My over-controlling mother is out of control

Parents Forum
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<p>This is not correct. CA residents are supposed to have an agreed-upon out of state contact. In the event of an earthquake or other natural disaster, local cell and phone networks may be down or overwhelmed, but not long-distance calling. The OOS contact will be able to act as a command center, telling everyone who is where.</p>

<p>My elderly parents and in-laws live in our local area in CA. We do not stay in constant contact with them, and they don’t call us 2x a day. The parental units are out and about during the day. I have no idea where they are each and every minute of the day. We do, however, have OOS contacts for the two sides of the family.</p>

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<p>Yes, I see where the antagonism comes from now.</p>

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<p>About having a “mean” mother. I have one. I know exactly what it means. Mine is unpredictably mean. I keep an emotional distance from her at all times as self protection. Just remember-- it is not a reflection of you. A person can just be mean. I’m convinced there is a genetic marker for it. My mother has a “mean streak”, has always had it, and will die with it. Protect yourself.</p>

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<p>“Every relation needs patience, commitment, accommodation.” </p>

<p>So true. Both ways. OP has shown patience and accommodation toward her mother, but she needs to firmly know that she is entitled to patience and accommodation FROM her mother as well</p>

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<p>She may be entitled to it, but that doesn’t meant that she will get it. If her mom’s anxieties are heightened by hormonal issues and the separation from her oldest child, the situation may become easier with time. However, from the brief description the OP has given, her mom seems to have a lifelong pattern of control and imperatives. I don’t think you can expect much change from that sort of personality; it’s much more productive to focus on coping strategies. </p>

<p>When (or if) things do ease up, or the mom shifts her focus to another child, the older sibling will have begun to form a separate identity, at least. That’s the springboard she needs to get her through the next few years. I think the worst thing she could do as a beleaguered freshman is to cut family ties. It would only escalate the negativity, send her off on a permanent course of difficult challenges, and it leaves her siblings to handle the backlash.</p>

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<p>POIH…</p>

<p>But at what point with this constant communication thing end?</p>

<p>Will your wife be able to handle it when your D gets in a serious relationship, and that “this is where I am” sort of thing transfers from parent to significant other?</p>

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<p>The OP posted the following as some of her mom’s “rules”
“1.) If you have to cry, cry in the shower
2.) No friends of the opposite sex
3.) No talking/asking/ joking about sex/anything related
4.) No jewelry/earrings
5.) If you have a job, you cannot keep the money. It is put away and we will distribute it to you later. No, it doesn’t matter how old you are when we do this”
6.) No dance functions. (I didn’t even go to prom)</p>

<h1>'s 2, 3, 4, & 6 clearly show that the mother has some hang-ups about sex and is trying to protect her D’s “virtue.” I know a lot of parents worry about teen pregnancy, etc, but creating a repressive environment will not ultimately protect the child. The mom’s other rules show her desire to control everything else about the child’s life too.</h1>

<p>The cry in the shower rule seems quite bizarre to just about everyone on here. It reminds me a bit of the Kennedys…after JFK was assassinated and his small children were instructed not to cry at the funeral. Maybe some families don’t like to put themselves on display publicly, but in one’s own home for a child to be relegated to crying in the shower seems, well, it seems more than bizarre–it seems cruel.</p>

<p>It amazes me (and not in a good way) that any parent here thinks it’s the kids duty (now that she is away at college) to continue to accomodate the mother in the same way that she was forced to when she was a minor and living at home.</p>

<p>I think it’s pretty obvious that the OP is a responsible and trustworthy young adult. She is away and she is not going wild. She is not disrespectful. The mom is multi-tasking with oppressing the OP’s younger siblings and by all accounts they are not happy either. Her younger brother is described as rebellious and he may be the one to “break” mom, but I wonder about that since he cannot get pregnant. I still see a lot of the double standard when it comes to raising boys and girls and I’m betting that this mom is no exception. </p>

<p>It is a testament to this young woman that she is as together as she appears to be and wants to compromise with her mom. She came here to CC out of frustration looking for some direction. It’s not actually the OP’s intention to sever her ties with her family; she’s going to attempt to work things out.</p>

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<p>Will ParentIvy’s wife go with daughter on her honeymoon?</p>

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<p>No offense to anyone specifically, but I can’t help but wonder how some of you talk to people when you’re face to face in “real life”. It seems to me that the anonymity of posting on a board such as this makes some people write things that I could never actually say directly to anyone. Why the need to make snarky anonymous comments or are you just snarky in real life face to face too?</p>

<p>You judge based on a few postings and (1) assume that all you’ve been told is fact and no other details were left out (2) extrapolate wildly about a situation and people you have no first hand knowledge of. </p>

<p>Are you all such perfect parents that nobody could ever hear your child calling you “mean and unreasonable”? Do your children not exaggerate when they are frustrated or angry?</p>

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<p>"Will ParentIvy’s wife go with daughter on her honeymoon? "</p>

<p>This is not out of the realm of possibility…</p>

<p>One of my dear friends was married all of 2 days when the mother-in-law arrived in Hawaii to interrupt the honeymoon. She flew 3000+ miles to inform the newlyweds that her son’s new wife’s parents had been rude to her at the wedding reception.<br>
(Maybe it was the ludricrous intimation that their daughter was a golddigger, or the outrageous comment that she didn’t deserve such an expensive ring that set them off.)
Once there the MIL started a huge melee and demanded that her son get the marriage annulled and tried to literally rip the ring off of his new wife’s finger. I’m sure you can guess how that ended–yes son capitulated. Crazy, controlling parents have been around for a long time.</p>

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<p>No, MagnoliaMom, I have never been accused of being a perfect parent, and yes, my kids have at times called me mean and unreasonable – and I admit that at times I have been mean and unreasonable. But being mean and unreasonable on isolated occasions is not the same as being systematically mean and unreasonable. As for “assuming that all you’ve been told is fact,” on CC we have to take what posters post at face value, IMO. The system falls apart if we presume that posters are lying (unless they show us otherwise, as some eventually do.) Based on her posts, I think that the OP has established that her mother’s behavior exceeds the boundaries of a normal parent’s bad behavior.</p>

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<p>Yes, my kids will complain about a lot of things. However, they will NEVER ever come up with a line like “my mother allows me to cry only in shower”, “no friendship and interaction with opposite sex allowed” “arbitrary bed time at 8 PM for teenagers”, “my mother call/text/cyber stalk/harass my friends about my whereabouts”, “my mother goes crazy and flies off the handle if I don’t call her twice a day” ---- the list goes on.</p>

<p>Unless OP is completely fabricating all this (which I don’t believe), the examples she provided are enough to form a pretty clear view of this mother being completely out of control. There is NO way to categorize her behavior to be within a normal range of parental supervision and concern.</p>

<p>Ask yourself: if this was a boyfriend or husband who is behaving this way toward her, would you still talk about “the other side of the story”??? If you see a woman with bruises all over her face, will you wonder what’s the husband/BF side of the story and discuss the need to hold our judgment? Why should we assume that somehow parent’s motives are ALWAYS noble? I have seen enough parents who do tremendous damage to their children. Let’s not give them free pass simply because they are parents. Some of us are twisted, yes, even as parents.</p>

<p>If what OP is saying is true, then what she divulged is ALREADY ENOUGH to form an opinion.</p>

<p>Yes, in a court of law, we won’t pass a guilty verdict to mom since we don’t have irrefutable physical evidence. However, that’s not what we are doing here. OP is obviously distressed greatly, and posters are taking her input on a face value and based on that assumption, providing perspective and advice on coping strategies. </p>

<p>And, in my mind, one of the important perspectives OP needs to hear is that “YES, YOUR MOTHER IS SCREWED UP”, so that she can validate her sense of worth and self esteem and avoid the trap of internalizing this as her problem. I have a friend - an accomplished professional in her early fifties. All throughout her life, she suffered from a sense of inadequacy and guilt because somehow she managed to let her mother convince her that all the problems between them is because my friend is an ungrateful, unreasonable daughter. One day, I sat her down and declared to her “your mother is the worst parent I can possibly think of, and you need to mentally cast her out before you can move on with your life and save what joy and pleasure still left in you”. This friend never got married, and I believe a big portion of her problem is that she never felt that she is a good enough person to make anybody important to her happy.</p>

<p>To OP: Please get counseling and help. Not just for tactical advice on how to handle your mother, but for a long term benefit of restoring a sense of balance in yourself. You will need it for future relationships and yes, for your future children. Good luck.</p>

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<p>"Will ParentIvy’s wife go with daughter on her honeymoon? "</p>

<p>*This is not out of the realm of possibility…</p>

<p>One of my dear friends was married all of 2 days when the mother-in-law arrived in Hawaii to interrupt the honeymoon. She flew 3000+ miles to inform the newlyweds that her son’s new wife’s parents had been rude to her at the wedding reception.
(Maybe it was the ludricrous intimation that their daughter was a golddigger, or the outrageous comment that she didn’t deserve such an expensive ring that set them off.)
Once there the MIL started a huge melee and demanded that her son get the marriage annulled and tried to literally rip the ring off of his new wife’s finger. I’m sure you can guess how that ended–yes son capitulated. Crazy, controlling parents have been around for a long time. *</p>

<p>That is unbelievable! Also unbelievable that the son would go along with his mom on this issue. Crazy. Yes, that is crazy. I don’t have to be licensed therapist to recognize that as crazy. LOL</p>

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<p>I agree with WJB :slight_smile: post #291</p>

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<p>No, I am not a perfect parent and yes, I have been mean and unreasonable on occasion. However, denying young adults normal rites of passage is mean and unreasonable.</p>

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<p>This may have changed, but the wife’s intent was to go abroad as well if the daughter studied abroad for a semester. POIH has shared that his wife went through hardship as a young girl and that accounts for some of her tight grip on her daughter. By all accounts, this young lady is incredibly bright and accomplished and level headed and mature.</p>

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<p>I’m concerned for the OP for many reasons, but more so now that I’ve noticed mom’s rule #3: “No talking/asking/ joking about sex/anything related.” I hope this mother didn’t neglect her responsibility to see that her daughter has accurate and appropriate information about sexuality. (Maybe she gave her a book, at least - I hope so.) How sad for a mother to withhold herself as someone to whom an adolescent girl can talk, ask, or even joke about sex.</p>

<p>Have I missed the responses of those who feel that this mother is not overly controlling to her rules about crying in the shower, no male friendships, and no discussions about sex? Parents certainly have the right to set rules for their high school-aged kids, but these would have been extreme even then, I feel. (And that 8 PM bedtime? Is that justifiable for a hs student, too?) </p>

<p>I see no reason to assume that the OP is exaggerating. Her tone has been mature and responsible throughout. As for assuming that what she’s told is fact, well - all of us online have to take the measure of other posters based on their language, tone, and the content of their posts. Again, nothing the OP has written suggests that she’s been anything other than genuine in what she’s written.</p>

<p>Seems to me we’ve had a million threads from parents who post to vent about their children, and few people question their veracity.</p>

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<p>I’m not defending the actions of the mother and I fully concur that OP needs to seek therapy. My concern is how posters are ranting in a tactless unproductive way. Giving constructive advice such as advising OP to seek counseling is different from the snarky angry lashing out exhibited on this thread. Some of you apparently have absolutely no empathy whatsoever.</p>

<p>I repeat:
Why the need to make snarky anonymous comments or are you just snarky in real life face to face too?</p>

<p>In my opinion, statements like these make a statement in themselves.
“And, in my mind, one of the important perspectives OP needs to hear is that “YES, YOUR MOTHER IS SCREWED UP”” Sure, everyone knows that we all want to hear that our mother is screwed up, especially from some anonymous person on the internet instead of a therapist.</p>

<p>Enough said. Rant on if it makes you feel better.</p>

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<p>POIH’s family has found a way to accommodate the wife’s hyper-anxiety that works for them, at least for the time being. I’m sure that POIH knows that the accommodations that they have worked out won’t work forever. POIH’s daughter seems to be strong enough emotionally (and have enough support from her father) that she can set some limits, even if many of us wouldn’t be comfortable with them. She has grown up with Asian cultural assumptions that place family duty ahead of the emphasis on personal independence and autonomy that characterize Western cultures, so she may be more willing to be accountable and accommodating than other American teenagers.</p>

<p>Interesting new book on this subject, btw: [STANFORD</a> Magazine: November/December 2009 > Features > Katchadourian on Guilt](<a href=“Page Not Found”>Page Not Found)</p>

<p>POIH, that doesn’t mean that what works for your family will work for others, especially families that don’t come from your culture. It would absolutely not work in my family. Also, a psychological disorder or disability is different from a physical one. Accommodating it may not be the healthiest solution for the sufferer, let alone the sufferer’s significant others. At some point the sufferer needs to take some responsibility for her illness, and that won’t happen unless the people she loves let her know (lovingly) when she is being unreasonable.</p>

<p>The OP needs to find some balance and happiness in her life, and she won’t by just rolling over and giving into her mother’s irrational behavior. Nor will she find happiness by just throwing her relationship with her mother out the window. That’s why so many of us have suggested discussing this with a school counselor or therapist who has some experience with overinvolved parents.</p>

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<p>What? For the whole semester or for a visit? My friend and her H did a visit to France while their D was there for a semester. I’ve never heard of a parent going for the entire time (that would be rather expensive unless you had family there to stay with). Going abroad with the D is more than what has been described to us as a simple system to make sure everyone’s safe and ok.</p>