So I’m a rising senior, and I’ve been compiling a list of colleges to apply for. The top three I’ve been discussing with my parents are U of M- Ann Arbor, Michigan State University, and Wayne State University. I’m confident that I’ll get into Michigan State and Wayne State, but Ann Arbor is kind of a reach.
My top choice is Michigan State; it would be completely free for me, as my parents make below a certain income level so I qualify for the Spartan Advantage Program- tuition, fees, room, board, and books will be covered. I also love the campus and the atmosphere of the college, and this school has great programs for the majors I’m considering, as well as many extracurriculars. However, it’s an hour and a half away from home, which my parents hate. I’ve already said that I would be living in the all-girls building they have (I’m a girl and my parents are worried about my safety) and I would drive home on weekends and every break I have. I’m also responsible- I don’t drink or do drugs, and I definitely don’t plan on starting. I promised that I would continue my religious studies too (my parents are EXTREMELY religious). Overall, I think Michigan State would be a perfect fit for me.
My parents want me to go to Ann Arbor or Wayne State as a second choice, as both are close to where I live. Ann Arbor would also be free for me, but I don’t know if I’ll even get in, as it is very competitive. It’s a great school, but my sister and a lot of kids of family friends go there too. My sister and I don’t get along and I don’t want to be stuck with the same kids I grew up with that my parents are constantly comparing me to. If I stay, I feel like I’ll become even more insecure than I already am and that I’ll never grow out of my shell. It’ll be high school all over again. I want to be independent and have the space to grow as my own person- something I’ll never get if I go to one of these two schools.
Plus, I would have to pay to go to Wayne State so it doesn’t even make sense as a second choice. I don’t know how much money they’ll give me, but it definitely won’t be free like Michigan State. My parents just like it because they want me to live at home and commute there.
A little clarification: my parents are Pakistani immigrants and very religious. They’re afraid of giving me any kind of freedom and are worried about my safety- I’m not even allowed to hang out with my friends, which is part of the reason I want to go to a college a little further away so I’ll have more freedom. But I do love them and I don’t want them to be mad at me, so I’m feeling very conflicted here. Whose happiness do I prioritize?
Unfortunately there are lots of these threads on CC.
Can you contact the head of your religious denomination at MSU and get more information about the strength of the religious community on campus? Maybe there is even a religious living/learning community? Sometime parents need things to be more concrete about what you will attend and who you will be surrounded by and it may help them be more comfortable with the idea of you going to MSU. That person could also address some of the safety concerns.
If your parents are firm on their decision of you not rooming away at college, remember that UM and Wayne State are both very large schools. You can find your own tribe away from your HS friends and sister. You can get involved in organizations, research, study groups, and even paid work on campus and be home very infrequently. Trust me when I say that the next four years are going to fly by where every you are going to school.
“It’s a great school, but my sister and a lot of kids of family friends go there too. My sister and I don’t get along and I don’t want to be stuck with the same kids I grew up with that my parents are constantly comparing me to. If I stay, I feel like I’ll become even more insecure than I already am and that I’ll never grow out of my shell. It’ll be high school all over again. I want to be independent and have the space to grow as my own person- something I’ll never get if I go to one of these two schools.”
UMich has close to 30,000 undergrads. You’ll meet plenty of new people and can easily avoid hanging out with your sister and other students from your high school.
In my humble opinion, there is really no need to think about the issue now. Apply and get admissions first and then consider this based on your admission results. Who knows, your parents may feel differently when they realize that they need to pay way more to keep you around. Lol.
The thing is, if I stayed here my parents would have me go straight to class then come straight home. I don’t want to be lying or sneaking around just so I can hang out with my friends. I also want the full dorm life experience. I don’t know what kind of freedom I’ll be allowed to have when I get to college, but I don’t know how to bring that up to my parents without them getting mad.
I would concentrate on the academic strengths of Michigan State…not your need for newfound freedoms. Having more freedom is unlikely to convince them you should choose Michigan State.
I think @momofsenior1 has a very good idea about reaching out to the leader(s) of your religious denomination/community at MSU. You have time to learn as much as possible, to make connections, to possibly explain your challenge to the right person, and to perhaps find some reassurance/assistance for your parents.
Back in the day, I had several friends with immigrant parents who had similar restrictions. In fact, one of my (now-lifelong) childhood friends was told by her immigrant parents that all of us other children were a bad influence and that she should simply focus on her studies. She and I were friendly in school, and her parents finally agreed to her idea that they sit down with and literally interview my parents in order to learn more about me/us. My parents were sympathetic and willingly put themselves through what turned out to be a mild interrogation. She was so grateful to them. Her parents ultimately agreed that we could be friends. It probably took a full year for them to come around to the idea of interviewing my parents, and two more years to agree that she could attend a function at my house. Once the friendship was approved, we went miniature golfing and did other things together on occasion that friends would do. Ultimately, she was even able to attend a small 8th grade graduation party at my house. Baby steps, but real ones.
My point is that you are right to be thinking about this now, and the sooner you turn your thoughts into productive action, the better. Your goal is to find information, make a solid connection, and link up with an adult ally within your religious community at MSU.
I think the issue here is whether you can go away to college or commute. Bottom line, it comes down to what your parents decide, come spring. For now, apply to the various schools and see how it goes
Thank you @momofsenior1 and @CardinalBobcat for the suggestions! I did find a leader of the religious community that I follow at MSU that I will be contacting for more information. Hopefully, I can convince my parents to visit the school sometime this summer and we can set up an appointment with them to assuage their fears. Maybe when they see that I’ll have responsible adults looking out for me that they can also build a relationship with, they’ll be more open-minded about me attending school there.
First of all, don’t get wound up about things that haven’t happened yet. First, get accepted…that will probably be in the late fall, at the earliest. And then begin thinking of your strategy…with the top thing being the religious component of these schools. Join the pakistani michigan group at Facebook (search for it there) and if you’re muslim, get involved with that group as well https://msu.edu/~msa/about.html
for now, though, concentrate on creating a good application…you have to get in first.
I’d try to get your parents to go to MSU several times. Have the religious leader person invite them for an event, a tour, a meeting. Find some special program in your major that they can attend - senior showcase, a play, an art show. Find reasons to be on campus. Does the women’s dorm have any tours or activities set up? Get copies of articles about things going on at the school.
This summer is the 50th anniversary of the Apollo moon landing, and daughter’s school has a lot of articles about the alums who worked on the program, what they are doing now, etc. It’s very interesting and really gets the parents involved in the school too. Find some things about MSU that they’d like. Help them feel safe with you going there.
I wouldn’t wait to put Operation MSU into action. This will all take time.
Ann Arbor will NOT be HS all over again. You can see as much or as little of your HS friends as you want to there. I went there - my older sib and lots of people from my HS were there. I saw a few people I liked from my HS occasionally, but rarely without planning to. Your fears there are unjustified. If you get in, go there.
It is a pretty big step down academically from MSU to Wayne State - agree about visiting with your parents to try to convince them.
Relax and do not obsess about this. Posters have given you good options for dealing with your situation. Be proactive as they suggest. Do the college applications. I would not emphasize the nonreligious extracurriculars- you just quietly do them at whichever school you attend. Next spring you can show them how the academics best meet your needs at the school you desire and have been accepted at.
Parents. Regardless of where they immigrated from or their religion they have raised Americans. Have patience. Use the advice above to help them work through their current mindset. In your case it seems as though contacting religious leaders at MSU will be useful.
Are the colleges free for you without any input from your parents or do they need to sign anything? When you graduate, you’re an adult and can make your own decisions. If you don’t need money from your parents, be firm and do what you want. They may be mad, but most actually come around. It’s the fear of change and “losing you” that worries them. Their fear is often much worse than reality and once they see that, they’ll adjust.
In the meantime, try the suggestions others have listed here (no need to repeat them in my post). Be nice and try to make it easier on them. Sometimes it works, but quite frankly, sometimes it doesn’t. Many are very ingrained in their beliefs that females need to be chaperoned and watched their entire lives. We had a young gal 2-3 years ago who fortunately got scholarships from outside to cover college as her parents were insistent that no gal needed to go to college at all. She was to be a wife/mom with maybe a small job until marriage and that was that. For her brother they willingly paid for college. It’s a good thing our country doesn’t agree that parental rights extend into adulthood.
I fully agree with you that it’s time to get away and be yourself - develop your own life. You definitely don’t need to come home every weekend, esp if they don’t come around, but first things first. Most humans in our country believe their beliefs about females is wrong. Try to break the cycle if you can so your daughters and granddaughters don’t have to go through what you’ve experienced. You can do this without dropping your faith or love for your parents. It’s this one thing where there’s disagreement (maybe one or two other things, of course). It’s not everything. You just have to be firm if the money is there. Can guidance at your school help you? They helped the gal at our school tremendously - finding money for her.
At this point I would apply to all 3…get your parents to fill out the FAFSA.
If you can go for free…and you are 18…you can make your own decision…
But you have to factor in how would you get to school.
Maybe you could frame this as not “how can they control where i go to school” but "how can they become comfortable with MSU?
Research religious life on campus at MSU: student groups, official leaders. Reach out to the Pakistani American group on campus: I’m sure they’ve dealt with this before.
Perhaps also find ways for religious allies/leaders explain how prestigious MSU is and how proud they’d be if someone from their community got into that school (or UMichigan).
There’s a big rivalry between both schools so you might have allies in your mosque/community just because they’re pro msu/anti UMich :D.
They allowed your sister to room at Ann Arbor, correct?
I imagine they would not discriminate against you v. your sister, even if thy threaten to. (Do not say this to them )
DO NOT speak of your freedoms and independence - you’re right in wanting that but it’s unlikely to win them over.
Run the net price calculator on Mount Holyoke college, Agnes Scott College, Wellesley College, Scripps College, Bryn Mawr. They’re women’s colleges - there are no male students.* Lots of high level Pakistani send their daughters there, especially Mount Holyoke.
These colleges are far away but adding them to your list might make MSU seem closer.
(*well, strictly speaking, some may enroll as art of an exchange, but most classes will be entirely female, there’ll be more female professors, etc. )
I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. My in-laws are Pakistani and the assumption of many family members is that girls need to live at home during college. One person, in speaking of a girl from another family, said approvingly, “She would go to her university classes and come straight home after” - - the theory being that they can say that to the family of a future husband to show that she is both educated and “pure.” But there are some progressive people in the extended family/community who let girls go off to other schools. If there is anyone in the broader family/community network who is more progressive, they may serve as a voice for you in this process, because I totally get that your parents will not listen to you. It is a very hierarchical culture in my experience and children are expected to be obedient. My daughter is 15 and she has already started feeling judged because she’s a polite, good girl by my culture’s standards (Canadian WASP) but viewed as unacceptably vocal by the standards of some of my in-laws. And they are relatively progressive compared to others in the community. So my suggestions are: (1) see if you can identify community members who may be able to explain to your parents that you need to go to the best possible school and you can stay in the women’s dorm and be a part of the religious/cultural community there; (2) seek out similar people at MSU who can speak to your parents (imam, community leader, etc.); (3) if you need to stay home for college, quietly try to stretch your time on campus (e.g. library) to get freedom; and (4) know that once you have your degree and are earning money, you can spread your wings and fly more, and count down the months until then. Lots of people are rooting for you - please do update us as to what happens.
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