My over-controlling mother is out of control

Parents Forum
201

<p>I’d just like to say that, those of you who think the earlier rules I listed aren’t “harsh” and are not all that “unreasonable”- I guess I only limited to posting those rules because I didn’t want to go into too much detail. My parents had many, many, many, I repeat MANY weird, unusual rules and “punishments” that I had to obey by. Maybe “no texting in class” wasn’t a good example, or my bedtime (which was at 8:00). Sure, they may seem reasonable, but keep in mind, I had other friends who were texting in class, choosing their own time when they slept, and they seemed perfectly okay to me. Once again, I could tell you lots of stories about my childhood. If you’re interested in hearing more of those stories (in order to draw a better conclusion), feel free to PM me. I would be more than happy to share.
I understand completely about the “one-sided” part of my story. Trust me, I can. A little all too well. I had someone’s mother confront my mother about her behavior, because my friend thought it was so bizarre. That mother sat me down beforehand, and asked for my side of the story first. I told her the whole truth, but defended my mother. A few days later, this woman approached my mother about it over a telephone call. My mom didn’t go crazy, but she was on the phone with the woman for over an hour, and basically in nice terms told her that “she was a good mother” and that “I over exaggerate” because I’m not happy with the rules.". Since I was sixteen at the time, I lost my credibility. So yes, I see what you’re saying.
All of you have given great advice, some of which, I intend to follow. The bank account idea, I’m going to write a letter to my mom and present it over Thanksgiving break, and try to have a talk with both of them present. The counseling is a good idea, and I think it’s going to help me keep sane, lol. So far, I’m doing really well in school. I have nothing to run from in that regard. I’m just sick of being in a controlling relationship. That’s all.
I’d also like to say that, in my defense, I’m telling the truth, but just from my perspective. When I have a problem, I try very hard not to…I guess, make it seem like I’M not the problem, and try to make the other person look like a bad guy. Perhaps my mother would have a different story to tell. I honestly don’t know. But I always suspected, from an early age, that there was something weird about are rules. They werent abusive, just…out of the ordinary.
1.) If you have to cry, cry in the shower
2.) No friends of the opposite sex
3.)No talking/asking/ joking about sex/anything related
4.) No jewelry/earrings
5.) If you have a job, you cannot keep the money. It is put away and we will distribute it to you later. No, it doesn’t matter how old you are when we do this
6.) No dance functions. (I didn’t even go to prom)</p>

<p>Honestly, I want to wear jewelry/earrings. I want to be able to have a job and keep the money, and cry in front of people if I can’t take it anymore. I WANT male friends. And I don’t care if its “wrong” by her standards, because that’s what I want. And by reading all of your posts, you’ve helped me realized that some of her behavior is unreasonable, and that, I’m not wrong in wanting the things I want and wanting my freedom. And thank you to both ParentOfIvyHope & a few others who helped me see that not all of her points were unreasonable. I really appreciate that, since I came here wanting opinions & honesty.
Overall, I just hope that everything gets resolved. I just want to have fun (not crazy fun, lol) and do things without her trying to get into my life and running it from one state over.
Once again, thank you all SO much for your replies & stories. Some of you shared some really private things, and I’m sorry, that with some of you, things with your mothers will never get resolved. But with some of your advice, I hope you get the chance to live through me (in a positive way) and that I mend my relationship with my mom. I’ll still continue to read the posts.</p>

202

<p>We were a bit cross with my son when we couldn’t get a hold of him for a couple of days. He’d turned off his phone on a plane flight and hadn’t turned it back on. It was news to us that he’d been in Santa Barbara for three days for an interview!</p>

<p>I’ve never had to deal with toxic parents, but I think I’m with the majority on this thread. Try to appease the Mom for now, figure out a way that a daily check-in could be less instrusive, get your roommates to unfriend her. I too, was struck that some of the high school rules seemed perfectly reasonable. No texting in class would be one of my rules too, if my kids had any interest in texting. I only talk to my son once a week, but we do look at his phone records as they are part of our family plan. My kids don’t have locks on their doors.</p>

<p>Cross posted with you - you sound like a great kid. I think you’ll figure this out.</p>

203

<p>I wish you the best of luck, miloukate. And please don’t let your family situation taint what is supposed to be a positive and memorable experience for you.</p>

204

<p>miloukate, I just want to clarify that when I talked about credibility issues I wasn’t saying you were lying, just that some of the things you listed as so oppressive aren’t that oppressive, IMO, and so it made it wonder whether the unstated oppressive things were really that bad. But it really does sound like your mom is some piece of work!</p>

<p>I really think therapy will help guide your future steps. I don’t know what those steps are. Dh moved out of his parents’ home ASAP, paid for his own college and apartment and got therapy from a college counselor. He tried to keep his dad in his life and was off-and-on successful depending on what dh did that displeased his dad (dating me was a deal-breaker that caused dh to be disowned for several months). But dh learned he had to establish his own boundaries. </p>

<p>I would make sure your friends unfriend your mom on FB (why did they ever friend her in the first place???) and I would hope they tell her why if she tries to contact them. That’s one no-brainer step. But the most important thing is to get long-term help in dealing with the family dynamic. (((HUGS))) to you.</p>

205

<p>miloukate, your instincts were right, those aren’t healthy rules. Not being allowed to cry in front of people . . . to me, that is borderline abusive. It’s denigrating your right to have/express feelings that are basic to all human beings. I hope your Thanksgiving meeting goes well and your mother sees that her expectations are unreasonable. Whether she does or not, I hope you continue to stretch your wings. You can do it! Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.</p>

206

<p>OP I am very glad to hear that you have such a positive attitude and possess the conviction to try to make things better. You should be very proud of yourself. I truly hope that things go well for you over Thanksgiving. Please know that you have many parents here pulling for you.</p>

<p>After reading the additional details you provided, it is fairly evident that your mom had a pretty repressed upbringing and that has greatly influenced her. Unfortunately, many people think that trying to eliminate all these things from their kids lives like jewelry and makeup and dances and friends of the opposite sex will somehow protect their kids’ virtues. It’s a common but ignorant mistake. Denial solves nothing and protects no one. I believe that a warm, loving, trusting, open relationship does a lot more for a kids self-esteem and empowers them to make better decisions.</p>

<p>Good luck to you. Stay strong. And do give us an update.</p>

207

<p>I don’t think we have to hear “the other side of the story.” </p>

<p>Would we tell that to another adult who told a similar tale about a controlling boyfriend or spouse? Would we say, “Well, I need to hear his side before I can have an opinion.” NO. Once we heard about the checking with friends, RAs, wanting to contact profs, setting ridiculous limits, checking text messaging and such, we would be saying, “run for the hills.”</p>

208

<p>

</p>

<p>There you go… a mom who is **anxious and has determined that her need **to have her anxiety reduced must take priority over everything - including her adult daughter’s rights. She’s convinced others (mostly husband) that her need to reduce her anxiety is so great, that it is disrespectful for the D not to assist/cooperate with this reduction.</p>

209

<p>

</p>

<p>What is stopping you now from wearing earrings or jewelry? Now that you live OOS, can’t you get a job and deposit your paycheck in a new account? How would your mom know NOW if you have male friends. BTW…does she forbid you from having a boyfriend? IF not, then why the restriction on male friends?</p>

<p>I think that you’ve become almost frozen to the point that you haven’t thought of ways that you can “get around” some of this nonsense. Many here can come up with safe ways to deal with some of this.</p>

210

<p>I don’t think that “running for the hills” is a good option for the OP right now that would serve her long term goals.
Yes, the mom does sound oppressive. There are many families with these type of rules however, so I am not sure that telling the mom that she is “out of line” will help, especially if a dependent child is the one telling her this. I bet the mom was raised this way, and feels that she “turned out just fine”…</p>

<p>I think that the main goal for the OP right now should be to regain control of her life, not to change her mother. Since the OP is away from home, the mother has very limited ability to actually have any control over her D’s life. She can have some illusion of control through daily contact. But it is up to the OP to decide which information to share.</p>

<p>Yes, the friends should unfriend her on FB, and the RA should be aware that a call from mom does not mean family emergency. But if the OP can keep everyone happy by contacting the mother daily, it might be the easy solution. Just don’t get worked up about it. Treat it as a business call.</p>

211

<p>

</p>

<p>I still don’t understand what kind of “backup” you are providing, if you know that your daughter who is 3,000 miles away is going to the Sigma Chi party on Saturday night. Backup to what? What other moves is she expected to tell you about before they occur? If she decides to go to a movie with a girlfriend? If she decides to go to downtown Boston? If she’s going to study in the library tonight instead of the dorm room?</p>

212

<p>

</p>

<p>If OP can pull it off, this is the best thing to do. However, I suspect emotionally this is very difficult for OP to do right now: she is too enmeshed emotionally with load of baggages that have accumulated for years by now. In order to treat this as a “business call”, she needs to feel confident and in control, not a victim of tyranny, which is where she is not right now. Do we say to the victim of violent crime to toughen up and get moving and treat the whole thing with a clinical detachment? I know this is a bit of exaggeration, but the core is not that different. </p>

<p>OP has had her sense of independence, dignity, and privacy as an entity separate from her mother violated all her life. I believe even children deserve to feel that their privacy is respected to a degree appropriate for the stage they are at developmentally. I don’t care how old the child is and how “wise” the parent is: this sens of some inviolate core of self is the foundation of healthy self respect and basic dignity. </p>

<p>This is why I believe that regardless of the short term tactics, the OP needs good therapy and counseling so that she can gain her sense of self as an independent and competent adult. Most kids growing up in a healthy environment are helped by their parents who provide an opportunity for them to mature into adulthood by gradually loosening their control over the children and allowing them to make choices, and yes, mistakes. OP never had that chance with this mother who has an overwhelming need to control those close to her. She needs to undo a lot things that were done to her, and I believe she will need competent, professional help guiding her. </p>

<p>I have seen way too many cases of parents who hide under the “I am doing this really for my child’s sake. My only wish is to make sure she is secure and safe” mantra to avoid the need to admit to themselves that what is really driving them is their own pathology, not the love for and devotion to their children, much as they may protest otherwise. For those who have, for whatever pathological reason, the overwhelming need to assert complete control over their environment, children are the most easily available targets to vent, and provide the best cover too: I am just doing this for the children for I love them dearly. </p>

<p>Majority of parents are indeed well meaning - both consciously and subconsciously, but there is a minority of parents who fall into this category. We shouldn’t excuse parents simply because they may try to rationalize their behavior as that of parental devotion.</p>

<p>BTW: As a parent of two teenagers, I have NEVER looked through their diaries, computer accounts, email, etc. I believe this is a fundamental breach of trust and confidence between me and my kids. I know there are parents who believe that it is necessary sometimes: perhaps in some cases it is justified. I respect judgment of individual parents provided it’s within the normal range of healthy supervision on the part of parents, NOT like OP’s mother. In my case, luckily, we never had a reason to even consider this as a necessity. Knock on woods. So far, the kids are turning out very well.</p>

213

<p>

You can do all these things right now! There is no need to tell your mother about anything you do that she wouldn’t like. Just keep the details of your life to yourself and only share the non-controversial things.</p>

214

<p>

POIH:
So if posters don’t happen to agree with your perspective on this topic, which is virtually every poster here, there’s an issue with ‘their’ intelligence?</p>

215

<p>People that have that controlling behavior often believe that they are correct and everyone else is wrong. Those controlling people can see that others do not do things as they do and I believe that the only way they can legitimize their behaviors internally is by assuming the position that they are correct and everyone else is incorrect. That’s what we witnessed with our friend who drove her family away with her behavior. She was in counseling (with her husband and kids at her husband’s insistance) and ultimately “dismissed” the counselor and quit going to the sessions because the counselor “was wrong” and “didn’t appreciate her values and beliefs”. You can talk yourself blue in the face but generally these types of peoplr aren’t listening won’t listen and have no desire to change their behaviors.</p>

216

<p>

</p>

<p>The point is not about agreement but logic. If you can’t process logic then there is an issue with the intelligence.</p>

<p>The logic was, people are ready to have stranger following them on ‘Twitter’ ,the concept of which is to follow your where about, but balk at the talk of letting parent know about it.</p>

217

<p>

</p>

<p>The point is why something like this is wrong if done volunterialy. It is like the US govt. travel site, if you want to avail the facilities you let govt. know about your travel otherwise forget it.</p>

<p>[Solo</a> Safety When Walking Alone](<a href=“http://walking.about.com/cs/beginners/a/walkalone_3.htm]Solo”>173 Songs About Walking Playlist)</p>

<p>The first rule of solo safety is to “Let Others Know”.</p>

<p>I think droping a text to the extent. ‘I’m off to movies’, ‘Brunch at Stephanie’, ‘Dinner at Harvard’ etc. are good enough.
It is equivallent to “Twitter” status message. If you are text savy then you can send the same text to multiple places in one shot.</p>

218

<p>I think there are too many people telling this young lady a serious message —It is not wise to tell a young freshman in college to get out from the relationship she has with her mom when you do not know the situation. As I said very early on there are words in the OPs original post that do not sound unreasonable. Go back and read it.</p>

<p>I also find it interesting that on a board like college confidential where parents are so involved in their childs education that no one has put together that there is a reason so many here find this behavior weird. I think there are many here that unfortunately had dysfunctional relationships with their families and as a result see this situation and jump right to the conclusion that it is crazy. I have never in my entire life come across this many people that had a bad relationship with their parents. Is it possible that some of the controlling issues of childhood have found so many people searching through a college site "to be very much in the know of their kids pre college decisions. Of course I will probably hear about this comment, but I honestly am shocked to hear how many people hear were not happy in their childhood. I had a great childhood and even though I had strict parents they were very loving. I could look back now and realize that at the time I remember telling my friends that I hated my parents for this reason or that, even at the age of 18 or 19. Go gentle on judging this girls mom folks, there is more to this story and you have not read between the lines on her original posts. I am not saying that the mom is exhibiting normal behavior in regard to wanting to call professors , but dont get ready to comit the woman just yet. There are issues with this young lady that she is not divulging.</p>

219

<p>I want to know…when does this end?</p>

<p>Will it end when she has a steady boyfriend?
Or will she have to call mommy after every date and promise that “nothing happened.”</p>

<p>Will it end once this young lady is engaged?
Or will mommy demand to have “her say” about every aspect of the wedding “otherwise I’m not paying!”</p>

<p>will is end when this young lady gets married? Or will she have to text mommy when she wakes up and goes to bed because mommy is anxious about how married life is going and begin questioning the new husband?</p>

<p>will it end after during her pregnancy? Or will mommy worry anxiously throughout the pregnancy and be constantly calling the OB/GYN?</p>

<p>Will it end after she raising her kids? Or will mommy demand input on child-rearing?</p>

<p>I don’t see how and when this will end on its own.</p>

220

<p>

</p>

<p>POIH: if you truly do not understand why it is different to have twitter followers and a parent who MUST know where the kid is always, you really don’t understand basic psychology and especially adolescent/young adult psychology.</p>

<p>Important part of growing into a mature, independent, competent adult is to have an identity that is different from that of being a total dependent of somebody else: usually parents. There is a need to define separateness as an independent entity against the original foundation of dependence - parents and their power over the kids. That’s why so many kids want to go away to college. They need this “distance” to carve out their own identify as an independent entity. It does not mean that they don’t love us parents. They love us but also need to put some distance from us to establish themselves as adults. When they are secure and confident as an adult, they will come back confidently and competently to a healthy relationship with the parents as adults to adults.</p>

<p>Twitter followers have no power over the kids, they are neutral, almost anonymous. It does not threaten their budding sense as an independent adult. Having to “report” to parents on every move is a completely different issue: it’s not logical but it carries a whole lot of emotional baggage. </p>

<p>As parents, do we wish that they wouldn’t be so “sensitive”??? Yes, yes, and yes. However, should we “lecture” to them that they are illogical and silly, and if they are letting people follow them via twitter, they should have no problem having us follow them all over? NO. The wise thing for us to do as parents is to let them get over this phase as quickly as possible by establishing a secure adult identity with minimum interference on our part so that they will come looking for our company enthusiastically as adults.</p>

<p>Parents who are prolonging the transition period by insisting that the kids stay within the previous boundary is just delaying the time frame, and in effect are working against their own interest.</p>

<p>BTW: you claim loudly how, as a liberal, you accommodate everybody’s view point and are not judgmental. However, posts I have seen by you on this forum indicate anything but. You have no desire to listen to anybody. You seem completely set in your own opinion and impervious to any outside influence and dismissive of others when the overwhelming majority of people who are seemingly otherwise intelligent and well informed have a different perspective. As a committed liberal myself, I wish people won’t go around pronouncing to the whole world about their open minded liberal point of view when their action is completely opposite. It’s just like a family value conservatives getting caught in a seedy affair.</p>