my personal statement..... O.O

Title: Green Building Hallway of L.A.C.E.S.

(note: I have to cut out a lot of it because its too long…help!!)
(what do you think of my essay?)

The green building hallway of L.A.C.E.S. is one frantic place. It is full of swarming kids of all grades and all types; some with rolling backpacks tripping everyone 360° around them, some wearing long dark trench coats, trying to hide the locker full of bootleg candy and soda that they’ve begun selling almost as soon as the LAUSD district said we couldn’t sell junk food, and some who are just quietly trying to get through the hallway without being hit on the head by the soda bottles flying around. My journey through L.A.C.E.S. has been a journey through the green building hallway, hectic and full of ducks and swerves.

A typical school day for me begins at 7:30 when I walk up to the big, thick, brown door of the student store and start banging until my knuckles turn red. I put my hands in my pocket and start shivering when I jump up at the sound of the door push open. It is a daily routine; knock, shiver, jump, and I’m in! Ms. Lu is her same usual self, her big brown curls bouncing as she walks. I’ve gotten to know Ms. Lu this year ever since she began helping me with my duties as the student body treasurer. I can tell you one thing for sure about Ms. Lu, her eyes sparkle and there’s a mischievous expression on her face every time I bring up the possibility of making profits for student body funds. I quickly through the stack of papers, signing each and every one of them, as Ms. Lu talks on about the financial state our school is in. You see, for the past several years, we’ve been making a lot of money off of soda and candy sales. But ever since the LAUSD has banned candy and soda sales, we’ve had to cut down the school budget. I’m in the middle of a heated discussion with Ms. Lu on how they should provide us with an alternative way to find the funds we’ve lost from junk food sales when I am interrupted by the beeping noises, something our school has adopted this year to replace the traditional bells. The beeping noises only make our school sound more and more like a hospital emergency room. I barely have time to think when Ms. Lu pushes me out the student store. Apparently, she cares more about me being late to homeroom than I do.

At 8:00 in the morning, I am rushing from place to place trying to remember what I was supposed to do. I first stop by leadership to pick up homeroom announcements. Clutching onto the loose pieces of papers on my left hand and my calculus book on my right, I stagger my way to my homeroom full of 6th graders. Upon entering the room full of loud and extra hyper kids, I begin to wonder what would actually happen if these 6th graders were fed candy at 8a.m. in the morning. Perhaps it’s not a bad thing we are not allowed to sell junk food after all. I walk around the room trying to settle them down before actually reading them the announcements. I begin with the most important announcement of the day, magazine drive! I emphasize how much the magazine sales help our school financially before having them sing along to my row-row-row your boat remake with the lyrics “ma-ma-magazine, sell some magazines…”

Other than that, the day goes by pretty fast. At lunch, I make my way frantically down to Ms. U’s room so that I will be there before all the other members of the Good Deeds Club. It is the first club I’ve ever founded at L.A.C.E.S. and so to me, it is that much more special. The members of my club are mostly younger kids who are eager to engage in volunteer projects. I mainly act as guidance for them, giving them ideas of what we can do for Halloween and Christmas.

At the end of the day, I find myself in a room full of people clanging on their musical instruments. The room is very hectic; violin bows are dropping everywhere and you can almost see rosins and reeds flying around in the air. Mr. Monarch, my music teacher, is, as usual, at the center of the class screaming “ein, zwei, drei, vier” (might I note, he’s not German) before we’re off trying to play Haydn’s Symphony No. 32. It doesn’t sound like much at first but it slowly begins to actually sound like music. Mr. Monarch, over the years, has come up with his own language, a compilation of many different languages and words that he’s combined. You can often find him shouting “Simba! Akita!” or at the end of the day, he always says “Many moons!” which is his way of saying good bye.

A typical day at laces isn’t exactly Chopin’s Nocturne or a lullaby. It is a maze through the jungle, the Hundred Year’s War compressed into a single day, or in other words a walk down the laces green building hallway. But over the years, I’ve actually realized how much I loved taking this walk down the green building hallway. I love to knock on the big red doors of the student office until my knuckles turn red, I love being surrounded by super hyper sixth graders during homeroom and during lunch at the Good Deeds Club, and I love being in music class with rosins flying across the room.

<p>“You see, for the past several years, we’ve been making a lot of money off of soda and candy sales. But ever since the LAUSD has banned candy and soda sales, we’ve had to cut down the school budget.”</p>

<p>you can cut that part completely. You don’t need to explain in that much detail, I definitely inferred such without the sentence… it sounds redundant and it digresses.</p>

<p>"Other than that, the day goes by pretty fast. "</p>

<p>the day goes by pretty quickly.</p>

<p>Critique and comments:</p>

<p>You need to focus in this essay. It definitely sounds like a chronological list, and unless your list is VERY interesting or presented in an uncommon way (which yours is not, no offense), it’s going to be a pain to read. Focus on one aspect of your day, and expand on it. Elaborate. The way it is now, the essay is unimpressive. All I learned is that you have the day of a typical teenager.</p>

<p>It doesn’t say much about you. It reads like a travelogue. You need to have some kind of focus, not just say what your day is like. </p>

<p>It may be fine for less competitive colleges, particularly those that make admissions decisions mainly by the stats. It won’t stand out when it comes to admissions for the most competitive colleges.</p>

<p>I was actually planning to cut that part out… the part starting with "you see… "in the second part of the paragraph. I guess I just wanted to hear what other people thought too… so should I talk more in depth about one activity? how do I talk more about myself without sounding too egotistical?</p>

<p>The essay shouldn’t be a list of achievements or activities. You’ve already listed that info elsewhere on the app. The essay is an opportunity to give the adcoms an idea of what’s important to you: what inspires you, what you care about, what made you the person that you are. One can write that kind of essay without sounding egotistical.</p>

<p>i see… what if the essay is to talk in depth about some of the activities that you’ve listed?</p>

<p>What is the prompt for this essay? Why are you doing a chron of a typical day? I’ts not that interesting, blah, blah, blah. Try an exercise, where you distill each paragraph into a sentence or two.</p>

<p>thank you soo much! may I have all of your e-mail addresses so that I can send you my new personal statement when I’m done with it? I definitely didn’t realize that we shouldn’t just post our essays up on the forum for safety precautions. Thank you!</p>