<p>My childhood was fine but ‘from the OP’s description of her mother’s behavior’ the mother is over-controlling. I think most of the posters don’t recommend that the OP cut her relationship with her mother but actually the opposite - that she try to do what she can to fix some of these control issues in order to make sure the relationship doesn’t become permanently damaged. The opinions are obviously based only on the information provided by the OP which is of course one-sided and the nature of any of these threads but some of the facts stated by the OP, if true, are clearly considered over-controlling by most of us. Take a look at the facts (as stated by her) the OP posted and determine whether you’d consider them as crossing the line or not.</p>
<p>
Your logic is flawed because you’re discussing apples and oranges. You’re the only one here who mentioned Twitter. The OP didn’t say she was using Twitter. I doubt that there’s a majority of students posting their constant whereabouts on Twitter for strangers to see and potentially stalk them. We may agree on one point though - that people should be very careful about what they post on social networking sites that are open to strangers.</p>
<p>I know she said that she wasn’t allowed to date in high school, but since her campus is OOS, how can her mom prevent her from dating while at school?</p>
<p>It’s one thing for a college kid to tell his roomies or friends what he’s doing or where he’s going, but sometimes kids don’t want to tell parents because of the “judgment” that might go along with that. </p>
<p>i.e…
what? you’re going to a party on a school night?
what? you won’t be home until 2 am?
what? you’re going out again? That’s the 3rd night this week!</p>
<p>Did the OP ever say if her parents were foreign? What about grandparents? All I remember seeing is that the mother was raised strictly herself as a child.</p>
<p>Reading about everyone’s tech savvy elder relatives made me chuckle! I’m one of those more tech challenged kind of parents. DD taught me how to text because it’s easier for us to communicate that way. I don’t have to worry about her being in class or a meeting or work or interrupting anything, I can text her and she can read it whenever. I don’t call her at all and she respectfully calls regularly. Last time she was home she laughed at me as I sent a text to DH, “Is that how long it takes you to type everytime you text me?”. She found it quite funny but I’m proud of my mad texting skills… still haven’t figured out the dvd player though.</p>
<p>I’m glad that the OP is going to try to mend things with her mother. No parent is perfect; I know I’m not. Parents, think about your relationship with your kids and some of the things you’ve done or said over the years out of worry because you love and want to protect your child. How crazy would some of those actions seem taken out of context and viewed from a different perspective from afar? Don’t be so quick to condemn the mother; some of the comments or assumptions about the mother and her mental status have been somewhat harsh and inappropriate, imho, when you’re addressing the lady’s daughter. The OP can only fully control her own actions and her own responses. With time, counseling, and compromise, in the spirit of love and respect for her mother, hopefully better days will come eventually for this family.</p>
<p>I think she said somewhere her mother’s attitude wasn’t cultural. Somewhere in the first five or six pages, I think? I know that doesn’t narrow it down much, LOL.</p>
<p>I’m in the minority that I don’t think that the mom is dangerously horrible. Maybe it’s because I’ve dealt with people my whole career who want to micro-manage things that shouldn’t be their business, but this is just something where you choose your battles and move on from the irritation by either accepting the behavior or getting yourself out of the situation. It’s just life and everyone needs to deal with it.</p>
<p>I do understand, though, that OP is an 18-year-old who has decided that she cannot accept the behavior and make the best of it. Our opinions on her mother’s behavior will not change this.</p>
<p>MomOf2CollegeKid’s post at #219 actually made me decide that the mom isn’t that unusual. There are many mothers who do exactly what she is describing in wedding planning and child rearing :-)</p>
<p>mom2collegekids—exactly, there comes a point that a young lady of 18 or 19 should have the ability to see that she has control of her life while she is away at college. I think this is a case of a young kid that is dreading going back home for Thanksgiving and the Christmas break because she will need to follow her mothers “unreasonable” rules. </p>
<p>I would bet that there is not one parent on this site that does not have rules. I have rules in my home because if I didnt than I would want to move out when the kids came home. Think about what this young lady saw as unreasonable…not being able to text during class…having a bedtime when she was in highschool…She lost me there because although the mother may be wrong about the contact with professors and her friends, I think there is a case of I want what I want and if I don’t get it then I hate you and I will trash you. I think the mom would have a completely different story if we were to hear from her.</p>
<p>I still think the OP needs to talk to someone but not for the reasons that everyone else does. I think she is out on her own for the first time and she does not know how to deal with her new found freedom. That is what she needs to talk about…address the issues like why she is so angry and frustrated. Is she struggling in her coursework or socially? There is more to this.</p>
<p>whichever way I look at it, OP’s mother has an obsessive need to control her children, and there is no way to explain it away or excuse it as parental love, discipline and devotion. Bed time for teenagers at 8 PM? No jewelry or earrings? No makeup? No respect for privacy to keep her own thoughts on a piece of paper knowing that will remain private? No friendship and interaction with opposite sex? Cyber stalking roomies? Constant harassment of the dorm personnel? Insistence on a direct contact with the professors? Compulsory calls twice a day? Poring over the details of all cell phone usage?</p>
<p>We are not talking about a mother who is concerned about substance abuse, unhealthy life style and relationship with dangerous characters which are all within a normal range of parental involvement. We are talking about a mother whose behavior is driven by pathological need for control and who is using her status as a parent to rationalize and justify her own pathology. </p>
<p>I am a parent of two teenagers myself. If I see my own siblings behaving this way, I would strongly recommend a therapy to work this issue. This is not normal, not healthy, and doing serious long term damage to the daughter and the relationship between the daughter and the mother. </p>
<p>Some posters earlier pointed out that if a boyfriend or a husband is doing this, we will all be advising OP to file for a restraining order. Why are we giving a free pass because OP’s stalker happens to be her mother? I have seen enough cases where parents with deep pathologies are excused of all sorts of things because they are parents. Some of us are twisted. Some of us are parents. Some parents are twisted. Not all parents act in the best interest of the children. If that were the case, we would have no need for family therapists.</p>
<p>BTW: I think OP is a remarkably composed and polite. I have seen her thanking posters on this thread who hold an opposite point of view from the majority here, siding with her mother and even chiding OP. When her credibility was challenged, she refrained from publicly posting a long laundry list of all the strange things that have been happening. Rather, she said, “if you really need, I will PM the details”. In fact, she has been behaving more mature than some of us. This is such a contrast to behavior of some young adults and kids who post here to solicit adult input, and behaved VERY badly when the advice is something that they would rather not hear. Based on what I saw, I have to assume that she is not a primary source of problem in this unhealthy relationship between the mother and the daughter. Of course, I can only opine based on what is posted here. If what OP provided significantly deviated from truth, all bets are off, but I doubt that’s what OP has been doing.</p>
<p>“We are not talking about a mother who is concerned about substance abuse, unhealthy life style and relationship with dangerous characters which are all within a normal range of parental involvement.”
^^
Wow. Don’t know how you can draw this conclusion from the information given. We don’t know what any of the concerns of the mother might be.</p>
<p>“We are talking about a mother whose behavior is driven by pathological need for control and who is using her status as a parent to rationalize and justify her own pathology.”
^^
Just curious if you know the lady or are a therapist since you’ve diagnosed her already? Heck, the restrictions placed by this mother seem to me not much different from what I see on the show “18 and counting” but I don’t see anyone here calling that mom pathological. Those girls aren’t allowed to wear makeup or date and certainly aren’t in college a state over from home…</p>
<p>POIH, if D says she’s going out to a movie or out with friends or to a party, how much time do you allow before you start worrying that she’s in some kind of danger and need to activate your “backup plan”? Does she need to tell you when she changes location or when she gets home? Are we talking about “Hey, I’m going to the movies” as part of a casual “this is what’s new with me” or are we talking about “I’m going to the 7 pm showing at XYZ Movie Theater, it gets out at 9:30” so if you haven’t heard from her by 9:45, you pull the panic button?</p>
<p>You can’t do that with a college student. You have to trust that she is able to get safely from dorm to classes to activities to social events and back. You have an incredibly accomplished daughter. Leave her alone and let her grow up.</p>
<p>bluealien— 18 and counting is a show on t.v about a Christian family with 18 children. They have very strict rules regarding dating, makeup, and just about everything. It is an interesting show to watch at least once or twice.</p>
<p>DD generally text ‘to movies with friends, back by 1 A.M., ily’. If she is not back by 1 A.M. or doesn’t text before that then we will text her. Generally if she is running late, she text ‘still up, ily’ and that is all. Once back on campus but still not in room, she text ‘back on campus’ in that case we won’t text even if she doesn’t text after that.</p>
<p>Point is technology has provided us means to be more safe, more close to our relations. It is easy and non intrusive then why not. It is keeping DW happy, DD happy and I’m happy. DD only have to text ‘going shopping with friends’ and then ‘spent $400, show the stuff later’ or ‘going for brunch’ and spend $40 every weekend without any questions asked. So it is not intrusive to her privacy or her ability to do things she like or enjoy.</p>
<p>How is this different from sitting on the dinning table and letting everyone know how did the day go? Now it is easy to make loved one aware how the day is going while it is progrssing. I text her on weekend letting her know we are at theater watching ‘seious man’ or having dinner at ‘Lugi’ or she asked today ‘how’s the weather in CA, it is very nice here’. </p>
<p>I think you will enjoy these small tit/bits and that is what the life is about, enjoying small happiness. DD is not obligated to do all this but choose to do this. She is only expected to text twice because of her mom anxiety. But if 2 texts a day can keep her mom healthy and she refuse to do so then there is a problem.</p>
<p>I think those who didn’t read past the rules she had in high school were missing the post where she elaborated further on her mom’s rules. </p>
<p>One them included “if you’re going to cry, cry in the shower.” and having no friends at all of the opposite sex. I’m sorry but to tell your child that they can’t cry in front of you or anyone else, is just plain wrong. To forbid them to have friends who are male, forget dating or whatever but just to have friends of the opposite sex, is overly controlling. To take their money that they earn at their own job and say that the parent will disburse the money too them and the child may not keep it, is also way over the line from a parent who has “rules” to a parent who’s trying to rule this girl’s life. </p>
<p>It’s reasonable for a parent to say, you need to be saving x amount of your income. Or even to say, I want/need you to contribute x amount of your own earnings to your education. But to force the girl to hand over her own wages and not allow her to have any control of her own spending is bizarre, mean, and frankly, irresponsible. How is she going to function as an adult ever if she’s never had to manage a bank account or budget her earnings herself? </p>
<p>It’s a rule to say, you have to be home by 11 PM and you have to tell me where you’re going (when you’re home for vacations). It’s a rule to say you can’t exceed the allotted minutes in your cell phone plan, or it’s a rule to say, please give me your roommates’ phone numbers in case of emergency. It is control to do what this woman is doing (teenager in bed by 8 PM, no going anywhere with friends during the day except on Saturdays, monitoring whom you call and whom you text, facebook messaging and callign your rooomates constantly). I’m sorry, it’s just weird. This mom needs help.</p>
<p>That’s why in my earlier post, I ask…when will it end? At what age? At what stage in this girl’s life? Her mom can always claim that she’s anxious and needs these ties to be able to cope, but it’s enabling the situation.</p>
<p>but…I’m also still wondering how her mom is still preventing her from wearing earrings or dating in college when she’s now in another state?</p>
We are all seeing this situation through the lens of our own cultural bias. While I agree that this mom sounds over-the-top, I want to point out that the idea of needing to go away to college to gain independence and adulthood is a distinctly American one, unique to our country. Millions of young adults all over the world are living with their parents and/or extended families well past the teen years and during college, yet they manage to become educated, independent adults with separate identities. I would argue that leaving home to achieve independence is not really normal or necessary – it just happens to be the custom in contemporary America. It is a luxury and not at all a universal experience.</p>