<p>Its’ not about love. It’s not about conservatism. It’s not about parenting. It’s about trust or mistrust like Marite points out. The OP’s mom doesn’t trust and that’s why she goes around and circumvents the D and the D knows that there is no trust. The mother may very well have issues that she should be dealing with in counseling, but in the absence of the mother getting a handle on her potential own issues in therapy, the fundamental problem is trust. Take the GPS function on cell phones, if it’s used to “keep track” of kids on a regular basis, there is a lack of trust. If it’s used in an emergency that is a love and parenting.</p>
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<p>Me neither. I’m glad there are at least two of us left on the planet. </p>
<p>I virtually never call my son at school. I did call once – to check in immediately after learning that a student had died on campus, possibly of alcohol poisoning. I prefer waiting till he has the time and inclination to call, which he does once or twice a week. Even then, he is a man of few words. Happy, but laconic. I finally asked him to think of one anecdote – something interesting to tell us about his week – before picking up the phone. That has enlivened our conversations some.</p>
<p>If I absolutely need to tell him something or ask a question, I e-mail with the header IMPORTANT. He responds.</p>
<p>Like the vast majority on this thread, I believe that constant contact is unnecessary and overly intrusive. Required multiple contacts in one day are beyond my understanding.</p>
<p>I don’t see it’s about love even with all those “ily” at the end of each text message. Does it have to be append at the end of each text message?</p>
<p>Well, some people are like that, though. I tend to sign emails and texts to certain family members with xoxo, because it’s just a thing we do. I don’t think that’s a real issue; that’s just personal style.</p>
<p>When I was growing up, my parents weren’t warm, fuzzy, huggy types. I knew that they loved me but I didn’t hear the words “I love you” often. DH is very much a big warm and fuzzy but he came from a large family of divorced parents - similar story in that he didn’t hear very often that his parents were proud of him or that they loved him. </p>
<p>When I was pregnant with DD, I vowed to myself that this child would know she was loved, through both actions and words. When she was in high school and would call to let me know if she was running late, even in front of her friends, she’d end the convo with ily. It wasn’t that I expected that of her but that’s the way I treated her from the time she was born so she was responding in the same way. She once told me that her friends thought that it was really cool that we always did that. To this day, when we talk on the phone, we do the same.</p>
<p>I think it’s partly family culture and expectations. I feel it’s just a reminder of respect and caring. I mean, I’m born and raised in the South, so I also appreciate “Yes Ma’am” and “No Ma’am” whereas I know DH’s family in the midwest finds it amusing. Different strokes for different folks.</p>
<p>I agree but not with every text message or am I just being a cynical?</p>
<p>Maybe POIH’s daughter senses that her mother finds it reassuring. If that’s the case and POIH’s daughter doesn’t mind it because she cares about her mother, then who are we to judge?</p>
<p>Both of my girls still end every phone call with us with “I love you.” They often do say it in front of their friends. Never asked, and never even thought much about it until I read it on this thread. </p>
<p>I think it’s great to be close to our kids and want to know our kid’s whereabouts out of love for them. But at some point that closeness and safety net should be transferred to themselves or to someone else (their significant other). It is part of growing up. I am guilty of being too protective of my girls, and I did get jealous when D1 started sharing more with her friends than with me. It’s a normal feeling on my part, but it is also normal for our kids to move on and start to have a life without us in it. When that happens is different for each kid and family, but that process needs to happen.</p>
<p>My daughter has a friend with a similar mother. I think this behavior stems from paranoia, possibly from her own teenage/early adulthood experiences. She is highly focused on her idea of her daughter’s success. </p>
<p>While this mother clearly wants what’s best for her daughter, she is actually driving her away and a few years from now, I wonder if they will have much contact. While it is tempting, it is not in the daughter’s best interest to sever the relationship. She needs her family and the best she can do is struggle through and manage the situation. I do think preemptive measures will work a bit - call her or text her first and then say, “I’ll be in a lab for the rest of the day” - always be too swamped with work to be available for another call. </p>
<p>I suggest lining up a summer job or internship on campus. This mother may be motivated by her daughter’s potential success in school and career - after all, she is living vicariously through the daughter. Why not be so targeted in school and then career, that she can slowly disengage? The mother won’t have much negative to say she thinks that her daughter is giving her all for success.</p>
<p>^^^Well said, oldfort.</p>
<p>oldfort, mine saying it often enough in phone conversation but not in every text. Maybe I have developped an insecurity complex by reading this thread. :D</p>
<p>Magnolia, agree, while we might not always agree with POIH it appears that his situation is not dysfunctional. The OP is struggling or would not have written what was written…that is the difference. Clearly POIH is entitled to “argue” his position and offer suggestions as we are all allowed to “argue” position and offer suggestions. There is no right or wrong style as long as it functions for that particular family unit.</p>
<p>OP need to pay attention to the following when considering advices from people on this board as well as her frineds:</p>
<ol>
<li>Number of families with own children in US are less than 40%.</li>
<li>Number of students at colleges with some type of loan exceed 90%.</li>
</ol>
<p>So if majority of OP’s friend don’t call home then she need to understand that they don’t have a home to call back. Majority of the children have step parent or broken families.</p>
<p>Another thing OP need to take into account the most of her friend might want her to take loan so that she won’t be ahead of them in the life. </p>
<p>Graduating from college without loans will be the best gift anyone could ever give them.</p>
<p>So listen to everyone but make up your own mind. Everyone situation is not same.</p>
<p>OP need to understand that even if her mom is sick (psychologically as pointed by many), she should try to take care of her.
What would all these people say if her mother was suffering from cancer and she had to call 10 times a day to find her well being and to go back every weekend to be with her.</p>
<p>If your mom is over anxious then find a way to curb the anxiety without hindering your college experience. But don’t make a joke of your relations, if you can’t keep this relation you will not be able to keep any relation.
Every relation need patience, committment and accomdation.</p>
<p>I wonder what the OP means when she referred to her mother as “mean.” I hope that someday the OP will give us an update on how things are going and if people at her college were able to help her out with this issue.</p>
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<p>I’m baffled. Just baffled.</p>
<p>POIH - I don’t think it matters AT ALL who does or who does not have loans. For you to bring that up as a possible motivation for her friends is just plain weird.</p>
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<p>How in the world is cancer anything like paranoia?</p>
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<p>What???</p>
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<p>So are you saying if you had a step-child, you would just ignore them? That you wouldn’t give them any emotional or financial support? Or that if you were a single father (a “broken” home), you wouldn’t pay for your daughter’s education or want to talk with her?</p>
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<p>O_o</p>
<p>Yeaaah, no.</p>
<p>POIH has a rather confrontational style of expressing himself but I think some of his comments are valid, once you wade through the hectoring “I am right and you are wrong” tone.</p>
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<p>Forgive my armchair analysis, but OP’s mother sounds like she has some kind of borderline personality disorder. She sounds very narcissistic to me. One could argue that mental dysfunctions like that are illnesses, like cancer. OP’s lifelong task will be to figure out where her obligations end and at what point she need to put her own happiness first.</p>
<p>And it’s true that your relationship to your mother directly or indirectly determines every other one you will have for the rest of your life. So do what you need to do, but try and keep a perspective on it. Ask yourself how you will feel about choices you make 10, 20, 30 years down the road because believe me, the reverberations will continue that long, and longer.</p>
<p>POIH is the parent who, up until the zero hour last year, intended to move across the country to live in the city where his daughter attends school, expecting her to spend every weekend at home. His wife once started a thread to inquire which of several colleges she should send her daughter to if she wanted her to “hob knob with snobs.” </p>
<p>These are people who are operating on a different program.</p>
<p>As parents, we all operate on our own, distinct programs. And yes, every parent has his/her eccentricities. We all have to deal with them as children (of any age). But as parents, we owe it to our kids to be aware of our own idiosyncrasies and shortcomings. We’re the adults. Our kids should not have to accommodate us endlessly.</p>