<p>Is the beginning of this essay not clear?</p>
<p>There are many things that could have made me the person who I am today. All the directions and paths I took over the past four years have made me that person I wanted to be. Over those 4 years I have done things that showed me that giving up is not an option and you should strive to do you best in everything you do. I’ve learned to become ambitious person even in the toughest positions and I’ve learned to push through it all so I could become that person. </p>
<p>Your first two sentences say almost nothing. Your second two sentences say almost the same thing; you can perhaps take the best parts of both and write just one sentence instead.</p>
<p>Too wordy. Many influences make me who I am today. …All directions and paths have converged to create the person I am becoming. Third sentence is very awkward and rambling. “Things” is usually not a great word to use in formal writing (as is “it” by the way-which you do not use) No contractions. I have, not “I’ve”. Later on, AN ambitious person… You lack commas in several places. Get simple and direct, and answer the question, “Who am I”. </p>
<p>any better?</p>
<p>There are many influences that made me the person I am today. Over the past 4 years, my life has changed due to the activities and people I let enter my life. Sports have been a big part in my life and has taught to never quit in the toughest moments. Doing community service has showed me how to sure my talents in ways I did not know. My friends and family have also taught me how to become a more loving person. Over my 4 years of high school I have transformed into the hardworking young adult that I have strived to become.</p>
<p>Unlike a hs essay, you don’t need much intro. Nor a thesis statement. Just jump in. You don’t have much space and remember, it needs "show, not tell.’ What you have written is “tell”- and you are asking them to take it on your say-so. This may be the only line needed: “Over the past 4 years, my life has changed due to the activities and people I let enter my life.” Except that it repeats “my life.” Then roll straight into your tale.</p>
<p>should i tell a story about how I accomplished something that I did? </p>
<p>You can pick one aspect and tell a tale to make it real for the reader. Sometimes, a kid wants to show an accomplishment. Other times, it may be a growth moment, how you tackled some challenge, something that affected your outlook, etc. For your college choices, the essay may not have the ultra significance it can have for the most competitive schools. But you still want to try to be clear and to the point. Not too much, not too little, just right. so, think about it, scribble some notes, and see if that helps.</p>
<p>…(sorry - wrong thread!) </p>