My roof...My rules

Parent Cafe
21

<p>I think it depends on the child as to how strict the parents have to be. My parents never really had to be overly strict with me, because as they like to say “I was born old” and have always been really responsible for my age. I got my driver’s license late, but when I did, I never really had a strict curfew but sort of had to come home at a reasonable time, which was around 1-1:30 am at the latest (I lived an hour away from my HS and all my friends, so it’d be kind of hard to leave their houses extremely late AND stay awake to drive home). I just made an estimate of when I’d be back, and was expected to call if I ended up going somewhere different than where I said I was going, staying longer, or spending the night. My parents never really waited up for me; I was just supposed to come in quietly and not wake anyone up.</p>

<p>And I was of course expected to pitch in around the house. I can’t cook but last summer when I was home, I was expected to do everyone’s laundry, clean, take care of the pets, water the plants, etc.</p>

<p>I don’t think turning 18 is such an enormous milestone; I don’t think my parents really started treating me any differently (but then again, I didn’t turn 18 till halfway through senior year and the rules were pretty relaxed anyway).</p>

22

<p>I think it is important not to underestimate the impact on the younger children at home, as well as the issue of being the oldest among friends (although at my kids’ school that would be a much lesser issue, there were a number of students who were 18 practically all the way through senior year).</p>

<p>We relaxed some rules for my daughter last year, particularly over that last summer, but retained “common courtesy” rules about telling someone where you are, not staying out beyond “a reasonable hour” without prior arrangements, etc. I’m sure this summer we will have to work on the “no brownies at 2am” rule because she has become more of a night owl in college.
However, we were careful about how we did it, and did not publicize any changes to her younger brother, who is coming along well, but probably will not be as responsible as she is - we did not want to make any statements that would come back to bite us! Our kids have internalized our rules well - I’ve heard them say “so and so is doing such and such, but i didn’t even ask because I knew you would kill me” - even when “such an such” was an activity that we might have considered. My daughter has also said thanks for having the rules, because when confronted with something that made her uncomfortable, she had an immediate excuse - our answer, “You’re welcome, that’s what parents are for”.</p>

23

<p>Why not publicize it to younger kids…why hide it? They need to see that with good behavior, maturity, etc., the rules for them will be adjusted as well</p>

<p>Believe me, siblings see the differences of how they are treated, and with the age difference they SHOULD be treated differently, nothing wrong iwth that!!</p>

24

<p>I don’t call about chaparones. I trust my son’s judgement. If something gets out of line, he will leave. I can tell you a story about something that happened when he was in the first grade! He was invited to a boy’s home for a first time playdate. There were 2 younger sibs at this home, and the other boy’s mother drove my son and was caring for him…WRONG! She decided to take a nap. She is a smoker and had matches laying around. Her son decided to impress my son by lighting matches. My son was very scared and called me to pick him up. I picked him up and he told me what had happened. I rewarded him for doing the right thing, and calling me. He had enough common sense to leave at age 6. His good judgement has stayed with him. He remembers this incident, and remembers my rewarding him for the action he took in this situation. BTW, I followed up with the other boy’s parents.</p>

25

<p>I agree about common courtesy. I don’t leave the house without telling people where I am going, or leaving a note. I expect the same courtesy from my son (who is not even 16 yet). I find myself extending his rope more every year, so that he is allowed more freedoms and opportunities. He doens’t have a set curfew, but mostly I don’t really approve of kids galavanting around town at midnight anyway. </p>

<p>Gradually, he will have fewer limits, but even at 18, I would still expect the rules of common courtesy to apply.</p>

26

<p>CGM - it is not so much “hiding”, as not broadcasting. My almost 15 year old son is making progress, but he is not as mature and responsible as his sister was at that age, and is a lot more excited at the prospect of driving. He also already has a GF who when she says jump, he says how high. This kid can barely remember enough about what he reads and hears in English to pass, but you better believe if his sister gets one inch, he has marked it down - “at age 16 years, 1 month 4 days I get to do X because K did”!
I’m a firm believer in the same rules for all sibs, but also in starting out much more strictly than you might be willing to be after the child has demonstrated responsiblity and maturity. But it is a new playing field for each child. I am very quick to praise him when he does well, because he has screwed up, but using his sister as a demonstration project tends to backfire with him. He does look up to her and use her as a role model, and would recognize that her responsible behavior led to privileges, but we have to be careful about what WE say about it, and how we draw attention to it.</p>

<p>There is a big difference in their academic accomplishments, and we are a family that puts a premium on doing your best - it has made parenting the less academically oriented child a struggle for us all. He feels inferior to her despite our best efforts to emphasize that we only expect each person to do their own best, and is very jealous of his perogatives.</p>

<p>Different things work for different families.</p>

27

<p>How about Bf’s and Gf’s sharing the same room when they come home to visit from college?</p>

28

<p>dke, This would never happen in my home.</p>

29

<p>What do you think of a mom who invites her Ds new BF, both are 15, all over each other, to their condo for a few days snowboarding? Apparently, the yong man was very helpful…my H says, yeah, he would be to spend the night on the “sofa”…the parents were there of course…but if you saw these two together, you needed a crowbar</p>

30

<p>“maybe your son has ALREADY been doing a bit of exploring”
CGM - Yes, he probably has. </p>

<p>I’ve always liked boundaries. I’m sure he has crossed them and gotten away with it. But I felt like it was better that he knew where they were. Now I want him to set his own boundaries. I know when he goes to college he will decide where to go and what to do. I won’t get to approve or veto those plans. The students that have responded are reassuring in that they sound very responsible. I’m sure he will be fine, too.</p>

31

<p>Hmmm… doesn’t take a rocket scientist, eh?</p>

32

<p>I’ve never looked at our home as “my” roof, but more as “our” roof. There really aren’t “rules”, as such, in our house, but we’ve raised our 4 Ds in a way to embrace “our” roof as their home for as long as they want it to be, not as a place that they are passing through and where they must follow “my” rules. Certainly, as parents we have guided them towards responsible and considerate behavior, and fortunately, none of them has had any serious transgressions which would require us imposing any strict rules. </p>

<p>Most parenting decisions in our household over the years have been made by me, simply because I’ve been the one who’s been at home the most. Some issues were discussed with my H when necessary and we then made the decision together. Many of my decisions were greatly influenced by the way that my own parents handled things when I was a teen. Or, perhaps, I should say mishandled. My parents were terribly controlling and I promised myself that I would not continue that tradition with my own family.</p>

<p>I’ve never called another parent to make sure that they were going to be at home to chaperone (my mother did this ALL the time). I preferred to trust my children’s good judgment in situations such as this, and have never had a problem. They have always shown good judgment in understanding good/bad situations and have always known that if they find themselves in a situation which they are not comfortable with, all they need to do is call and my H or I will pick them up.</p>

<p>None of my 4 Ds has ever had a curfew. All of us, my H and me included, abide by general rules of courtesy in letting the rest of the family know where we are and when we’ll be home. If things change, we call. I’ve never felt the need to keep my kids on a leash, literally or figuratively, but I suppose as they made their way through the teen years, there have probably been increasingly independent things which they’ve been free to do. Strangely enough, I can’t really think of a good example. I guess I just feel that granting kids freedom to explore, make mistakes, and learn better behaviors is something which should start in toddlerhood and progress each year towards young adulthood. Kids who are kept totally sheltered, whether by rules, curfews, what they can and cannot watch on tv or movies or read in books, and who have their activities required by parents are not likely to have an easy time of it when they reach an age or a time where suddenly they are free to make EVERY decision on their own. </p>

<p>A more gradual approach throughout the teen years is probably the better way to do it, rather than to suddenly ‘loosen the reins’ when they turn 18. Communication, which is open, honest, and reciprocal, is one of the best gifts we can give to our children. Too much control in the parent/child relationship makes this very difficult to achieve. Even if a child seems content with the parents’ rules, it’s still not healthy for that child to not explore independent thinking and behavior. Allowing for this while the child is still living at home so that we as parents can support, comfort, and react is better than waiting for them to be away at college without a family support system in the event that they need it.</p>

33

<p>My parents were big on “my roof, my rules” when I was in college which was fine with me. I knew that my mother wouldn’t be able to sleep until she knew I was safely home, and I respected that. When I was home for vacations, I had to be in by midnight. I’ll probably do something similar when my kids are that age. Too bad if they don’t like it. That’s what motivates them to get their own digs as soon as they can after graduation. ha! ha!..I’ll never forget the time my mother called the police when I hadn’t shown up once after curfew at 4am…served me right.</p>

34

<p>I think of it less as, “My roof, my rules” as “When in Rome, do as the Romans.” Even as adults, when we visit my inlaws, we try to respect the way they live, and to not overtly flout our differences. They never had alcohol in their home, so we didn’t drink when visiting, even at a restaurant. It’s just a matter of respect. I expect that my kids will make their own choices, especially while in college, but I expect them to show us the consideration of not rubbing things in our face. And I can’t imagine any circumstance where unmarried youngsters would share a room in our house.</p>

35

<p>i’ve never shared a room with an unmarried youngster at my house, but my parents don’t have a problem with me spending the night at my boyfriends apartment or dorm… the situation has never came up at home as his house is only 5 minutes from here, so there’s no reason to spend the night. they also know i spent the night at my best friends house a lot in college (he’s a guy) and i’d often sleep on the floor in his room… just because i got sick of being at my apt… it’s not really a big deal as long as you’re responsible about it. Here anyway.</p>

36

<p>My parents had certain things where rules were really strict, they had to know where I was all the time, I had to call when I got there and before I left, call if I was going to be late, be home at a reasonable hour (although I didn’t have a curfew because they always knew where I was and who I was with). Other things they were less strict about, I was able to decide for myself about attending church, which I decided not to do because I decided I don’t believe in God. When I went home for Christmas vacation I still had to live by my parents rules, although they weren’t as concerned about when I came home. I know that I will never be allowed to stay in the same room as my boyfriend while visiting my parents home, co-ed sleepovers have never been allowed so they certainly won’t start with a significant other. I disagree with how strict my parents are much of the time, but I also know to a certain degree why they do what they do.</p>

37

<p>Depends on the kid…
I think in general you have to have “house rules” for everyone. It is a matter of courtesy, safety, and a valuable thing to teach, imo.
If a kid wants to follow his own drummer then it is time to move out.</p>

38

<p>if it is stuff around the house, it is his job to help. if it is regarding his growing up- with friends and his life, a teenager will not learn by what is heard from their parents. i can vouch for that as a teenger myself. not a single person i know has made any decisions based on rules by their parents, but their personal beliefs, morals, and past experiences. let him learn and define himself.</p>

39

<p>I think <em>any</em> adult who is being financially supported by other adults in the household needs to accept that the owners have the right to have some “house rules”. </p>

<p>Of course, those rules have to be sensible. Such as:</p>

<p>No smoking in the house
Pick up after yourself
No swearing, cussing
No LOUD TV or LOUD stereo after a certain hour of the night.
Do some regular chores
Don’t invite “sleepover guests” without the owners’ ok.
If you’re going to be out later than 12, let us know. (if the 18 year old is still in HS, I think it’s ok to give a curfew)</p>

<p>On the other hand, you wouldn’t give an adult a “10 pm lights out” rule or a bed time or some other rule that is of no consequence to the owners.</p>

40

<p>“Even as adults, when we visit my inlaws, we try to respect the way they live, and to not overtly flout our differences.”</p>

<p>At my inlaws this must be where I get into trouble-
I wouldn’t have any trouble * not* drinking- but they do drink- mixed drinks before dinner- wine with dinner- mixed drinks after dinner.</p>

<p>I have pretty much been persona non grata since I declined a before dinner drink ( dirty mothers? blech) and had milk with my dinner- well milk or water- has always been what I drank- I didn’t really realize it was that big a deal- but it apparently was- because it made them feel I think that I was judging them.</p>