice or statement can get a rise out of a person just from the wording. Often in order to meet commitments of another sort, a person has to set aside other activities. To be spread so thin as to do less than optimum on some things is no favor to anyone. But as you point out, there are those who are more stressed, not doing a lot of things than doing them, and sometimes more unhappiness and other unpleasant consequences come out of doing what appears to be the most logical solution.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all who have replied that doesn’t include Ryan2288. S didn’t want to talk today so I’ll wait and see how he plays this out. I think he will be leaving swimming to fulfill his other commitments to the levels he’s happy with . I think he had his mind made up when he told us he wasn’t sure what to do… although he wanted to feel us out. If the days had 34 hours in it and not 24 hour I think he’d be OK and still swim. I know he’ll be OK. I know it’s all part of growing up. It nice to hear other thoughts and comments. I have taken some of everyone advise,discontinuing, gut feeling etc. Thanks again</p>

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<p>have him see his guidance counselor- thats what they are there for. he/she can help him prioritize, and see things from a different perspective. i’m sure the guidance counselors at his school see this all the time</p>

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<p>As my two sons are growing older (17 and 19) I find that my best contribution is a delicately timed “Uh huh?” If I make too many suggestions, that just seems to bring out their frustration. I’d suggest letting him talk to his GC, friends, coach or anyone else, and then make his own decision. I’d then respond, “That’s nice, sweetie.” </p>

<p>I find that if my kids make decisions based on what I want them to do, it comes back to haunt me. That’s one reason why I’m careful about suggesting college majors, etc. They have to learn to live with the consequences of their own decisions, and it’s nice if you can just be supportive, as you seem to be. He’ll come to his own decision in his own time.</p>

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<p>as the parent of a swimmer I would say stay on the team- he needs some balance- something that isn’t academic and that he doesn’t have to write a paper for</p>

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<p>He is very close to his GC. He goes to a small school so she knows him well. What has been said I don’t know although I asked him if they talked. I’m not sure what he has said to his friends either. I 'm trying to keep a low profile. I know swimming isn’t his top priority. He took his school gym bag with him today. He usually works out in the weight room on Tuesdays so he doesn’t take his bag. So that is why I’m assuming he is discontinuing swimming. I can only wait and see. Thanks again for all your words of wisdom.</p>

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<p>Sometimes kids have to learn that the world won’t come to an end if they quit, er, discontinue something. Or if they get a B instead of an A- when they did their best. Life lessons.</p>

<p>And it is tough when they want to do everything, and do it all well. Good philosophy, but only up to a point!</p>

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<p>To the Original Poster: Get a copy of the book Less Stress, More Success, which was co-authored by Merilee Jones, dean of admissions at MIT. She faced a similar issue with her daughter, and that’s when she began to realize that she wanted her daughter to be a human BEING not a human DOING. </p>

<p>If it helps any, my son played varsity football his freshman and sophomore year. He did very well, but the grueling year round schedule took its toll and he finally came to us and said he felt like he didn’t have time to do anything except football and homework. He also admitted that, while he liked football, he didn’t love it. We left the decision of whether or not to keep playing up to him - it was, after all, his life. His coaches, and many of the other “football families” were quite upset with his decision, and put a lot of pressure on him (and us) to continue. We told him to just follow his own heart, and we would be proud of whatever he decided.</p>

<p>He saw stopping football not as “quitting” but as an OPPORTUNITY to pursue his many other interests. Since he opted out of football, he’s sharpened his drumming skills, taken saxaphone and bass guitar lessons, formed a rock band with friends, spent hours doing independent philosophy and science reading/research, written some terrific poetry, and gotten heavily involved with his school’s drama productions. Oh yes, he also spends plenty of time just hanging out in his room, or going out with friends.</p>

<p>He’s probably spending just as more time on all of these activities than he ever did with football, but, unlike football, he loves them all. We have absolutely no regrets about giving him the OK to opt out of football, and he is much happier. His grades have gone up, but frankly, that is a relatively minor thing to us – what matters is that he is happy, less stressed, and has time to just enjoy life.</p>

<p>Life is very short. Why should our kids be forced to do something they don’t love out of some ill-gotten fear that they might not get into college if we let them stop? As Merilee Jones says in her book, focus on creating a human BEING not a human Doing.</p>

<p>Best of luck to your son.</p>

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<p>SJMom, my hat is off to you. I think this is what parenting a teen is really all about. We catch them if they are in life-threatening danger, of course, but otherwise, we have to let them make mistakes, and learn from them. Otherwise, what type of adults will they become? Ones who are afraid of making decisions, and inexperienced at solving problems for themselves.</p>

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<p>Make a list. check the list for activities that can be cut back and do so. Both my kids worked their backsides off to get where they are. Getting somewhere requires some stress in one’s life, that what makes it special. </p>

<p>If he doesn’t want to quit anything, fine, let him figure it out. Suggest that he doesn’t add new activities to the mix until he can get a grip on the current situation.</p>

<p>One thing, I really bet swimming is not the culprit to his grades going down. I’d venture to guess it’s the driver’s license and gf, two distractions that are always much more fun than homework. Yours would not be the first kid to settle for less in the classroom because of other influences. Does he have his own car? if yes, bad move mom.</p>

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<p>Give your guy room to make his own decisions based on what he deems he can manage - to make his own choices. The parent needs to be there to be supportive of the decision that he makes - either way - it is not quiting something when it is not high on the priority list of life - it is more like closing a door because it will open others - resetting priorities for oneself. There is no shame in making a decision for oneself that is not going to make or break ones life - or to change the direction one is going. But let him think thru this to come to his own level of comfort.</p>

<p>If his friends/g/f are involved in swimming - I would not be surprised to see your son continue to have them as friends/g/f - the friendships should not change - but the opportunities for him might :slight_smile: When one’s heart is no longer in it - it is time to move on - make a change - it is alot more productive that way.</p>

<p>Kids do have to learn to make these types of decisions/choices - that is what happens in the real adult world. This will not be the last time he is faced with a decision like this - so let him know it is ok - he is ok - mom and dad are ok - and move on… supportively</p>

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<p>OpiefromMayberry,
He has looked at his activities, The major problem is that swimming cuts into his time producing the Drama Club play. He is also co-producing the Shakespeare Club’s play. They practice 5 days a week for this. I think if he weren’t producing it, he could manage swimming too. He really hasn’t added any more activities to his list, but with getting older there is more leadership position he has stepped into. He has had gf’s in the past . He ending the relationships or they ended mutually because he felt the girl was to needy. He just didn’t have time from that. His new friends doesn’t seem to be as demanding up to this point. He doesn’t have time to call her daily and she is OK with that. As far as driving ,yes, I did get him a car. We live 40 mins from school and 20 mins to the closest supermarket. A car is a must in our lives. He’s been seeing her for a couple months now and still hasn’t picked her up once. He is only able to take one person other then a family member in the car until he’s 18. State law. They seem to hang out in groups still ,so he picks up his best friend and they all meet up.Movie ,mall, over someone house. Let me tell you they don’t have tons of time for that either. He usually has some type of commitment 7 days a week. He referees soccer, and volunteers at the YMCA. I don’t really think of two A-'s as slipping. He was the one not happy. I still think an A- in AP Physics and AP Calc BC is nothing to be ashamed of. He’s only a Junior. Stress is OK. Stressed out isn’t. He’s finding his way. Thanks for you input.</p>

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<p>Srinaldi, my heart goes out to your son. Swimming is such a major time commitment. My son swam year-round for 6 years while competing in at least one other sport each season, finally he too came to the realization that for him the time involved in swimming just didn’t give him the satisfaction that justified all of the hours. It was a difficult decision as he was a very competitive swimmer. After analyzing all of his activities he realized that he truly enjoyed the greater team aspect of his other sports as opposed to the more individual achievements involved in swimming. This made his decision easier and lifted a great weight off his shoulders. I’m sure your son will have the good judgement to make the right decision for himself if he just really listens to his heart. Good luck!</p>

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<p>So the play’s are seasonal, no? So this could be temporary? When they are done will he regain some free time? Reffing is a great way to make money as a young person, mine did it for years as did I. While the money is nice, he should be able to control his time there pretty easy, he just needs to say “no” once in a while. Maybe cut back to one day a weekend for games and stop after 3 games. </p>

<p>We used to use the one hand theory of activities. Most people can handle 5 different activities without getting too thin. When you go beyond 5 activities in a given period of time, the quality of what you are doing wears thin. Are there things he could table temporarily till he gets his list whittled down? Does he have to volunteer this minute in time at the Y? </p>

<p>It is a good time to talk to him about next year anyway. Next year he will be filling out college appilcations and scholarship forms. They take alot of time as the colleges got together and conspired to make no two essays alike. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>As far as the car goes school and work fine. Trouble ensues when study time gets bumped for drive time. Are there places you could drive him and he could study in the car? My S played high level soccer in our state (reffed too) and his practice field was 45 miles from our house in Seattle. I would drive him to practice so he could study (45-60 minutes each way) and not worry about the drive. This worked pretty well for us as it was a way to find time in a current situation. It meant I had to give up some of my free time but when your around your kid is that such a bad thing?</p>

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<p>Yeah… I swam year round for 8 years. In HS I swam in the highest group on my team, and we had practice 21+ hrs a week, plus meets that would take up whole weekends sometimes thurs and friday too. </p>

<p>I also ran Varsity XC, did Varsity Swimming for my high school, and played Softball. I did that for 3 years, then at the end of my junior year I decided to quit swimming year round (still swimming for my HS). It just got to be wayy too much, and I wasn’t enjoying it at all. In addition to that I was getting sick, not eating enough, fainting while sitting in class, etc.</p>

<p>I’m now a senior and completely happy with my decision. Best of luck to your son, whatever he decides : )</p>

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<p>Heh, I dunno why I’m surfing the parents forum; I’m a high school senior. </p>

<p>I faced a similar problem at the beginning of this year–I am in love with painting and have enjoyed art classes since middle school. I had a lot of friends in my small painting class and loved my teacher. But my schedule this year was going to be more demanding than last year, and even junior year doing painting stressed me out because I was such a perfectionist and spent so long on every piece. (Due dates on art are pretty sucky…by the end of last year I was feeling that everything I turned in was half-assed and sloppy because I finished it in a mad rush over the previous few days-- even though I took on things that were MUCH more complex and time consuming than most of what my peers did.) </p>

<p>Anyway, even though I love to paint, the classes were getting to me and were also not my first priority. I plan to major in computer science and knew that my senior year was going to be pretty math/science oriented and I wouldn’t have extra time. I dropped art and replaced it with AP Chemistry. (lol, sounds harder, but believe me, I put WAY too much into those art classes.) I find that I’m so much less stressed this year, and I’m thrilled that I went through with quitting art because I love my chem class and my extra time after school NOT spent on painting homework!</p>

<p>My point: If he’s got other activities or classes that he loves, I’d encourage him to quit swimming. I’ve found that the amount of stress lifted from me this year is astonishing, and I’ve gotten past a lot of emotional issues I was going through last year (probably not SOLELY because of dropping the class, but it’s definitely a contributing factor.) </p>

<p>I agree with unwritten02 above me, (though my case seems ridiculously whiny compared to his sports overacheiving :smiley: ) when you do something (even if it’s something you love,) that takes up too much of your time and starts to stress you out and affect the rest of your life, it’s probably time to take a serious look at quitting or toning it down.</p>