<p>My over achiever S is feeling STRESSED!!!. Should he quit swimming? My 17 year old Junior is feeling stressed. He has always excelled in all he has put on his plate. He attends a small private school in NJ. His classes are all AP and Honors. They expect a lot from him as they do all the kids. He got a couple of A- his first semester, he wasnt happy with himself. He has never gotten a A- or lower. Hes EC are many. His last priority is swimming. He feels that there arent enough hours in the day to continue to fit swimming into his schedule. He has never quit anything to the contrary he usually is the captain, editor, organizer of everything he is involved in. We support what ever he decides ,no matter what and we have told him that. He just doesnt know what to do… When I told him that Im totally behind him quitting swimming, his 17 year old reaction was Mom please dont tell me that I wont want to quit. He has always been busy socially but now that he can drive and has a girlfriend , he wants it all. He has always been more mature then most of his peers. HE IS A TRUE LEADER. Im not just saying that because Im his mother. He feels like he is giving up on swimming ,FAILING. Something he has never done. He also knows he wont swim at college level. His best friend, girlfriend and many other close friends are also swimming, so I know this is really tearing him apart. Any words of advise for him or me???I wish I knew what to say to him.</p>
<p>“His last priority is swimming. He feels that there arent enough hours in the day to continue to fit swimming into his schedule.”</p>
<p>So he should quit.
He’s going to quit anyway, someday.
It isn’t like he is going to sit on a couch and eat potato chips if he quits swimming.</p>
<p>My advice for you. Let him work it out and decide for himself what to do. He’s growing up.</p>
<p>Everything is going to be fine.</p>
<p>Thanks, I know he will be fine. I just hate to see him like this. He is really torn up over this. Last year was his first year swimming competitively. He got an award for most improved and also Friends League honorable mention. This year they want him to be captain of the team. He wants to quit. Quit or Captain is how he sees it.</p>
<p>I know how you feel. :)</p>
<p>Thanks Again…</p>
<p>“He got a couple of A- his first semester, he wasnt happy with himself. He has never gotten a A- or lower.”</p>
<p>Maybe he needs to learn that it’s unrealistic to expect constant perfection of himself. Getting some A- grades really isn’t the end of the world.</p>
<p>That is something we have been telling him since he was 6. He has always excelled in all he does. He did have a reality check this past fall when he didn’t get the large part in Pippin he expected. It went to a senior. My whole family thought the same as myself. It was a lesson in life for him. You can’t always get what you want.</p>
<p>My son was Captain of his swim team without being a college quality athlete, and he was a leader in really only two other venues…not spectacular jobs but meaningful activities that were threaded into his essays and in his private study passions and he had great college outcomes due to the in depth views he had in only about two areas of life explored by ECs and academics. I suggest your son quit swimming and embrace that decision as “going with his gut” which is a newish young adult skill for kids who have jumped through every hoop thrown at them since childhood. Growing up is about getting more subtle distinctions in “knowing thyself” over time. I know just how he is telling you that he would be “letting down his friends” etc–my son also lived by this Boy Code self talk, but we were never the ones selling that ethos, and he sometimes went through with doing “too much” and sometimes he was relieved if we encouraged him to back off thus freeing him for more time to muse and think and be. Life is always about choices and experimenting with balance. The hours you S will recoup from swim practice will be hours that will enrich him in another way…just a little more down time, just a little more time to let homework sink in rather than be marched through, just a little more time socially or to do a better job in another club or group he likes more. He doesn’t really need tons of ECs for college…he needs to present as mentally positive and as a person who takes deep pleasure in a handful of focuses. good luck encouraging him to lighten up</p>
<p>Faline2. Very well said. I’ll try to pass a little of your wisdom on to him. Going with the gut. I think that is a great way to put it. Thanks</p>
<p>you are most welcome. Boys do feel lots of loyalty to the pack or team which is hard to relinquish but maybe your natural leader could also use a little more time to integrate and think.<br>
A lot of gifted people are also introverted and need time privately to regroup and refresh. In my S’s case, his essays had zero to do with swimming (it was clear he was only a leader in swimming in a non competitive league anyway) and his truest self thoughts were in a couple other activities and I have always believed his essays were the tipping points in his applications…they showed a lot of integrated thinking which is hard to come by if you are overscheduled.<br>
My son can be a little less upbeat with zip exercise though, so do encourage your S to work out some if swimming drops…I noticed my son was gloomier when inactive physically.</p>
<p>I am not a swimmer and I don’t like swimming. It is a huge time commitment, physically very difficult and boring as all heck swimming back and forth and back and forth. But if he did it successfully last year this will be his last chance to swim competitively and I thnk he should stick with it! Let him give up the gf instead! Or maybe lighten up a bit. If his gf and best friend are both swimming anyway he may feel out of it if he quits. Ultimately it should be his decision. I don’t like to see kids participate in sports that they don’t enjoy.</p>
<p>Maybe you should be assertive and tell him that he needs to reduce the stress in his life and he will have to drop something from his schedule. Period. It can be his choice — swimming or something else but it sounds to me like you are really worried about him and the pressure he puts on himself and just maybe, you should put your foot down and tell him that something has to give. Perhaps the fact that he feels torn up inside is the stress of having to make the decision and maybe he would really like to have his parents just tell him what to do.</p>
<p>Has he already started swimming for the season? (HS swim season seems to vary according to location - in this area competition has started and will be over late Feb). If he quits mid season he may regret it and feel he’s letting the team down - plus as another poster said feel a little out of it if his GF & best friend are swimming. Can he stick it out for this season then quit? We always had the policy with our kids of you’ve commited to this season of soccer/baseball whatever so you have to stick to the commitment but you never have to do it again if you don’t want to (well except when DD signed up for some little girl cheerleading thing years ago and loathed it so much i let her quit - not being much of a rah rah type myself - no offense intended to those that are). If he makes the decision to complete this season but not do it next season it might take some of the pressure off him and perhaps take that (self imposed) feeling of failing away.</p>
<p>Parents forum, you have a lot of interesting things to say over here, but posts like this make me vomit. Seriously, who are you to come here and gloat about your son’s pampered life and act as if a small issue is a crisis? </p>
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<p>Haha. Good for him!</p>
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<p>**He attends a small private school in NJ. **</p>
<p>Thats probably why. </p>
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<p>As are most kids on this site. </p>
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<p>Oh No! An A-!?!?! Time to readjust everything in life!</p>
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<p>Then quit, its not the end of the world. </p>
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<p>Do you want a cookie? Maybe its time for this kid to understand how to deal with failure…</p>
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<p>WOW! You admitted a fault!?!?</p>
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<p>Oh yeah, im sure he wants it all with his new girlfriend, mom. </p>
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<p>How many of his peers do you know? How often do you see your son outside of the house?</p>
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<p>The next Nelson Mandella… right. </p>
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<p>haha really?</p>
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<p>Are you sure? Well sometimes failure happens in life…</p>
<p>I think one really important growing-up stage is learning to make hard decisions for oneself. I think many of us who parent “successful” kids need to remember that. We are in the habit of having maybe a little too much “input” on some of this stuff.</p>
<p>And, when you really think about it, quiting a swim team really isn’t that big of a decision in the overall scheme of life - so it might be a good one to practice on.</p>
<p>Just my 2¢.</p>
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<p>PS - Hey, chill Ryan.</p>
<p>Weenie, I do agree with you but it is a big deal for HIM NOW. I’m hear to support him and that’s what I have been doing. When all is said and done it will be his mind that made the decision to stay or quit. Never having to quit something before he is trying to weigh things out. Thanks for your reply</p>
<p>Ryan, if you don’t like a particular thread, don’t read it and don’t post in it.</p>
<p>Simple, isn’t it?</p>
<p>Since your S is torn between staying and leaving, another option might be to continue swimming, but take some of the pressure off by not accepting the captaincy. Someone who is not even sure they want to continue in the sport should not be the captain of the team. </p>
<p>I would also tell your S that choosing not to continue is not quitting (unless the season already started), but more deciding where to focus his efforts. There is a limit to how much one person can take on and give their best. Good luck.</p>
<p>I have the same problem with my junior son who is in a similar situation though the sport is not swimming and he is not getting A’s. He is a triathlete at his small private school, though he is not at a level where he can compete at college in any of the sports. The only thing that make the sports any priority is that he enjoys them, they are his social life as well, and he thinks the exercise he gets is beneficial. It is true that regular exercise can make a big difference in both mental and physical well being, and it is extremely difficult to replace team practices with self exercise. I currently have one out of college who was a college athlete, and many of his mood disorders is blamed on the sudden drop in physical activity, but he does not have the discipline to work out on his own, and no motivation or momentum to join anything now that the ********* of his sport at schools is over. He tends to lie down doing nothing, gain weight and get depressed. And he has the similar temperment as the one who is a junior. We are seeing mental health specialists and they are unanimous about the role of physical exercise.</p>
<p>The other problem is when to insist when a kid should quit something when it is not clearly a hazard. The intervention can unfortunately have long lasting consequences, and I am currently paying for those with my older kids which is making me hesitate with some of these things with my junior. </p>
<p>I suggest a sit down with his advisor and the school psychologist to see what kind of breathing room he needs and where he can find more time. I did this with my son, and because he was adament about his sport, we had to schedule carefully, and he is meeting weekly with the school psychologist to keep tabs on where he is and what can be done better. His grades are not going to be where we want them to be, because he is not willing to cut out things that let him spend more time studying and doing practice problems.<br>
I agree that quitting the swim team looks like the quick and easy solution, but in those school environments, it can be a psychological loser for the kid. There is a not so subtle pressure about these things that those of us not there find it hard to understand. I am not happy with how things are balancing with our son, and the end result is probably not want I want it to be, but it could be worse, if my son’s desires and feelings are not taken first. You can give your opinion of what should go and be cut back, when you get the full story of his schedule, but forcing it down his throat is not a good idea, I don’t think. Good luck in working with this. Please let us know how it turns out. I am living this too, and our balance is not the way I want it to be, but hopefully is the best all around solution.</p>
<p>Ryan, many of us post here to get feedback, opinions and ideas. Many, many of these things are trivial in light of the many problems and issues in life, but there are other forums to address those things. I have found many ideas, outlooks, opinions that I would not have found on my own, reading about others and how they handle these things. Hopefully my experiences and opinions can help someone else.
It really does not matter that so many other people can handle a particular situation or a particular work load if you are not able to do so. You need some advice on how to do so, or how to lighten it. There are many who do more than I do, better than I do it. I would like to do a little better and am happy to look at the “how to’s” and pick out want I can incorporate in my life and suggest to my friends and family who may be struggling with an issue.</p>
<p>I belong to another board where the problems are life threatening, but I do not consider the subjects here trivial. They are just a whole different segement of life. Clearly one situation is more important in the scheme of things than the other, but finding some answers to alleviate stress in the much less important things in life, help a person to deal with the real problems a lot better.
I have seen other posters remind those who are on overload, that a lot of others carry the load. That is well and good, but the one who is struggling is the one who is not handling it well, and wants some advice on how to carry a load, and how to unload if necessary. We all have different limits and different ideas on what we want stressing us in life, and it is a wise person who seeks opinions other than his own in making some of this life decisions.</p>