My Potato essay (help)

Applying to College
1

Here is my essay about a discovery that has importance to you…

A few questions

  1. The essay is suppose to put at least a simle on you face. Did you smile ?:slight_smile:
  2. Note any writing convention errors
  3. Do you like the essay and do you think the admission officers will?
  4. Does the essay work?
2

<p>I really like this…</p>

<p>there are some grammatical errors like your —> you’re</p>

<p>but this essay is really good</p>

3

<p>…bump…</p>

4

<p>What? Are you people potato haters? Input please :)…</p>

5

<p>I think it’s a good topic, and it’ll work. You need to edit it, though. Some of your sentences could definitely be rephrased to be clearer or more interesting, like the one that starts, “Some examples are”. Yeah, it’s funny that a potato has lots of slang terms, but your essay doesn’t really show that. Also, 2 sentences in a row in the 3rd paragraph say “has also” - it just sounds weird.
So yeah, it’s a good essay, but just rephrase some stuff and it’ll be awesome.</p>

6

<p>Yeah, I tried to think of some more potato slang. Recommendations would be nice :). This essay is going to a prestigious college. Is there anyway I can make it the best of the best of the best? I have to blow them away with this essay, its kinda a do or die for me at this juncture.</p>

7

<p>I like it also. I think most of us on CC (perhaps adcoms as well) can identify with the part about your sister. uhh, tater? I say potahto? “it influences the relationships of couples throughout america, let’s call the whole thing off!” hot potato, sweet potato.</p>

8

<p>Awesome!
I simply love it!
just correct the few grammatical errors and you will be fine!</p>

9

<p>Whoo… hoo… after scraping 3 previous essays that sucked, I got one that works. From the reviews, people seem to be smiling as well :).</p>

<p>P.S. Ive read many essays in this board (There is one about menstruation, travel logs, life in a farm, personal aspirations, voter apathy. etc). What makes this one work?</p>

10

<p>I like it a lot. I think it will be good for the adcoms to see something different. I do think that you need to clean up and focus paragraph 4 though. It would also be nice to see you end the essay tying it back to the potato theme.</p>

11

<p>I liked it too. What college is this for?</p>

12

<p>Boston university and Boston college… Gee I hope i get in for Jan admissions. I have already graduated from HS and hoping i can get in school in the winter of 2005. I would hate drift too far behind the class of 2004. My backup school screwed me and thousands of other applicants here in Washington.</p>

13

<p>haha this essay is funny , really nice and cute.</p>

14

<p>can’t potatoes also power clocks and stuff?</p>

15

<p>Not to mention the debate between its pronunciation
po-tay-toe vs po-ta-toe</p>

<p>or was that for tomatoes…nm</p>

<p>Agreed, nice topic for essay; i would change the part about how it was filmed in Toy Story (which is animation) to 'featured in animated films" like Toy Story</p>

16

<p>a) lose the first paragraph entirely. See how fresher your essay is when you dive right in (as usual) instead of lecturing the reader on something unrelated to the rest of your essay (Droning voice…"There have been many blah blah blah’s…in the history of blah, blah)</p>

<p>b) many kids are into bugs</p>

<p>c) I doubt this statement–“When people see a computer…” this statement is highly invented, try doing a survey and asking people what they think about when they see a computer. A very weak position to take undermines an effective conclusion.</p>

<p>d) It all started with a doc, but where did it end up? You left us hanging.</p>

<p>e) As many have said here: show, don’t tell. You tell things about yourself in the conclusion that we don’t see. We just have to trust you on that.</p>

<p>1) No
2) Too early to bother with that
3) It’s okay and no
4) See above comments–I don’t find enough intellectual exploration here. Just very light, very surface.</p>

<p>imo, you may have an essay here, but it needs more.</p>

17

<p>: S
I agree with bettina somehow. I don’t…like it much? The topic could work but it needs to be developed a lot somehow. hmm…</p>

<p>other peopel are giving it rave reviews tho, so perhaps I’m just that grumpy adcom who hates kids and potatoes alike or something.</p>

18

<p>As always, I’m with Bettina on this. I really like the potato theme, but jumps to bugs and computers and interest in learning more about things. Stick with potato, but organize a theme, e.g. interest in history and science.</p>

<p>Jump right in, with 2nd PP. Keep the light tone, but consistent formal style.
Personally, I think the hardest part of preparing an essay is to find a theme, and yours is definitely catchy.</p>

19

<p>Para 2: “the potato caught my attention.” falls flat; sounds boring.
Last para: Does not mention potatoes; you need to tie the first part of your essay to the big conclusion that you are observant, like to learn, and like to know how things work.
It is an okay essay, but it did not excite me. Of course, I’m the one who liked the math-girl menstruation essay. Good luck.</p>

20

<p>Aww, bettina didn’t smile :(. I gotta fix that :). Anyway, excellent constructive criticism that I need… Ill fix this puppy up and re-post the edited version…</p>

<p>BTW, is a potato a vegetable?</p>