My parents are confused about "letting go."

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m a freshman in college. So my parents are having a hard time letting go. They’ve demanded that I call every day (emails are not okay - I have to call them). If I don’t call or email every day, my mom emails me to tell me that I haven’t been in touch and to remind me to do so. A couple weeks ago, my parents called me four or five times on my cell because I hadn’t called. My mother emailed me nine times once when I didn’t reply to one of her emails. My dad also expects me to reply to every single point he raises in his emails (you know how, if you have nothing to say, you just don’t say anything sometimes?).</p>

<p>If I don’t live up to their expectations, it must be because I don’t respect them and have the wrong priorities (as in, family’s supposed to come before all else). I’ve more or less given in to this, since my parents aren’t people you can negotiate with.</p>

<p>Recently, I decided to join a club that meets on weekends, and meetings are mandatory. This means that I can’t go home on weekends that often, since meetings are mandatory. My mother replies by telling me that I shouldn’t be putting anything else above family and that I’m being inconsiderate and clearly have the wrong notion of being a college student.</p>

<p>In all likelihood, I’m not likely to go home that often even if I don’t join this club. But my parents have a tendency to interpret every one of my decisions based on how much respect they get. So if something isn’t to their liking, I’m doing something disrespectful, thoughtless, etc.</p>

<p>Sometimes I just get really frustrated and don’t know what to do. I’ve read several threads in the cafe here about how much contact is normal between parents and their college students. Naturally, every family has different standards, but the standards seem to work for everyone involved. (When I first protested, my parents said, “Well, what works for one family may not work for another.” And it’s completely true. But when my mother tells me I’m wrong, she likes to tell me how all her friends and coworkers think the same thing as her.) And that’s not the case in my family. In my case, it’s become normal for every other email from my parents to be a lecture on how I need to learn responsibility by being considerate towards my parents.</p>

<p>I mean, I completely plan on going home for Thanksgiving, winter break, spring break, and some long weekends.</p>

<p>And, you know, I was just starting to miss them, but…</p>

2

<p>Can you just quick call on your way to class? One of those " Hi, I am fine, just wanted to say hi, gotta get to class, talk to you tomorrow," kind of calls.</p>

<p>Family is important but right now I believe school should be our daughter’s priority, not coming home to visit us.</p>

3

<p>You aren’t like first or second generation american are you? The reason I ask is the kids we know that have it the same way you do are such.</p>

<p>Consider a speakerphone, learn to do your facebook, homework while talking or listening to them.</p>

<p>Tell them to come down and visit you, because you have activities that morning on a weekend. Grab a Saturday lunch. Invite them to a game. </p>

<p>It’s going to take a while to break away… You’re not the oldest child are you?</p>

<p>It’s not lack of respect they’re feeling, it’s fear… try and understand…and gently work them into how things should be…</p>

<p>Another way to look at it… there are kids that would trade places with you as all their lives their parents treated them like they didn’t exist.</p>

4

<p>is there a law that says you must return home to visit them? Invite them to visit you at college when you are between classes, or your day off, or in an afternoon, if you have an evening class, and as an extra bonus, you could ask them to see you at a time when you know it would be difficult for them! In fact, I might purposely seek a time handy for me (as the student) that I thought would be VERY difficult for them. Then I might play naive and say " Gee, my meeting is this Wednesday at 4 p.m. but why don’t you visit in the morning?" If it is out of the question for them, due to their family home/work obligations then that might be a good time to mention you now have school obligations on your way toward being a happy, self supporting adult. When they turn you down, tell them you understand they can’t visit when you had asked because of their “life” and then add that you can’t always call or visit when they want because of your new obligations. Just as they can’t skip a day of work for a casual visit, you can’t skip a class or study time to visit them. Let them know that you know It’s not they won’t visit because they love you less, but just that they have other obligations. Maybe they will see a similarity? Maybe just maybe they might expect fewer visits, and with this new comparison now in their head, maybe fewer emails too.
Also, tell them about your new club, how excited you are to be getting involved in something new, meeting new people and having new experiences, definitely say how this club can benefit you. Play it up big. Add that this club has mandatory meetings at- whenever they are.
It would be hard for a parent to tell a kid “don’t try your best, don’t join clubs at school, don’t be an active learning participant in school”. Seem excited about your new opportunities, and the benefits, but add that they are time demanding. To discourage you from such rewarding activities would be like telling a kid “don’t do your best”. Hard for a parent to advise that! In a nice way you can put them in an awkward situation, and might help them to see a bigger picture.</p>

5

<p>Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I’ve calmed down now. I always feel indignant right after one of the abovementioned incidents. I think I’m going to stick with the club and invite my parents to visit me at school more often. </p>

<p>Opie, yes to both your questions. Actually, I’m an only child, and I know that’s a contributing factor.</p>

<p>It’s just that when you’re in the middle of an argument, you feel quite differently from when you’re, well, not. I’m going to call my parents now.</p>

6

<p>I’m with younghoss … find ways to nudge your parents towards a mutually agreable agreement on communication and visits. Her/his post was very clever about setting them up in the same conflict so they can hopefully see the conflict through your eyes. The suggestions about their visiting you are also good. I’d also suggest thinking about who can be an advocate for you … someone your parents really trust who can gently and subtly help you out … an older sibling, an older cousin, an Aunt or Uncle, a family friend … someone who can reinforce that your requests are reasonable.</p>

7

<p>I’m. So. Freaking. Brilliant.</p>

<p>I created a new account to post about my dilemma, but I guess that’s useless now. Seriously, I need to learn some common sense.</p>

8

<p>When’s the first parent’s weekend? Plead with them to come. Show them around. Introduce them to your friends… And Thank them for coming down.</p>

<p>Think of it as inviting them to your new house.</p>

<p>Make sure you have family pictures up. A good one is a post it note on your study to desk to call mom and dad as a reminder.</p>

<p>They want you in their comfort zone, you just need to work on expanding their zone. ;)</p>

<p>It’s a big cultural step in letting loose, try to understand and help them adjust. They love and worry about and for you, plus they don’t want to be forgotten (that’s the respect thing that get tossed out). Make sure you leave indicators around your room that they haven’t been.</p>

9

<p>You’ve spent a lifetime trying to please your parents, but it’s your life, and you get to have some say in what you do on a daily basis. Unfortunately, there will be many people in your life who don’t respect your boundaries. Work on developing a strong technique where you sound neutral but are actually controlling the situation.</p>

<p>Don’t look at their e-mails until you have time. Let their excessive calls go to voicemail. When you do pick up their calls, use the broken record technique, “I can’t talk now, I’ll call you on Sunday.” Or, make short calls while walking to class (because the reception is so much better!) and then say you have to hang up. Repeat as needed. Expect them to escalate their criticism for a while, because bullying has worked for them in the past, but the criticism should subside in a reasonable amount of time. They don’t want to lose you.</p>

10

<p>Call when you know they’re not home and leave a voicemail. Saves you time and they can’t say you didn’t call. (Just kidding - sort of.)</p>

<p>But seriously, your parents clearly do not understand that one of the main reasons for going away to college is to become independent. Daily phone calls and a point-by-point answer of every email is an excessive expectation for American college students. This is something you are all going to have to work on, because I predict it’s not going to be any better when you get married. Perhaps you can show them some of the threads on CC where parents and kids talk about what is an appropriate level of communication? Or does your college have pamphlets or handouts for parents? </p>

<p>Midwesterner’s advice is terrific. The broken record technique usually works, eventually. And when you do talk to them and email, remind them that you love them. It may be that reassurance is what they’re really looking for.</p>