<p>You are taking it entirely out of context. For whatever reason, you want to give the parent a maximum benefit of doubt, even questioning the veracity of the account provided by OP: the kind of gentle treatment none of us would give to a BF or a husband who is behaving in the same manner. What many of us here are saying is, being a parent does not mean an automatic free pass for over the top behavior. Calling a spade is a spade can be in many cases a liberating experience. For someone who has felt that she has been oppressed the whole short life of hers, it is necessary to hear that “you are not a source of the problem”, and hearing from other parents is especially important since it puts the whole thing in a proper balance: it’s good for her to know that even from the perspective of other parents, her mother’s behavior is way over the top.</p>
<p>I think you are projecting issues of you own on the most of us who have a different view from you. IN fact, most of us have been very supportive to the OP: nobody has been snarky to HER. Somehow, you take issue with us because you felt that we were snarky to her mother, even there, I don’t agree with you. </p>
<p>I accept that some posters identify a lot more with the parent than OP. That’s O.K. But preaching etiquette to other posters who see the whole thing more from the OP’s perspective is disingenuous and condescending.</p>
<p>Ok, lizmane, I really wasn’t going to comment any more.
BUT:
“I think you are projecting issues of you own on the most of us who have a different view from you.”</p>
<p>Really? You don’t even know me. And I think I’m glad and will keep it that way, thank you.</p>
<p>Internet advice board operates with the assumption that those seeking advice is providing truthful information. </p>
<p>Under the circumstance, the fact that you started to question OP’s veracity opens the door for others to also question your own motive. What goes around comes around. </p>
<p>If you mostly identify with the parent, that’s your prerogative and you are free to express yourself. What is not OK is for you to preach to other posters who are giving very different advice for being somewhat below the level of civil discourse. None of was uncivil to OP. Your accusation of us hiding behind the Internet anonymity to be snarky is not justified. The fact that most of hold highly unflattering views of her mother is not being snarky to OP. We are responding to OP, not her mother, and yes, most of us do share some frank opinions about OP’s mother.</p>
<p>Enough said: I hope OP gets good counseling, and I am signing off now.</p>
<p>We got hollered at when we cried after punishment. I think it made mom feel conflicted (bad?) for a bit - hence the ‘quit crying’ command. OP’s mom told OP to take it to the shower.</p>
<p>Correct me if I’m wrong. Hugs.</p>
<p>There are some really humorous memoirs about odd moms*. I recall “Zippy”. Any others? (I say odd because little kids don’t know when they are being abused).</p>
<p>Apparently (I looked this up) there was a long thread by ParentofIvy back in the spring of this year about how his wife wanted to move to Massach. to be no further away than 50 miles from the daughter when she went to college and that in the past both parents always went everywhere with the daughter so as to be within a 50 mile radius of her at all times during teacher supervised high school trips, camping, etc. and that the mother wanted to go with the daughter during study abroad in college.</p>
<p>I know of people from different cultures who were raised never to object to punishment and never cry openly even when they were caned because crying was a sign that they believed the punishment was unjust and they were just trying to make the parent feel guilty. In some cases, they were not allowed to slink away to cry in secret but just had to carry on as if nothing had happened. The parents thought it was a totally acceptable practice. That is why I was wondering whether the family was of foreign origins. This might also explain the extreme anxiety about sex.</p>
<p>*Apparently (I looked this up) there was a long thread by ParentofIvy back in the spring of this year about how his wife wanted to move to Massach. to be no further away than 50 miles from the daughter when she went to college and that in the past both parents always went everywhere with the daughter so as to be within a 50 mile radius of her at all times during teacher supervised high school trips, camping, etc. and that the mother wanted to go with the daughter during study abroad in college. *</p>
<p>Do they only have one child? My mom would say that “some” people end up like this because of the “small family syndrome”. When people used to have more kids (like my mom and many of her peers), people didn’t often have the time (or energy ) to focus so much on one kid. LOL </p>
<p>Besides, when you have a bunch of kids, you can’t possibly place yourself within 50 miles of all of them once they’re away at school or married, unless no one ever moves away.</p>
<p>Re: crying in the shower, many people used to, and some still see crying as a sign of weakness that should never be displayed, especially by men. Hence “boys don’t cry” notion. Though certainly unhealthy as understood by most today, this attitude does not necessarily mean the parent is abusive - just misguided.</p>
<p>I am also not sure why this thread is turning into “POIH&family bashing” thread. This will not help OP, or anyone else.</p>
<p>Good point, nngmm. I had no intention to bash POIH or family, and I apologize if I did. I think POIH adds greatly to the diversity of viewpoints expressed in this thread as well as on C.C in general. I think he has a refreshing candor and believe he has a sense of humor to take a joke or two.</p>
<p>Back to OP’s situation, I disagree with those who are ‘sticking up for the mom’ here, though it is not surprising, given that this is a parent’s forum. True, we don’t know the mother’s side of the story, but that is true for most if not all internet forums. We have to take the OP at her word, and if she is misrepresenting, then our advice is useless. </p>
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<p>Well said. We don’t even know that OP is really a college student. OP could be a psychologist posing a hypothetical question for a research study, and we could just be his lab rats.</p>
<p>parentofivyhopeful---- You are a very kind and decent human being. I admire your approach in working toward an acceptable way of keeping your wife and your daughter happy. For those that don’t understand you…leave it alone because they will not get what you are trying to say. I personally find the respect that you have given to your wife and the love you have shown to both dd and dw is very special.</p>
<p>His approach to raising his child has resulted in a mature and responsible young lady who is doing very well…this we could tell. What do you know about the OPs behavior toward her mother? There are too many harsh words being fed to this OP about her mom.What good is going to come of telling this kid to forget her mom, take out loans or join ROTC. I do not see any positive aspects of posts that suggest such things.</p>
<p>When does it end? Suppose everything this young lady has said has been 99% accurate. When should the mom accept that this young lady is an adult? </p>
<p>Must this young lady cow-tow to her mom the rest of her life? If not, when would you think that she could finally say, “enough is enough”? at 20? 25? 30? ever?</p>
<p>She is a freshman in college and is getting advice that includes severing ties with her mom, joining ROTC, and taking out loans to pay for college on her own. Why would anyone give this kind of advice to a young girl when it would make her life so much more difficult than it could possibly be. The only thing that she is facing right now is going home for Thanksgiving. She needs to face her mom as an adult and speak as an adult and her mom will start treating her as an adult. The key words being "AS AN ADULT’. </p>
<p>I am not saying that her mom is 100% right here, by no means but everyone is assuming the worst and the OP is still a kid. She may be 18 but she is a kid. Why tell someone who is this young to make all of these choices right now. If her mom trully has emotional issues than they will still be there if she does not get help. This young lady has the rest of her life to make an adult decision to stay away from her mom, this is NOT the time. </p>
<p>I believe many people had a very quick response to this young lady and her situation. Many have openly admitted that they have had difficult lives with their own mothers. Not every situation is what it appears to be and this one was taken at face value. Certainly the original posts should have made some things clear, but I think when adults have some deep emotional scars themselves they need to stop and think before they give advise that may not be in the best interest in the OP. </p>
<p>momof2collegekids-- It the OP is able to figure out a way to make it stop by the time she is 20 that would be wonderful. She will have accomplished something wonderful in her young adult life…having a relationship with her mom. I wish her the best and I hope she will stand strong as an emerging adult and talk nicely to her mom over the break. Mending fences is so much more productive than destroying them.
Happy Thanksgiving to the OP and I hope you will at least consider that your mom loves you and that is a good enough reason to have a relationship with her. You are away at college and you could do anything you want (scary thought) Why would you feel so trapped by a person who is not there? Call your mom—what is the big deal? Tell her she must stop calling your friends and she can never call your professors. I would also suggest do well in school and show your mom that you are interested in your classes and happy with your college life. These things will make your mom relax a bit-she sounds nervous.
Adults be a little gentler with the advice…she is only 18 years old.</p>
<p>I am using my son’s login to hide my identity, but I have dealt with a very controlling mother for a very long time. (She still wants me to call every day and I’m a middle aged adult!!) Unfortunately, it is not a good idea to try to go out on your own. Believe me, I had thought of it. I decided that I would deal with what I had to in order to get my college education. The chances are that she is not going to change, but you may be able to get her to accept one text a day. I would also have your friends take her off your Facebook account. That is soooo inappropriate.</p>
<p>The good news is that you are away from her during most of the year and she’s not with you every day. During the summer I stayed on campus or got a job that was seasonal so that I could avoid living at home. Just stay strong and realize that it won’t be long before you graduate, get a job and will be totally free to make your own decisions.</p>
<p>(my question) *When does it end? Suppose everything this young lady has said has been 99% accurate. When should the mom accept that this young lady is an adult? </p>
<p>Must this young lady cow-tow to her mom the rest of her life? If not, when would you think that she could finally say, “enough is enough”? at 20? 25? 30? ever? *</p>
<p>**If the OP is able to figure out a way to make it stop by the time she is 20 that would be wonderful. …</p>
<p>You are away at college and you could do anything you want (scary thought) Why would you feel so trapped by a person who is not there? Call your mom—what is the big deal? Tell her she must stop calling your friends and she can never call your professors. I would also suggest do well in school and show your mom that you are interested in your classes and happy with your college life. These things will make your mom relax a bit-she sounds nervous.**</p>
<p>I think that it’s naive to think that a mom who behaves in this fashion is going to stop anytime soon - certainly not when the OP is 20, because she’ll still be in school. This is a mom who will use the financial leverage as long as she can. When the financial leverage of school is over, she’ll find something other thing to threaten (We’ll cut you out of the will, we won’t pay for your wedding, (or something else.)) The mom sounds both nervous and super-controlling. Super-controlling people are “nervous” and fearful. That’s what feeds their controlling behaviors.</p>
<p>The mother’s behavior may not stop, but the OP’s ability to make her own choices will increase with time. Just like she can choose her own friends and set her own bed time today.
Once she is financially independent, it will be completely up to the OP to decide what kind and how much contact she wants with her mom. And having a college degree will help greatly to achieve this goal. She will be able to pay for her own wedding if she chooses, and will not be dependent on the will.</p>
<p>What worries me is that the child of a controlling parent often feels that it’s appropriate to allow others to control her…that can extend to boyfriends, husbands, bosses. I think the OP needs to hear, loud and clear, that this is inappropriate, that she has a right to make her own decisions, lead her own life…that she can be a good daughter and her own person at the same time. She sounds like a very thoughtful young woman and I believe she can sort through this advice and choose what feels right to her. And that is really important for someone who has been kept on such a tight leash all her life.</p>
) to focus so much on one kid. LOL </p>