<p>duplicate; problems posting</p>
<p>milou,</p>
<p>Do you have any family members outside the household (you mentioned getting someone to cosign a loan for you) who can talk to your mom for you about this problem?</p>
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<p>That is what the original point of my posting was to provide the OP an example of how to deal with anxious mom’s. It just need some organization on part of OP, some patience to understand mom’s insecurity and to find ways to curb these insecurities without hampering her own life.</p>
<p>But most people on the thread is bent upon telling OP to break away damaging OPs life for ever. With a little bit organization and planning OP can achieve her goal of getting education at her first choice college and then become financial independent and will be in more and more commanding position to deal with mom anxiety. I’m sure by the time OP is a Junior mom anxiety will be more than over.</p>
<p>I’ve read all the posts on this thread but I’m struggling to see how bashing the OP’s mother in such a strong manner is helping the OP?</p>
<p>Are her rules more extreme than most typical high school/ college experiences? Absolutely. Should therapy be suggested? Defintely. Is the mom-bashing constructive or does it help the OP solve any of her issues? Fail to see that one.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s just me, but if one of DD’s college friends came to me with the same exact details and asked for guidance, the last thing I would do would be to openly bash the girl’s mother. That’s what you’re doing here.</p>
<p>The OP has already said that she intends to try to mend her relationship with her mother. How is all the fierce negativity directed toward this child’s mother encouraging her in any way? The argument could be made that your comments toward her mother are just as damaging as the actions of the mother you criticize. Just my take on it, fwiw.</p>
<p>^^^
Its not just you MagnoliaMom</p>
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<p>I’m seriously glad that the texts are not intrusive to your daughter’s ability to enjoy typical college experiences; by the same token, just because you have found a work-around that placates your wife and is acceptable to your daughter, doesn’t mean that the problem is “solved.” Doesn’t your daughter ever wonder why her friends don’t need to text their parents about every move they make? </p>
<p>When my kids first started driving, whenever they drove someplace independently, we wanted a text that they had gotten to their destination. Then, after a few weeks, we realized they were fine. It was time for us to cut the cord. I can understand a text if she goes someplace that’s out of the norm (you want to know if she goes to Vermont for the weekend with friends), but for her everyday activities on or around campus? That’s really too much.</p>
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Sorry, I can’t agree. As damaging as telling the student that, if she must cry, it has to be in the shower? There’s no way that anything a stranger can recommend on a discussion board that could possibly, possibly be as damaging as this one “rule.” As damaging as refusing the student the right to have friendships (not hookups, not relationships, but friendships) with members of the opposite sex? As damaging as a lifetime of such treatment? My heart breaks for this kid.</p>
<p>I agree, frazzled1. I think it’s helpful for the OP to know that she is, indeed, dealing with someone who isn’t rational. And that while it may be worth it to placate her mother to some extent, that doesn’t make the problem go away.</p>
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<p>She might wonder but she understands that her mom is different and so do everyone else mom. Accepting differences is what being liberal is all about. We are a salad bowl even if we belong to the same family. We understand each other differences and accept each other as it.
DD is expected to text twice only, every other text is her own wish. She doesn’t text where she go for lunch or dinner every day. She only texts when she is going to be out for a long time on weekend and she would prefer to not pickup phone during that time. She is intelligent and may be that is why she upfront text on the weekend so that she can enjoy without worrying about her mom anxiety.</p>
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<p>I still call home after reaching office even if it takes only 20/30 mins, while in 25 years of my driving I never have caused an accident. Is it too much? I don’t think so. DW text when ever she goes out and back too. This is just how we keep in touch and be aware of each other. DD is not doing anything that we have not been doing for the last 18 years of her life.</p>
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<p>Ah, memories. My 17 year old niece came to stay with us for one year. I told her if she wanted to go out in the evening, that this was not Paris, and she should take a cab. She wanted to save her money so insisted on walking home from a movie past midnight. This precipitated a long transatlantic conversation with my brother who took her side and told me that Americans coddle their children too much. My niece went back to Paris when her year was up and lived at home while attending university. 
She burned up the phone lines ($300 phone bill in one month!) but not to check in with her parents.</p>
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<p>No wonder you think what the mom does is quite ordinary!</p>
<p>OP:
At least, ask your mom to text instead of calling as it is less disruptive of whatever activity you may be involved in and you can respond to her when you are free. Remind her that besides classes you have homework, study groups, going to the library, etc… and cannot always be there when she calls. Do remind her that she needs to trust you to do the right thing, including making sure you are safe. After all, she has raised you! Tell her you love her, that you are looking forward to seeing her soon, but that you are also enjoying college and still need to settle in. You’ll have more to tell her when you see her.
When you do see her, gently ask her not to embarrass you by calling your friends and your RA if she does not manage to reach you right away. You may just be busy!</p>
<p>What did people ever do before text messaging? All of us parents on this board who are in our forties and fifties who went away to college grew up in an era when we likely just talked to our parents once a week (when the phone rates went down!).</p>
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They also had small thumbs, I bet.</p>
<p>I still have never sent a text, and never received one either. I have one contractor who occasionally texts me and I had to tell him to cut it out because I don’t hear them coming in and never think to look for them. My kids put their phones on vibrate or turn them off all together so I leave messages. I still only talk to older son once a week.</p>
<p>I can relate somewhat to the crying rule; I would guess that some parents just don’t know how to deal with their children’s emotional needs, so they stick a rule on the whole thing and avoid talking about it whenever they perceive their child to have an emotional problem.</p>
<p>As a student, what’s worked/will work for me for the “dreaded break” back to a controlling environment is finding jobs on campus or out-of-state so I could stay away from home, or even choosing to work a lot when I am back home, thereby avoiding seeing the parents as much and dealing with control issues/arguments. Another way you can maybe deal with the stress is simply to take your mother’s car out somewhere for a bit to cool off; my preference was always the local bookstore. I don’t think you need to necessarily cut off your mother, but you should try to get some space from her so you can relax and avoid more confrontation.</p>
<p>I guess I’m wondering if a daughter is away at college, if she doesn’t tell her mom that she’s going out to the movies, then why would an “anxious mom” be biting her nails at home waiting the “safe home” text?</p>
<p>And, how would any such parent “really know” that her daughter is telling the truth? She could be spending the night with her boyfriend, but texting, “mom, I’m home from the movies with Carol.” </p>
<p>We’d like to believe that our kids would tell us the truth, but sometimes when we demand such accountability, we actually end up encouraging lying.</p>
<p>That’s an excellent point, mom2collegekids.</p>
<p>I would check with your college counseling office for tips on this predicament. The schools have trouble with this issue also and you may be surprised how common it is. My husband’s Duke magazine had it on the cover a year ago. The title was “Dealing with helicopter parents” with a picture of parents in a helicopter hovering. Although the magazine was funny I understand that this is a very upsetting situation for you and one is which you are required to be more of “the parent”. I agree with the other parents that transferring may not solve the problem at all. Especially with current technology.</p>
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<p>Certainly a valid point and that is why you encourage taking ethics as a course to children at school. There is no accountability here. No one is monitoring DD. Also Why do you think if she text that she is spending a night with BF then it will be a problem. If she has a BF and would like to spend a night she will be able to do after texting too.</p>
<p>The cell phone plan we have allows monitoring of cell phone positions, so if we have to monitor each other we can switch that on. In turn we want to keep each other aware of our whereabouts because we care and trust each other.</p>
<p>It seems you have never taken an emergency preparedness class or an earthquake preparedness class. The first and foremost rule is to know the whereabouts of the loving one because in case of large earthquake in CA the cell phones, internet, land lines may not work. So by knowing the exact location of your love beings you will be in a best state to unite and help each other.</p>
<p>So, if the custom is to text at 9am and 9 pm, what happens if there is an emergency at 12? You’re in no better position to help than if your child texted only once a week.
A lot of children will text/email/call their parents very frequently; some will not. Gender has something to do with it. But demanding that one’s child texts every day, twice a day at least has little to do with trust and a lot more with mistrust and the desire to control.</p>